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This is me right now. I should say it wasn't always like this after my wife's cheating. I went for years not really thinking about it much, raising kids and having a fairly normal marriage. But about 6 months ago, I started a downward spiral of middle-age regret about a lot of things, not just how I acted after discovering my wife's infidelity, and I started obsessing over it, which led to snooping, which led to the discovery of the serial cheating during that time that I was previously unaware of. My point is that it may seem right now that you can get past this, and maybe for some time you will, but it's very likely to come back to bite you at some point in your life. My advice is not to risk that, to not spend precious years of your life courting this potential emotional peril, at which point you'll find yourself further down the road of life with fewer years left. Don't be me, in other words.
My theory is most people have mid life crises the difference is if you spouse cheated it's really really hard to justify your choices and the temptation is worse.

If you are saying she hid her serial cheating then your wife effectively stole your agency twice, first by cheating and then by hiding her additional cheating. That is really rough.
 

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No, nothing does. But I am so confused regarding that I know that she ****ed up and it is facing the consequences and for some reason this has make a wake up call on her.
nope. This is who she IS.
There isn’t one single reason to go back for more. When things get tough again - she will cheat again.

just be done with her and focus on being a great dad.
 

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My thoughts too. Now, I ask you in all honesty, is this something that will ever be held back in the brain and will never let go ? Of course it is like you said, all of it. But then I think I could give it a try and see ? What do I loose ? time ?

Also, i know it will take time and actions for this, not words
Your self respect.

It is one thing when the cheater keeps it a secret. The only two that know are the cheater and lover.

It is completely different when everyone around the cheater knows including family. Especially when some of them were helping your cheating wife cheat.

Do you honestly believe that any of them, including your wife will respect you after this. They didn’t before this so why should they afterwards. Great chance it will get back to your son with all of these people in the know. I was 4 when my parents divorced, I knew why by the time I was 8. Families gossip and kids figure things out.
 

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I know and understand this will be just plain hard, I am a loving person and I trust people, always have, so it will be extremely hard to live like this, I will be miserable. I just want to believe that something extraordinary is possible (if I ever decide to try it). There is obviously a long history and details between us that only we know, and of course not having the whole context I understand might leave to some opinions, but I appreciate them all
Most everyone thinks their situation is complicated, special or different. Sorry, but these situations follow the same script. Just the name, locations are different.
 

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OP I believe if one of your core beliefs was it was a deal breaker before it happened, then that doesn't change, you will just have to go against your core beliefs to stay.
 
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I know and understand this will be just plain hard, I am a loving person and I trust people, always have, so it will be extremely hard to live like this, I will be miserable. I just want to believe that something extraordinary is possible (if I ever decide to try it). There is obviously a long history and details between us that only we know, and of course not having the whole context I understand might leave to some opinions, but I appreciate them all
It doesn’t seem like you are looking for advice or insight. You seem to be looking for someone to verify taking a serial cheater back is your best option.
No one here has any skin in this. You don’t need anyones permission. Its your life.
You have a lot of veteran posters who’ve given you solid advice. They’ve been where you are.
Ignore it at your peril.
 

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Discussion Starter · #287 ·
Your self respect.

It is one thing when the cheater keeps it a secret. The only two that know are the cheater and lover.

It is completely different when everyone around the cheater knows including family. Especially when some of them were helping your cheating wife cheat.

Do you honestly believe that any of them, including your wife will respect you after this. They didn’t before this so why should they afterwards. Great chance it will get back to your son with all of these people in the know. I was 4 when my parents divorced, I knew why by the time I was 8. Families gossip and kids figure things out.
Some context: not everyone around her knew it, a sister knew about the last one (that I found) and a co-worker knew about the first two (she introduced both; as a matter of fact, she confessed this all to me without me having any details or asking). And to be honest, I could care less about they both respecting me or not, this is a decision for me (and ultimately for her) to do.
 

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Some context: not everyone around her knew it, a sister knew about the last one (that I found) and a co-worker knew about the first two (she introduced both; as a matter of fact, she confessed this all to me without me having any details or asking). And to be honest, I could care less about they both respecting me or not, this is a decision for me (and ultimately for her) to do.
Nothing changes the facts though does it?
 

