[asghar]

Hello everyone, first time here, sorry for my English too.

I found this great website with great people like you all, to help me in the mind blowing situation I am in.

Brief story about my bad problem: I am 28 my spouse is 19, We got married 14 months ago. She was from a poor family in a village. My family and I are not poor (my mother is a doctor).

So what happpened was like I felt in love with this girl and we got married after 3 months of knowing each other, I helped her family alot, paid lots of money for their debts and needs and lots of other things... just because I loved Her.

So after 2 months of marriage She changed dramatically and started acting crazy and aggressively. (She said the reason for this was that she found out about a girl that i was with 2 years ago. Although I was finished with that girl completely and there was nothing between us what so ever.)

She started verbally abusing me and acting fiery all the time.

She slapped me and beat me up and I just hold Her hands or pushed Her away. I could not talk to my parents because She would just suddenly scream that "it is enough talking, I have headache" while I was talking on the phone. I was so scared I used to go in the street and talk to my parents who are in a different country.

Once I took her with my uncle to a vacation, She started fighting with me in the middle of a park and bashed a chips pocket into my face, people were all looking and She did not give a damn. And lots and lots of these disgusting attitudes all the time to the point that I was scared to take her to my family members for a walk or to go out with Her for a dinner.

She tells me I am so quiet and calm and never talk much. (She believes this is bad and I need to be noisy and happy like a a young boy).

If I look at a girl in the restaurant or say thanks to a female worker she would start a fight. I have to cut my hair and shave with out Her knowing, because She would start to verbally abuse me why I did cut my hair for. She once punched me in the head in front of my brother for watching soccer match.

She always acts very bad and aggressively in the public or in front of my family members, this kills me.

So I was very tired and I took Her to her parents house and left Her for one month. After that She said sorry and told me if I buy her the home appliances that she wants, she would never annoy or beat or act crazy again. So I did that (around 19k dollars) But as you all would think, things got worst, once in the Highway after an arguement She got the steering wheel and turned it around that we were about to both hit an incoming car with the speed of 110kph...

So after 12 months of constant tourchure I left for 2 months and never came to pick her up.

With all the good things i done to her and her family i was very sad and dissappointed after what She done to me. She would start a fight and pick up shaving blade and threatens to kill me while I am a sleep (but I know she would not do that). She would tell me that I was look like Corocodile and I was looking old and I was a lier and cr*p like this all the time ...

No one can never imagine how annoying this girl is, She talks in a very bad language with me and keeps calling my mobile phone 20 to 30 times every time i get out of the home. She constantly calls my mother and my sister bit*h. She only has seen them twice.

I did never behave badly or never told her anything that hurts her feelings, but she always hurted my feelings.
I am a normal kind person, if she is in a good mood she always admits that I am the best person she ever met.

She is always suspicious that I am cheating on her and I am tired of that. Also she has apologized to me over 1000 times but never hold her promise.

So last week for the last time i took her back and told her this is the last chance we have, she said ok, guess what!? after 3 days when one night i was going out to buy a t.v cable, I refused to take her with me, so she came and throw her self infront of my car, I was about to ride over her and kill her but i stopped and started crying asking for God's help like a broken hobo.

My family are extremly unhappy i married her and they all are sad about this and they told me to get myself out of this.

Her family admit that their daughter is kind of crazy. They feel sorry for me but they say; "keep living and things will get better".

I told her we need to divorce but she does not want to let me go at all, She cries alot, She tells me she is sorry and she will die with out me and she does not understand I dont love her any more but she keeps saying we will make it work but I feel nothing towards her anymore. Right now I just feel pity for her, thats it.

So now:
What happens in this stage is I completely lost all the love I had for her, I can not respect her any more, I have no hope for our future, I can not even look at her or kiss her, She has done so bad to me that I kind of hate her and she is not important to me any more. My heart is fully broken and love is not comming back at all. I tried afew times to love her again but I feel numb to love her. Hate has took the place of love in my heart and I CAN NOT HELP IT...

Please Please Please let me know your thoughts and what should I do?

Sorry for taking your time.

 

[CallaLily]

First of all she is a 19 yr old kid who has yet to grow up. She sounds immature. My suggestion is, if you want to stay in this abusive mess then stay and put up with it, if not, get out of the situation and find you someone closer to your age.

 

[Ricki123]

Leave now!!!!! She will never change, she needs serious professional help. You are still so young, you can start over. There doesn't seem to be anything good at all.. And there's no kids.. Run and don't look back.

