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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I read something last night, and I can't remember if it was on TAM. But what I read was:

"The popular notion is that the person who has the affair wasn’t getting enough at home. The reality is that they weren’t giving enough at home."

We constantly hear that the person who had the affair cries, "I wasn't getting my needs met at home".

But my question is two-fold:

For the wayward spouse: Were you 'giving' enough at home before you had the affair?

For the betrayed spouse: Were you 'getting' enough at home before your spouse had the affair?

Vega
 

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I am a BS, and if you would have asked me that at D-Day or right there after I could not have pulled my head long enough to even acknowledge the question. This site saved me, period...end of story.

But now some time has passed and I have had time to consider things like this, and as bad as I can admit to being, and as bad as she says I was, I would have to say "no". My wife started off trying to blame her affairs on our marriage going down hill, but the reality was it was a death spiral. She cheated, pulled away. I noticed it and tried to do things to show her I cared, was rebuffed, could not figure it out and became resentful. And on and on...

My wife has always been more attuned to the needs of the kids than to mine. I followed suit, but perhaps kept that space and time for myself as we all do. This was seen as lack of love and inattentiveness to her, when really it was was never that.

I would say if I had to be honest she stopped being in the marriage for me and for us long before I started down that path. But the true difference? She cheated, I never once looked at another woman....ever.
 

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BS here.

To answer your question... a big fat NOPE.

My STBXW is selfish. She only cared about getting her needs met, not trying to give anything back. I'm a giver, she's a taker.

I was a fantastic husband and father. Great provider. Family man. Did everything in my power to ensure her happiness.

Not enough for her, though.

Pretty sad, really.....
 

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Up until the day my wife told me she was going to have her affair, everything was perfect. Great sex, we went out to social events, museums, everything.

Then, in a matter of minutes, when she told me of her plans to have her affair, it all went to s**t.:(

F**k! Flashback....
 

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I'm a BW. Nope, I was not getting my needs met. In fact, what pissed me off most was that someone else was getting the sex that should have been mine and I wasn't getting it at all. I suspect that I'd have been less upset if we were at it all the time and he still had surplus energy that was channeled elsewhere, but he was getting off with others instead of me and leaving me stranded in the swamp of frustration. Also, I got the nasty attitudes and picked fights and anger and criticism that came from his trying to feel less guilty about screwing over a decent person. On the other hand, I was bending over backwards for him and wearing myself down, but it was the opposite of appreciated. Before the cheating, we were doing great -- or, at least, I didn't have much to complain about.
 

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I’m a BS in 2 different marriages.
When the ‘experts’ say that the WS is not getting their needs met, they do not only mean sexual needs are not being met. They mean a lot of needs like sex, respect/admiration, conversation, time together, domestic support, financial support and so forth. The entire list of things have to be looked at.
I’m high drive.


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In the first marriage he cheated the entire marriage… from day one. I found this out late in the marriage.

We were having sex just about daily, sometimes 2 times a day. When he started medical school it was daily when he was not at school. Then later in the marriage HE stopped all intimacy. As the marriage went on he also stopped meeting other needs like spending time with me, showing respect. He was also emotionally & physically abusive. I also supported him financially once he was in medical school.

So no, he has not meeting any of my needs. I had little chance to meet his as time went on because he was just not around much from year 7 to year 14.


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In the second marriage, again sex was just about daily. Turns out he cheated the entire time we were engaged and the first 2 years of the marriage until I discovered the cheating.

Once we married he was not meeting my needs of spending time with me, going on dates, helping raise HIS children and around the house. He did not buy me gifts or even give cards for special occasions.

Then he lost his job in year 2 and I ended up supporting him and his children.

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Sometimes the WS’s is not allowing the BS to meeting their needs. Sometimes the WS has needs that no one can meet… they are just broken people.
And yes sometimes a WS legitimately has unmet needs because they are married to a person who is either selfish or not paying attention.
 

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Sadly as a BS no, I wasn't. He helped with the kids, but the bedroom sucked as did his appreciation of anything that I would do for him. In fact I brought that up during talks about the affair. I asked him if he would want sex if it ended everytime will him having blue balls.
 

