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10 Posts
I don't know where to begin but perhaps I can start with February 12, 2012 where my wife emotionally exploded on me on an unprecedented scale. We had arguments as any normal couple does in the past but this is one ended in HER stating that she did not want to be with me in the relationship anymore, physically, sexually, or emotionally. We have been married 16 years, known each other for 21 years, have two great kids (boy 7, girl 3), and have gone through a rough period the last few years. To say the least, I was completely shocked by the declaration that she wanted no more part of me. Especially when looking back, most of our arguments appeared rather mundane, and it always seemed we addressed our arguments and moved on. This was a complete and utter shock for me and it was the end of my world going away.
I panicked and I asked that we go to counseling right away. She agreed and in the following weeks, we setup with a marriage counselor. Shortly thereafter we each had our own therapists as well where we can work on our own issues. There was a lot of talking and sharing and her pain came down to me demeaning her in the last few years to the point where she felt cornered and needed to explode. I had never intended to treat her wrongly. I had lost my only brother of a heart attack several years ago and tie that in with the stress of work, buying a new house, and having kids, I just never worked on my own issues. We reviewed other areas where I was the culprit and being a troubleshooter both professionally and personally, I took it upon myself to sort out the issues I was causing and address them. I worked on them like no other person worked on their own issues in their entire life! I put my heart and soul into it.
I took a whole new perspective on life and yet my wife was still rather disconnected from me, especially with the intimacy part. Not only could I not approach her about making love, I could not hold her hand and even my presence seemed to annoy her. I thought this was part of the process where I had to give her space and I did that. Not only that, I supported her in everything she tried, coordinated things for us to do as a family, etc.. I tried everything and it all seemed to finally get better on the relationship side of things. We were talking, going out on dates more, laughter starting to come back in our lives, etc.
But I have always had a nagging doubt that things were not what they seemed. This doubt was driven by my own therapist simply stating I should be hiring a detective to find out if she is cheating, friends suggesting cheating may be the issue, and reading some online articles on a cheating wife. When I read the article by the way, I found that she completely matched 7 of the 8 sings it covered. New appearance and focus in looks (she had never focused on herself until recent year or so), working out heavily, yada yada. I could not even begin to believe to consider my own wife would actually cheat.
D-DAY: And yet, last Wednesday, I snooped and found emails she had sent between herself and a friend. The emails described a sexual relationship with another guy she used to work with (OM1) and referred to another relationship with yes another person (OM2). They talked about her sexual escapades and complete and utter disregard for me, our kids, and the family that we worked so hard to nurture all these years. The utter shock and appalling nature of the emails were were such that I trembled and could not breathe for quite a while. Anger, rage, disgust, humiliation, all flowed in like there was no tomorrow. The pain is unbearable.
After speaking with my therapist and our marriage counselor, I confronted her in our weekly session and she seemed in shock that I presented those emails to her. She even said outright in the emails that OM1 stopped seeing her and that all she needed was a lame excuse to go back into his arms. Most of this relationships by the way, took place in April of 2012, after the emotional blowup. The lame excuse email was a more recent email from October.
So through this confrontation and in the days following, she just does not seem remorseful of the family she is about to destroy just for her own personal needs and desires. I don’t even know how to address anything as I am in complete and utter shock at not only the betrayal but also a lack of remorse at someone who would not show emotions at being caught. She didn’t cry or beg forgiveness. She just apologized for hurting me.
How the hell does this happen? I get it that it happens each day to people all over the place but like anything, you never conceive it will be your wife doing the cheating.
Any help or guidance would be appreciated.
I panicked and I asked that we go to counseling right away. She agreed and in the following weeks, we setup with a marriage counselor. Shortly thereafter we each had our own therapists as well where we can work on our own issues. There was a lot of talking and sharing and her pain came down to me demeaning her in the last few years to the point where she felt cornered and needed to explode. I had never intended to treat her wrongly. I had lost my only brother of a heart attack several years ago and tie that in with the stress of work, buying a new house, and having kids, I just never worked on my own issues. We reviewed other areas where I was the culprit and being a troubleshooter both professionally and personally, I took it upon myself to sort out the issues I was causing and address them. I worked on them like no other person worked on their own issues in their entire life! I put my heart and soul into it.
I took a whole new perspective on life and yet my wife was still rather disconnected from me, especially with the intimacy part. Not only could I not approach her about making love, I could not hold her hand and even my presence seemed to annoy her. I thought this was part of the process where I had to give her space and I did that. Not only that, I supported her in everything she tried, coordinated things for us to do as a family, etc.. I tried everything and it all seemed to finally get better on the relationship side of things. We were talking, going out on dates more, laughter starting to come back in our lives, etc.
But I have always had a nagging doubt that things were not what they seemed. This doubt was driven by my own therapist simply stating I should be hiring a detective to find out if she is cheating, friends suggesting cheating may be the issue, and reading some online articles on a cheating wife. When I read the article by the way, I found that she completely matched 7 of the 8 sings it covered. New appearance and focus in looks (she had never focused on herself until recent year or so), working out heavily, yada yada. I could not even begin to believe to consider my own wife would actually cheat.
D-DAY: And yet, last Wednesday, I snooped and found emails she had sent between herself and a friend. The emails described a sexual relationship with another guy she used to work with (OM1) and referred to another relationship with yes another person (OM2). They talked about her sexual escapades and complete and utter disregard for me, our kids, and the family that we worked so hard to nurture all these years. The utter shock and appalling nature of the emails were were such that I trembled and could not breathe for quite a while. Anger, rage, disgust, humiliation, all flowed in like there was no tomorrow. The pain is unbearable.
After speaking with my therapist and our marriage counselor, I confronted her in our weekly session and she seemed in shock that I presented those emails to her. She even said outright in the emails that OM1 stopped seeing her and that all she needed was a lame excuse to go back into his arms. Most of this relationships by the way, took place in April of 2012, after the emotional blowup. The lame excuse email was a more recent email from October.
So through this confrontation and in the days following, she just does not seem remorseful of the family she is about to destroy just for her own personal needs and desires. I don’t even know how to address anything as I am in complete and utter shock at not only the betrayal but also a lack of remorse at someone who would not show emotions at being caught. She didn’t cry or beg forgiveness. She just apologized for hurting me.
How the hell does this happen? I get it that it happens each day to people all over the place but like anything, you never conceive it will be your wife doing the cheating.
Any help or guidance would be appreciated.
