Talk About Marriage banner
Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 20 of 36 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
10 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I don't know where to begin but perhaps I can start with February 12, 2012 where my wife emotionally exploded on me on an unprecedented scale. We had arguments as any normal couple does in the past but this is one ended in HER stating that she did not want to be with me in the relationship anymore, physically, sexually, or emotionally. We have been married 16 years, known each other for 21 years, have two great kids (boy 7, girl 3), and have gone through a rough period the last few years. To say the least, I was completely shocked by the declaration that she wanted no more part of me. Especially when looking back, most of our arguments appeared rather mundane, and it always seemed we addressed our arguments and moved on. This was a complete and utter shock for me and it was the end of my world going away.

I panicked and I asked that we go to counseling right away. She agreed and in the following weeks, we setup with a marriage counselor. Shortly thereafter we each had our own therapists as well where we can work on our own issues. There was a lot of talking and sharing and her pain came down to me demeaning her in the last few years to the point where she felt cornered and needed to explode. I had never intended to treat her wrongly. I had lost my only brother of a heart attack several years ago and tie that in with the stress of work, buying a new house, and having kids, I just never worked on my own issues. We reviewed other areas where I was the culprit and being a troubleshooter both professionally and personally, I took it upon myself to sort out the issues I was causing and address them. I worked on them like no other person worked on their own issues in their entire life! I put my heart and soul into it.

I took a whole new perspective on life and yet my wife was still rather disconnected from me, especially with the intimacy part. Not only could I not approach her about making love, I could not hold her hand and even my presence seemed to annoy her. I thought this was part of the process where I had to give her space and I did that. Not only that, I supported her in everything she tried, coordinated things for us to do as a family, etc.. I tried everything and it all seemed to finally get better on the relationship side of things. We were talking, going out on dates more, laughter starting to come back in our lives, etc.

But I have always had a nagging doubt that things were not what they seemed. This doubt was driven by my own therapist simply stating I should be hiring a detective to find out if she is cheating, friends suggesting cheating may be the issue, and reading some online articles on a cheating wife. When I read the article by the way, I found that she completely matched 7 of the 8 sings it covered. New appearance and focus in looks (she had never focused on herself until recent year or so), working out heavily, yada yada. I could not even begin to believe to consider my own wife would actually cheat.

D-DAY: And yet, last Wednesday, I snooped and found emails she had sent between herself and a friend. The emails described a sexual relationship with another guy she used to work with (OM1) and referred to another relationship with yes another person (OM2). They talked about her sexual escapades and complete and utter disregard for me, our kids, and the family that we worked so hard to nurture all these years. The utter shock and appalling nature of the emails were were such that I trembled and could not breathe for quite a while. Anger, rage, disgust, humiliation, all flowed in like there was no tomorrow. The pain is unbearable.

After speaking with my therapist and our marriage counselor, I confronted her in our weekly session and she seemed in shock that I presented those emails to her. She even said outright in the emails that OM1 stopped seeing her and that all she needed was a lame excuse to go back into his arms. Most of this relationships by the way, took place in April of 2012, after the emotional blowup. The lame excuse email was a more recent email from October.

So through this confrontation and in the days following, she just does not seem remorseful of the family she is about to destroy just for her own personal needs and desires. I don’t even know how to address anything as I am in complete and utter shock at not only the betrayal but also a lack of remorse at someone who would not show emotions at being caught. She didn’t cry or beg forgiveness. She just apologized for hurting me.

How the hell does this happen? I get it that it happens each day to people all over the place but like anything, you never conceive it will be your wife doing the cheating.

Any help or guidance would be appreciated.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
518 Posts
1. Do the 180
2. Seperate finances
3. See an attorney and get the info for a Divorce
4. Do not move out of the house
5. Expose to her family, his family, her place of business if it happended there.
6. Get checked for STDs
7. Take good physical care of yourself
8. Do not have Sex with her.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
9,914 Posts
She's not remorseful at all.

You at least now know the truth that the problems that you have been hearing about and that YOU need to work on are a total smoke screen.

The entire and only reason she's act the way she has is because she was cheating, AND everytime she had a blowup etc IT was because f what was going on with the OM.

