Worst Valentine’s Day ever!

My wife of 7 years accidentally left her journal in a very accessible place and didn’t expect me to be home early. I opened it and found daily references to how much she loves another man.

It’s like an atomic bomb just dropped on me. I knew something was up because she had grown distant but I couldn’t prove anything. I somehow knew something was up with this guy but I always trusted her and never believed she would ever love someone more.

It’s all so hard to understand. I’m a respected and high-earning specialist physician. I have worked hard for everything I have. I am charasmatic, talented, and in great shape (run marathons).

This other man is overweight, broke (below the poverty line), and married with 3 young daughters.

My wife works part time. This gave her unlimited time and funds to meet up with this other man.

I just can’t believe this and it SUCKS. How do I cope? What do I do??

i am sorry you have to go through this...

start by documenting everything. take pictures of the journal entries, upload them to an offsite location. store them in two places.

the hardest part is going to be deciding what you want to do. divorce, or reconcile. personally, what i would do is expose the affair to everyone, including the other mans wife and your cheating wife's family and friends. at the same time i would start divorce proceedings, even if i wanted to reconcile. divorce proceedings can always be stopped later if you so choose.

 

Well, trying not to be irksome, I suspect he gave her what you could not.

His time.
His attention.

You are likely very busy, have always been busy. It is the nature of your job, especially early on in a Physician's career.

He has daughters. Do you two have children? Does she want children?

Looks are not always important. Money certainly is.
If and when you divorce your wife she will find that out. I suspect she will need to work full time to support her new family, if it goes to that.

She may be in a fog and is enjoying both worlds, the nice one you provide and the cozy passionate one the 'poor' POSOM provides.
Normally, it is the good looking, wealthy doctor who steals another man's wife.

Either way, welcome to life and yes life can suck.

Sorry you are here.

 

Thank you.

Yes, that’s probably true. I wasn’t always there and wasn’t as attentive as I should have been.

We have no children, but we both want them. We tried for them, but she couldn’t have them, despite thousands of dollars spend on IVF. We then sort of gave up. That was a couple years ago.

We are both young - early 30’s

 

Thanks. I did take pictures of the journal entries. Not sure if I should send these to others at this point.

I would like to reconcile in theory but I don’t know if I can ever get over this.

Also, my wife joined a “club” of sorts where she met this guy and this club seems to mean the world to her. She has some other good friends there but this guy is always there.

I feel like I would have to ask her to leave this club and there’s no way that she ever would. So I’m between a rock and a hard place. I don’t know that I can stay with her if she continues there.

 

if you mean less to her than a club, then you need to start divorce proceedings. what kind of a marriage is built on such little devotion?

 

Whatever you want the best thing to do is immediately file for divorce. You will either quickly rip the bandaid off and move on with your life or the shock will get to her and she will beg for forgiveness. Playing nice and showing weakness always results in a drawn out struggle and ends in divorce anyway.

She absolutely has to go 100% no contact with him There is no other option.

I would ask her how Valentines was with her boyfriend and tell her I was going to see a divorce lawyer today and then refuse to answer the phone or texts.

 

whatever you want the best thing to do is immediately file for divorce. You will either quickly rip the bandaid off and move on with your life or the shock will get to her and she will beg for forgiveness. Playing nice and showing weakness always results in a drawn out struggle and ends in divorce anyway.

She absolutely has to go 100% no contact with him there is no other option.

I would ask her how valentines was with her boyfriend and tell her i was going to see a divorce lawyer today and then refuse to answer the phone or texts.

do this..........now!.............do this!

 

Does your wife write about anything outside of having feelings for this man? Are they actually having romantic interactions of any kind? Does this other man even know how she feels?

What does your wife do with her days that gives her any sense of purpose? (Aside from this "club"?)

Finding out something like this tends to completely destroy any romantic illusions that we may have had about our spouse. If you take a cold, hard look at your marriage, was it making you happy before you knew what you now know? (Happy, not just content.)

 

Yes - it talks about how his touch feels and the physical chemistry they have. Does mention kissing (in our house when I wasn’t there), but stops at that. Yes, the other man knows. She teaches music privately out of our home.

I can’t say that I was 100% happy, but I did/do love her and want a life with her.

 

Totally agree with Chaparral. Also implement the 180 for you.

