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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hey all,
I am currently in the middle of a complete mess and looking for some thoughts or suggestion. here is the back story:

I have a Daughter from a previous marriage, shes 12, and I have a step daughter who's 4 and I've raised since she was 8 months old, and I have been married to my wife for 2 years and together with her for almost 4.

I live next door to my wife's parents, and my parents live 15 miles away in the next town.

the issue started this summer when My 12 year old was sitting with my Father in law and they began to talk about Boys and Sending Naked Pictures, well push came to shove and we found out thru this conversation that my 12 year old sent Naked pictures to a boy in her class, we grounded her from her phone and left it at that. well about 6 weeks ago she told my Ex-wife that my Father in law asked to see her naked. I had confronted her about this and she says its true. she however never sent or showed him any pictures, my Wife got wind of this and immediately said my daughter is not allowed into our house.

My wife has a very strong relationship with her father who in the past my father in law has cheated on his wife and taken my wife (his Daughter) to another woman's house when she was younger, left her in the car, so he could "Hang out" with another woman who wasn't her mother.

My 12 year old has my mother and her mother wrapped around her fingers and has said before all of this ever went down that she doesn't like it our house because she has no friends over there and nothing to do.

My wife freaked out on my mother who believes my Father in law did ask to see my daughter naked and both are freaking out on each other.

well my wife kicked me out because she says her dad never said that and telling me i need to cut all ties with my mother and my Daughter. my Mother is telling me to cut ties with my wife and step child, i am caught in the middle.

New development: My father in law says he got a letter from the Sheriff's department from the Parents and grandparents of my 12 year old saying they want his statement. I did confront both my ex wife and my Mother and both denied going to law enforcement. so i am thinking he made that story up because it was the day after my wife and my mother got into it. this may be his way to manipulate his daughter.

I am very lost and there are so many factors, please any advise will help.

PS i am religious person, and i am nose deep into the bible, but i am still lost.
 

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Wow............

This is potentially a very serious matter.

Some of the things you say though are unclear.

1. So, i'm taking it your daughter lives with her mother (your ex wife) and your current wife doesn't want your daughter around?

2. Why would your FIL say that the police are investigating? Who alerted the police to this?

3. Your current wife kicked you out of your own house????? She can't do this legally. She can't kick you out of where you live without a court order.

4. "My father in law says he got a letter from the Sheriff's department from the Parents and grandparents of my 12 year old saying they want his statement. I did confront both my ex wife and my Mother and both denied going to law enforcement. so i am thinking he made that story up because it was the day after my wife and my mother got into it. this may be his way to manipulate his daughter."

This whole part doesn't make any sense. Please explain.

My initial reaction is that your wife is in denial. This must be treated seriously. Go to the police and verify if the letter is real, and why they have reason to investigate.

It is possible that your daughter is fantasizing and a 'bad little girl', however, if true, then your FIL is a pervert.

and regardless, you must keep your daughter away from FIL!!!!
 

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I would not ignore this problem as your wife suggests. You must follow up. Talk to the police about the complaint and what they've found out. Your father in-law had an affair before and left his daughter (your wife) in the car to wait while he socializes with his mistress. He is an irresponsible man.

I definitely would not bring my daughter around with the problem that you have at hand. You pointed out that your daughter has your ex-wife and mother around her finger. Do not let this deter you from protecting your own child from any predator. Think of what is best for your child.

As for your wife, she is definitely in denial and not a good way. She does not care about the welfare of your daughter, even at the point of endangerment. I would seriously look at the character of your wife. This can be a turning point in your marriage.

Sorry that you are here.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
My 12 year old lives with my Ex wife yes,

My Wife has a very close relationship with her father, and if he is ever in trouble she is right beside him, whether its right or wrong. My FIL called my wife yesterday and told her about this letter, she said she didn't physically see the letter from law enforcement, and I know that no one has gone to law enforcement from my family, my best guess is he is trying to make it seem like my Family is getting him in trouble to make him look better to my wife.

my 12 year old has no rules at her mothers house or my mothers house, when she is in my care she has rules and specific time schedules to uphold thus why she doesn't like to come to my house.


its hard to say if my FIL did actually ask for the pics, because my 12 year old's story keeps changing. there's reasonable doubt, but that's not what i am hung on, im hung on the fact my Wife and my Mother say i need to choose.
 

