[inlovebuthurt]

My wife and I have been married for 4 months and a few days ago I accidentally found/saw nude photos in an e-mail of her that she had sent to an ex when they first started dating as well as nude photos of him that he had sent her. I know she has a past just like I do. Hell, we have both been married before but out of sight, out of mind I guess.
I lover her more than anything and am well aware that she is with me and he is in the past. I almost didnt say anything to her because I am sure it was inadvertant. I just felt like I had to say something to her and be honest about how it made me feel that she still had things like that.
Now I know they were from before we were together but I still feel hurt, shocked, insecure, and inadequate. For example, his penis is larger than mine, she has told me she prefers me to be clean shaven and thats what the heading of one of his e-mails said. It said "I AM SMOOTH", and sure enough it was a smooth d**k pic of himself.
Finding these is hurtful. Especially since they were done shortly after they met as well. It was all laid out there with their introduction e-mail (they met on a dating site), their flirting back and forth, and then within a few days, there are these nude pictures. Also plans were discussed about him meeting her in a bar and then staying with him in his hotel afterward.
She and I met through the same site but it was weeks and weeks before we met, let alone talking the way they were and sending nude pictures. How should I feel? I know it was in the past but it slapped me in the face in the present. I am having a hard time getting images of them together out of my head or with the d**k I now have seen doing things. Also dealing with a few feelings now of how she was soo "fast" with him yet we did things slow. I am very happy about the slow though. It was the right way to do it I think. Are my feelings normal? Has anything similar happened to anyone else out there?

 

[missymrs80]

Maybe she saw the other guy as someone to have fun with for the time being and then saw you as marriage material. If she sent you the nude pics right away, maybe you would have thought of her differently and the two of you wouldn't be married.

She didn't marry the other guy; she married you!

 

[Broken at 20]

Maybe she saw the other guy as someone to have fun with for the time being and then saw you as marriage material. If she sent you the nude pics right away, maybe you would have thought of her differently and the two of you wouldn't be married.

She didn't marry the other guy; she married you!

You'll understand that doesn't make us feel better right?

Because that is like saying "I wanted to have sex with this guy because he was fun and hot, and I want to marry you because you are secure and safe."

Plus, why was the other guy deserving to have nude pics sent to him right away, while her husband wasn't? Why is he not worthy enough to receive that privilege but some other loser in the past is?

If you ask me, I would feel like she is 'settling' for me. Like I am her safety. Her back up plan. Her 2nd place. And I don't feel special. No one likes second place. And this guy shouldn't either.

 

[east2west]

Being totally honest. I think you are in danger of falling into one of the nice guy traps you read about so much on this board. The good news is that you just got married so you are dealing with a clean slate, not a totally broken situation.

I would not discuss your feelings with your wife. If you feel the need to share them do it here. Read MMSL. Run Athol's MAP. If nothing else to boost your self confidence and give yourself the right framework for building and maintaining the attraction in your marriage.

Good luck.

 

[EleGirl]

So what some are saying here is that once a woman does something really stupid, like exchange nude photos and goes to a hotel room quickly after meeting someone stranger on a website she has to do the same stupid thing forever with every guy?

Are you saying that a woman cannot learn from a mistake.. she cannot then realize that what she did was stupid and dangerous?

The way I'd look at this is that your wife did something very stupid and learned from her mistake. That's why she took time to get to know you.

Would you rather that your relationship with her be short lived as it was with that guy? Or would you rather that she took the time to form a special relationship with you so that you are now married?

She's not very brite for keeping those photos and email exchanges either.

 

[WorkingOnMe]

So what some are saying here is that once a woman does something really stupid, like exchange nude photos and goes to a hotel room quickly after meeting someone stranger on a website she has to do the same stupid thing forever with every guy?

Are you saying that a woman cannot learn from a mistake.. she cannot then realize that what she did was stupid and dangerous?

The way I'd look at this is that your wife did something very stupid and learned from her mistake. That's why she took time to get to know you.

Would you rather that your relationship with her be short lived as it was with that guy? Or would you rather that she took the time to form a special relationship with you so that you are now married?

