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Great points you made. Keep in mind that I did not find any other evidence on the phone regarding the other affairs, only the last one. And I confronted her only over that one. She was the one who told me about the other three, without me asking.

Her sister is connected to the affair I found, yes. BUT, I told her regarding how does she believes they (their family) would see me now and she told me that her sister and boyfriend where always against that and it was her decision, and not them.
I agree that she gets honesty points for coming clean on even the unknown APs. It had to be painful and very shameful to come clean on them. Was she trying to push you away with the confession? Getting you to pull the trigger on D.

Are you saying that her sister’s boyfriend knew about the last relationship and how it got started? That is really F’d up. What is her mother’s opinion on this whole ordeal? Does she know her daughter played an intricate role causing her other daughter to betray her husband and father of her grandchild?
 

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Discussion Starter · #262 ·
Was she trying to push you away with the confession? Getting you to pull the trigger on D.
No, like I said, her intentions were never to leave me, she told me this and I know it. I know this for two things: I made her tell me at least what some of the guys worked on etc, and they are sub par guys.

Are you saying that her sister’s boyfriend knew about the last relationship and how it got started? That is really F’d up. What is her mother’s opinion on this whole ordeal? Does she know her daughter played an intricate role causing her other daughter to betray her husband and father of her grandchild?
Yes, in fact, it was a relative of him. They both (sister and boyfriend) were against it. Her mother doens't know the full details, only that "she cheated".
 

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No, like I said, her intentions were never to leave me, she told me this and I know it. I know this for two things: I made her tell me at least what some of the guys worked on etc, and they are sub par guys.


Yes, in fact, it was a relative of him. They both (sister and boyfriend) were against it. Her mother doens't know the full details, only that "she cheated".
When I ask if she was trying to force your hand to D , it was not to run off with someone else. It was so she can punish herself. We hear over and over from WWs that they thought the marriage was over and that thought their BH stopped loving them or would not be able to forgive them. Some WW would rather divorce than to do the hard work of helping to heal their spouse and family.

The sister and her boyfriend were so against it that they made it happen? A SIL who had her sister’s well-being in mind would have bent over backwards to prevent adultery, especially with a young child in the picture.
 

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Your sister in law and wife’s friend were repeatedly introducing her to men and they knew she was having sex with them, while married to you. They knew the men were married as well. What does that tell you about your wife, your wife’s friends, and your wife’s family?
Their morals are totally corrupt.
You can take your wife back, and she can say whatever, but the friends and family she has, along with her own lack of character—— that doesn’t get fixed Fast or without traumatic events occurring that lead to the desire to change.
Birds if a feather flock together. I’m sorry to say your wife’s flock she flies with are not the best specimens.

Your wife will doubtless revert to her cheating ways as soon as the heat cools down.
It’s your choice.
Don’t choose poorly again…. Change your stars sir.
 

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Discussion Starter · #265 ·
The sister and her boyfriend were so against it that they made it happen? A SIL who had her sister’s well-being in mind would have bent over backwards to prevent adultery, especially with a young child in the picture.
They are broken people, that's all I can say. BUT, it was her who set this up (at least with the last guy), it was not them.
 

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Discussion Starter · #266 ·
Your sister in law and wife’s friend were repeatedly introducing her to men and they knew she was having sex with them, while married to you. They knew the men were married as well. What does that tell you about your wife, your wife’s friends, and your wife’s family?
Their morals are totally corrupt.
You can take your wife back, and she can say whatever, but the friends and family she has, along with her own lack of character—— that doesn’t get fixed Fast or without traumatic events occurring that lead to the desire to change.
Birds if a feather flock together. I’m sorry to say your wife’s flock she flies with are not the best specimens.

Your wife will doubtless revert to her cheating ways as soon as the heat cools down.
It’s your choice.
Don’t choose poorly again…. Change your stars sir.
I can't and do not know what it is the whole history, I know for sure that the last encounter that I did find out it was her all over, it was not her sister and or boyfriend, she set it up.

It will not be fair for me to basically blame other people but herself over the decisions she made.
 

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I can't and do not know what it is the whole history, I know for sure that the last encounter that I did find out it was her all over, it was not her sister and or boyfriend, she set it up.

It will not be fair for me to basically blame other people but herself over the decisions she made.
You can’t blame someone for setting up your wife with other men? I don’t have any problem with that at all. Yes, your wife is 100% at fault for cheating , but they are 100% at fault for encouraging and enabling her cheating. I’d cut those oriole out of my life or die trying. Introducing other men for her to “date”…….. that’s encouraging. .
 

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You can’t blame someone for setting up your wife with other men? I don’t have any problem with that at all. Yes, your wife is 100% at fault for cheating , but they are 100% at fault for encouraging and enabling her cheating. I’d cut those oriole out of my life or die trying. Introducing other men for her to “date”…….. that’s encouraging. .
Yes. My wife's best friend did the same, she introduced her to the guy she first cheated on me with, and a whole new social circle, in fact. The friend was going through a divorce and pulled my wife into her new partying/dating lifestyle, encouraging my wife to go out with her to bars and double dating with my wife and the OM. I still blame my wife solely for cheating, but I've never forgiven her friend for participating. Luckily they had a falling out and she's no longer in our lives. The fact that it's your wife's sister makes it worse for you in that she'll always be around.
 

