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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
hi draconis,
i have been reading many of your posts, u r a great person and a wonderful husband!

I have been looking for such ideas to spice up our marriage since i had kids. But, what happens when only one person does such lil things and the other always says "thanks" "I love u" and nothing more??? should i continue to do and stop expecting the same???

After some serious issues a few months back we are working on our relationship again, its hard to find time with two babies, and i feel like we just doing nice stuffs for the sake of doing and dont really enjoy it any suggestion!

Sorry to use ur thread to post question! U can pm me if u dont want to mess this thread)
Here was the message in whole but I'd like to break each piece down and reply.

I have been looking for such ideas to spice up our marriage since i had kids. But, what happens when only one person does such lil things and the other always says "thanks" "I love u" and nothing more??? should i continue to do and stop expecting the same???
Never stop, but instead sit him down and explain to him that you ALWAYS want that spark there and that the cruise control of the mundane is not something you'll settle on.

If he isn't paying attention use the tricks from management. Sit him down, take his hand in yours while you are standing over him and look him in the eyes. It is a focus/control the enviroment tech so that everything you say is better received and he is more focused on you.

Also plan dates. This saved the wife and I since we couldn't just "go out and do it". Family that you can count on helps.

Have him start a journal of everything he does for you. I did this for my five year ann. with the wife. When you log into it everyday you realize wow the last two days I did nothing! Time to rev it up again. It keeps you honest to say the least. At the end of things or at the special day those can be gifts for you or if you do it to something to exchange.

By the way you can also keep movie stubs and every thing you do together. the wife still has the five year one. I look at that and the days we made love and realised just how important it was to woo her. When or sex life slipped it hurt us in the way that we accepted things. But I have learned it is never to late to ad more to a relationship.

Some times a partner (specially men) need to be reminded to communicate. By science men are not as good as women.

draconis
 

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Discussion Starter · #2 ·
After some serious issues a few months back we are working on our relationship again, its hard to find time with two babies, and i feel like we just doing nice stuffs for the sake of doing and dont really enjoy it any suggestion!
If possible have your/his parents watch the little ones once a week even if for a few hours. Having that alone time really helps.

Have your kids on a schedule. In bed at 8 and you and the hubby have that time together after.

Doing nice things is great, if you are not enjoying them then I'd say look at your stress level. It is clear you care about what you have but if stress gets in the way you can't enjoy things as much.

With women this often effects the sex life too, so that they can't orgasm.

I also think you need to look at the serious issues from a few months back and figure out if they have been solved. If it has great. If not keep working to solve it(them).

I will admit two babies is hard, I have four total (12, 7, 3, 1 and a half). Thankfully for the grandparents who give us a day every week. Even every other or once a month is a start. Even a trusted sibling or worst case a good baby sitter. Keep those flames going!

draconis
 

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hi draconis,
Thank you very much for starting a thread for me!

ok, i have sit him up many times to express how i feel, he does pay attention and says ok i'll do it from now on, then he does it a few times and no more! After reading the way u have wanted me to talk to him, i m reflecting on myself now, perhaps i have been complaining more than expressing........i'll try your advice:) thanks!

My kids usually go to bed by 7.30 pm and we get some time, we also get to go out without the kids fortnightly (though not scheduled or regular) The problem is we spend that time talking about the kids, planning our house moving, financial planning etc etc..........he loves talking these stuffs but hardly even notices what i wear or my new hair style, because of this i have been feeling very down about my looks espeically after going through twin pregnancy.

You are very right, we are going through a lot of stess being a first time parent of twins, moving house, staying away and see each other only twice a month. We are married for 9 years now, and we have had wonderful relationship until kids came along. He still keeps all our first time things like (our first night hotel room receipt, the first note i wrote to him etc)

Oh my I thot u dont have kids, u have 4? u really inspire me:smthumbup: to work harder on my relationship.

Well, the real problem is my husband thinks at this stage of life, we should focus on the kids future and our financial security and its very irresponsible to talk about romance etc. He also thinks i m stuck at the first stage of marraige still and wants me to "grow up". I hate his mind set, why cant we romance once we have kids??

I totally agree with your that by science men are not as good as woman in communication and my husband is the extreme case:eek:
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 · (Edited)
A bit of insight. I was married once before and was the typical husband. I worked hard, helped around the house but was looking for the future and forgot about the present. My first wife felt neglected and cheated on me for that closeness she missed. It was a real wake up call. He needs to continue that magical spark. There is a reason retired couples are so close. They have all that time to share together. He needs to learn this too.

Yes even with four kids we have a romantic, loving relationship. I have learned the secrets of communicating and understanding better. So can he.

draconis
 

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A little bit of insight......just because you have child you can't forget the two of you (this was a downfall in my marriage). It is important to remember you two where there first and need attention from one another outside of being mom and dad. Hang in there!
 

