[t666a4]

Me (m30) found out my wife (f30) of 9 years was sending pictures to a guy, made out with him. : relationships

There is my post on reddit concerning this

But a quick rundown.

Two Saturday's ago, she was drunk, and he kissed her, they suppsoedly made out, then she pushed him off saying it was wrong.

This last week, we were out of town. And they texted back and forth a lot, and she said he asked for pictures from her.

She said she was confused but was seeking attention. She sent him a lot of pictures.

And they have been texting back and forth every sense, a lot of texts. Two nights ago, having my radar going off, I grabbed her phone and cornered her into telling me what was going on.

She wouldn't give any details till I had to basically interrogated them out of her. I felt like I didnt get an answer till I asked the question.

Basically, I was referred here from Reddit, I wanted to one, try and recover the text messages, she has an iphone 4s. And two, I want to get advice in here.

Just to be clear as well. I tried recovering from itunes, but she hasnt synced this last week.
Also, I'm not sure why I want to see the texts, but it feels like I need verification of everything she said, because its hard to believe anything she says right now. I mean, on one hand I believe her, but maybe I am being too trusting, and she is telling me what I want to hear.

 

[DedicatedDad]

Spybubble, webwatcher, phone sheriff, mobile-spy, stealth genie.


Once you have all the evidence you need demand that your wife cut off all contact with the OM, she must become completely transparent and open to you, passwords, accounts, phones, etc...

This is a start, but first you have to get the OM out of the picture and that means forever, no contact, zilch, zero, nada, no mas, nothing, no contact means no contact.

Good Luck

 

[the guy]

Trust your gut , she lied to once she will lie to you again.

It will take some time but for now everything she says needs to be verified...thats just how it is.

The betrayal gives you every right to not trust her for now and it is her transparentcy and accountablity compined with hard proof that will confirm her words.

In short she has given you more then enough to not trust her...a consequences she now has to face for her actions.

 

[SomedayDig]

Of course you want to believe her...she's your wife. However, that is the tough part - she wasn't acting like your wife in the least bit when she was "making out" with a guy. If you've read some of the threads around here, and I hate to be the one to say this, but "making out" is usually code for some kind of sexual activity whether oral or full blown sex.

Also, you need to understand some of the other language of infidelity. "He kissed her" usually means she wanted it just as badly but doesn't want to admit it - especially in a drunk state. "She pushed him off saying it was wrong" usually means they finished what they were doing and she felt guilty. Otherwise...she would not have afterwards sent so many texts and pics. Period.

As for needing to see the texts...well, you don't really need to see them. What you need is for your wife to tell you exactly what she said and what the pics exactly showed. I promise you this, man: Be prepared for her to trickle truth you to death on this stuff. Unless she truly feels remorse for what she did, and by your description that doesn't appear to be the case, then you may never get the truth...you'll get the "truth".

 

[AZman]

Man, I feel for you. I started my post yesterday seeking help. I cannot say enough how helpful this site has been with advice and guidance.

It sucks that I ended up here as well as you, but I cannot say enough how much help and support I have gotten here. It has helped immensly.

Best of luck to you.

 

[thunderstruck]

She wouldn't give any details till I... out of her.

You might want to go back and edit or delete that line above (I shortened your quote) from your 1st post. It wouldn't be good for your wife to find it, and use it against you in court.

 

[Shaggy]

Problem number one: your wife is going out getting drunk without you. She's obviously going out to single places and getting drunk and meeting guys. That isn't something a married person should be doing.

Also they has sex. Two adults don't go kissy face together for too long before the clothes come off. It was at least oral sex or hand jobs.

The fact that she willingly took tons of nude photos and sent them to him shows that she has no problems at all being naked for him, that means she's been naked in person with him, and intended to be again,

As for you wife and the OM.

Contact with him is over for her forever.

You however need to find his wife and tell her. Do not warn your wife that you may of it. Just find her and tell her that your wife and her husband have been having an affair.

I actually suggest you do tell your wife's friends. They might already know because she's likely told some of them. She's likely trash talked about you to them, and your wife needs to be held accountable for her choice to cheat,

Also understand that your wife didn't stop her cheating willingly and she right now has no remorse. She got caught and her only interest right now s saving herself, protecting her OM, and if she can arrange it, eventually containing the affair.

You cannot trust her to tell you the truth about anything for a long time.

