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Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
Hi.
Thanks for taking the time to read my post.
My wishes to gain some public opinion on my situation.
I will try to explain as clearly and easily as I can but as i am hurt and still in shock I might go off track a bit.

My beautiful husband who I have 3 young kids with and who I have put on a pedestal and loved my heart too for 11 years, has been caught by me, emailing, flirting with a work colleague who he has never met for over a year and a half. Yes, we have had issues, and we work on them.. Im not going to hide that.

One night last week, I went thru his phone, he was asleep. I did this as I hadn't seen him much as he went off to work very early and comes home late, and I wanted to see who he was during the day and what his life was like. i had noticed changes in him too, he had brought all new clothes and had a new haircut. He wanted to leave earlier to work, and said he would come home earlier but never did. He still came home late. While I thought nothing of it, just thought he was busy. I worked extra hard with the kids at home.

Anyway first what happened was I found 2 erotic pictures of a real girl in sexy lingerie and underneath those 2 pics was a picture of my dog and he texted to his friend " these *****es are more ****ing trustworthy than ours". (meaning me and his friends girlfriend) ..
This really hurt, and this was texted the night before our 11 year wedding anniversary, and we were happy at this time!!!

in the same unit of text messages his friend asks him if he has seen the holiday pictures of this girl at his work, my husband replies with "yeah mate Im zooming in on her now" .

This filled my curiosity of who and what these pictures were about, and so i jumped into his emails to see if I could could see what this pictures of this girl at work... when I did I discovered over one years worth of daily flirtatious emails between my husband and her as well. They were flirting, he had sent her wine as well.. she had tried to ask him to come and delivere it personally, he said it was "more fun this way" (emailing).

He has never met her, but emails daily, calls and she had sent him pictures of her self.

I confronted him in the morning about the pictures, the erotic pictures and the degrading text message about me, he admitted to it all, said she was nothing, and he was v sorry. He told me he loves me and Im the one he wants etc..

So, there was all this, but also we had separated for 3 months just 1 months ago and during this one month, we had been really doing really well, we were doing an anothiny robbins marriage course. We fell back in love and I gave him my all..


I got up and left in the middle of the night with my child that day I found out and I haven't been home.

My head is spinning as I had no idea.
I feel like i have been played a fool by the man I love the most in the world.

I don't know how to handle this, or what to do.

It ruined my trust and faith in him. \

sad..
 

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I confronted him in the morning, he admitted to it all, said she was nothing, and he was sorry. He l=told me he loves me and Im the one he wants etc..
She was nothing?

You read the messages. Did it sound like nothing?

I'm sorry you are here. I pick on that line because it's one my STBXW used a lot. It was nothing, meant nothing he/she is nothing. They were busted, don't know what to say and want to try and minimize the impact of thier cheating. So, that little gem becomes a goto line for many cheaters.

You say they worked together, but never met. Is she in another location? Does he ever travel there?
 

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You keep saying things were great, and "we" were falling back in love. I hate to tell you this, but those are the feelings on your side. Apparently not on his. To get through this, you need to dig a LOT harder on what happened, and how he was feeling throughout this process. Do NOT let this be swept under the rug, or it will come back to haunt you.

C
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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
Hi there.

She gives him stock to sell in the property market.. They never met physically, he said that it started with him being friendly to get the stock to sell but one thing lead to another and he thought it was innocent -

I dont believe they ever met, but I believe that it only would of taken one work party and alcohol to seal the deal for them.

What do you mean i need to GO dig deeper to find out things.. ?

Thanks
 

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Hi there.

She gives him stock to sell in the property market.. They never met physically, he said that it started with him being friendly to get the stock to sell but one thing lead to another and he thought it was innocent -

I dont believe they ever met, but I believe that it only would of taken one work party and alcohol to seal the deal for them.

What do you mean i need to GO dig deeper to find out things.. ?

Thanks
You have found out your husband is not who you thought he was. And maybe someone who you would not especially like.

You need to look to seek counselling for yourself.
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Your husband has some sexual issues.

Is he Truly Remorseful?