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Discussion Starter · #289 ·
OP I believe if one of your core beliefs was it was a deal breaker before it happened, then that doesn't change, you will just have to go against your core beliefs to stay.
I was blindsided all the way that I never talk or even thought about infidelity before, not with her or not with anybody else.
 

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Discussion Starter · #291 ·
It doesn’t seem like you are looking for advice or insight. You seem to be looking for someone to verify taking a serial cheater back is your best option.
No one here has any skin in this. You don’t need anyones permission. Its your life.
You have a lot of veteran posters who’ve given you solid advice. They’ve been where you are.
Ignore it at your peril.
No, don't get me wrong, feedback is extremely appreciated. In fact, there are lots of comments here that have enlightened me in some aspects that I was ignoring, and for that, i thank you all.
 

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Her sister is connected to the affair I found, yes. BUT, I told her regarding how does she believes they (their family) would see me now and she told me that her sister and boyfriend where always against that and it was her decision, and not them.
There's one saying, in the best of the cases, "trust, but verify". In this case, your wife's word isn't worth a dime. So, I think it is in your best interests to talk to SIL's boyfriend first as a man-to-man and then talk to her sister. I would even go one step ahead and let her mother know the extent of your wife's cheating and your SIL's involvement in your wife's affairs. You do not owe a cheater to keep their secrets.

Your wife didn't want a divorce, but she didn't want to stop . She'd be sleeping with 6/7/10 guys in a few months.

Has your wife slept with anyone in NC?
@fido3039 , this is an important point to consider. If you hadn't looked through her phone, then for all you know, she would have slept with 4-5 more people in the mean time.

I know and understand this will be just plain hard, I am a loving person and I trust people, always have, so it will be extremely hard to live like this, I will be miserable
I understand that you are a loving and trusting person. The question is this: is your wife worth the love and trust that you've invested in her.

I see this huge concern here: I think that the general consensus and the drift of the suggestions in this thread seem to have lost on you. We all tend to think that we are special and our cases are special. Unfortunately, the reality if far from that. What your wife did is just the garden variety of cheating, The way she tried to cover her @s$ after you found out is also very garden variety. There's nothing special about it. What is different and despicable is that her own sister introduced her to affair partners. DON'T let your wife tell you that it's all her, which it is by the way. But if her sister was a friend of your marriage and had a modicum of respect towards you, then she would have bent over backwards to c-block your wife's efforts to cheat. She might even have considered talking to you to let you know what was going on. The fact that she didn't do any of these things tells me a lot.

Just in case if you feel that we are just angry men asking you to break up, I'd even suggest to you that there are other forums and websites that you can go and make a post with all these details. See, if you would get a different consensus at those forums and websites. I'd bet my bottom dollar that you'll hear about the same or similar consensus everywhere.

You reminded me of a saying, which I believe that I am an example of: "I used to be young and naive, now I'm not so young anymore".
 

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You have a battle between your brain and heart. Your heart will betray you in these situations.
Right now you are looking for an excuse or reason to stay.
I will add if you follow your brain your heart will be forced to catch up.
 

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I need to point out a few things you said: she has sex ONCE with a guy she met at a bar. The other 3 guys, two of them got introduced by her friend, and one of them by one of their sister. I never said all them were at a bar. I got myself an STD and I am clean. I asked her to do the same. The reason I said this is the first time she did this is because I know how her behaviour changed from October, she turned into a different person. Of course I have to believe what she said.
Think of what that means. She was telling other people--her friends, her sister---that she was looking for other sexual partners. And they assisted her by finding dudes for her to bang.

That means she was broadcasting her dissatisfaction with you sexually. But not dissatisfied enough with you to cut your out of your "breadwinner" role, which is why, as you say, she never intended to leave you for them.

Put yourself in the place of the other women. Your friend/sibling says that there's trouble at home/in the bedroom. What would most people normally recommend? I think the first inclination would be to suggest some sort of counseling. The next inclination would be to advise divorce. It would only be a rare situation in which you would agree to be a "pimp/procurer" for your friend/sibling and start setting them up for some liaisons. Yet, this happened THREE times? What are the odds?

