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I posted about a month ago about my SO texting and phoning a woman trying to initiate a sexual affair. It was the third time he "tried" to do this. First time an emotional affair approx 3 yrs ago & he cut it off himself (I found out later); second time a coworker last yr & I accidentally found out when she called; this time a coworker month ago and I picked up on it and interrupted before they did anything.

Since then things have been just horrible- imho. SO admitted it was wrong and apologized, but he only maintains that "remorse" for as long as I sweep everything under the rug and don't even talk about it. As he says "it's the past" (yeah, right) and I keep bringing up the "past". That's just one of his insane perspectives -- all of which make me want to rip my eyes out in frustration. Or his.

I did 180. The result after a week he apologized profusely, brought me roses, told everyone and anyone (coworkers, friends, his family, my family) that he was committed to the progress of our relationship, making a healthy home with me for our children, and told me he was willing to do whatever I need.

That only remains intact as long as I don't say a word and act like nothing happened. Which, obviously, is IMPOSSIBLE!

I'm getting mixed messages too. He calls family/friend begging for advice about how to make things right (they tell me details). But when he's face to face with me, he has a callous attitude. Then I heard him 2 nights ago, sitting up listening to one of the love songs he would dedicate to me, and sobbing -- while he thinks I'm asleep in the other room. He attempts to rationalize his actions in our relationship rather than admitting wrong. That bothers me the most. But he's chose sobriety because I expressed alcohol was a factor in our probs. Also, without me asking him to do any of this: he calls me more and tells me where he is and when he'll be back ; he spends his nights at home; he spends more time with the kids; and continues to help out more around the home and thank me for my contributions in the home. So the major issue is he just doesn't want me to talk at all about cheating, trust, respect, honor, etc. And I can't move past any of this without being able to COMMUNICATE!

I have the deepest ANGER bordering on HATE for this man. I once felt so much unconditional love. now at least 90% of the time, if he comes to my mind, I feel disgust & anger, repulsed by him. Rarely I feel overwhelmed with sadness (those times I cry out the pain alone while he's gone); or I feel emotionless like I don't even care how it all turns out - that makes me feel detached from him but also from myself.

I know I can leave. I keep envisioning leaving, release all this and move on, focus on myself and my kids.

However, he asked me several times to go to couples counseling to work on this. And I agreed and committed to it. We have an initial assessment appt set up two weeks from now, and I'm going through with that appointment. In the meantime -- is there ANY way I can release all this anger? Yes I know it's all his fault, I know my feelings are justified, I don't feel responsible at ALL for what happened. But I also believe my anger is coming out everytime I talk to him, look at him, little comments I make. Since I've decided to go to counseling and make a last ditch effort, I'm sure my anger isn't going to help either of us, especially me, in the healing process.

Any advice???
 

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Well, I might as well add, yes I still love him. Hearing him sobbing was heart wrenching for me but I told myself to leave him be, and not even mention it -- to avoid one of his egotistical rants -- which never fail to turn my empathy back into disgust. Maybe the anger and hate I feel is directly correlated to how much I still love him :(
 
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