 

[LiamN]

The woman is not only immature but it sounds very much like she is suffering from at least one personality disorder. Don't feel guilty for wanting to leave.
One word: run...

 

[unbelievable]

She is abusive and controlling. She may also be crazy. Love doesn't hit. It doesn't threaten. It doesn't ask for bribes or payment. Her bad behavior isn't because you didn't do enough or give enough. It has nothing to do with you. Her choices are her choices and she is responsible for them. It is not your job to teach your wife how to behave. That was her parents' job. The natural consequence of treating others badly is that they will leave. We learn this when we are very small children. The fact that she is an adult and hasn't learned how decent people should behave means she lacks empathy and she hasn't learned to accept responsibility for her actions. I doubt she even knows what "guilt" feels like. If you delay, this crazy woman may bear your children and then she will forever have them to control and threaten you with. She will also control and abuse them. Get out.

 

[Conrad]

She is abusive and controlling. She may also be crazy. Love doesn't hit. It doesn't threaten. It doesn't ask for bribes or payment. Her bad behavior isn't because you didn't do enough or give enough. It has nothing to do with you. Her choices are her choices and she is responsible for them. It is not your job to teach your wife how to behave. That was her parents' job. The natural consequence of treating others badly is that they will leave. We learn this when we are very small children. The fact that she is an adult and hasn't learned how decent people should behave means she lacks empathy and she hasn't learned to accept responsibility for her actions. I doubt she even knows what "guilt" feels like. If you delay, this crazy woman may bear your children and then she will forever have them to control and threaten you with. She will also control and abuse them. Get out.

Get out now.

 

[Uptown]

Asghar, welcome to the TAM forum. I'm so sorry to hear you and your W are going through such a painful experience for you both. (Your English, by the way, is good.)

She started verbally abusing me and acting fiery all the time.

Asghar, the behaviors you describe -- e.g., the physical abuse, lack of impulse control, verbal abuse, temper tantrums, unreasonable jealousy, and rapid flips between loving and hating you -- are classic traits of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Whether these traits are so strong as to meet 100% of the diagnostic criteria for "having full blown BPD" can only be determined by a professional.

This does not imply, however, that you cannot spot the red flags for strong traits. There is nothing subtle about traits such as verbal abuse, temper tantrums, and inability to trust.

She slapped me and beat me up.

Such physical abuse of one's spouse is strongly associated with BPD. A 1993 Canadian study found that half of the spouse batterers (i.e., those beating on their spouses) had full blown BPD. See Romeo's Bleeding - When Mr. Right Turns Out To Be Mr. Wrong -- Health & Wellness -- Sott.net.

We got married 14 months ago. ...after 3 months of knowing each other. ...So after 2 months of marriage she changed dramatically and started acting crazy and aggressively.

During the courtship period, a BPDer's infatuation over her new partners usually holds her two fears (abandonment and engulfment) at bay. She has no fear of you because she is convinced you are her soul mate, her savior, her near-perfect man. This period typically lasts 3 to 6 months before the infatuation evaporates, allowing the fears to return. You therefore were lucky to get as much as 5 months of peace and happiness. Many members of this forum have gotten much less before the temper tantrums started.

I could not talk to my parents because She would just suddenly scream that "it is enough talking, I have headache"

If your W has strong BPD traits, she will be very controlling of your private life because she is terribly afraid you will abandon her. Hence, one of the first things BPDers try to do is to isolate you away from all friends and family. They might undermine that control by saying things like "that's the most ridiculous excuse I've ever heard."

She tells me I am so quiet and calm and never talk much. (She believes this is bad and I need to be noisy and happy like a a young boy).

If she is a BPDer, she is convinced she is "The Victim." She therefore has a powerful need to "validate" that false self image by blaming every misfortune and mistake on you. With you always being "The Perpetrator," her status as "The Victim" is secured.

If I look at a girl in the restaurant or say thanks to a female worker she would start a fight.

A BPDer's greatest fear is abandonment. Indeed, 70% of BPDers report that they were abandoned or abused in childhood. On top of that, their emotional instability means that they can never trust themselves and, until they learn to do that, they cannot trust anyone else for an extended period. The result is that BPDers exhibit irrational jealousy and put their spouses through an endless series of $hit tests. Passing a test only means that the bar will be raised higher on the next text.

She said sorry and told me if I buy her the home appliances that she wants, she would never annoy or beat or act crazy again. So I did that (around 19k dollars).