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Sure thing.
This brought a smile to my face. Where else but TAM can you help a younger version of yourself and also be helping yourself. @fido3039 is where you were over 20 years ago. While I think it’s too soon to be talking about R yet, he can let her prove through actions, that she wants to make things right. Advise from you can help provide a balance of ideas for him to choose from.

What I see as slightly more positive in his situation compared to yours is that his wife came clean of unknown betrayals and never really wanted to end the marriage. Whereas yours wanted to leave and she continued to betray you with additional men during counseling. Something is broken inside of both women. It took 15 years for your wife’s heart to soften towards you. Fido should want to avoid being in a situation like that.
 

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Your wife stopped texting men she slept with because she knew she could put men to bed whenever she wanted. It wasn't about one man, she liked to sleep with any man she wanted.

Your wife didn't want a divorce, but she didn't want to stop . She'd be sleeping with 6/7/10 guys in a few months.

when you went to NC! she didn't respect you Did she think the divorce would be final after she found out she cheated.

she is trying to improve communication because you are passive.

Has your wife slept with anyone in NC?

wife relationship partners/friends will get a good closure. You're the only one who's lost self-respect here. A wife who covers everything and says "my wife was looking for what I didn't give" is the dream of cheaters.
 

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Discussion Starter · #271 ·
You can’t blame someone for setting up your wife with other men? I don’t have any problem with that at all. Yes, your wife is 100% at fault for cheating , but they are 100% at fault for encouraging and enabling her cheating. I’d cut those oriole out of my life or die trying. Introducing other men for her to “date”…….. that’s encouraging. .
You can’t blame someone for setting up your wife with other men? I don’t have any problem with that at all. Yes, your wife is 100% at fault for cheating , but they are 100% at fault for encouraging and enabling her cheating. I’d cut those oriole out of my life or die trying. Introducing other men for her to “date”…….. that’s encouraging. .
It is like I said, I dont know the whole history. The little I read, it was my wife all over the guy, not them.
 

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Yes. My wife's best friend did the same, she introduced her to the guy she first cheated on me with, and a whole new social circle, in fact. The friend was going through a divorce and pulled my wife into her new partying/dating lifestyle, encouraging my wife to go out with her to bars and double dating with my wife and the OM. I still blame my wife solely for cheating, but I've never forgiven her friend for participating. Luckily they had a falling out and she's no longer in our lives. The fact that it's your wife's sister makes it worse for you in that she'll always be around.
A divorcing or recently divorced friend is bad news. That she was pulling your wife into the clubbing scene is par for the course. There was a thread on another forum with a husband who’s wife was doing the same with her divorced friend. Luckily cheating didn’t happen but the husband got so concerned that he had a friend go to the club and watch her. Found that she was on what appeared to be a double date. He confronted and she agreed to change her behavior. I say all that so guys to be mindful of who your wife is friends with and to speak up if she’s being corrupted. Never let the controlling card stop you from fighting for your marriage/family.
 

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I dont understand this question, how would I know that ? It makes no sense even if I ask her.
No dude. You MUST confirm if she has stopped all her betraying actions. Including just texting the guys. How can you forgive what you don’t know. That shouldn’t even be optional for you. She should prove to you that all betraying has stopped.

Don’t gloss over this because you’re afraid of the answer. Communication is so important if you hope to possibly R. Having a face to face conversation about this is important. I’ve read threads of BHs who decades later are having deep regrets of the rug sweeping they did. You don’t want to be that guy.

Ask , confront. Do you have access to all her devices? If not , demand it.
 

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Discussion Starter · #275 ·
No dude. You MUST confirm if she has stopped all her betraying actions. Including just texting the guys. How can you forgive what you don’t know. That shouldn’t even be optional for you. She should prove to you that all betraying has stopped.

Don’t gloss over this because you’re afraid of the answer. Communication is so important if you hope to possibly R. Having a face to face conversation about this is important. I’ve read threads of BHs who decades later are having deep regrets of the rug sweeping they did. You don’t want to be that guy.

Ask , confront. Do you have access to all her devices? If not , demand it.
Oh yeah, I get you. But right now, we are separated. We will talk face to face next week about the proposal she is going to make to me. And of course, one of the first thing that is non negotiable if we ever decide to try is to have access the the phone. This is so ridiculous to just ask that I dont know how I would feel about that.
 

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My thoughts too. Now, I ask you in all honesty, is this something that will ever be held back in the brain and will never let go ? Of course it is like you said, all of it. But then I think I could give it a try and see ? What do I loose ? time ?

