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That's not how life works. People make mistakes and all you can hope for is that people learn from them. Some will and some won't.

A&U - You're not wrong but you're sensationalizing. The pain and aftermath will remain with them, yes. The lesson that the BS has to learn is different from that of the WS. And it's no harder or easier to learn than the one that the WS does.

Both lessons require that the person look inward for forgiveness. Those who look outward for blame, forgiveness or validation will never find peace.

Not all pain is bad. It's just unfortunate that we cause each other so much of it by making those mistakes.
 

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That's not how life works. People make mistakes and all you can hope for is that people learn from them. Some will and some won't.

A&U - You're not wrong but you're sensationalizing. The pain and aftermath will remain with them, yes. The lesson that the BS has to learn is different from that of the WS. And it's no harder or easier to learn than the one that the WS does.

Both lessons require that the person look inward for forgiveness. Those who look outward for blame, forgiveness or validation will never find peace.

Not all pain is bad. It's just unfortunate that we cause each other so much of it by making those mistakes.
TVx, not sure why you think A&U is sensationalising. To me that was a simple statement of fact.

While I reconciled with my wife after her affair, and while I have very sympathy for the pain WS goes through, the fact remains that she chose to have the affair and so in a sense the pain she gets from it is deserved. I didn't get such a choice. My pain was inflicted by her.

That is an aspect of this playing field that can never be level.
 

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TVx, not sure why you think A&U is sensationalising. To me that was a simple statement of fact.
Me also; we are the sum of our experience. But where the BS has the choice is how they integrate that pain into themselves.

I did a poll with my friends and colleagues when I was searching for my own absolution and nearly all of them admitted to being unfaithful, either to a girlfriend/boyfriend or a spouse.

How do you integrate that? How do you rationalize it?

While I reconciled with my wife after her affair, and while I have very sympathy for the pain WS goes through, the fact remains that she chose to have the affair and so in a sense the pain she gets from it is deserved. I didn't get such a choice. My pain was inflicted by her.

That is an aspect of this playing field that can never be level.
Yes, very true. But it is you that chooses to hold onto that pain. It is you that chooses to see yourself as a victim. It is you that has not yet forgiven her for making that mistake... even though you say you have you clearly haven't. It is something that you hold onto.

Have you *never* inflicted harm on anyone else? Have you never started a fight on the school playground? Called someone a bad name? Mocked someone for doing something stupid? We all cause harm to each other in some way or another that damages others.

Part of life is to learn to avoid doing that in the future. Hopefully your W has learned that lesson. Your lesson is different. You have to learn to forgive her for punching you in the face and breaking your nose. Yeah, your nose is always going to be a little weird looking but if you always blame her for breaking your nose then you're never really going to be happy with her. You'll look in the mirror every day and remember how she hurt you... accept the broken nose as part of you now.

If you don't and bring it up, and she truly has learned her lesson, you will be giving her a right hook every time. And, because of the guilt, she'll stand there and take it *and* beg you for forgiveness for you punching her in the face.

The lesson that the BS has to learn is how to integrate their spouses mistake into themselves and stop being a victim. If they can't then they can't. But life will keep giving them chances to learn that lesson...

So I ask you, how many right hooks does it take to make up for the body blows, upper cuts and broken nose that her affair gave you? When does it become 'even' for her punching you while you weren't looking? And if it can't become even... how long after your opponent is KO do you keep punching to make up for the beating that they gave you?

Note: Now I'm sensationalizing, but I hope you get my point.
 

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PS - I use the above analogy because I have a mate that had a very short EA and though his wife says that she forgives him, she hasn't... and she is destroying him with it.

His guilt is immense and she just keeps using it against him. At some points he's had one foot out the door, at other times he's been suicidal because she won't let it go; she won't stop being the victim.

And he won't leave... because it was his fault and he deserves it... and when he talks to her about it, well... "No, I forgive you. Sorry, I was just triggering, everything is fine".

That hurt goes both ways mate. Affairs destroy people because they hurt so much.

There is no such thing as a level playing field. Life is not fair.
 
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