He dumped her and so she gets emotional and has you go to MC nd work on you.

Meanwhile she's still involved wth other men.

Now you know, nothing at You tried in MC had any chance of working. Nothing. She was playing you and the MC and wasting your time and money.


------

First find the wives or gf of these men an exposé their cheating.

Next, your wife has no remorse. None. You are clearly her plan B and have been so for a long time. You really need to look at the real person she is and ask yourself if that's someone you can trust every again, and if she's someone you can stand to be with.

Both of you need STD tests, because her affair sex was not protected snd it sounds like she engaged in a lot of acts shell never ever agreed to do for you.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
9,914 Posts
Oh and the Feb 12 date clearly was her setting up a fight so she could blow you off for valentines day and be with her OM. She cut you off sexually because she did not want to betray him by sleeping with you.


You need to go nuclear and expose the OMen and her.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
148 Posts
I don't know where to begin but perhaps I can start with February 12, 2012 where my wife emotionally exploded on me on an unprecedented scale. We had arguments as any normal couple does in the past but this is one ended in HER stating that she did not want to be with me in the relationship anymore, physically, sexually, or emotionally. We have been married 16 years, known each other for 21 years, have two great kids (boy 7, girl 3), and have gone through a rough period the last few years. To say the least, I was completely shocked by the declaration that she wanted no more part of me. Especially when looking back, most of our arguments appeared rather mundane, and it always seemed we addressed our arguments and moved on. This was a complete and utter shock for me and it was the end of my world going away.

I panicked and I asked that we go to counseling right away. She agreed and in the following weeks, we setup with a marriage counselor. Shortly thereafter we each had our own therapists as well where we can work on our own issues. There was a lot of talking and sharing and her pain came down to me demeaning her in the last few years to the point where she felt cornered and needed to explode. I had never intended to treat her wrongly. I had lost my only brother of a heart attack several years ago and tie that in with the stress of work, buying a new house, and having kids, I just never worked on my own issues. We reviewed other areas where I was the culprit and being a troubleshooter both professionally and personally, I took it upon myself to sort out the issues I was causing and address them. I worked on them like no other person worked on their own issues in their entire life! I put my heart and soul into it.

I took a whole new perspective on life and yet my wife was still rather disconnected from me, especially with the intimacy part. Not only could I not approach her about making love, I could not hold her hand and even my presence seemed to annoy her. I thought this was part of the process where I had to give her space and I did that. Not only that, I supported her in everything she tried, coordinated things for us to do as a family, etc.. I tried everything and it all seemed to finally get better on the relationship side of things. We were talking, going out on dates more, laughter starting to come back in our lives, etc.

But I have always had a nagging doubt that things were not what they seemed. This doubt was driven by my own therapist simply stating I should be hiring a detective to find out if she is cheating, friends suggesting cheating may be the issue, and reading some online articles on a cheating wife. When I read the article by the way, I found that she completely matched 7 of the 8 sings it covered. New appearance and focus in looks (she had never focused on herself until recent year or so), working out heavily, yada yada. I could not even begin to believe to consider my own wife would actually cheat.

D-DAY: And yet, last Wednesday, I snooped and found emails she had sent between herself and a friend. The emails described a sexual relationship with another guy she used to work with (OM1) and referred to another relationship with yes another person (OM2). They talked about her sexual escapades and complete and utter disregard for me, our kids, and the family that we worked so hard to nurture all these years. The utter shock and appalling nature of the emails were were such that I trembled and could not breathe for quite a while. Anger, rage, disgust, humiliation, all flowed in like there was no tomorrow. The pain is unbearable.

After speaking with my therapist and our marriage counselor, I confronted her in our weekly session and she seemed in shock that I presented those emails to her. She even said outright in the emails that OM1 stopped seeing her and that all she needed was a lame excuse to go back into his arms. Most of this relationships by the way, took place in April of 2012, after the emotional blowup. The lame excuse email was a more recent email from October.

So through this confrontation and in the days following, she just does not seem remorseful of the family she is about to destroy just for her own personal needs and desires. I don’t even know how to address anything as I am in complete and utter shock at not only the betrayal but also a lack of remorse at someone who would not show emotions at being caught. She didn’t cry or beg forgiveness. She just apologized for hurting me.