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My 12 year old lives with my Ex wife yes,

My Wife has a very close relationship with her father, and if he is ever in trouble she is right beside him, whether its right or wrong. My FIL called my wife yesterday and told her about this letter, she said she didn't physically see the letter from law enforcement, and I know that no one has gone to law enforcement from my family, my best guess is he is trying to make it seem like my Family is getting him in trouble to make him look better to my wife.

my 12 year old has no rules at her mothers house or my mothers house, when she is in my care she has rules and specific time schedules to uphold thus why she doesn't like to come to my house.


its hard to say if my FIL did actually ask for the pics, because my 12 year old's story keeps changing. there's reasonable doubt, but that's not what i am hung on, im hung on the fact my Wife and my Mother say i need to choose.
The day my first child was born, I felt that my #1 job in life is to be a father.

To me, the choice would be obvious even if it hurts.
 

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I'm sorry you are here.

What you should do is somewhat obvious but the implementation is hard.

First don't make anyone else's false choice. It's not a or b. It's what is right.

Choose your wife, your daughter and your step daughter. Make this explicitly clear. Do not accept a false choice of wife or daughter. Tell your wife you choose both and mean it. Ignore her comments saying "I don't agree" and "I'm sorry you see it that way" and "I will always chose my wife and I will always choose my children" and "I will always protects wife and children from predators".

Say these things and mean them. Leave your religion aside - it is not inconsistent with this. There is a time for praying and there is a time for acting like a strong man, father and husband. Again - this is consistent with all religions I am aware of.

REMOVE all toxic people from your life as part of your actions in keeping with your responsibilities as husband and father.

Move your children to another state - your temporary job, friends and financial situation are not even remotely important in this decision.

Your daughter - if she is lying to get out of your house will come clean if she has to move. Your parents will eventually understand if they are not toxic people.

If you ex wife has partial custody let her know you are doing this to protect D and I bet she will support it. You have to move far enough away to get D12 away from her toxic friends and FIL but be close enough to ExW toake custody work.

Then worry about resolving the toxic crap going on - at a safe distance.

Also file police reports yourself! If things get nasty before you can move get a restraining irder on FIL and the fily of the boy involved in the sexting. See a lawyer ASAP about protecting your kids!
 

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Bobzitt, tough spot you're in. If you didn't have the 4 yr old step daughter I'd say divorce and keep your 12 yr old safe. To me it is that big of a deal. The 4 yr old needs protecting too, but she isn't your flesh and blood which moves her down 1/2 peg in priority. Also, you can positively protect your 12 yr old by leaving. If you stay, you fail to protect her. Whether or not you stay, the 4 yr old is at risk. But I understand how impossible it feels to leave that 4 yr old.

It is quite possible that your 12 yr old made up a story for some reason. But I don't think you'll ever get proof positive one way or the other. So if it were me I'd err on the side of it being true. And I wouldn't pressure her to "tell me the truth now", because you still won't know if it is the truth.

One possibility is that your 12 yr old has already been molested by him, and she is telling the story in a way to bring up the topic in a way which seems less bad. I think I would have her see a good child psychologist, someone with a Ph.D., who is female, who specializes in child sex abuse. Even just a few sessions could help your daughter in many ways. If she hasn't been molested, she can still explore being assertive and self protective. If she has been molested, she can discuss it privately and get the help she needs now.

Child molesters don't just suddenly get that way, and they don't change either. If your wife's dad is a molester there is a good chance he molested his own kids, including your wife. Does she have any sisters? Female cousins? Those are also probable victims. Are there other grand-daughters or step grand-daughters of this guy?

Have you searched online to see if FIL is a registered sex offender?

My bottom line is I would never let FIL be alone even briefly with either the 12 yr old or the 4 yr old. Not ever. Not once. Not for a minute. CSA causes life long problems for the victim, and indeed causes problems for their families too. It just isn't worth the risk. I'd do anything for my kids to keep them safe, including leaving a good marriage. Having seen the damage brought to my wife's entire life from sex abuse, I'd do anything to prevent it from happening to my daughters.
 

