[time2heal]

Day 1.

My husband and I lie in bed after a long day. We snuggle and kiss a little bit. He is hard, I am horny. We go to sleep.

Day 2.

We do outdoor activities. (fishing/hiking) On the way home he tells me how much he wants to do me, and exactly what he wants to do to me. I encourage him to tell me more, because it turns me on.

I hadn't showered since yesterday evening, and we are both very dirty from being outside all day. So when we get home, the first thing we do is shower. Me first. Him second. He falls asleep during my shower, but wakes up and gets his after I am done.

He emerges from the shower with an erect, lubricated penis, expecting me to let him penetrate me right away. I am not ready (the shower takes all my natural lube away, and gets me out of the mood), so I lure him to the bed and encourage him to do a heavy make out session with me. He goes through the motions. Slobbering all over my face (kissing me) so bad that I am wiping his spit off my face every couple seconds. I get up and put some chap stick on. He doesn't like the flavor of it, so I take it off and put on a different kind. He touches me and grabs at me, but he doesn't seem to enjoy it. Again, he seems to just be going through the motions.

We kiss for maybe 10 more seconds. Exacerbated, he rolls on his back. I sense the irritation. He asks me, "Why aren't you ready yet!"

Those are examples of two typical nights with my husband. On night 1, I've learned from past experience that I am probably going to get rejected if I come onto him too strong, so I sit back and hope that he takes initiative. Usually he doesn't.

On day two Ok, I understand that it is hard for men to hold back -- this is one thing my IC explained to me a few months ago. I haven't been to IC since. I also understand that talking about it throughout the day probably made the desire for him more intense. It probably made it harder for him to hold back on this particular day.

But let's jump to the events that actually happen when we are home, in bed. This is a typical night of intercourse for us. He is ready to go, I'm not, he gets irritated when I encourage him stretch out the foreplay.

Mostly, I just feel like a place for him to shoot his load. I don't feel like there is any love making involved. A quickie is fun once in a while. But for the most part I'd prefer a little bit more seduction.

I've tried talking to him. I have tried explaining to him that I don't turn on that quick. Early in our marriage I would tell him "I don't turn on like a light switch!"

Now I'm trying to physically hold back until I am fully turned on. This just seems to irritate him. When I do hold back until I am a little bit more turned on, it makes sex much more enjoyable for me. Whereas when I don't, when I just give into him because he wants it, sex may be fun, or it may not be.

Is there any way I can get a man's perspective on the subject? What kind of stuff can I do or not do that would make him want more foreplay?

Are there any couples or women out there who have been in a similar situation? How did you work through this?

 

[Chris Taylor]

1 - take a shower together and make it part of the foreplay.

2 - mutual foreplay in bed, like 69'ing

3 - if he's showering and you're not, engage in some self-play to get things warmed up faster.

4 - have on/off days. one day is full-on romancing and extended foreplay. one day is the quicky animal sex. That way you both know what to expect.

 

[indiecat]

If you tell him that women take a good 10 minutes or more of foreplay what would he say?
Pick a calm time, when you are not in bed and explain to him that women are not men. Can he not go down on you first? Or some other activity? Have you asked him to?
He needs a serious talking to by you. Or the resentment will spoil things more and more.

 

[IsGirl3]

I was thinking along the lines of indiecat - a serious talking to, but I find talking about this so embarrassing and incredibly hard to do, but I think it needs to be done. Or making a date night, or going away to some couples place where sex is in there air. Or try getting a sex manual book and reading it out loud together - new things for him to try on you and you to try on him?

 

[romantic_guy]

In general, women are like crock pots and men are like microwaves. i say generally because my wife does not need much foreplay; I am the one who wants it. That being said, try reading a book together like "The Guide to Getting It On." Maybe this will help him understand that you are very typical.

 

[40isthenew20]

Definitely utilize the shower together if you're going to take one at all. Personally, I love when my wife is all sweaty - even though she doesn't feel the same. Guess it's more of a guy thing.

Also, why didn't you guys bang on Day 1? It sounds as if it was all lined up/

 

[I Notice The Details]

You need to show him how to treat you....that you need more time to get aroused...that you need more good kissing, not slobbering. Teach him how to adore your body like you want him too. He isn't going to learn this without your guidance.

