T
Has she lost respect for me because of the way I handled the affair?

Definitely. She faced no serious consequences and ironically made you the one pleading to keep her. When she proposed divorce that should've been a crystal clear indication that she had no remorse whatsoever for what she'd done.

Do I need to bring up the idea out of the blue that I'm going to tell the OM's wife?

You're morally obligated to do this, and you don't need to tell your wife about it. She'll inform the OM first.

Long term I want our marriage to work out because we had a great thing going and can do so again

Really? a person who cheats not only on her husband but with a married man? that's the lowest of the low my friend. I think you have a crippling fear of being alone hence your reluctance to do anything that might drive her away. You need to do a paternity test ASAP.
.

 

Yep, expose the wife to her family and your family and friends. Tell the other man wife. Don't tell her you are going to inform his wife. Do it first and tell her afterwards.

It is likely that they took the affair underground, that is why she cannot work on the marriage. You said you had a great thing going. I beg to differ. She was giving you morsels of love and you were happy with whatever you can get. She was giving the OM sex while denying you. That should be the greatest slap on your face. She doesn't not respect you. The way you were begging and pleading won't make her respect you. And without her respecting you, there is no chance for the marriage.

Stop the begging and pleading first. Stop acting like doormat.

Be prepared to divorce her. That is the only way you can reclaim your dignity and marriage(if there is a chance)

 

I will be the first to suggest that you have a dna test for the baby. I know that is a very tough thing to do, but how do you know it is yours?

She has no respect for you and really is being quite cruel to you. Why do you think that is?

Has the affair really ended? How do you know?

 

Wow missed that part. OP have the baby DNA tested

 

That really jumps out with this. She was in the affair prior to becoming pregnant. She may know who the father is and it may not be her hubby's.
In this situation I am not even sure what he would hope for. And yes I know the baby is the innocent one. But I think he should know the truth. Just my opinion.

 

Yeah, she lost her attraction because of your response. Shes lost her respect for you. Tomorrow, tell he you have been thinking, and that she is right. Tell her that you need some time away from her and would she mind moving back with her folks or a friend. Be nonchallant about. Kind of matter of fact.

Understand, if she does not respect you. She cannot love you. Respect is critical for love. Don't make a long discussion of it. Don't try to fix anything. She is evaluating her options. You are simply going to take one away from her.......YOU. Do the 180. Focus on you and your newborn. Please understand, that I am pro marriage. Been married 32 years.

I can guarantee she will do a double take. And going through her mind will be " I think I pushed him to far. Could he really want a divorce? All I wanted to do was deflect guilt over cheating on him. Hes just been so needy lately."

Keep up the 180. Disengage, focus on yourself. Do not contact her other then to deal with finances or the baby. No anger, you just have more important things to do then chase someone "who is not that attracted to you".

This is no guarantee. It is a way to clear away her "fog". She needs to experience single motherhood for a while. No fights, no arguments, no I love yous, also separate finances. She needs to start thinking of how she will support her and her daughter. 50/50 custody. Pick up the baby, but don't even ask how she has been. If she asks, tell her "everything is fine" Then change the subject to the baby.

In relationships there is space between couples. The idea is to make that space as narrow as possible. She has pulled away, and so naturally you want to fill that vacuum, to maintain that narrow space. Now is the time for you to pull away, as hard as it is. Hopefully, she will want to fill that space.

Lastly, I don't know why you want to stay with her? She was in a relationship, while she carried your child. I would divorce and never look back. Also tell the other mans wife. Stir the pot. If she asks why, tell her you thought about it, and his wife deserved to know. And you definitely need to out her to all friends and family. That's my advice.