You stated earlier you wanted to Reconcile, that is the wrong mindset for you. She broke it she has to fix it and earn the the right of Reconciliation from you

 

Sorry for your pain.

I'm steadfastly against reconciliation for my own selfish reasons. I know I would never he able to fully trust that person again and I refuse to live such a life. Without trust there can be no intimacy and that is something I refuse to endure.

You've got some soul searching to do. Your wife's character has been exposed and you know the ugly truth. Read the accounts on this board and see how some poor souls compromise their happiness by remaining with someone who has betrayed them. They follow them around, break into their emails, place hidden recording devices, etc. All in a never ending quest to prove that which can't be proven - that their spouse is no longer cheating. Is that the life you want? It's not for me.

 

I’m guessing she thinks you will be paying for her and him to live happily ever after. What state do you live in?

 

We’re in a no-fault state

I think bringing it up to the OM’s spouse is a bad idea since it will probably just incur animosity and she may be out for blood in a divorce

 

By the way, after you call your lawyer, call his wife. Cheating married husbands almost never want to leave their families.

 

Should I confront her with what I know?

 

NO! Play dumb until all your ducks are in a row.

 

Personally, my confrontation would be divorce papers.

If you choose to confront her in an effort to "fix' things, get ready for a healthy dose of blame reversal and gas lighting. If you are weak she will eat you alive. Remember, no matter what you did to contribute to disfunction in the marriage, the decision to cheat is hers and hers alone.

 

Worst Valentine’s Day ever!

My wife of 7 years accidentally left her journal in a very accessible place and didn’t expect me to be home early. I opened it and found daily references to how much she loves another man.

It’s like an atomic bomb just dropped on me. I knew something was up because she had grown distant but I couldn’t prove anything. I somehow knew something was up with this guy but I always trusted her and never believed she would ever love someone more.

It’s all so hard to understand. I’m a respected and high-earning specialist physician. I have worked hard for everything I have. I am charasmatic, talented, and in great shape (run marathons).

This other man is overweight, broke (below the poverty line), and married with 3 young daughters.

My wife works part time. This gave her unlimited time and funds to meet up with this other man.

I just can’t believe this and it SUCKS. How do I cope? What do I do??

"That's when she lets her guard down and allows her buttons to be so easily pushed. She very quickly runs off and has an affair with a man who, by pretty much everyone's standard, is a total loser.

Everyone: 'I don't get it… Him?!'

Sure, her affair partner may not be gainfully employed, may live in his parents' basement, may drive a ****ty car and may have a criminal record… but he's fun, interesting, and something about him pushes her buttons. He makes her feel sexy. He taps into something that makes her 'feel alive' again. He allows her to temporarily strip herself of the boring veneer of 'wife' and 'mom'. The societal pressure is miraculously lifted from her shoulders, one orgasm at a time.

He's her lover. He is no provider. She knows that. That's precisely what she likes about him.

Next thing you know, she is wiping the marriage scoreboard clean. All those provider points you have earned over the years mean exactly zero when somebody comes along and pushes those oft-neglected 'time to have sex' buttons of hers.

Men who are left by their wives start listing all the wonderful things they did as provider for her and the family. He's building the case for why her affair is completely irrational.

The wife's reaction: 'Yeah… So?'"


Your story is so textbook, it's like I wrote the above just for you (it's from my book). You ain't alone, my friend. Read.

 

Worst Valentine’s Day ever!

My wife of 7 years accidentally left her journal in a very accessible place and didn’t expect me to be home early. I opened it and found daily references to how much she loves another man.

It’s like an atomic bomb just dropped on me. I knew something was up because she had grown distant but I couldn’t prove anything. I somehow knew something was up with this guy but I always trusted her and never believed she would ever love someone more.

It’s all so hard to understand. I’m a respected and high-earning specialist physician. I have worked hard for everything I have. I am charasmatic, talented, and in great shape (run marathons).

This other man is overweight, broke (below the poverty line), and married with 3 young daughters.

My wife works part time. This gave her unlimited time and funds to meet up with this other man.

I just can’t believe this and it SUCKS. How do I cope? What do I do??

"That's when she lets her guard down and allows her buttons to be so easily pushed. She very quickly runs off and has an affair with a man who, by pretty much everyone's standard, is a total loser.

Everyone: 'I don't get it… Him?!'

