I cheated on my husband of 7 years, in our own home. We separated. Lost our house. He filed for divorce. He still came around cause we have a son. So the 3 of us went out together often to keep my son happy, he was 3 at the time. One day i asked if he could ever forgive me. So he tried. We were together on and off. In one of our "On" moments (& even though we were both careful), i got pregnant again. (God has a way of doing things) I kept begging for him to drop the divorce. Especially with a new kid coming. I offered counseling, a new church, books, anything!!! He refused. It was his way of mending his ego. There was no way he could let me get away with this. I believe it was his punishment for me. He Said the only way we'd be back together is if the divorce went on. I was so vulnerable and felt so ashamed that i agreed to anything as long as I got him back. I pleaded, got on my knees,(literally) asked for forgiveness. But his attacks became too frequent. By attacks meaning, Yelling at the top of his lungs, called me all kinds of names, vented all his anger out at me, told me I deserved to die, i was the worse mother...... You know the typical things hurt men say. I took alot. I felt i deserved it for hurting him. But then I reached my limit & I started having BAD anxiety attacks. I had got on meds for depression & sleeping pills (pre-pregnancy). But now being pregnant I couldn't take anything & didn't know how to handle it anymore. Went to counseling by myself. It helped me but on his end, he was still angry and bitter and taking his frustrations out on me on the daily. So one can take only so much abuse. After all his yelling and my attacks, still going on during my pregnancy i hit the lowest low.... I wanted to kill myself with my daughter inside me. Thank GOD, His voice came into my head and I never went through with it. But then that's when I decided that I had to let him go. I made a huge mistake but I'm NOT an evil person. I couldn't live like this my whole life. I needed to take care of myself my son and new baby coming. So I told him to leave me alone. We were legally divorced by then, I was bout 20 weeks pregnant. (1/2 way) So 3 weeks with almost no contact with him went by. the worse 3 weeks of my life. But I kept on with my therapy and started to breath a little more each day. When one day he comes around again. This time he never left. I think by standing my ground and accepting my errors i became a bit stronger again. We've been together ever since. It took a while but we are getting to a new kind of happy. The thing is.... it's been 2 years now. My daughter is now a year old. We fight rarely cause i really learned to pick and choose my fights. I feel like I swallow my pride ALOT on little things here and there. But I refuse to let him step on me or belittle me anymore. He made the decision to take me back with all my faults so I feel he needs to own up to it. There are times when we fight about typical things and the affair still resurfaces. Even if it has nothing to do with our little fight. This is when I tell him, "am I forever gonna wear the scarlett letter???" I feel he needs counseling or at least to vent to a friend or something. But he won't. He carries his anger, memories...everything inside him. I do EVERYTHING I can to try to get him to see me transparently. I don't like upsetting him or giving him reason to be mad. But I feel lost when he brings it up & treats me unfairly. What can I do?? I'm VERY overly sympathetic to his hurt. I just feel he goes really over board with it. I haven't gone out with friends, emailed, nothing. I've been invisible for 2 years. Now I kinda want to come back to rejoin the living. But he's making it too hard. How do I live my life & keep him happy??