 

Unfortunately you have done everything wrong.
1. Immediately expose this to the OM's wife. This is non negotiable.
2. The both of you get tested for STD's.
3. A paternity test is a must. All cheaters lie.
4. Even if it is your child the fact that she was screwing this OM while being pregnant with your child really should be a deal breaker for you.
5. No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change.
6. That she would engage in a sexual affair while being pregnant with hopefully your child shows she has no respect for you or your marriage whatsoever. If you do not respect yourself then who will?
7. The fact that she was so willing to do this while pregnant indicates to me that she knew if she got caught that there would be no consequences to her actions and you would simple forgive her. Would she have done the same for you?
8. See an attorney to understand your options.

 

I hate men begging and pleading to a cheater wife for staying, It will take away all the little respect left for the man. She will only love you only if she respect you. She don't respect you now, she don't love you now so she choose OM for sex and emotional needs. Why you want to be with a person who don't love or respect you ? Are you that much degraded or horrible person or less a man so that its difficult to find another women who will love and respect you?

Do the paternity test, she is lying to you about the time line of her PA, she is manipulating you by asking you for split, give her what she needs, Issue her with D papers.

Exposure is a must, don't you think that OMW deserve the truth. She is also a human being like you, who is manipulated and played by her husband and your WW. OMW and you are the traveling in the same boat as both are heated by the respective spouses.

Expose the affair to WW family and work place, expose her to her friends. you are not the secret keeper of their dirty doings.

So no more begging and pleading, let she go, your wife whom you loved and married exist no more, the person now with you is a cheater who don't respect or love you, Let she go..

Do a hard 180, not to get her back but for your strength and betterment from this emotional roller coaster.

 

For gosh sakes do not tell your wife that you are going to expose to the OM's wife. She will contact him and he will prepare his wife that some crazy guy is going to call her. Say nothing to your wife at all and expose this affair to the OM's wife. Again reading this it shows you have been fearful and that there there has been no consequences to her actions. My friend why would she respect a husband who seems so accepting of a wife screwing around on him for months while being pregnant? What is wrong with this picture?

 

Basically you have already lost---Your wife has little or no respect for you, cuz you have no respect for yourself

She lets another man have her, she puts you in 2nd place---she does all of this knowing she just had your child, (you hope), and are starting a family---and what do you do---YOU GROVEL

Sure she is still there why wouldn't she stay---she knows she can cheat, and you will do nothing---you talk about you manning up---what you are telling us is nothing more than a half hearted attempt, at who knows what----she doesn't want to lose you as part of her bankroll---so she will stick around---but based on how this is being handled---she will cheat again---and you probably will never even know it---now she has had some experience, with cheating---so don't be surprised if in the future she goes deep underground

Tell her lover's wife---she deserves to know what a piece of garbage she is married to---she deserves to know, so she can make an INFORMED DECISION ABOUT HOW TO DEAL WITH THE REST OF HER LIFE.

 

first and utmost important : U need to stop behaving like a doormat and MAN UP.
Being beta will not help u in personal life and professional life either.

 

Read the newbie thread it gives you guidance on exposure plus other pertinent advice.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html
Posted via Mobile Device

 

Go to this link and follow it religiously. Do not show ,anger,meaness,pouting etc. Contct the oM's wife immediately without warning. The odds are the affair has just gone underground. Good job with the emails. When she accuses you of ruining OM's marriage tell her she did that all by herself. Be cool and reserved. NEVER let her see you cry again, be a new man.

If and when she wants to reconcile, come here for alist of what she must do.

She wants to separate because she doesn't think the OM's wife knows and she can continue the affair undetected.

Good luck, heres the link:

The Healing Heart: The 180

 

You should also quietly separate finances, cancel all joint accts and credit cards. See an attorney and make sure she knows you are doing it. You need to shake up her world and let her see what the real world will be like..

 

Expose it.

Get tested for STD's.

Ask your wife to get tested and have the results sent to you.

Tell her family.

I would contact her employer and tell him/her about it.

 

I would contact her employer and tell him/her about it.

I understand and agree with the idea of exposure (first and foremost to the Other Man's wife) to yank the princess sparkle pony element out of the affair, but I'd exercise caution on this part. What if the situation ends in divorce? Many do. Having an unemployed wife may well effect the financial split, alimony, and possibly child support. May be a case of short-term gain and long-term grief.

