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I just wanted to post a little bit of my story to give inspiration and encouragement to others who are trying to stay married.

My husband was involved in his affair for about a year before I finally got the nerve to find out for sure and get the details. Things were terribly wrong in our marriage and I had the feeling that he was having an affair, but it took a long time for me to admit it to myself.

After I confronted him with the facts and evidence I had, things were terrible. We were back and forth for months. He continued to lie and I continued to call his hand on every lie I caught him in.

I had decided that I would not leave or file for divorce. I told him that if the other woman was worth all the pain he had caused me then he could do the work to get divorced to be with her.

After about 10 months of more pain and torture, he finally ended it with her. He gave me proof and started being completely transparent in his actions. He gave me access to his emails, phone, and his schedule. He stopped being secretive and absent. He started showing me love again.

None of this happened over night and it wasn't a fairy tale road. There were setbacks along the way. It took years to rebuild trust.

His affair ended about 4 years ago. We are happy together again. We have fun and laugh and love. I still keep an eye on what he does and I rarely have to look at his email or his phone anymore. The reason I don't have to look into those things is that he often asks me to look on his phone to get something or get information out of his email.

His behavior and general attitude is completely different and he's back to being the man I fell in love with.

I hope this gives a little bit of hope to someone who is struggling. Of course, every situation is different and every spouse is different. I just want people to see that it can happen.

The warning is that it doesn't come easy and it isn't guaranteed to stay good if the affair didn't change how you treat your marriage. Of course, that's a whole different subject - how you should be different when your marriage gets a second chance - and I will just leave that for another time!
 

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I just wanted to post a little bit of my story to give inspiration and encouragement to others who are trying to stay married.

My husband was involved in his affair for about a year before I finally got the nerve to find out for sure and get the details. Things were terribly wrong in our marriage and I had the feeling that he was having an affair, but it took a long time for me to admit it to myself.

After I confronted him with the facts and evidence I had, things were terrible. We were back and forth for months. He continued to lie and I continued to call his hand on every lie I caught him in.

I had decided that I would not leave or file for divorce. I told him that if the other woman was worth all the pain he had caused me then he could do the work to get divorced to be with her.

After about 10 months of more pain and torture, he finally ended it with her. He gave me proof and started being completely transparent in his actions. He gave me access to his emails, phone, and his schedule. He stopped being secretive and absent. He started showing me love again.

None of this happened over night and it wasn't a fairy tale road. There were setbacks along the way. It took years to rebuild trust.

His affair ended about 4 years ago. We are happy together again. We have fun and laugh and love. I still keep an eye on what he does and I rarely have to look at his email or his phone anymore. The reason I don't have to look into those things is that he often asks me to look on his phone to get something or get information out of his email.

His behavior and general attitude is completely different and he's back to being the man I fell in love with.

I hope this gives a little bit of hope to someone who is struggling. Of course, every situation is different and every spouse is different. I just want people to see that it can happen.

The warning is that it doesn't come easy and it isn't guaranteed to stay good if the affair didn't change how you treat your marriage. Of course, that's a whole different subject - how you should be different when your marriage gets a second chance - and I will just leave that for another time!
I'm glad you were able to work it out. You are a strong women. Thanks for coming back to post. Good luck to you.
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Great work,

Quote: "I told him that if the other woman was worth all the pain he had caused me then he could do the work to get divorced to be with her. "

I'm in a similiar situation - as I find myself not really liking the fact I have to submit to a divorce. In the meanwhile, my wife, is continuing the affair.

How did you cope when Hubby was having an affair still while you were effectively abandoned? The reason I ask is I am doing the same thing...albeit, I'm with my children.
 

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I just wanted to post a little bit of my story to give inspiration and encouragement to others who are trying to stay married.

My husband was involved in his affair for about a year before I finally got the nerve to find out for sure and get the details. Things were terribly wrong in our marriage and I had the feeling that he was having an affair, but it took a long time for me to admit it to myself.

After I confronted him with the facts and evidence I had, things were terrible. We were back and forth for months. He continued to lie and I continued to call his hand on every lie I caught him in.

I had decided that I would not leave or file for divorce. I told him that if the other woman was worth all the pain he had caused me then he could do the work to get divorced to be with her.

After about 10 months of more pain and torture, he finally ended it with her. He gave me proof and started being completely transparent in his actions. He gave me access to his emails, phone, and his schedule. He stopped being secretive and absent. He started showing me love again.

None of this happened over night and it wasn't a fairy tale road. There were setbacks along the way. It took years to rebuild trust.

His affair ended about 4 years ago. We are happy together again. We have fun and laugh and love. I still keep an eye on what he does and I rarely have to look at his email or his phone anymore. The reason I don't have to look into those things is that he often asks me to look on his phone to get something or get information out of his email.

His behavior and general attitude is completely different and he's back to being the man I fell in love with.

I hope this gives a little bit of hope to someone who is struggling. Of course, every situation is different and every spouse is different. I just want people to see that it can happen.

