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Discussion Starter · #401 ·
I have felt quite ill since I last posted. I have been given ant-anxiety meds which helped me to sleep and today I fee la little bette rtoday

It is still very quiet around here. I am in 180 mode.

The fact that he lies to me so easily has really shaken me to the core. I am now working on taking all the emotion out of the issue. I need to be mentally stable as I have some very important life changing decisions to make.

With every day that passes I seem to be coming back into the real world. Before I knew the truth or at least some of it I seemed to be in a dream world where nothing looked real. I am slowly getting back to the real world but I needed to take time away from the problem as I could feel myself going under.

He is now giving me everything I asked for - total transparency including polygraph. I think it might be a day late and a dollar short. I am not sure if I even care anymore. I know I can't/won't take another blow like this but the chances of it happening????

I can walk away from him knowing I have done everything I can to make it work, but first I have to stop caring because there is still a little love left in my heart for him.

I am almost at the end of my tether but the survivor in me tells me I need to look at things in a cold logical manner. I am beginning to do this now and I feel more in control of my feelings

I am not sure this makes sense but these are my thoughts at the moment.

Thank you for asking

Bronwen
 

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He already took the polygraph? What questions did you ask him? (you get to choose the questions)

Remember, you can love a sick person but still know that being with them is not healthy for either of you.
 

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Ok, now that you're feeling better, I have a job for you. Pick something you have always wanted to do, and figure out how to get started. Take a photography class at the junior college, sign up for cooking class, whatever. You need to do something positive and progressive, for YOU.
 

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I have felt quite ill since I last posted. I have been given ant-anxiety meds which helped me to sleep and today I fee la little bette rtoday

It is still very quiet around here. I am in 180 mode.

The fact that he lies to me so easily has really shaken me to the core. I am now working on taking all the emotion out of the issue. I need to be mentally stable as I have some very important life changing decisions to make.

With every day that passes I seem to be coming back into the real world. Before I knew the truth or at least some of it I seemed to be in a dream world where nothing looked real. I am slowly getting back to the real world but I needed to take time away from the problem as I could feel myself going under.

He is now giving me everything I asked for - total transparency including polygraph.
I am guessing he offered to do the polygraph. Not that he has actually done it.

I think he is bluffing. Schedule a polygraph. Tell him when it is. My feeling is that sometime before the polygraph (maybe not until you are on the way there) he will come clean about some of his actions.
 

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Discussion Starter · #405 ·
He already took the polygraph? What questions did you ask him? (you get to choose the questions)

Remember, you can love a sick person but still know that being with them is not healthy for either of you.
Polygraph showed he was telling the truth. Questions were

Have you ever had sex with another woman since your marriage
Have you ever touched a woman inappropriately -etc etc.

He was telling the truth but I can't get to grips with the fact that he lied to my face and told me I was mad. This is not a healthy place for me now. A marriage will not survive without trust and there is no trust left in mine. He sold it so cheaply
 

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Discussion Starter · #406 ·
Ok, now that you're feeling better, I have a job for you. Pick something you have always wanted to do, and figure out how to get started. Take a photography class at the junior college, sign up for cooking class, whatever. You need to do something positive and progressive, for YOU.
Just bought a new camera. Taking a course beginning next week.

Thank you for this
 

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Discussion Starter · #407 ·
Meanwhile, bear this in mind:

When a Disloyal Spouse really has gone NO Contact with their AP and it being honest, they...

  • would not meet with the AP in the same room at all
  • would not attend a work event 300 miles away with the AP
  • would not be alone with the AP in the car parking lot
  • would not give any kind of physical endearment
  • would not give even a goodbye peck
  • would not stay in the same hotel as the AP
  • would not keep all of this hidden from you
  • would not deny it if they were asked
  • would not try to claim you are nuts for being suspicious

I could go on and on. Even if you pretend/assume that all that he says is true, it's not only inappropriate, based upon the past history of having had a full blown affair with that woman, it is infidelity all over again. Here's why: fidelity is giving 100% of your AFFECTION and LOYALTY to your spouse and ONLY your spouse.

A Disloyal spouse who was honestly ending their affair would:

  • possibly quit that job for the good of the marriage (yes, I realize that is very hard in this economy but the marriage CAN and WILL survive low finance--it will not survive continued adultery!)
  • upon hearing the AP would attend the same conference, go to the boss and say "I can not go to that one"
  • upon hearing the AP would attend the same conference, go to their spouse and say "I can not go"
  • upon entering a room where they did not realize the AP would be in attendance, would turn RIGHT AROUND and leave that room!
  • upon entering a room where they did not realize the AP would be in attendance, would immediately call their spouse and say "I just walked into the restaurant and AP was there--what should we do?"
  • if the AP came up to them and tried to talk to them, would RUN AWAY!!
  • if the AP tried to be alone with them anywhere, would RUN, leave that hotel, and immediately get the heck home!
  • if the AP tried to hug or kiss or touch, would RUN AWAY and then tell their spouse and the AP's spouse
  • upon hearing that the AP was also staying in that hotel (if it was a surprise and they hadn't previously known it) would immediately end their stay, call their spouse, see if they could get a room at another nearby hotel maybe
  • would be in regular communication with their spouse during the trip, tell them THE TRUTH about where they were, what they were doing, and who they were doing it with.
  • if the spouse *did* catch them, would admit what they did and tell every little detail
  • if the spouse *did* catch them, would take responsibility for what they did!