 

Others have said it.

Bad case yours.

Why should you hold on to her? Many BS have felt that they should not loose. At the end they come to realize that their WS do not respect them, love them.

If she has respect for you, you would not have been here.

Take the route of courage.

 

As opposed to lesser grief living with a cheating wife?

 

If that's in response to me, I think you misunderstood just about everything I said.

 

1) Tell OMW as others have said and do not tip your wife off that you are doing so. This allows them to damage control first. Telling OMW attacks the affair from both sides. If your W or the OM say the OMW already knows, they are lying.

2) i hate to say this, but there is a really good chance the baby is not yours. The timing is way too perfect. Get the test done. Don't be afraid. You should be afraid of NOT getting the test done. Your wife doesn't care about your feelings, so why do you care so much about hers? Tell her if she refuses the test, you will file for D.

3) This affair is very likely not over. You need to go spy tech on her.

 

About 3 weeks ago, I got upset with her about why I always had to convince her to have sex, while she was out getting it from someone else. She told me she wasn't as attracted to me as she used to be. This hit me pretty hard and then I found myself working to improve my appearance and being more helpful around the house (and I was already very helpful) in a needy attempt to be more attractive.

Since then I feel the power balance has shifted. Because of the counseling, she's started to ask if we're really meant to be together anymore, suggesting we might not be sexually compatible. I made the classic mistake (based on what I've read on this site) of suddenly appearing that I was afraid of losing our relationship. I told her I wanted to forgive her and move on like it didn't happen. She said she wasn't sure. Her "I love you"s became less frequent and I called her out on it and she got upset.

Last week she said she think we might need to split because she doesn't think she can meet my needs emotionally. That she's grown cold inside. I turned into a big wimp, started crying, telling her I didn't want to lose my best friend and soulmate. That I can't picture life without her. I had to leave for work so I told her we'd speak no more of it then and separating hasn't come up again since.

The last week or so has been "comfortable", but I still feel like her walls are up. She never says I love you unless I say it first. She initiates very little physical contact. She has started saying things like she wants passion in her life and time to find herself.

I just found this site yesterday and I read a lot of the advice about how to "Man up" and I found I'm guilty of so many of the things that make men become unattractive to their wives. Since reading the "Man Up" section yesterday, I haven't told her "I love you" as I'm trying to see if she'll say it first. I haven't touched her sexually and have keep my contact very casual and rare. Just enough so she won't think I'm mad or moody.
I'm trying to prove to her (and myself) that I don't NEED her.

So how do I proceed from here?.

Your actions post D-day have sexually devalued you in her eyes. By not respecting yourself, she has lost what little respect she has in you. She does not appreciate you because nobody can appreciate that which cannot be lost.

I highlighted your comments above for a reason. They demonstrate that she has emotionally detached from you and is considering leaving you. I hate saying this but in cases like yours, the best thing a man can do is to file for divorce and move on.

 

Agree with all others here

Seperate finances
Get tested (STDs)
Dna for baby
Tell other man's wife (wouldn't you want to know?)
Out her to familly

Get moving!

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

Where this husband had gone? troll

 

Not only is everyone right but I would go thermonuclear on her!

The level of disrespect she has shown you before, during and after her pregnancy is astounding.

My man, this is not a woman you really want to be with for the rest of your life.

And I think Mori is right. She is planning on leaving you.

Secure your personal finances.
Let the OM's wife know without any warning. Bring evidence to show your info is concrete.
Go see an attorney to know your rights.
Let both of your families know what she has done.
Get a DNA test done.

No rug sweeping. Get your balls back now and act. You have already wasted 2 months and from what you have told us it sounds like their A is still going on.

Do not settle for 2nd best.