How the hell does this happen? I get it that it happens each day to people all over the place but like anything, you never conceive it will be your wife doing the cheating.

Any help or guidance would be appreciated.
This is so sad. I do feel bad for you and hope you have a good support system to get through this time.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
877 Posts
More than likely there is more and it started before February.
1. File for divorce. You can always retract the divorce if you decide to reconcile, but get it started to show her you are serious. This will help her snap out of the fog.
2. Do the 180 as hard as you can. Do not have any personal conversations with your wife. Communicate only about things you are legaly required to. This will force her to stop living in her fantasy world, and stop her cake eating. But it's more for you. It will help you emotionally detach so you can see things with a clearer head.
3. Get in shape. Eat right, workout.
4. Get STP tested.
5. Stay in your house but stay on the 180.
6. Expose the affair to family and friends.
7. Put a VAR in her car, keylogger on your computer, and spyware on her phone.
8. Focus all of your good attention on your children.

Sorry you are here. Keep posting you will get sound advice here. Just make sure you follow it.

Remember that BS that try to bend to the cheater get dragged through the mud. BS that cut the cheater off usually are the ones that get the option to R. You won't always get an R, but your best shot at it is cutting her off entirely. If she does come back around take your time in deciding if you want her or not.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
1,809 Posts
She's gone. Hard 180 for you and your kids.

Your wife is gone. Don't even try to get her back. Very few of them do. Your wife doesn't seem to be a good candidate for it though.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
10 Posts
Discussion Starter · #8 ·
RRRBBBTTT:

For the 180, it feels impossible because of all the years we have been together.
I am working on separating finances.
I have reached out to my support group about an attorney and in a holding pattern so that I can get some idea as to what she wants before we get the dogs involved.
I am not moving out of the house as I have been told this would be considered abandonment. Much the same reason when she feels to stay as well.
Exposing her to the family, friends and workplace is alien to me but my family and friends are learning about this rather quickly. I am an open person when it comes to my life and sharing the pain seem to be natural for me.
STDs? I asked if she used a condom and she said yes. I asked when this all started and she said only after the February explosion. Emails support those statements and we have not had relations since February. However, if she is a liar and can't get over not being open and honest, as I strongly believe she is not capable of, then it would seem that she was doing this before February and I do have to get myself checked out.
I am starting to eating again so that is helpful.
Sex with her is a natural instinct but I will hold onto your advice solidly on that one.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
107 Posts
I cant give any advise , i am not in a situation too - i just got here myself with a similar situation to deal with , all i can do is offer you the best of my wishes and that there are some greats folks here on this forum with great advise , and more than anything else , with a very patient ear. Best of luck!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
10 Posts
Discussion Starter · #10 ·
SHAGGY:

I agree that she does not seem remorseful at all and that the problems I have been working on have been a smoke screen.
Never considered her blowups with me were because of her being dumped but thanks for the perspective.

Exposing her is a difficult thing as one of the OM is someone who still works with a family member, and has a wife and kid. The other person is an unknown. But in either case, i have to consider the effects of doing such a thing with my kids in mind. I feel like i have to tread carefully here so to not lose myself as well as crossing any legal boundaries.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
10 Posts
Discussion Starter · #11 ·
SHAGGY:
Regarding valentines day, we have never really been solid on that holiday because of a previous incident when we were kids. She cheated on me and broke up right before Valentines day then too as well so she should be with the OB (other boy). God, amazing how life tends to repeat itself.

Btw, I didn't want to share that experience because i didn't want to hear "once a cheater, always a cheater". I am getting that enough at the moment.

But she has stated that is only started occurring in April and... and.. you know what. I am making excuses for her and believing what she is saying.

The sad reality is that she chose to put herself first before me and even her own kids. So whether or not it happened before February, is only a concern for me when it comes to STDs.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
9,914 Posts
SHAGGY:

I agree that she does not seem remorseful at all and that the problems I have been working on have been a smoke screen.
Never considered her blowups with me were because of her being dumped but thanks for the perspective.

Exposing her is a difficult thing as one of the OM is someone who still works with a family member, and has a wife and kid. The other person is an unknown. But in either case, i have to consider the effects of doing such a thing with my kids in mind. I feel like i have to tread carefully here so to not lose myself as well as crossing any legal boundaries.
Legally you are telling the truth. So you are covered.