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Same here, BS. I was lustfully in love with my first wife. We had a lot in common and did things together. I thought she was happy. And a very devout and pious woman. But deep down she wanted a new lifestyle that revolved around gobs of money. If you knew her I bet you would have said she was the last person on earth who would run off with a married man. Not that I was perfect, but my love for her was evident.
 

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as a BS yes i was meeting his needs in EVERY area. in the bedroom 2 to 3 times weekly, buying sexy clothing offering oral and having fun. looking after 3 kids, helping build a house, spending time with him, ......

what more did he want ??!!
 

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All his needs were met. And more. Mine were not. I was B
 

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No, as a BH, my needs certainly weren't being met, but ultimately it's my job to meet my own needs, just as it is for everyone, marriage partners are merely there to help support and facilitate our spouse's needs. In my marriage there were two main issues I that caused this: 1) she no longer wanted to try to due to lost respect and attraction, plus whatever dysfunctions she brought into it 2) my dysfunctions, such as not pursuing her more or making her feel sexually desired by me - and for me it stems from a lot of the typical nice guy issues, of which I got a bad case of putting other's needs way ahead of my own to the point that I have a truly difficult even recognizing or acknowledging my needs, and almost two years out, with therapy, self reflection, meditiation... I still have not really made much progress in this.
 

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WH here. (59yo).
No, my needs weren't being met.
In retrospect, my W was in perimenopause and I had no clue.
We were never good communicators. I began a long term A, and detached.
In turn, after abt 3 yrs of my A beginning, my W started her own A.
(I know - this is a mess)

Truly not trying to excuse my A, I take full responsibility, but I want to impress upon everyone here how important communication is between partners. Had I known how my W was really feeling, I do not think I would have ever started my A. But, instead, I emotionally abandoned my W when she needed me most. After I emotionally checked out - she did too, and found someone else to meet her needs.

True communication would have likely prevented this situation from ever happening.
Posted via Mobile Device
 

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BW here...Nope mine were not getting met and I went to STBXH asking what was wrong and I got the "it is not you it is me". Then it felt like he was faking it and I started pushing him away. Then he wanted a D and then I found out about the cheating for months...
 

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BS here, my needs were not being met in any shape or form. No talking, affection, sex, anything. Anything I would try to do to get her to open up she'd ignore or throw back in my face. The months leading up to D-Day were the worst in my life. Both me and my daughter were being neglected so she could go and get her "high" from posOM.

I once had to ASK for a hug during this period. So no, physical and emotional needs were not only not being met, but fully ignored.
 

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I am a BS, and if you would have asked me that at D-Day or right there after I could not have pulled my head long enough to even acknowledge the question. This site saved me, period...end of story.

But now some time has passed and I have had time to consider things like this, and as bad as I can admit to being, and as bad as she says I was, I would have to say "no". My wife started off trying to blame her affairs on our marriage going down hill, but the reality was it was a death spiral. She cheated, pulled away. I noticed it and tried to do things to show her I cared, was rebuffed, could not figure it out and became resentful. And on and on...

My wife has always been more attuned to the needs of the kids than to mine. I followed suit, but perhaps kept that space and time for myself as we all do. This was seen as lack of love and inattentiveness to her, when really it was was never that.

I would say if I had to be honest she stopped being in the marriage for me and for us long before I started down that path. But the true difference? She cheated, I never once looked at another woman....ever.
This post saved me from doing a lot of typing.

Thanks.

Nail, meet head.
 

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BS, I don't really know what my emotional needs are but I'm going to guess these are my main ones:

Affection - Yes
Sexual Fulfillment - Enough that I wasn't too resentful
Conversation - No
Honesty and Openness - Ha Ha, NO
Physical Attractiveness (I assume this means spouse, not how spouse views you or how you self-image)- Yes, she looks great, at her best during FalseR and immediately after Dday2
Domestic Support - NO

The kicker is I thought we were actually in a 'good' marriage, no issues we couldn't have talked about at any point. She just closed off and OM became her best friend- "The primary person I share my thoughts with" in a Skype letter to him. I sure as hell had no idea.
 

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Not by a LOOOOOONG shot.

I have a lot of "face-palm" moments when thinking about my relationship with my ex. It was extremely one-sided in his favour and I seemed happy to be tossed some "crumbs" once in a while.

Never again.
 
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