 

2 months ago I found out my wife was having a PA with a married man at her work. I had little "hard evidence" other than phone records, but when I confronted her about it she admitted to it rather quickly. The hardest part of all this is at the time I found out, she had just given birth 2 months prior to our first child. The affair began after she got pregnant. The EA started before however.

Look at that math here! I definitely agree with Entropy3000, you must have the child DNA tested because there is a strong possibility that OM is the father. Affair sex is almost always unprotected sex. I have a thread about it. The lack of protection adds to the sexual thrill of the affair. I know its crazy, but this happens all the time.

After a difficult weekend of us experiencing all the emotions you can imagine, she called the OM and told him it was over. I was on the call as well and told him if he cut off all contact with my wife, I wouldn't tell his wife.

The good thing was that you were there for the NC phone call. The bad thing is that you said you wouldn't expose the affair to the Other Man's Wife (OMW). In effect, you gave him a pass for banging your wife? Oh hell no.

My belief was telling the OM's wife would run the risk of pushing him and my W closer together. I also figured the less drama and "spreading the gossip" that occurred the better chance we'd have to repair our marriage.

No. What you need to realize about affairs is that you have already emotionally lost your wife. It's up to her to come back, and she won't come back as long as she's in the affair. Exposure is the single greatest tool in killing an affair. What happens the vast majority of the time when you expose the affair to the OMW, is that the OM will throw your WW under the bus in an effort to save his marriage. OM just wants to bang your wife, he doesn't really want to be with her. He will be too busy trying to save his own marriage, especially if he has kids.

I know TOM's W and I actually wanted to spare her the pain I was going through since I figured she was probably happy with her life as I was mine.

You may think you're being gallant, but in actually, it's really selfish. You did not damage her marriage, her husband and your wife did. She has the RIGHT to know what kind of man she's married to and she has the RIGHT to determine the course of her marriage. In other words, it's the RIGHT thing to do morally. If the situation was reversed, I'm sure you would like to know. How would you feel if you found out that the OMW knew all this time and didn't tell you?

During this time, I never seriously considered us getting divorced, I just wanted to figure out why this happened and how to forgive and move on for the sake of our new family. We had sex several times during this period. We actually continued to live life almost as if nothing had happened, only we were both sad/depressed about what had been "lost".

In other words, you did this:

It doesn't work this way. For one thing, she never suffered any consequences for her behavior. A lack of consquences equals no incentive to change. She either takes the affair further underground or she eventually have a new lover.

The other thing is that when you rug sweep, resentment builds within you. Here you are, suffering from the agony of betrayal, and she goes on as if nothing happend. She got to cheat, and you suffered the pain. Yes, the resentment will build up and build up until one day it comes out.

About 3 weeks ago, I got upset with her about why I always had to convince her to have sex, while she was out getting it from someone else. She told me she wasn't as attracted to me as she used to be. This hit me pretty hard and then I found myself working to improve my appearance and being more helpful around the house (and I was already very helpful) in a needy attempt to be more attractive.

Because she's still in the affair obviously. OM works with her, therefore she CANNOT GO NC. As long as they can even see each other, the affair is still on. One of them MUST quit their job, there is no other way around this. Ask the others here who's wives had workplace affairs. TheGoodFight is a good example.

Since then I feel the power balance has shifted.

It's not about power or controlling. Marriage is walking down the road of life together as equal partners.

Because of the counseling, she's started to ask if we're really meant to be together anymore, suggesting we might not be sexually compatible. I made the classic mistake (based on what I've read on this site) of suddenly appearing that I was afraid of losing our relationship. I told her I wanted to forgive her and move on like it didn't happen. She said she wasn't sure. Her "I love you"s became less frequent and I called her out on it and she got upset.

Yes, you did make the classic BS mistake by being needy and desperate to R. You cannot rug sweep this.

Last week she said she think we might need to split because she doesn't think she can meet my needs emotionally. That she's grown cold inside. I turned into a big wimp, started crying, telling her I didn't want to lose my best friend and soulmate. That I can't picture life without her. I had to leave for work so I told her we'd speak no more of it then and separating hasn't come up again since.