You most certainly need to expose to the OMW. She has an absolute and moral right to know her husband is cheatng on her.

Look, you cannot nice your way through this. And while exposure is very very unpleasant, so is cheating and so is divorce.

Think of cheating as what it is betrayal and lies.

You don't deal with that with more lies, you deal with it with the TRUTH.

Share the truth, especially to the OMW
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
10 Posts
Discussion Starter · #13 ·
OVID:

Thanks for the advice. I will try to hold to that with the exception of putting a VAR in the car, etc. as I think we are beyond that point now. She has been revealed as to who she is now and I have to focus all of my attention on my kids.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,157 Posts
Stunned,

I am so sorry you are here. No one should have to go through this utter betrayal. I read your response to the previous recommendations and, as I have so many times before, smacked my forehead in dismay. Please remove your emotional attachment to this woman and think strategically. You should have contacted a lawyer like yesterday. Waiting to see what your wife is going to do is passive and empowering to her. Your goals right now should be
1) shock and awe your wife so she understands the gravity of the situation
2) Expose to everyone far and wide in attempts to stop the affair and begin to lift the fog that is your wife's fantasy life with the PM
3) Show your wife what life will be like without your emotional adn economic support bu truly doing the 180
4) Prepare yourself for the likely event that you divorce from your wayward spouse by executing a full 180.

Trust me. I know these things are hard to do; but his is the way to get your wife back, (if you actually end up wanting her) or to move on.

Good luck
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,003 Posts
RRRBBBTTT:

For the 180, it feels impossible because of all the years we have been together.
I am working on separating finances.
I have reached out to my support group about an attorney and in a holding pattern so that I can get some idea as to what she wants before we get the dogs involved.
I am not moving out of the house as I have been told this would be considered abandonment. Much the same reason when she feels to stay as well.
Exposing her to the family, friends and workplace is alien to me but my family and friends are learning about this rather quickly. I am an open person when it comes to my life and sharing the pain seem to be natural for me.
STDs? I asked if she used a condom and she said yes. I asked when this all started and she said only after the February explosion. Emails support those statements and we have not had relations since February. However, if she is a liar and can't get over not being open and honest, as I strongly believe she is not capable of, then it would seem that she was doing this before February and I do have to get myself checked out.
I am starting to eating again so that is helpful.
Sex with her is a natural instinct but I will hold onto your advice solidly on that one.
These things are not be suggested to you because we are mean vicious people and want you to kick your wife to the curb and be done with her. We all know that you have children and that changes things. The reason you need to make a drastic change is to show her that you are serious and wont tolerate this from her. You dont have to file for divorce but you can get the paperwork started. You can even go online in your state and find the documents, print them out and start filling them out. Leave them out for her to see.


If you cant do the 180 totally, then do what you can of it. I had a hard time with it myself but I did as much as I could of it and I didnt give anymore to my WH then he would give to me. If he was nice, I would be nice...not overly nice. If he was cold, I was cold. Mirror her actions if you cant do the 180. Do as little as possible to show her that you care or that she matters!!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,003 Posts
I hear you but keep getting sidetracked by my emotions. I am a very emotional person and had a lot invested in her. Perhaps too much and not enough on the kids but thanks for keeping me on track!
Speaking from personal experience, I know how you feel!!

Its in your best interest to not show her your emotions. You will get a better chance of her opening her eyes if you dont beg and cry or show her that you are hurting!!

Im telling you this because its the truth!!! Once you can be strong (even if you have to fake it when she's around) you will see and feel a difference!!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
71 Posts
RRRBBBTTT:


STDs? I asked if she used a condom and she said yes. .
And you believe her? :confused:

Even if so , not all sexual acts are performed with protection ( oral sex and others).

And not all STI are blocked by the condoms , like Herpes or HPV .

And finally condoms are not ( as they like to write on the boxes today ) 100% secure ( in the past the print on the boxes was 94 -97 % success rate at birth control , one must imagine how low the percentage for STI's are and is )

GO TEST YOURSELF
 
1 - 20 of 36 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top