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Draconis,
Thanks for sharing that with me, i m sorry that u have gone thru a break...but i m glad that u have learnt to keep the romance for years with 4 kids..........not many men are like u!

kajira,
I m sorry about your marriage! yes i totally agree with you but i m at loss as in how to get my husband understand this:(

Ok last night i spoke to him about the need for couple time and whats quality couple time means to me...........I started off well but tooo bad i messed it again by sounding like complaining.......arghh:mad: I think i need to practice the art of communication!

He said, he understands that we miss a lot of romance and then he promised that he is going to bring back that soon, well, guess what he said? He said he's planning to renovate our current house (we are gonna stay in a rental house near husband's work place so that we can be together) as beautifully as he could and present it to me on a surprise romantic day..........huh! boy...i have to wait for a couple of years for that day and its going to cost him a bomb!!! why doesnt he understand that i m not asking for materialistic things? Why he doesnt perceive the little things which are free are what i want???? i was simply pissed off but stayed cool:rolleyes:

Thanks for reading:)
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Draconis,
Thanks for sharing that with me, i m sorry that u have gone thru a break...but i m glad that u have learnt to keep the romance for years with 4 kids..........not many men are like u!

kajira,
I m sorry about your marriage! yes i totally agree with you but i m at loss as in how to get my husband understand this:(

Ok last night i spoke to him about the need for couple time and whats quality couple time means to me...........I started off well but tooo bad i messed it again by sounding like complaining.......arghh:mad: I think i need to practice the art of communication!

He said, he understands that we miss a lot of romance and then he promised that he is going to bring back that soon, well, guess what he said? He said he's planning to renovate our current house (we are gonna stay in a rental house near husband's work place so that we can be together) as beautifully as he could and present it to me on a surprise romantic day..........huh! boy...i have to wait for a couple of years for that day and its going to cost him a bomb!!! why doesnt he understand that i m not asking for materialistic things? Why he doesnt perceive the little things which are free are what i want???? i was simply pissed off but stayed cool:rolleyes:

Thanks for reading:)
Many people (more men then women) think money can buy or rent love. It is the one thing they can give. I work for $10 an hour so this $100 gift is like me giving you ten hours of my time.

It is a shame that most do not see that $10 and nine real hours is worth much more to a relationship. That those little things every day mean so much.

Keeping the flames burning is like keeping a bonefire going. Do you wait until it is dead before throwing more wood on? No you keep putting wood on slowly if you want to burn it all day long.

With love you can never let the embers go out. It is a shame that to many people never got that.

draconis
 

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"How much time are you worth?" - I must have said this statement a hundred times. It isn't the car, house or materialistic things. I wanted him..........some men just do'nt get it now matter how you spell it out to them.
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
"How much time are you worth?" - I must have said this statement a hundred times. It isn't the car, house or materialistic things. I wanted him..........some men just do'nt get it now matter how you spell it out to them.
If you have sons teach them now. Society tells men the wrong things. Forums like these, women like you and the few that get it chan change things to where they should be.

draconis
 

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Kajira & draconis,
yes I agree, but the thing in our relationship is, we were the most romantic couples for 7 years before the kids came in. He will call me at least twice a day (he hates writing) to tell me how much he loves me, and i will never forget to write him a note, sms him or email him how much i love and appreciate all that he is doing for me. I learnt to watch football for him and he learnt to enjoy trekking with me, there's not a single thing in that 7 years he had never refused to buy me anything i have wanted. He always ensures that i get all the best things and he doesnt really spend much on himself. Now he had totally changed or fatherhood had changed him??? We hardly talk abt love or romance, to make matter worst he wants the kids to sleep in our room (tho i have set up a nice room for them) this makes even harder for any intimacy:( The only thing that has not changed about him still is he still ensures i get whatever i and the kids want (materialistic). Sometimes when i read in this forum about men who are selfish etc i feel quilty for complaining about my husband, but romance is very important to me, even if not really romance i defenitely need some attention because i got it a lot before the kids came in.

One more thing i want to add on to my problem is, at this point of our life where i feel romance is lacking, i feel that he looks twice at young girls on the road, its not just i feel he really does, this is something new in him, he had never done this before, this is really bothering me and i start to feel very down at times wondering if he's bored with me? or am i not good looking anymore:(

I really feel very depressed sometimes, do u all think that i m worrying for nothing?? if so please tell me, i feel like i need some counselling right now!

Thanks for reading!
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
Okay first it seems he will do plenty for you and the kids. Explain the companionship you need, as well as the love and connection. Tell him that you feel the marriage is strong but drifting away and it is best for the kids and you if the two of you have that connection because you don't want to divorse the man you love.

The look thing, I think most people do it. Some are more innocent then others. I'd worry if it went farther then it is but not from what you have said. Don't worry about how you look people change with time. I am sure he has gained weight etc too.