Then you tell her that you will pack her bags and drop her off at OM's house. I'm sure the OMW will love that. DO NOT cry in front of her and beg her again.

The last week or so has been "comfortable", but I still feel like her walls are up. She never says I love you unless I say it first. She initiates very little physical contact. She has started saying things like she wants passion in her life and time to find herself.

Because the affair is still on. She wants to find herself? That's a classic cheater line. Let her go.

I just found this site yesterday and I read a lot of the advice about how to "Man up" and I found I'm guilty of so many of the things that make men become unattractive to their wives. Since reading the "Man Up" section yesterday, I haven't told her "I love you" as I'm trying to see if she'll say it first. I haven't touched her sexually and have keep my contact very casual and rare. Just enough so she won't think I'm mad or moody.
I'm trying to prove to her (and myself) that I don't NEED her.

Do the 180. Follow the newbie link for the guidelines to the 180. The 180 is NOT a tool to manipulate her into coming back. It's a self empowerment tool that helps you detach from her so that you will have the strength to move on, with, or without her.

So how do I proceed from here? She knows I can be a moody person so she may perceive my lack of contact/sexual advances as me being mad when I want her to see it as me re-asserting my own confidence in myself and other interests than her.

First off, stop the sex. You need to get tested for STDs, and tell her that you are getting tested. Now you must expose this affair to their HR department, one of them must leave the job, otherwise, NC can never take effect.

Has she lost respect for me because of the way I handled the affair?

Yes. You reacted the way many BSs do, you became needy and desparate. You begged, cried, and pleaded, and rugswept. This makes you look very beta in her eyes and unnattractive. At this point, the OM is very alpha and takes what he wants and suffers no consequences. He looks very attractive.

Do I need to bring up the idea out of the blue that I'm going to tell the OM's wife?

The first rule of exposure is NEVER WARN ANYONE THAT YOU WILL EXPOSE THE AFFAIR. Remember that. What happens is that your WW will warn the OM to protect him. Then OM will spin his own story to his BW. He will say that you are crazy with jealousy over nothing and out to destroy their marriage and not to listen to anything you have to say.

I glanced at her work email the other day and discovered their is some contact there that's not completely restricted to work talk? That alone is grounds for me to tell TOM's wife based on our prior agreement.

So you know that she has broken NC. So now is the time for consequences. If you can, tell her to GTFO. Legally you can't, but most people don't know that. Most people take it for granted that they have to leave the house if their spouse tells them to. She wants to find herself? Drop her off at OMs house. Star separating your finances. Lawyer up and have her served. She's deep in the fog, and getting served divorce papers is a good tool in kicking them out of the fog. The divorce process takes so long, that you can cancel or delay them at any time. You can use this period as the grace period to see if R is even possible.

But your first priority is killing this affair! Expose the affair to the OMW. Lawyer up! Do the 180!

 

Mori and Lord Mayhem are on the dot.

Thanks Mori and LM. You guys make us see!

 

What everybody above said, plus read Athol Kay's 'Married Man Sex Life Primer'. (looked for previous references in this thread and didn't see any).

This will lay it out pretty bluntly how and why everything you're doing is absolutely wrong and, if she's not too far gone, a plan to get her back.

Seriously, if it wasn't for that book, my wife's affair may still have been over, but I would have been on the slow crawl to separation/divorce.

 

lordmayhem you sir are a genius when it comes to affairs. I only wished I had taken your advice when I first found out. I think it's natural for most BS to make these kinds of mistakes. Their so afraid to lose what they have, and they beg and plead in an attempt to save it. Unfortunately, it does the opposite and makes things so much worse.

 

A woman who is pregnant will generally have sex with the father of her child. OP, who was she having sex with while pregnant? Not you right?

She is not going to recommit to the marriage because she has committed the ultimate betrayal. But you already know that don't you?

 

We had sex while she was pregnant.