Also, i know it will take time and actions for this, not words
I have read these sites about 5 years now and I think the poster who wrote to you was right. I think the answer is if you stay together this will always be a part of your marriage. You won't get over it but some people can learn to live with it. It's not uncommon to read these boards and find people 10, 15 even 30 years out saying it's the first thing they think about in the morning and the last thing at night. I think a lot of that has to do with the person you are married to. If they really change then maybe it's not as bad, but that is because these folks are like a different person. Thing is if you thought they were great before, found out they cheated, and now they pretty much act the same, then how can you tell the change. To me that leaves doubt, because you had no idea they were lyinig in the first place, so I suspect you will wonder is this still an good act.

I often find it strange that people even ask the question. Look at it like this if you started a business with someone and that partner stole from you. If you chose to stay in business with them do you think it would be realistic that you wouldn't have any fear they would do it again?

I think that many people who have affairs get caught up in magic thinking, and may people who choose to stay in marriages with cheating do the same thing. They think that can go back to a marriage that is gone with a person who no longer exist. Then tragically when it doesn't happy they think it's somehow their fault for not trying hard enough. Don't be that person OP.

I personally would not believe that I had the whole truth. Cheaters lie and they are good at it.

But say you do, then first of all you need a contrite and intensly hard working WS since she is a serial cheater, but that is only a requirement, it's not a reason to stay together. That is entirely up to her.

I suggest you detach, that is entirely up to you. Get to the point where you know you will be find without her, talk to a lawyer and know your rights. Then make your decision from a point of strength, not fear. Make the decision because you want to and not because of all you have to lose. I would make my decision based on the quality of my life moving forward. I personally know now from being cheated on that I am not a person who can get over it. But maybe you are different.

One thing I will tell you from having moved on is you can get over it 100% if you do. I never think about it, except when I am on here giving advice. I don't think I missed out on anything. It's just something ****ty that someone whom I loved at the time did to me. But I overcame it.

It's your life.
 

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Discussion Starter · #277 ·
I have read these sites about 5 years now and I think the poster who wrote to you was right. I think the answer is if you stay together this will always be a part of your marriage. You won't get over it but some people can learn to live with it. It's not uncommon to read these boards and find people 10, 15 even 30 years out saying it's the first thing they think about in the morning and the last thing at night. I think a lot of that has to do with the person you are married to. If they really change then maybe it's not as bad, but that is because these folks are like a different person. Thing is if you thought they were great before, found out they cheated, and now they pretty much act the same, then how can you tell the change. To me that leaves doubt, because you had no idea they were lyinig in the first place, so I suspect you will wonder is this still an good act.

I often find it strange that people even ask the question. Look at it like this if you started a business with someone and that partner stole from you. If you chose to stay in business with them do you think it would be realistic that you wouldn't have any fear they would do it again?

I think that many people who have affairs get caught up in magic thinking, and may people who choose to stay in marriages with cheating do the same thing. They think that can go back to a marriage that is gone with a person who no longer exist. Then tragically when it doesn't happy they think it's somehow their fault for not trying hard enough. Don't be that person OP.

I personally would not believe that I had the whole truth. Cheaters lie and they are good at it.

But say you do, then first of all you need a contrite and intensly hard working WS since she is a serial cheater, but that is only a requirement, it's not a reason to stay together. That is entirely up to her.

I suggest you detach, that is entirely up to you. Get to the point where you know you will be find without her, talk to a lawyer and know your rights. Then make your decision from a point of strength, not fear. Make the decision because you want to and not because of all you have to lose. I would make my decision based on the quality of my life moving forward. I personally know now from being cheated on that I am not a person who can get over it. But maybe you are different.

One thing I will tell you from having moved on is you can get over it 100% if you do. I never think about it, except when I am on here giving advice. I don't think I missed out on anything. It's just something ****ty that someone whom I loved at the time did to me. But I overcame it.

It's your life.
Thanks a lot for this type of opinion, I really appreciate it and you put it into words beautifully
 

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Discussion Starter · #279 ·
Do you really want to be married to someone you can’t trust? Being a marriage warden is a thankless task.
It sounds like you value this marriage (if you can call it that) more than she does.
I know and understand this will be just plain hard, I am a loving person and I trust people, always have, so it will be extremely hard to live like this, I will be miserable. I just want to believe that something extraordinary is possible (if I ever decide to try it). There is obviously a long history and details between us that only we know, and of course not having the whole context I understand might leave to some opinions, but I appreciate them all
 

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You won't get over it but some people can learn to live with it. It's not uncommon to read these boards and find people 10, 15 even 30 years out saying it's the first thing they think about in the morning and the last thing at night. I think a lot of that has to do with the person you are married to.
This is me right now. I should say it wasn't always like this after my wife's cheating. I went for years not really thinking about it much, raising kids and having a fairly normal marriage. But about 6 months ago, I started a downward spiral of middle-age regret about a lot of things, not just how I acted after discovering my wife's infidelity, and I started obsessing over it, which led to snooping, which led to the discovery of the serial cheating during that time that I was previously unaware of. My point is that it may seem right now that you can get past this, and maybe for some time you will, but it's very likely to come back to bite you at some point in your life. My advice is not to risk that, to not spend precious years of your life courting this potential emotional peril, at which point you'll find yourself further down the road of life with fewer years left. Don't be me, in other words.
 
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