I have had lots of luck with an exercise that my wife and I call "30 Minutes of Pleasure". On one night, my wife gets 30 minutes of whatever she wants and desires in the bedroom. She tells me or writes it down, and I will fulfill her every sexual wish....in every detail.

On the next night, it is my turn, and she fulfills whatever I want and desire in the bedroom. This exercise is great at teaching your spouse what you each want and need. I was surprised by some of the things my wife asked for, but I did them all....and she was VERY happy. She also learned what I liked and needed by what I asked for on my night.

This idea is certainly worth a try.

 

[YupItsMe]

Flip a coin

Heads - ram it in
Tails - Marathon session

Im semi serious here. You got a fifty fifty shot

 

[blueskies30]

Flip a coin

Heads - ram it in
Tails - Marathon session

Im semi serious here. You got a fifty fifty shot

LOL!! Ram It IN...I like this expression

 

[PHTlump]

What kind of stuff can I do or not do that would make him want more foreplay?

As long as you're involving his penis, you'll probably keep him interested. It doesn't have to be aggressively thrusting. Just do something with it.

Are there any couples or women out there who have been in a similar situation? How did you work through this?

I think every couple deals with this. Men are usually instantly horny and women take some warming up. Same old, same old.

 

[time2heal]

Definitely utilize the shower together if you're going to take one at all. Personally, I love when my wife is all sweaty - even though she doesn't feel the same. Guess it's more of a guy thing.

Also, why didn't you guys bang on Day 1? It sounds as if it was all lined up/

Generally if I let him know I want it, he doesn't want to do it.

Also, if he isn't into the mood, and I try to come onto him, say I do something bold like unbutton his pants so I can go down on him, he starts acting like I'm trying to rape him.

So this is what happened last night. I was in the mood. So I started kissing on him, after a few minutes he asked me to come to the bedroom with him. So I excitedly went, once in the bed he tells me he is too hot for sex right now, maybe we can do it in a few hours when he has cooled off, or in the morning. That was 12 hours ago, we didn't do it.

We did talk about it though. He started acting insecure and asking me if I was going to find someone else because he doesn't give it to me enough. First, I assured him I don't want to be with anyone else, then I told him we generally need more foreplay. I explained to him women are like ovens, men are like microwaves. You have to preheat the oven. He told me it is just very hard for him to hold back once he is ready. I asked him what kind of stuff I can do to get him in the mood. I told him a few things he can do more often that drive me mad.

As far as foreplay goes. Sometimes I get it. I don't know if maybe it isn't long enough, or if I just can't let myself get into it. but when I do get it (I think a combo of both), it doesn't seem to do anything for me. Maybe it is because I don't perceive that he is all that into it. Maybe it is the fact that 3 minutes of foreplay seems to be a record.

I learned that we perceive our sex lives very differently. I asked him how often we have sex. He says every other day. I think we have it once or twice a week. I think I need to keep a journal so I know exactly how often we have it.

Foreplay in the shower. So here is my biggest problem with showering together: one person get's to wash them self under the nice hot water while the other person gets splattered with stray drops that have some how turned to ice cubes on the path from the facet to the second person's skin. It is pure torture.

Also the shower takes away my natural lube. I've always been prone to UTIs so I compulsively wash myself before sex. I guess I could try not washing myself before sex (unless I know for sure I am dirty down there)? Knowing that I am naturally lubed before sex makes it better for me. Store bought lubes feel different.

Playing with myself while he is showering, now that is a good idea.

69 is fun, but I can't enjoy what he is doing to me if my focus is what I am doing to him.

As for the 30 minutes of pleasure idea. Ha, I wish. But I will bring this up to the hubby. Maybe we can aim for 10 or 15 minutes of pleasure (at first).

The book idea! Good idea!

The coin idea is funny.

Thanks for all the suggestions! In conclusion, we have talked about it at this point. I'll keep you updated by letting you know if the talking made a difference next time we have sex! He seems to understand where I am coming from, but understanding and acting on it are two different things!

 

[40isthenew20]

It sounds like your H is doing everything possible to avoid sex at all costs. Is it possible he has ED or may be gay? I don't want to open any trap doors, but if my wife unbuttoned my pants and started blowing me, I would be jumping out of my socks.

Too hot for sex? Wait a few hours until it cools off? Sounds ridiculous to me as a fellow man.