If she is a BPDer, it is impossible to build up a lasting store of good will or appreciation. BPDers are reactive to whatever intense feeling they having at the moment. So it is always "What have you done for me lately?"

She would start a fight and pick up shaving blade and threatens to kill me while I am a sleep (but I know she would not do that).

NO! You don't know that at all. With emotionally unstable people who are incapable of trusting you, you never know when they will suddenly turn on you, perceiving you to be Hitler incarnate -- and treating you accordingly. After 15 years of abuse from my exW, for example, I thought I knew what she was capable of. It was to my great shock, then, that she she called the police and had me thrown into jail for three days on a bogus charge. When I got out, I found she had filed a restraining order barring me from returning to my home.

She came and throw her self in front of my car, I was about to ride over her and kill her but i stopped.

When I had bad arguments with my BPDer exW (over her running up thousands of dollars of charges in a spending spree), she would walk to a nearby bridge, knowing I was following protectively behind her. When I stopped following her to the bridge, she started calling me from a payphone on the platform at a nearby subway station. She would tell me she was going to jump in front of the next train and then hang up. When I stopped running to the station, she stopped doing that too.

Her family admit that their daughter is kind of crazy.

If she has strong BPD traits, she is not "crazy" at all. "Crazy" means a person has lost touch with physical reality, e.g., believing that the newscaster on TV is speaking to her personally. In contrast, BPDers see physical reality just fine.

BPDers nonetheless do have a distorted perception of other peoples' intentions and motivations. Those two distortions are caused by their two great fears: abandonment and engulfment.

They feel sorry for me but they say; "keep living and things will get better".

Don't believe it. If she has strong BPD traits, things likely will get much worse. It is extremely unlikely a BPDer will ever have the self awareness and ego strength required to work on her issues. I would be surprised if as many as 1 in 100 BPDers will stay in therapy (several years at least) long enough to make a difference. Most of them won't even start.

Please let me know your thoughts and what should I do?

Asghar, I agree with Ricki, Conrad, Liam, and Unbelievable that you should leave now and focus on healing yourself. Yet, if you are feeling too guilty about walking away from a sick loved one, I suggest you see a psychologist to obtain a professional opinion on what it is you are dealing with. He likely will help ease your departure by explaining that, by staying with her, you are creating a toxic environment that is harmful to HER as well as to you.

I also would suggest, if you are having a hard time leaving, that you read about BPD traits so you have a better understanding of the toxic relationship you've been in. An easy place to start reading is my description of BPD traits at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/33734-my-list-hell.html#post473522. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to discuss it with you and point you to excellent online resources. Take care, Asghar.

 

[Lilies12]

If she is as abusive as you say she is, you need to leave her! If you truly love someone, you are not abusive towards them! The next time she physically hits you, call the police! Press charges, and have a protective order put in place and then file for divorce! If you don't want to press charges you don't have to but there will be there will be a record of it, if you leave and for divorce purposes. I know it can be hard to decide to leave a spouse but her being abusive towards you is wrong! Goodluck!

 

[EleGirl]

asghar,

As you know there is something very wrong with this girl. Her parents know but were more than happy to pass their problem on to you.

For your own well being you need to divorce her.

If you stay with her, one of these days something bad will happen when she is being physically abusive. You really do not want to be hurt yourself and you do not want to hurt her by accident.

And God forbid... what if she gets pregnant. Is this really the woman you want to entrust your children to?

People can make mistakes.. you did when you married her. For one thing you only knew her for a few months so you really did not know what she was like before you married her.

So make it right now and divorce her. Let her parents deal with their mentally ill daughter. She is not your responsibility. Her parents were obligated to tell you that she is mentally ill and did not. They share some responsibility here.

 

[asghar]

Thanks CallaLily, Yeh I agree, She is Very immature, I will get my self out of this asap.

 

[asghar]

Leave now!!!!! She will never change, she needs serious professional help. You are still so young, you can start over. There doesn't seem to be anything good at all.. And there's no kids.. Run and don't look back.

Right, She will never change, I am sure some one like this can never be worth to invest my life on, love has fallen out of me so it will be easy to run and start over. Thanks Ricki.

 

[asghar]

The woman is not only immature but it sounds very much like she is suffering from at least one personality disorder. Don't feel guilty for wanting to leave.
One word: run...

I won't feel guilty for wanting to leave any more, She is not even considering her own life, why would I be there for some one who is having real personality issues and thinks she is all fine. I take your word, Run is the best thing to do in the mess I am in. Thank you Liam for helping me in this.