Sure, her affair partner may not be gainfully employed, may live in his parents' basement, may drive a ****ty car and may have a criminal record… but he's fun, interesting, and something about him pushes her buttons. He makes her feel sexy. He taps into something that makes her 'feel alive' again. He allows her to temporarily strip herself of the boring veneer of 'wife' and 'mom'. The societal pressure is miraculously lifted from her shoulders, one orgasm at a time.

He's her lover. He is no provider. She knows that. That's precisely what she likes about him.

Next thing you know, she is wiping the marriage scoreboard clean. All those provider points you have earned over the years mean exactly zero when somebody comes along and pushes those oft-neglected 'time to have sex' buttons of hers.

Men who are left by their wives start listing all the wonderful things they did as provider for her and the family. He's building the case for why her affair is completely irrational.

The wife's reaction: 'Yeah… So?'"


Your story is so textbook, it's like I wrote the above just for you (it's from my book). You ain't alone, my friend. Read.

Geeez...

It’s so disgusting and unsettling. Do they (the wife that runs off with the dude) typically end up regretting it?

 

Geeez...

It’s so disgusting and unsettling. Do they (the wife that runs off with the dude) typically end up regretting it?

Depends on what you mean by regret. Regret being caught? Regret losing the life style? Regret losing the social status? Yes. Regret losing the man who was their husband? No.

 

If you are want another shot at this, then blow it up. Tell the OM's wife.

If you are divorcing, then wait to tell OM's spouse. Just file for divorce.
Don't make her bitter she lost her boyfriend. She will take it out on you.

In my opinion, especially without any kids, you need to be looking hard at divorce.

 

If you are want another shot at this, then blow it up. Tell the OM's wife.

If you are divorcing, then wait to tell OM's spouse. Just file for divorce.
Don't make her bitter she lost her boyfriend. She wil take it out on you.

In my opinion, especially without any kids, you need to be looking hard at divorce.

I took all night thinking about it. I am going to file. After I file, I am seriously debating telling the OM’s wife.

 

donesies,

I am so sorry for your pain.

What are you hoping to get from confrontation at this point? A reasonable explanation for her behaviour? Because what you're going to get (I can guarantee it) is someone who says that this is your fault for not being there for her enough. Or not noticing that she was really unhappy. Because frankly, if she truly felt bad about it right now, she wouldn't be doing it.

The advice here is often harsh ... and may seem extreme. Especially when your state of mind is as it is now (where you might still want to try and hold onto the comfort of what you thought was real). And yes, filing for divorce, or even seeing an attorney, does seem like an extreme action ... in a normal marriage. But, if you think about the facts of the situation, your wife has decided that she loves another man and is acting on that, even within your own home. Your actions from this point should simply be logical reactions to her behaviour.

 

Worst Valentine’s Day ever!

My wife of 7 years accidentally left her journal in a very accessible place and didn’t expect me to be home early. I opened it and found daily references to how much she loves another man.

It’s like an atomic bomb just dropped on me. I knew something was up because she had grown distant but I couldn’t prove anything. I somehow knew something was up with this guy but I always trusted her and never believed she would ever love someone more.

It’s all so hard to understand. I’m a respected and high-earning specialist physician. I have worked hard for everything I have. I am charasmatic, talented, and in great shape (run marathons).

This other man is overweight, broke (below the poverty line), and married with 3 young daughters.

My wife works part time. This gave her unlimited time and funds to meet up with this other man.

I just can’t believe this and it SUCKS. How do I cope? What do I do??

Are you certain she did not want you to find the journal because she was to much of a coward to tell it to your face?

That being said finding out on Valentines day your wife's heart belongs to another is a real bombshell. I suggest you do the following to return the favor:

Do not confront her yet.

See a lawyer and take expert advice to protect your assets and future earnings and have divorce papers drawn up. Prepare multiple copies of incriminating journal entries and prepare list of all close family and friends. Have her served divorce papers at the group meeting. At the same time send those journal copies to all immediate close friends and family explaining why you are divorcing. Wait by the location while she is served. When she starts blowing up your phone do not answer calls or texts. When she exits the group meeting place hand her a packed suitcase along with copies of her journal entries and simply wish her the best with the new love of her life and walk away.

