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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
This is heartbreaking even to be on here. Now about a week and a half ago I straight out asked him if he had ever cheated on me and he told me "NO" and asked why I would ask. It was just a feeling I had that day. Then the other night my husband and I had a great night. We stayed up all night talking and other things but anyways it was all around a great night. It got real quiet and he put his head in his hands and said "I have to tell you something" I froze. I said "what?" About 5 years ago we lived in IL and I had a miscarriage and it took me a while to recover emotionally from it. At that time we were living together and not married and we fought all the time. He said that I left for about 10 days (I don't remember that part of it) and he didn't think that I was ever coming back. Now we had split a couple times before that so I don't know what he was thinking. But I guess a friend of his had brought a couple girls over and they were all drinking and partying and one of the girls gave him a blow job. When he was telling me this I about died. Only b/c for the last 2 years he would create this crazy world where I was cheating on him and we would get in complete screaming matches over it and all along he was the one that was dishonest. We have 3 kids and we have been married for almost 4 years now. (together for 7 1/2 years) I have moments in the day where I am just dumbfounded thinking about it. I want to move past it but I am having troubles not hating him. He keeps saying that it was a long time ago and I tell him that for me it feels like it just happened. Also he keeps saying that he thought I was never coming back. Well I pointed out to him that it only took him a couple days to be with that girl so he must not have loved me like I thought. What do I do?
 

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It was before you were married........for whatever that is worth! It was a long time ago I guess you guys need to figure out if ya'll were broken up or not etc etc.

Your story is the exact reason why it would have been better if your husband would have kept his mouth shut. You are a wreck, hating life, stressed out, all because of one night of stupid judgement 5 years ago,

I'm sorry and best of luck in your reconciliation!!
 

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^ I'm not even gonna list all the things wrong with ohgeesh's post, but I will say married or not means nothing, they were together at the time.

DON'T MOVE PAST THIS.

Whether it was five days ago or five years ago means nothing, you need to get him to understand that.



You see to be trying to reconcile so I'd advise you two to get into marriage counseling asap, you let him think its not that big a deal, and sweep it under the rug you are in for some huge resentment problems, which will most likely go off like a time bomb an destroy the marriage eventually.

Before you could ever forgive him though, you'd need to know what you're forgiving. You need the truth, all of it.

Sorry, but I sincerely doubt that his affair only consisted of a blowjob. With him feeling spurned and lonely there was most likely full on sex.

Hes minimizing it.
 

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Time has nothing to do with it. As Kasler said it doesn't matter if it was five days ago or five years ago.

I will say this-- the fact that he confessed to you, free will, without coercion or being threatened by someone else is very good for one reason:

It means he does actually have a soul. Which means your marriage does actually have a prayer.

But the fact is he did this and hid it from you for five years. That's pretty big. If you know me you know what my suggestion is: leave him. But that's just my view, based on my experience.
 

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Time has nothing to do with it. As Kasler said it doesn't matter if it was five days ago or five years ago.

I will say this-- the fact that he confessed to you, free will, without coercion or being threatened by someone else is very good for one reason:

It means he does actually have a soul. Which means your marriage does actually have a prayer.

But the fact is he did this and hid it from you for five years. That's pretty big. If you know me you know what my suggestion is: leave him. But that's just my view, based on my experience.
Good post Whitemousse!

Here's my thoughts based on what you're telling us...

First, by waiting 5 years to tell you he's decided to do so in a moment of weakness. In other words, he had no real intentions of telling you. Or, at best, he waited for a really good time well enough after the fact for any trails to go cold. That's as bad as the betrayal itself.

Second, I have my doubts he is giving you the truth. Nearly all betrayers float a trial balloon to gauge the damage and then if it floats they trickle out the rest. It also seems he made up the 10 days thing so as to further lessen the damage.

Were it me, I'd ask him to leave. Tell him you know it was worse than his little confession and his waiting 5 years is too convenient. Tell him you want a few months apart to think on all this and until he offers a full confession that is more believable to forget about the marriage. I suspect he will come up with a bit more, but he will also then try and paint you as the bad person. If he does, end of marriage.
 

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Reconciliation is possible. Since he confessed then there may be some light for your marriage. When a person confesses it usually means in this case that they want to become open and more transparent and intimate because they have done something wrong and the first step for correcting a wrong is admitting and confessing the mistake to the person you wronged without justification, minimization.
Isn't that the longest sentence ever?


Definitely not an easy thing to confess. You are going through an emotional roller coaster and are experiencing it as if he had done this yesterday.

Give yourself some time (a week or two or however long you need, don't cling, don't have sex if you don't want to, etc) to cool off from this "relapse" in your relationship with your husband. It really does help your mind recover to its near original "frequency".

Remember that forgiving is not a ONE step, one day process. Just like remorse, repent and reparation, it requires constant, everyday renewal of forgiving your husband and working on really overcoming your pain for the sake of your love for him and your family.
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
Thank you everyone. As of right now we have been in seperate bedrooms and talk only a little. He started off on one of his little tangins but I shut that down real fast. I have so many mixed feelings right now still.
 

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Why do so many people have kids first, and then get married as an afterthought? And then act as if marriage is such a hallowed institution when they discover their spouse has been screwing around?

Please. Get your tubes tied and figure out your life before you continue creating all this drama.
 
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