Expect that she will try to contact the OM again, either through another channel like FB or another phone.

Exocet that she will continue to deny sex.

Demand she takes a polygraph, they cost a couple hundred and are easy to find locally, do a google search for polygraph and your city.

 

[rrrbbbttt]

Agree with Dig, Be aware of Trickle Truth. If it has gone as far a pictures, I assume nude sent over the internet she would have no issue with completing a PA.

You need to get answers and you need to understand the depth of this Affair. You are only in the first step.

As of right now your wife is not your wife she is a WS who is having an affair and has not stopped the Affair. You have only discovered it and now she is doing damage control.

 

[AZman]

Spybubble, webwatcher, phone sheriff, mobile-spy, stealth genie.


Once you have all the evidence you need demand that your wife cut off all contact with the OM, she must become completely transparent and open to you, passwords, accounts, phones, etc...

This is a start, but first you have to get the OM out of the picture and that means forever, no contact, zilch, zero, nada, no mas, nothing, no contact means no contact.

Good Luck

Any reccomendations on which software is better than others? I am going to probably want it for an Iphone 4/4s

 

[Shaggy]

It's very obvious you wife's pan is to sweep the while thing under the rug and move on.

Let me tell you what will happen if you do that.

1. The same reasons your wife chose to cheat will still exist unchanged.
2. She will learn from how you caught her and will be smarter next time.
3. She will view you as weak and not worthy of her respect or love. You need to hold her accountable and face consequences, including people knowing that she cheated.

4. She will cheat again.

I am not saying for you to humiliate or get vengeance on her. I sm however telling you that you must hod her accountable.

She must give you forever full access to her passwords. You can and will be able to see everything she is doing and saying. No secrets. Married couples should not have secrets from one another. Privacy is closing the door on the bathroom, not the freedom to have secret relationships that you spouse is excluded from.

She must take a polygraph.

She must go to counseling.

She must stop drinking without you there and she no longer gets to go out partying and going to bars without you.

She has to earn back the privilege of being your wife..

She must come clench to her friends with you present to hear it.she needs to take full ownership of her choice to chest and the consequences that come with it.

 

[Shaggy]

Your immediate goal is exposing to the OMW. That will get him to break off contact with your wife to save his own hide.

It will also get her to not want yo be with him because he will be dumping her hard.

It is also a great test to see if she is actually interested in trying to fix your marriage. If she is wanting to be loyal to you, he wont care that the OM is exposed and won't care that he dumps her.

 

[t666a4]

Thanks for everything.

To clarify a few things.

We sat together yesterday morning, he texted her. And I asked her what she wanted to say, and we texted it, together back to him breaking it off.

I told her she is never ever to contact him again for any reason whatsoever.

One of her friends knows, and I kind of want to talk to her privately about it.

I also want to talk to him.

I'm scared though.

 

[SomedayDig]

Scared of what? Finding out how deep the rabbit hole goes?! Dude, you need to snap out of this and simply hold your wife's feet to the fire on this. No one and I mean NO ONE is gonna have more answers than she. Also, there's no reason to talk to the other guy. What are ya gonna say? More importantly, do you honestly think HE would tell YOU the truth?! Forget it.

 

[tom67]

Thanks for everything.

To clarify a few things.

We sat together yesterday morning, he texted her. And I asked her what she wanted to say, and we texted it, together back to him breaking it off.

I told her she is never ever to contact him again for any reason whatsoever.

One of her friends knows, and I kind of want to talk to her privately about it.

I also want to talk to him.

I'm scared though.

Talk to the friend I wouldn't waste my time with him though you will look weak but get info from the friend or anyone else who was there.

 

[Shaggy]

Do not talk to him. It is a waste of time. He will lie and say anything to cover himself.

Do tell his wife. It's your very very best bet at truly ending the affair.

Go read the thread "I cheated" and see that it helped end that woman's cheating on her husband,

 

[SomedayDig]

Here is your message from Reddit:

Hey,

My wife has been acting weird lately, it was small things. But they added up, and finally last night I confronted her.

She wouldn't hand over her cell phone, so I took it, and asked her to punch in her password.

She did then asked it for back right away. I held onto it and told her what I was thinking. THat she has been acting weird lately, and I wanted to see what was up.

Finally I get out of her that some guy was trying to sleep with her.

She swears up and down that she didn't, so we keep going, and I get out of her that two Saturdays ago she made out with him, but finally pushed him off of her and said she can't.