He was getting aroused by the excitement of the emails, texts. If these two did meet in person ALONE...I am 100% positive they would have had sex. Probably very erotic sex as well. ...Which is most likely something you two have not done in a very long time I bet.

Your husband knew what he was doing. Don't listen to him when he tells you it was nothing, and he thought it was innocent. How would he feel if he had caught you doing the same thing with another man?

If you want to make your marriage with him work, NOT DIVORCE, and work through this then you need to do the following:

You need to confirm without a doubt that this was only an emotional affair, AND NOTHING PHYSICAL HAPPENED. Tell him you want ALL THE DETAILS. How long has it been going on? Ask him if he loves you, and wants to work this out.

If he does you need to require him to let you have ALL ACCESS to all his email, phone, computer, laptop etc.

Then he should write her a No Contact letter. That includes anything business related.

Then you need to expose him to EVERYONE that is close to the both of you. Parents, Family, Close friends. You must make him feel shame for trying to ruin your marriage.

Then tell him if this happens again, the marriage is over. He must understand that.

Then he needs to set up an appointment with a Marriage Counselor.

All of this IF he truly wants to work through this (and you do as well).

Anything less, and this will happen again and/or continue, and you two are headed for divorce. Unless you are okay with him treating you this way, and finding comfort with other women?

Otherwise, you have to nip this in the bud ASAP. His actions over the next 30-90 days will be very telling on if your marriage with him will work out or not.
 

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I am so sorry for the pain and heartache, but at the same time this can be the chance for real change. The good news is that it is just an EA at this point. I know that it is hard to believe, but men can do these sorts of things and truly believe that it means nothing. They convince themselves of this because there has been no actual physical contact (I can say this because I am a man).

You have a right to be upset - that is for sure. There needs to be sufficient consequences for your husband so that he realizes that this kind of behavior cannot and will not be tolerated. Have you contacted a counselor yet? I would also recommend that you find the book Love Must Be Tough: New Hope For Marriages in Crisis by Dr. James Dobson. It will give you very specific steps on how to respond.

Again, I am very sorry. I understand firsthand how a revelation like this can devastate your heart. Do not fall into the trap, however, of believing that all the progress you have made in your marriage was a lie. Good truly can come out of this. My prayers are with you.
 

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You husband is minimizing the affair.

For me emotional affairs are the same as physical, they cause the same devastation.

If I were you, I would find out if they ever met in person. I find it hard to believe she was emailing/sexting a whole year and the affair did not progress to a PA. My OH progressed to a PA a couple of months of the start of the EA, but they were co-workers, so opportunity has a lot to do with this.

Also, find out if she has a partner/husband and send those emails as a proof( I hope you saved them).
Once exposed, their little parallel world and emotional bubble will burst. Then when he is out of the affair fog, you can discuss if you are going to reconcile with the help of a good marriage councilor.


And do not compare yourself with her. Men have affairs with women who are different from their wives, which not necessarily means younger, prettier or more intelligent, just someone who at their most vulnerable time strokes their ego.

Hubby Daddy gave you good step-by step advice-follow it if you want to save your marriage.
 

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What do you mean i need to GO dig deeper to find out things.. ?

Thanks
Well, it is time to go into detective mode. You have no clue if they met, but his word right? Your instinct (gut) told you to check the phone and emails. Don't let his "confession" throw you off the discovery. Acoa is going through a rough time at this juncture. If you go read his thread, many others as well, minimizing and an early confession threw the betrayed spouse off and you don't look as hard. Remember, he didn't come out on his on volition, you caught him and then he confessed. Even if he told 100% the truth, you need to confirm it like you are a detective.

Also, please, don't say she lives too far away. We've had people fly to other countries and take unplanned trips to meet people "that meant nothing" to them.
 

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I'm not suggesting that this OW and your husband have had sex - for a fact.

What I am suggesting is that you not take for granted that they haven't - for several reasons.

One - it's unusual for a man to carry on an EA for an extended period of time without it going sexual. Not impossible but improbable.

Two - you don't know with certainty that they didn't have an opportunity to hook up.

Three - why would a man be so invested in a co-worker that he's never met? An on-line web site is one thing, a co-worker is another.

If you can't find out for sure through monitoring, consider asking him to take a polygraph.
 
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