She's not very brite for keeping those photos and email exchanges either.

That might make sense if the pics were destroyed. But she kept them. She did not see this as a mistake. She just doesn't feel as sexual with her husband. He's the one she settled for. The other guy is the one who got away.

 

[daisygirl 41]

That might make sense if the pics were destroyed. But she kept them. She did not see this as a mistake. She just doesn't feel as sexual with her husband. He's the one she settled for. The other guy is the one who got away.

Who says? You're adding to the story now with now evidence!
We all do different things with different partners. But there are also things we carry into different relationships. She liked him shaven, she likes you shaven, so what. It's what she likes!
I slept with an ex on the 2nd date, didn't sleep with H for 3 months! Does that mean I fancied my ex more? Course it doesn't!
This is her past. You can't change it. You just need to get over it sorry.
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[Broken at 20]

Who says? You're adding to the story now with now evidence!
We all do different things with different partners. But there are also things we carry into different relationships. She liked him shaven, she likes you shaven, so what. It's what she likes!
I slept with an ex on the 2nd date, didn't sleep with H for 3 months! Does that mean I fancied my ex more? Course it doesn't!
This is her past. You can't change it. You just need to get over it sorry.
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WEll, that is according to your opinion. A woman's opinion.

To a guy, the exact situation you described DOES sound like you fancied your ex more than your husband.
And I believe you will be hard pressed to find a guy that doesn't agree with that. (and don't ask your husband if he agrees with you or me)

Because why did it take 3 months for you to feel those feelings for your husband but only 2 days for your ex?

 

[jaharthur]

I'm curious as to how exactly you found the e-mail.

 

[aribabe]

My god.... when did men become so idk... emotional?

Inlovebuthurt, your wife hasn't done anything to wrong to you by sending nude pics to that guy, she didn't know you and didn't even know you existed actually. She hasn't hurt you so don't decide to be a victime, that's not attrctive. Differenent circumstances inspire different outcomes. You can never know exactly what her circumstnaces were at that time or with that guy. And it doesn't matter.

She's your wife. You want nude pics from her. Create circumstances that inspire her to send you some. You be hot, be sexy, turn her on, get her panties wet. You want flirty, naughty emails... be a flirty, naughty boy. You've been given a heads up by finding those emails,you know what type of words have turned her on.
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[daisygirl 41]

I didn't say I didn't WANT to sleep with him!!!! So there's the difference!
And the ex? It lasted 3 months! So the attraction obviously sore off. I finished it. 20 years later H and I are still together. H knows everything from my past and doesn't feel threatened by any of it so he KNOWS I didn't fancy the other guy more. He's got no insecurities there!

This isn't about what SHE has done in her past its about HIS insecurities.

OP, communication is the key. Talk to her. Get it out there and resolve it!
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[2ntnuf]

I don't see the insecurities. I think you have to be smart about the red flags you find. You are right. Talk. Communicate, then decide whether you want to accept it or not. Do what you feel is best for you. You do not have to be unhappy.

 

[Caribbean Man]

Ok,
There is ALWAYS a problem when people refuse to
flip the script.

What if the OP was a woman, who saw pics of her husband's ex gf, in his email and she was a curvy woman with nice perky tits and the shape of a fitness model?
Suppose this female OP was just a plain Jane girl next door type with small tits?

Hell, even naked pics of anonymous women posing on a computer is enough to make some women insecure.

The OP is feeling insecure for the exact, same reason any woman will feel insecure given the exact , same scenario.

ETA.
When I got married an my wife moved into my home, I had some nude photographs of two of my exes in a box of stuff. She flew into a rage and ripped them to pieces. She threw away all the old " love letters" from different women etc.
I was not upset, I understood how she felt.

 

[WyshIknew]

Who says? You're adding to the story now with now evidence!
We all do different things with different partners. But there are also things we carry into different relationships. She liked him shaven, she likes you shaven, so what. It's what she likes!
I slept with an ex on the 2nd date, didn't sleep with H for 3 months! Does that mean I fancied my ex more? Course it doesn't!
This is her past. You can't change it. You just need to get over it sorry.
Posted via Mobile Device

WEll, that is according to your opinion. A woman's opinion.