As prep work on day she is served make sure to cancel all joint accounts especially credit cards and banking. Even Amazon Prime and Netflix. Everything. Don't forget Life insurance and 401K. Also have all her crap moved into storage with one month payed up front. If the law in your area allows change the locks on the house. If she insists on moving back in remove all her crap from bedroom and padlock bedroom door.

Sir, you have only been married 7 years and she has strayed. Despite what ever her excuses will be she has been cruel and disloyal. Don't validate 30 years from now that this particular leopard cannot change it's spots and spend the rest of your life paying crippling alimony payments.

Dump her and fast. Plenty of loyal women out there who would love to be the partner of a successful doctor and the high income life that brings along.

 

You're a physician. You have the capacity to make a lot of money.

She has the capacity to cheat. If you R now, who's to say she won't do it again?

The longer you stay, the more of your $$ she leaves with. File for D, you can always change your mind later.

Best of luck, and I'm so sorry.




Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

 

OP: right now you are in shock and can't think straight, but listen to what is being said here.
You are in the position of being able to divorce while there are no children. Do it. And expose, expose, just time it with serving her. Do not be afraid, this is one of those moments in life where you need to really, really grasp your balls and act decidedly, and with confidence. Let her fight you. You live in a no fault state. Get the best pitbull lawyer that you can get and you go for the yugular.

Please, do not go into the "pick me" dance, that's the worst you can do. She'll lose any little respect she might still have for you. Shock and awe my friend, go for it, be the man you know you are.

 

Why stay?
Why allow them to disrespect you?
Why allow yourself to be treated like this?
Why listen to another lie?

1) First and foremost, your spouse is a person of low character
2) Second - The affair is not nor will it ever be your fault
3) Lawyer. Today. Know your rights. Start the Divorce. Start to get primary rights to your kids (if you have some). You can always stop the process in the future
4) Doctor - get STD/STI/HIV tests started. Your life depends on it!
5) Counselor for you. One that has experience with infidelity. You're going to need to talk with someone about this
6) Eat.
7) Sleep (at least 8 hours a night if possible)
8) Drink water (avoid alcohol at this point, it won't help)
9) Get to gym and start working out - it helps the body, the mind, and the soul
10) Start to separate funds
11) 180 like your life depended on it.
12) DNA your kids. Not so much to see if they are yours (hopefully they are), but to show her that you can't trust anything about her (again, if you have them)
13) Expose. Lies thrive in the dark.
14) Don't know who originally posted it, but they are a genius:

Just Let Them Go

The end result?

The end result is to respect yourself in the end, let go of the people that don't value you or respect you.

That is the end result.

The quickest way to get a cheating spouse back is to let them go with a smile on your face wishing them the best in life and hoping that everything works out in their relationship with their affair partner.

Seriously, the quickest way to get them back.

Nothing else works better or quicker.

Let them go.

Agree with them and their feelings,
"you should be with the OM, I hope he makes you happy, good bye"

Wouldn't that be true love?

If you really loved your spouse, and wanted them to have what they really want in life which is the other person they're in love with, wouldn't letting them go be the approach if you really love them?

Why focus on the affair or the drama associated with it?
Just let them go. Give them their freedom.

You can take a good hard look at yourself in the mirror everyday and improve yourself but do it for you, not for someone else, the changes will never stick when it's done for someone else, do it for your benefit and you will probably make those changes last much longer if not indefinitely - because it's for your benefit and you realize the importance and value in that benefit because YOU are involved.

I will never tell someone to change to entice a WAW back when she's been cheating on him. I don't care how bad a marriage, there is never an excuse for cheating. That is a personal decision that someone makes to cheat on their spouse. If a marriage is really bad, leave, get a divorce, speak up to your spouse and tell them flat out "this marriage sucks and if things don't change I'm going to leave you and find someone better" and if things don't improve, leave that person.

But cheating, no excuses.

Think about cheating.
A wayward spouse who cheats on their spouse goes behind their back, secretly, telling lies, feeling guilty, getting angry at their spouse for getting in the way of their fantasies but never owning up to their actions, never admitting what they're doing. If a person who cheats on their spouse felt justified in their actions, why hide and go behind their spouses backs when they start cheating, why lie, why make up excuses about late nights at work and going to a friends place and sleeping over because they drank too much and any other such nonsense?

Deep down, the cheating spouse knows there is something inherently wrong with their actions otherwise they wouldn't lie about their actions and hide what they're doing.