Last week, apparently though, she has been texting the living **** out of him. Including lots of nude pictures. Apparently, this guy, who is also married, was trying to get her to meet him today. She said she wasn't going to do anything and avoid him, because she has too much guilt from what had happened already.

He texted her this morning, after we were up most of the night talking and crying. I sat there while she texted him that it was over and she couldn't do it, and continue, in less words.

She told me all of this, because pretty much all of the text messages were deleted. But she kept leaving things out till I asked specific questions, then something else would come out.

I looked on our cell phone bill online, and saw tons of text messages to his number, and a lot more pictures than she said she sent him.

She then said that she had resent some of the pictures from last week.

I don't know what to do, I don't really have anyone to talk to, as my friends wife's are her friends and I don't want this getting out


So...this other guy is out to bang your wife and weeks after she knows what he's about she "makes out" with him.

Well, bro...there's your answer. Unless you wanna see the cold and harsh reality, I'm outta here. Which isn't really a big deal in the end as I hardly have any advice to give.

 

[Cdelta02]

Its normal to be scared. However, you should listen to Shaggy. There havent been enough consequences here for her to really break it off. Even if she is true to her word with this OM, before long there will be another.

This is what you need to do:
1. Expose affair to OM's wife (OMW). Provide her with the details she will need to confront.
1a. Expose the affair to at least 50% of her friends, especially those who she thinks highly of and who she looks up to. The intent of exposing is to bring shame and reality into the picture and make sure that the castle in the sky she has been building comes crashing down.
2. Ask your wife to write down a timeline of everything that happened. Include as many details as possible, especially everything that you want to know. Writing this down is important. How many texts, how many nude, how many re-sent, etc. If she doesnt remember, ballparks are ok. However dont give this up so easily, push for actual details as much as you can.
3. Ask her to sync her phone in front of you. Get into iTunes and validate what she told you and wrote down. Tell her no more deletion of texts. You will be checking up on the providers records. Any deletion and you will take it as her planning sex with OM.
4. Tell her if she is missing any details and hoping you will gloss over it, she is wrong. This is her one and only chance to come clean completely.
5. Tell her you want a polygraph. See her reaction. It will tell you a lot of whether she has been truthful. Then go ahead and schedule one.
6. You are going to have her put in the NC letter as mentioned before by others.
7. You will need to remove the chances she will meet up with the OM. I dont know where they met, but it must no longer be made available, if they met at work, she needs to find some other place to work, etc.
8. Dont be afraid of losing her. If you dont want this to happen again, you have to lose your own fear and go nuclear on the affair.
9. Once this is done, no more nights out by herself. You both go or she stays at home. You can watch movies together instead.
10. if there are periods when she is alone put in VARs to capture what is being said. Also do put keyloggers on her PC.
11. Check to see if she is truly remorseful.


And finally, go contact a lawyer and know what your rights are. Even if you dont file for a D, you should know.

 

[AZman]

Man, no good can come from talking to him. He is going to lie, or worse piss you off. Neither are going to help you.

 

[t666a4]

Okay, I wont talk to him about it.

I do still want to talk to her friend that she was with that night.

We have helped her so much going through her divorce. (Yes, her best friend is going through a divorce right now, and happens to be sleeping around with others.)

I think she would talk to me.

I asked her to do a timeline, and we spoke again for along time just now.

I got other things out of her, and told her that me having to interrogate her isnt helping the situation. She spilled a few more things about what happened. About their "making out" session.

She still swears they didn't have sex, but I only think that makes this sorta worth trying to save, had she admitted to extra marital sex I would defintely have cut it off and would be talking to a lawyer. I think I might anyways though, since everyone is recommending it.

I am not sure how to track down the OM's wife... any suggestions?
I know where he works, but that is it.

We already synced phones and went over everything.
She apparently deleted all the messages right after they happened or well before I was able to get onto her phone.

I wasn't able to find anything one her itunes backup. I looked over Verizon's website.

I didnt see any indication that they ever talked before two saturdays ago. But the first text from his number was the 18th-26th.

She said she was trying to stop it as of Monday, but also on Monday she sent him a load of pictures earlier in the day, so I just dont know what to believe. I guess, she said she didn't know why she kept sending them, felt pressured (which I immediately called bull**** on)

 

[t666a4]

What do you mean by NC letter?