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My father in law says he got a letter from the Sheriff's department from the Parents and grandparents of my 12 year old saying they want his statement. I did confront both my ex wife and my Mother and both denied going to law enforcement. so i am thinking he made that story up because it was the day after my wife and my mother got into it. this may be his way to manipulate his daughter.
I seriously doubt the Sheriff would identify who made allegations or complaint. The Sheriff may have asked for a statement from him, but I believe that would be done in person not by letter, and would have not stated who made the complaint.

Intimidation and manipulation are central parts of child sex abuse. In fact it is my belief those factors are significant in the long term damage done to the victim. The other significant factor is parents or other trusted adults who don't believe or protect the child. The actual touching or looking are minor contributors to the long term damage, because the child doesn't understand sexuality. The context of the event, the mind games played by the perp, and the reactions (or lack of) by responsible adults are the big influences to how damaging the CSA is in the long run, imo.
 

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This is a tough one since you're not 100% positive your daughter is telling the truth. Have YOU had a sit-down with her about it? She's not too young to know that this could be a life-changer for your FIL. If she is telling the truth, she needs to be protected, and that means NO more contact with this man, and pressing charges if applicable. In my opinion, just making sure they are not alone in a room together is not enough because it will feel like you chose keeping the peace over protecting her. Believe me, I've been that 12 year old girl and I only recently (at age 42) identified this lack of protection as one of myriad reasons for my insecurity, but it's a big one nonetheless. Your action on this matter will have lasting effects for the rest of her life if she's telling the truth. And of course if she's not telling the truth, that will also have lasting effects.

I guess what I'm personally trying to say is it's hard for me to give advice until you know for sure that she's telling the truth.
 
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If your wife is controlled by your FIL it is possible she is codependent or has other significant issues including abuse.

While terrible this might also mean you can also take charge and push FIL aside. If you are strong - and I mean seething strong which you should be - that is a strength that will show. Then your words will carry more weight as you will be single minded in your determination and W will realize she can not win and change your mind.

If you are not a strong man what I said might not make sense. I do not mean be bad to get or abusive - but it may seem abusive to you. In fact I mean act and speak strongly and with resolve. Think of john Wayne, Clint Eastwood, sean Connery, Vic morrow. These were my childhood role models. They were never abisive to women - in fact the opposite - but they did not accept BS, did not whine, did not argue stupid points, and only raised their voice to shut up people that tried to tell them something untrue, dishonest, or just plain wrong.

I hope this makes sense.

I suspect this is what is needed here.

If I had an exW who was endangering my child I would give her one warning in case she didn't understand, then call child protective services if I felt my child was endangered by the environment. I would first contact a lawyer. And I would call in sick immediately and have plans a b and c ready by the end of the day.

This is strength that is needed and what women respect. And what ****roaches like FIL scurry away from.
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
Thor - I agree with the Sheriff not saying who put the complaint in, it makes no sense to me that it was 24 hours after my wife and mother got into it, an of course my father in law knows all the details because my wife confides to him.

as far as the sexual abuse, he has 2 daughters and my wife was sexually assaulted by a peer when she was younger and its still causing her issues to this day, i know the guy who did it and i can honestly say her dad never assaulted his daughters.
 

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Why was your father in law having a conversation with your daughter about sending naked pics to boys in the first place? Doesn't that send up red flags for you. That is soooo not his place.

Have you spoken to your daughter? I don't understand why you're speculating and guessing about things. Have a conversation with your daughter. Be supportive. Be ready to believe her. Do not go into it assuming she is lying make sure she knows you have her back.

Also, tell your FIL you want to see the letter he supposedly has. It's highly unlikely that any law enforcement agency would be investigating this without your knowledge. They would need to interview your daughter and they can't do that without parental knowledge. They would also most likely want to interview everyone else. If he is making crap up then he proves himself to be a liar. So what else is he lying about? Why is he pushing your wife so hard to pick sides if he's innocent? He's acting kinda guilty.

Bottom line, the risk to your daughter and your relationship with her is too high not to give her the benefit of the doubt on this one. Tell your wife that you love her but you are not going to abandon your daughter. Get to the bottom of this.
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You cannot say what Ws father did or did not do!