We all get depressed and if you think counciling will help by all means go, but I think many of your issues are similar to PPD. You need and deserve some of your husbands attention.

It sounds like he is a great father now he has to reinvest in being a husband too.

draconis
 

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Draconis,
Thanks, u r right, i just called the counsellor over the phone and she says i sound like i have ppd, I am scheduled for a session in two weeks hope i will get over this soon and my husband will be back to normal again!

Many many thanks for your advises and support!
 

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Draconis,
Thanks, here i m with more complaints:)

Two days ago, he said something that really made me feel very low, his mum usually says that kinda things to make me feel lousy thats why i became really mad at him.

I m taking care of the kids 24/7 and whenever he or MIL comes home i tend to let them take care of kids so that i can have a break but to them i m a lousy mother.......I feel so hurt and unfair, isnt this unfair to me, dont i need some time for myself? Does wanting some time for myself make me a incapable mother?

I was soo mad that i almost screamed at him, he didnt talk to me after that. I was in the study crying my head out, after a good crying i went to him and told him "what" hurt me, he didnt respond at all, but i kept calm and continued to tell him how i feel. He finally said, that i have hurt him too.....then he said he was very sorry for what he said and that he didnt mean that i m a lousy mother. I m not convinced nor am i ok with that but i just want to work it all out and get back my life in place.

Thanks for reading
 

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Discussion Starter · #15 ·
Chances are he meant to slight you but not hurt you in the way he did. It is often used as a trick to demean someone so that they feel upset and do more to prove the other person wrong. Therefore they get their way twice both in what they wanted and control.

I hope by early next week I have a Role Thesis up because I talk about these various things.

A stay at home parent deserves no less than four hours that they can go out by themselves each week, without the kids period.

Additionally I would have fired back if I am a bad mother for only taking care of the kids 164 hours a week what does that make you as a father?

Second in the thesis if he is working 40-60 hours a week he should be spending 14 hours a week quality time with his kids period.

It the mother in law is not bringing in an income, doesn't do any of the house work, and isn't disabled than she is a leech.

You have a right to be upset. He was wrong and the nerve of him to use such a thing.

Men ....Grrr....

draconis
 

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draconis,
yes I also think that he didnt mean to hurt me in the way i was hurt.

The problem with our childcare arrangements and roles are that he works out of town and only comes home fortnightly.

From next week we will be staying together and he had promised to help me more with the kids and household........i must also find out how much can i ask him to help, i dont want him to over work himself because he has a full time project based job which can be very stressful at times.

My mil doesnt work or bring any money home, she lives in her house a few min away so she comes in as and when she wants. Lately, i dont entertain her so much so she had cut down on her visits, she now comes in only when i need her to baby sit. I m better off seeing her less times a month or week.

The problem with men is they dont talk much (not all), then how on earth are we supposed to understand them:scratchhead:??
 

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Discussion Starter · #17 ·
The problem with men and communication is simply by how you communicate with them. Men have less connectivity in the right to left brains so they don't function as well as women doing multible things but can consentrate on one thing very well. This is not something made up, it is actual science fact.

draconis
 

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Yes I have read this in books but is it multiple tasking to just tell how you feel?? Whenever, we quarrel or upset its me who always have to make the move to settle the issue or talk about the probem, he simply can go on for days like nothing is wrong. Moreover, I have to really be patient and wait for minutes or hours before he can say a word...........perhaps his vocabulary is very limited?? Arghhhhhhhh this is a torture to me.

Hey I m talking abt my husband basically so no offence ok? I know that there are great men like u out there who can communicate very well, may be my DH is the primitive type :p
 

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Discussion Starter · #19 ·
Yes I have read this in books but is it multiple tasking to just tell how you feel?? Whenever, we quarrel or upset its me who always have to make the move to settle the issue or talk about the probem, he simply can go on for days like nothing is wrong. Moreover, I have to really be patient and wait for minutes or hours before he can say a word...........perhaps his vocabulary is very limited?? Arghhhhhhhh this is a torture to me.

Hey I m talking abt my husband basically so no offence ok? I know that there are great men like u out there who can communicate very well, may be my DH is the primitive type :p
Try this go into a quiet room hold his hands when you talk to him. With no distractions he will be more focused on what you say. Holding his hands is a chrismatic/psychological trick that helps a person stay focused on you. Emergancy crews are taught this tech for good reason. Try this and see if you get better and quicker results.

draconis
 

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hi sorry for disappearing suddenly.....

its been 2 weeks since we moved in together and so far so good.

I actually tried your method of talking to him...well it worked (atleast thats what i think). He listened to me and then said now he understands what i m exactly going thru....he was a bit restless after listening to me for a few min but soon came back to me and said that he will do anything to make this a happy and wonderful relationship again.

As he said he is being very nice and am doing something for him everyday ( tho some days are really tuff and i forget). but no time to post here everyday as i m yet to get a new pc.

thanks!
 
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