To a guy, the exact situation you described DOES sound like you fancied your ex more than your husband.
And I believe you will be hard pressed to find a guy that doesn't agree with that. (and don't ask your husband if he agrees with you or me)

Because why did it take 3 months for you to feel those feelings for your husband but only 2 days for your ex?

Sorry Daisygirl gotta agree with broken here. I'm not saying it is a correct attitude or that I think it means you love your husband any less. But I'm pretty sure most guys would be going "2nd date 3 months 2nd date 3 months?" "Yikes" "What has he got that she likes more than I've got?"


Edit, Sorry Daisygirl saw after I posted that you had already replied to Broken.

Props to your Hubby though, must be a very secure guy.

I must be a wuss because it would make me a little insecure.

 

[EleGirl]

That might make sense if the pics were destroyed. But she kept them. She did not see this as a mistake. She just doesn't feel as sexual with her husband. He's the one she settled for. The other guy is the one who got away.

Are you assuming that sex is the most important thing to her. It apparently is not. Remember that if a very sexy guy does not meet most of her needs it will not be long before he does not consider him sexy any longer.

For all you know she's the one who ended the relationship with the other guy. what makes you think that he 'got away'? Maybe she threw him away.

 

[missymrs80]

You'll understand that doesn't make us feel better right?

Because that is like saying "I wanted to have sex with this guy because he was fun and hot, and I want to marry you because you are secure and safe."

Plus, why was the other guy deserving to have nude pics sent to him right away, while her husband wasn't? Why is he not worthy enough to receive that privilege but some other loser in the past is?

If you ask me, I would feel like she is 'settling' for me. Like I am her safety. Her back up plan. Her 2nd place. And I don't feel special. No one likes second place. And this guy shouldn't either.

Why cant the husband be fun & hot AND safe & secure.

 

[EleGirl]

Ok,
This is ALWAYS a problem when people refuse to
flip the script.

What if the OP was a woman, who saw pics of her husband's ex gf, in his email and she was a curvateous woman with big perky tits and the shape of a fitness model?

Hell, even naked pics of anonymous women posing on a computer is enough to make a women insecure.

The OP is feeling insecure for the exact, same reason any woman will feel insecure given the exact , same scenario.

This is why keeping naked photos of ex's is a really bad idea. A lot of people are too insecure to handle it. They will compare every detail of the ex to find problems.

My son's dad had lots of pictures of his ex's. I did not care. They were his Exs. But I did not let him take any photos of me either because I did not want to be just one more set of photos in his collection. Now I'm glad I stuck to that.

 

[Zig]

This idea of "learning" from mistakes when it comes to sexual matters is ridiculous.

What if your husband dated a woman years ago who he took on trips overseas but then found out she was only using him for his money. Now he is with you and refuses to take you on expensive trips because he "learned his lesson."

This is a very common theme on here:

1. Loser ex gets wild monkey sex that the wife loved.
2. Husband, who is supposed to matter to her more than any other man gets vanilla sex.
3. Female posters insist that the fact your wife does not have an animal attraction to you is actually a compliment.

 

[missymrs80]

That might make sense if the pics were destroyed. But she kept them. She did not see this as a mistake. She just doesn't feel as sexual with her husband. He's the one she settled for. The other guy is the one who got away.

That is a pretty bold conclusion to jump to.

 

[daisygirl 41]

Sorry Daisygirl gotta agree with broken here. I'm not saying it is a correct attitude or that I think it means you love your husband any less. But I'm pretty sure most guys would be going "2nd date 3 months 2nd date 3 months?" "Yikes" "What has he got that she likes more than I've got?"


Edit, Sorry Daisygirl saw after I posted that you had already replied to Broken.

Props to your Hubby though, must be a very secure guy.

I must be a wuss because it would make me a little insecure.

There's always more to a story though isn't there?
My H was a sexy hot marine when we met so he had nothing to worry about! Lol!
That reminds me, I'll have to get him to dig that uniform out one day!!
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