Abuse happens. It's a fact. It doesn't come to light because abusers groom the victims and manipulate them. You will never know unless you have a magic wand and can get the victims to tell you what they can not tell themselves.

Stop this type of thinking. Assume the worst and protect against it. If it is not true no harm will come if it is true you will have saved the W and kids.

No one will judge a man harshly for taking strong measures to protect his family except toxic people, abusers, and people of low character.
 

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Realize that the allegation has forever changed the family. Those kinds of words can never be taken back. The seeds of doubt will always be there about FIL. Family members will take sides, some who will never believe FIL is a molester, and others who will believe it possible.

You can not smooth this over. Lots of people are going to have hard feelings forever. So just accept that part of it, which frees you to do what is right for your daughter, wife, and step daughter.

The post above by TheTruthHurts is good, but my caution is unless your wife is 100% on board with never leaving the girls alone with her dad, then you can not protect them from FIL. You can be watchful when you are there, but if your wife is willing to leave them alone with her dad even for a few moments, they are unprotected.

We are good friends with a family where the wife was molested by her step-dad who is still married to her mom. Step-dad and mom live several states away, which makes it easier to control contact with our friends' kids. When step-dad and mom visit, our friends don't allow other kids in the neighborhood over, and they never ever left any of their kids alone with step-dad even for a second.

Our friends' sister and female cousins were also molested by this guy. Three of those women did not impose the same strict quarantine with their own daughters. Yup, the guy molested all those other little girls. Even though the women had themselves been molested by this guy, they did not see him as a serious threat to their own young girls. It didn't take much for him to find opportunities to molest.

So don't assume your wife will provide solid quarantine to protect the 12 and 4 yr olds from her dad.

If your wife was not molested, he may still be a molester. He may not molest his biological offspring, but he may have molested others. Your 12 yr old is a non-biological grand-daughter.
 

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you cannot say what ws father did or did not do!

Abuse happens. It's a fact. It doesn't come to light because abusers groom the victims and manipulate them. You will never know unless you have a magic wand and can get the victims to tell you what they can not tell themselves.

Stop this type of thinking. Assume the worst and protect against it. If it is not true no harm will come if it is true you will have saved the w and kids.

No one will judge a man harshly for taking strong measures to protect his family except toxic people, abusers, and people of low character.

+1000
 

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Discussion Starter · #17 ·
the hardest part is, my daughters time line keeps changing, and so does her story, also a week before this all happened she accused me of talking sexually in front of her, my Ex wife called screaming and yelling and i told her i never have spoken sexually around my daughters, that talk is for moms and dads, not kids.

then to top things off, a few weeks before that, my 12 year old was set on not coming down to my house because she wanted to be a a friends house instead. she made up some lie to my exwife about my Wife being mean and locking her in a closet, there are so many angles i don't know how to handle all of this.
 

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the hardest part is, my daughters time line keeps changing, and so does her story, also a week before this all happened she accused me of talking sexually in front of her, my Ex wife called screaming and yelling and i told her i never have spoken sexually around my daughters, that talk is for moms and dads, not kids.

then to top things off, a few weeks before that, my 12 year old was set on not coming down to my house because she wanted to be a a friends house instead. she made up some lie to my exwife about my Wife being mean and locking her in a closet, there are so many angles i don't know how to handle all of this.
Get your daughter in counseling STAT. That's what you need to do.
 

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Discussion Starter · #19 ·
I agree with Counseling, she has an apt tomorrow with a child therapist, she has some underline issues from when her Mother and i got a divorce. and all of the new stuff needs addressed too.

the hardest part is trying to get my daughter to be part of the family again when my wife wants nothing to do with her.
 

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Whoa... Your daughter's claim that you were speaking inappropriately about sexual matters in her presence sheds a whole new light on this situation.

She clearly lied about you, she is likely lying about the FIL too.

And sending naked pictures to a boy from school is hugely inappropriate.

She needs some serious counseling, pronto. It's quite possible she has already been molested by someone (not necessarily the FIL) and is now acting out in sexually inappropriate ways.
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