[LeGenDary_Man]

I’ve been married for 3 years and been with my wife for a total of 9 years and love her with everything I have. I’m 37 and she is 33. I’ve always remained faithful and she always has as well as far as I know. She grew up in a divorced home and despises her mother for cheating on her father and proceeding to take half of his assets. She frequently makes comments regarding how she couldn’t ever see someone doing that to their spouse and does not talk to her mother to this day.

From my rule book: Trust, but verify.

Anyway, she’s been at her job for a handful of years and does office work. They have a “crew” of guys that does installs for their products and one of the guys in particular has always been extremely outgoing, flirtatious and just plain drunk half the time.

He is like this in the office as well?

Today I don’t know what came over me but my wife stepped outside for a few and I peeked in her phone and found texts from this guy that were completely out of line. She didn’t seem to engage his passes but she also didn’t tell him to stop.

You most likely noticed something and it bugged you enough to check your wife's phone. No need to feel guilty in this regard.

Husband and Wife - both should have access to each other phones to ensure open communication and no secrets are kept (open book).

Her: as much as I like working from home, I do miss you clowns (referring to the whole crew).

Your wife set the tone for 'flirtation' with this opening statement. She might be trying to be funny (in her mind) but a flirtatious man would feel encouraged while responding to this statement.

"I do miss the office" would be a better choice of words instead. Relatively neutral.

Him: you know I miss seeing that ass everyday

Her: haha oh I’m sure you are.

His response was 'predictable' in view of how your wife texted initially. Absolutely inappropriate for a coworker by the way.

Your wife's response was 'encouraging' this time.

Why would she say "haha oh I’m sure you are." to a man talking about her @ss like that?

Your wife is 'enjoying' his attention and complements (inappropriate or not).

Her: so that company that makes a really good japanese ginger sauce I showed you also makes a really good yum yum sauce.

Your wife continued to FLIRT with this man. More encouraging then before.

Him: you gonna let me taste 👅
Him: lol…it’s probably good as f**k

Her: haha lol. Yessss it’s so good!

His response was 'predictable' yet again. More bold this time.

Him: Wyd? U alone?

Her: I’m at home. I had to run to the office and now I’m back. I had to start making calls in about 10 minutes.

Him: damn!!! I’m running to the shop now. Go back! I wanna feel I mean see that ass!

Her: lol oh my lord no.
Her: Mike and Aaron might still be there FYI

Your wife mentioned other coworkers instead of putting this man in his place at this stage.

This is not good.

If Mike and Aaron were not there, he could have his way with your wife? This is the impression she gave to him.

Him: **** them. I wanna see you k!
Him: been thinking about running my hand across that fat ass since I talked to you yesterday.

Her: I am not driving back up there. Lol omg. You are ridiculous.
——————

Your wife decided to close this conversation for now but this chapter is far from over.

Your wife is NOT talking to this man like a married woman and a coworker should.

My heart literally dropped through my chest when reading this and I put the phone down and went to lay down. My wife was planning to treat me to a sexy outfit tonight and when she came back inside my mood completely changed and I became unresponsive while I collected myself. She began to cry because she though she did something and I tried to convince her I was just exhausted from being outside all day. I never ever turn her down so she probably thinks something is up with me.

I really need help, I’m completely stuck. I can’t tell her I went through her phone. I don’t know how else I can confront her or if I should at all. Now I don’t trust this guy at all, and worried he’s going to continue to try weaseling his way between me and my wife.

please help

Why you cannot tell her that you went through her phone? You are her husband, and you can do this.

If you can access her phone again then document these texts in your phone or in a usb drive. This evidence will be helpful when you decide to confront your wife.

You have no choice but to confront your wife on this matter at some point. You need to draw following boundary for your wife:

NO FLIRTATION with coworkers (men in particular).

Sooner, the better.

As for the Other Man (OM) - her coworker. He should be reported to the relevant authorities in his office for this nonsense. This should be your NEXT STEP.

 

[LeGenDary_Man]

@OSUguy85

A (married) woman should NOT FLIRT with a man who is known to be flirtatious in office and otherwise. This is a matter of common sense. Your wife did NOT shut this man down. You caught her in the act instead.

If your wife is remorseful then this is good for you. Your marriage can be saved. You can forgive your wife but tell your wife the obvious.

The whole "sexual harassment" narrative is being pushed here but the texts you have seen do not show your wife in good light either.

You handled the confrontation phase very well but you should not let this man off the hook so easily. Tell his superiors that you expect them to lay him off.

 

[LeGenDary_Man]

While his wife should have shut this down the perpetrators texts were way over the top. It’s sexual harassment and he should be terminated.

I agree that his texts were way over the top. Refer back to post # 21 in page 2 of this thread.

But 'sexual harassment' can be claimed when a woman did NOT welcome or entertain comments of sexual nature from a man in any capacity in a chat (or conversation).

The chat between the wife and her flirtatious co-worker falls in GREY ZONE unfortunately. The co-worker can challenge 'sexual harassment' charges through his attorney (if it comes down to this).

Anyways, the chat is sufficient to push for termination of this co-worker.

 

[LeGenDary_Man]

she said he’s made off-handed comments every so often like this for a while, but it really ramped up over the last month with the new owner being gone and with her no longer being over him. With her being unable to do anything about it herself, she passed it off as a joke and tried to brush it off with short quick comments and has profusely apologized for her mishandling of the situation.
Regarding her comment about those two people being back at the shop, she says is taken out of context and it was simply to let him know who was there since he was heading there for supplies.

she knows how it looks, I know how it looks. I dont Think there’s enough here for me to justify breaking this up and starting over. She was even to the point of talking about taking her life.

She is either sincerely sorry or a compulsive liar. If it was the latter, I would think I’d have caught her in other lies 9 years into this relationship and I never have.

You do NOT have to break your marriage and start over. Your wife is remorseful and have apologized to you. Tell her to NOT talk about taking her life - this is even more hurtful.

You may rebuild your marriage with her (no problem). Why destroy something when it can be salvaged and made better than before?

You should, however, know [for general knowledge sake] that (some) cheaters are known to lie and trickle-truth to minimize consequences for them when caught.

You should try to recover those deleted texts just to be sure what they were. Do this on your own.

You also mentioned that the flirtatious co-worker has a wife (or GF)? She does NOT likes your wife, right? Why not reach out to this woman and see what she has to tell you? You can also provide her an update. This can be helpful to her (and you).

Point is to complete your investigation to be sure about everything in order to help you move forward and CORRECT your own lapses in judgement in relation to your wife and marriage.

Stick to following measures meanwhile:

1. Tell your wife to never FLIRT with her male co-worker(s) again. This is common sense.

2. Make sure that your wife will not talk to her POS co-worker again.

3. Reach out to the manager [who texted you] to determine how they will FIX THIS PROBLEM and what they can do to keep your wife away from her POS co-worker.

Best of luck.

But keep us informed for a while.

 

[LeGenDary_Man]

There is also the revelation in this thread that the OM's wife does not like this man's wife. This is also an angle that should be looked into. The OM's wife knew something was off before this man. This woman might have some information as well.

This matter will take time to settle down. I am rooting for happy ending but investigation should be completed.