bronwen (and folks reading along) even if he did tell the truth and is telling the truth, can you see the difference between how a truly repentant Disloyal Spouse acts, and how he continued in his hiding, secrets, deceit and unfaithfulness? Sure he told the truth--he traveled 300 miles to meet his Affair Partner at a work event they should not be alone at, spent time with her while not telling bronwen and deliberately lying to her, had dinner and private conversation with his Affair Partner, and kissed her "goodbye" alone in the parking lot. Even if that is absolutely 100% true--I can see why bronwen's choice is to divorce him for unfaithfulness.
All of the above hits home.

I doubt very much that he can do any of it.
At the moment he is jumping through hoops, but he's done this before and it is always short lived.

I don't think he has the strength of character to maintain this stance. He is nothing like the person I married. I see small glimpses of that person and it makes me feel so sad.

He has wiped out 30 years of knowing each other and 25 years of marriage for sweet BA and I still don't think he really gets it.

Bronwen
 

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Discussion Starter · #412 ·
Because he like most waywards, they feel little pain until they lose everything.
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He seems to have no idea about how destructive this has been. He lives in denial. He hates to face his wrongdoings. Until a year or so ago I trusted him with my life.

The trouble is that I know that if I go I will never come back.

He used to be such a sweet gentle man.

Thank you for your thoughts

Bronwen
 

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He seems to have no idea about how destructive this has been. He lives in denial. He hates to face his wrongdoings. Until a year or so ago I trusted him with my life.

The trouble is that I know that if I go I will never come back.

He used to be such a sweet gentle man.

Thank you for your thoughts

Bronwen
......he is the same man you have always been married to.......both good and bad........difference is that now you know a LOT more about the bad. Without looking back, I thought you had mentioned that he had a rough upbringing..,.,potentially he has some deep seated self esteem issues....similar to PTSD......folks react all over the map with this type of issue, but it is likely that he has always been good at covering up whenever he has the potential to be caught doing something that another feels is wrong.,.,,to an extreme many times,. If this is the case, see if he will try some counseling to figure this out,,,,,,,just becoming self aware of the issue can be a big step forward.......I know.....I spent 56 years of my life without knowing why I was so deceitful about things that did not even matter. Your life with him is a base to build on.......good luck and prayers to you both
 

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Discussion Starter · #414 ·
......he is the same man you have always been married to.......both good and bad........difference is that now you know a LOT more about the bad. Without looking back, I thought you had mentioned that he had a rough upbringing..,.,potentially he has some deep seated self esteem issues....similar to PTSD......folks react all over the map with this type of issue, but it is likely that he has always been good at covering up whenever he has the potential to be caught doing something that another feels is wrong.,.,,to an extreme many times,. If this is the case, see if he will try some counseling to figure this out,,,,,,,just becoming self aware of the issue can be a big step forward.......I know.....I spent 56 years of my life without knowing why I was so deceitful about things that did not even matter. Your life with him is a base to build on.......good luck and prayers to you both
I found what you said very interesting. He has become a people pleaser due mostly to his change of work place about 3 years ago. He suddenly found himself in a totally different arena - something he has never experienced in his life before. It changed him completely. I think it went to his head and he is now quite different - that is to say until I confronted him.

Since our confrontation he has lost his "bounce".

He certainly has self esteem issues. After all that has happened he still has this need to be liked.

Thank you so much for posting something that made me think.

Bronwen
 

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He certainly has self esteem issues. After all that has happened he still has this need to be liked.
You have to ask yourself if you are able to meet his needs of affirmation. B/c if you can't, he will always, always, ALWAYS look for that outside of your relationship. And are you willing to be in that type of relationship?

My STBXH is broken in that fashion. My attention wasn't enough. He always had to validated from other sources and people, particularly females. I just could never satisfy that deep "need" he had to be liked and doted upon no matter what I did.

My divorce will be final in Oct.
 

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You have to ask yourself if you are able to meet his needs of affirmation. B/c if you can't, he will always, always, ALWAYS look for that outside of your relationship. And are you willing to be in that type of relationship?

My STBXH is broken in that fashion. My attention wasn't enough. He always had to validated from other sources and people, particularly females. I just could never satisfy that deep "need" he had to be liked and doted upon no matter what I did.

My divorce will be final in Oct.
...self esteem can cause a person to not have a healthy internalized feeling of "being worthy".......meaning that they feel they have to do things for others to be liked., Maybe that is the trap he feel into with this OW......but it does not sound like bronwen's husband has an overwhelming need for affirmation from others since this apparently not been an issue throughout their marriage. I would suggest strongly that he be forced to dig deep inside himself to figure this stuff out if he wants the relationship.........and as hard as it sounds.....bronwen.....you will have to try a calming approach to create an environment where he feels it is "safe" to come completely clean. Folks with low self esteem are a bit backwards when it comes to getting them to speak about things that they are really uncomfortable about. I know you don't really feel he deserves much of a break at this point......but it does appear that he stayed within some very important boundaries, even tho he went way over on others.
 
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