1. These other two women must really have contempt for you for them to plot your downfall like this with your wife.
2. Your wife must really have contempt for you in the bedroom to seek out MULTIPLE guys. It wasn't for some emotional connection that she was missing--otherwise it would be just one guy.
3. Your wife has developed a TASTE for cheating/multiple sex partners. Otherwise it wouldn't be so many guys in such a short time.
4. If your wife doesn't need or even want you as a sexual partner, then what is your use for her? Just as a breadwinner, most likely. You're there to give her a comfortable lifestyle which she seeks sexual excitement from other guys.

In view of #2, 3, 4, do you think that she will ever be satisfied with just you as a sexual partner alone? I can't see that happening. At most, she would unwillingly restrict herself just so she doesn't lose her breadwinner and her comfortable lifestyle, but is THAT the sort of life you want? Her always longing for other guys?

You will never be able to trust her. In fact, in view of #1 above, there will always be ready accomplices to help her cheat again should she want to. They probably hate you (since they assisted her cheating on you), so they may even encourage it. They wouldn't have helped her treat you like dirt unless they had no care for you as a human being. What are the odds that these are the only two people on the planet that she's been badmouthing you to? There may be others that have heard her, but haven't moved to the "pimp/procurer" role for her.

Really, this is so egregious, I don't see any way around this.
Reconciliation is unrealistic..
She wouldn't be reconciling with you as a spouse or a sexual partner. She'd only be reconciling with a source of income/lifestyle.
 

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Fido, just remember one thing.

The VAST majority of the posters here have been through problems. Many other them, if not most, were victims of infidelity themselves. They are giving you the benefit of THEIR experience.
That's why it is so important to note that the overwhelming majority are telling you to divorce and move on. That means the odds favor you moving on.

If you ignore their advice, your odds of succeeding are low. Not zero, but low.

Everyone who goes to Las Vegas thinks they will beat the odds. But only a small minority do, that's why the casinos stay in business.

You only get one life. It is valuable to you. Would you put your entire fortune, your home and your future on one number on the roulette table at Las Vegas? You MIGHT win, but the odds are much, much more that you will lose. And if you lose, you lose EVERYTHING.

If you try to reconcile, you're doing the equivalent thing of putting all your future on that one roulette number.

And remember: It seems overwhelming to contemplate losing your marriage, sharing custody of your child, etc. But the posters here have faced those SAME type of situations. And they came out ok on the other end. That's why they are advising you as they are.
 

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But about 6 months ago, I started a downward spiral of middle-age regret about a lot of things, not just how I acted after discovering my wife's infidelity, and I started obsessing over it, which led to snooping, which led to the discovery of the serial cheating during that time that I was previously unaware of.
Why are you staying with her now after finding out she’s been lying (and therefore unrepentant) the entire time?
 

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Some context: not everyone around her knew it, a sister knew about the last one (that I found) and a co-worker knew about the first two (she introduced both; as a matter of fact, she confessed this all to me without me having any details or asking). And to be honest, I could care less about they both respecting me or not, this is a decision for me (and ultimately for her) to do.
Do you honestly believe they didn’t tell any one else?!?!?!

Between your wife’s sister and friend, I would guess that a few dozen know from them. Word of mouth, the more dirty the gossip the faster it travels. As for the guys she was with, they’re bragging about your wife to their friends and they are passing it around as well.
 

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Do you honestly believe they didn’t tell any one else?!?!?!

Between your wife’s sister and friend, I would guess that a few dozen know from them. Word of mouth, the more dirty the gossip the faster it travels. As for the guys she was with, they’re bragging about your wife to their friends and they are passing it around as well.
Most everyone at “work” and a large percentage of people in town know the juicy story. OP is the only one not in the loop, all the guys and their buddies are laughing
 

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Also, regarding serial cheater, assume she had no history prior to these incidents - is she in fact a serial cheater ? Like I said, we have been together since her late teens and I have never doubted her, not me or any family or friends. The few friends and family that knows about this and that knows her are as shocked as I am.
@fido3039 I have read hundreds of stories over the years from betrayed men, your wife sleeping with four men in a span of couple of months indicates that this is not her first cheating spree!
Usually women when they first start cheating they take it slow and start with one guy!
Her boldness indicates that she has past experience that you don't know about!

My advice:
Don't pay the FULL price for something that other men (yes, not one man) got for free! (set back and think about this!)
 
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