Fighting the affair? For what reason?
To compete with the OM or OW for your spouse?
What message does that communicate to your wayward spouse?
They have lots of value and you have none because now you have to compete with another person for their love? Competing with your wayward spouse's affair partner never works, it just prolongs an ugly drama filled process.

The easiest way to show you will not tolerate cheating in your relationship is to let that person go. That is the easiest and most effective way to show this.

"Look wife/husband, I won't be in an open relationship with you, I won't give you X number of days, weeks, months to make your mind, if you really feel like you need to sit on the fence on this decision and can't decide between your affair partner and me well I will make the decision for you, you can be with them because I'm no longer an option. I love you and wish you a good life with them and hope it works out for you because it didn't work out for us. Now the best thing we can do for each other is to make this process as graceful and peaceful as possible for us and our children, I'll contact a lawyer/mediator and get started on the process of our legal separation/divorce."

You give them what they want.
You don't fight them on this issue.
You agree with their feelings,
they want to be with the other person, fine they should be with the other person, let them be with the other person.

You will never convince a person to change their feelings with your arguments and logic. You can not find one member on this website in a situation where they are dealing with infidelity where they got their spouse to change their mind about how they feel about their affair partner.

You can't say "don't love them, love me instead",
you can't say "look at me, I'm better in every way compared to your affair partner, pick me instead of them",
you can't say "you took marriage vows, you promised to love me"

I agree, you don't have to make it easy for your wayward spouse to have an affair, but when you let them go, "lovingly detach", you don't have to worry about making it easy for them. It's no longer your concern, they can have you or them but not both and not at the same time and since they've chosen to have an affair, they've made their choice, there is no profit in fighting that decision. Let them go and move on with your life, that is the quickest, easiest way to get them back.

You definitely don't support them financially and enable them, that would be weak, wussy, clingy, insecure behavior - something in you telling you that you need to support them financially while they're having an affair, hoping they'll realize how nice you are and come back to you.

Just let them go, have them move out or you move out and live a good life without them.

 

And, to be sure, this is not your fault. Sure, you are very busy at work and perhaps the attention was lacking but...a spouse should advise and work on the issue and not make a piss poor CHOICE by starting an affair. That is not the answer to the marital issue at hand.

Not your fault sir. None of it. Poor choice on your W part is the problem.

 

To this, I'll add that it's well-understood that doctors have very demanding careers; you'd have to live under a rock to not know this.

My point is that she knew what she was getting into by marrying a doctor. Don't buy the B.S. that she had no idea you would be away so much, you failed her, etc. There's a decent chance you were targeted for your income and she though she could play around but got caught.

 

OP,

You have a bad combination there. You probably spend quite a bit of time working, and your wife seeks validation from outside sources. There's a name for that kind of woman.

Your best option is to file. Keep your mouth shut and your eyes open. Get your ducks in a row and file.

After the divorce is final notify the OM W and send copies of the journal to her and all family members on both sides. This keeps her from trashing your name and serves the exposure as well.

 

Play dumb and file.

Let the process server do the talking for you.

 

Waiting to expose for financial reasons is pure unadulterated selfishness. The other family is heading for the rocks. His wife deserves to know so she can try and reconcile or kick him to the curb. Not exposing is becoming a third party to the affair.

Waiting for an attorneys advice will get you advice that makes it easier on the attorney and strip you of what’s left of your backbone. If you want to have any chance at reconcilliation you have to blow the affair up. Personally I would go shock and awe, divorce her deceitful heart and find a woman that can have babies.

Regarding money, most states that pretty much cut and dried. Of course she is going try and fleece you. She works part time.

 

No kids. In love with another man. Best to just divorce IMO. Why waste 5 years of your life trying to fix something that's so broken and still winding up with a woman you cant really trust.

Strategically speaking, if you are committed to divorcing, don't blow anything up. Just divorce. Your attorney is going to give you the exact same advice:

- Don't rock the boat.
- She is in the fog with this guy. Take advantage of it.
- Get the best deal you can while she is in la-la land.
- If you destroy the relationship with the OM right now, she will either (1) start having second thoughts and slow the D down or (2) get desperate or angry and try to take you to the cleaners

If you want to reconcile, then the strategy changes.

 

This is good advice.

No kids

No brainer

 

What do I do??

Drop her like a rock.