The warning is that it doesn't come easy and it isn't guaranteed to stay good if the affair didn't change how you treat your marriage. Of course, that's a whole different subject - how you should be different when your marriage gets a second chance - and I will just leave that for another time!
Your story sounds very similar to mine. Now we are back together and I would say ours is a successful R after 2 years total of hell. A lot of the time--especially in the first year of R--it is 3 steps forward and 2 steps backward. But my husband is a different man now, also regularly asks me to reply to text messages in his phone, read email, etc. I am still recovering from his PA, but we are doing really well.

So glad to read another happy reconciliation story on here. I wish you well and hope that your bond with your husband only grows stronger with time.
 

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I have to ask

do you feel like you prolonged the process/limbo by telling him he needed to do the divorce instead of filing yourself?

That's 10 months you could have stopped his affair from continuing if you showed him you meant business by filing
 

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I read Divorce Busters while we were seperated and in the limbo stage. Even though mine may have fallen away from an EA, it was more from the result of a Mid Life Crisis, which I believe is the reason many affairs happen.

The bottom line that kept me in the fight was having time on my side. After 3 months I gave her a choice, time together or divorce. It was a wake up call. I never wanted to be the one to call for divorce, so I gave her the choice to make.

She has been home for weeks now and we are slowly working back. More good than bad. Her fog seems to lift a little at a time.

Thanks for sharing this positive recap!
 

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Thanks for posting your story. I'm on the other side of the fence as a WS and only at 9 months out from d-day. I am right in the "3 steps forward, 2 back" stage and some days it is really tough, but I'm trying to hang in there, as I know it's going to take some time before any kind of "normality" returns to our relationship.

Thanks again for sharing.
 

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Great work,

Quote: "I told him that if the other woman was worth all the pain he had caused me then he could do the work to get divorced to be with her. "

I'm in a similiar situation - as I find myself not really liking the fact I have to submit to a divorce. In the meanwhile, my wife, is continuing the affair.

How did you cope when Hubby was having an affair still while you were effectively abandoned? The reason I ask is I am doing the same thing...albeit, I'm with my children.
Dalvin - it was a very difficult time for me and looking back on it I was just stubborn. I wouldn't give in and I wanted to make it hard for him to get out. I remember thinking that if I make it easy for him to get rid of me then I'll feel weak.

I also thought that if I made it easy for him to leave me then he paid no price for the infidelity. Part of my thinking was that if he truly wants out of our marriage, then it at least needs to be difficult. I didn't want to give him a divorce on a silver platter because I wasn't a disposable wife.
 

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chocolategeek - It's good to see another good story here. It's painful to see the difficulties people are going through and knowing that it just has to happen for them to find their own way.

I'm glad to see that your husband is a new man now. So is mine. I love the new him.

I wish you well, too! Thanks for the good wishes!
 

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I have to ask

do you feel like you prolonged the process/limbo by telling him he needed to do the divorce instead of filing yourself?

That's 10 months you could have stopped his affair from continuing if you showed him you meant business by filing
I do sometimes feel that I prolonged it, but I still don't regret that I didn't file for D. I wanted to stay married. I was thinking about the rest of my life, not just the next year or so. However, I wouldn't have let this go on forever. I did have a 1 year deadline that was for myself. I did have everything ready to go and my plan in place in case I needed to pull the trigger.
 

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I read Divorce Busters while we were seperated and in the limbo stage. Even though mine may have fallen away from an EA, it was more from the result of a Mid Life Crisis, which I believe is the reason many affairs happen.

The bottom line that kept me in the fight was having time on my side. After 3 months I gave her a choice, time together or divorce. It was a wake up call. I never wanted to be the one to call for divorce, so I gave her the choice to make.

She has been home for weeks now and we are slowly working back. More good than bad. Her fog seems to lift a little at a time.

Thanks for sharing this positive recap!
Congratulations on the steps toward R. I truly hope things continue in a positive direction for you both. I think one of the things a BS must remember is to have patience. It's easy to walk into a trap of "poor me" and that will never help you get better. No matter if you end up in D or staying together - feeling sorry for yourself will only hurt you. While a WS is the offender, they often are going through difficulties of their own that can be quite complex. It may not be possible or even necessary to be compassionate, but patience is important to getting a good outcome. You may want a fast recovery, but I believe that fast isn't always sincere and lasting.
 

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tm84 - I wish you and your wife all the best as you go through the process of recovery. It can be a twisted road, but when you get there it was well worth the struggle.

From my perspective as a BS, it is difficult to forgive but it can be done. The harder part, though, is the getting back to "normal" for most of us. We can forgive, but we have to create a new normal. For us, that was ongoing accountability on both our parts. I hadn't cheated, but I still show him my emails, text messages, and live my life in transparency for him. I require the same from him and get it with no argument. That was something that was missing from our life before his A.

It will come for you.
 

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Leigh, thank you for sharing your story with us and it is very encouraging and inspiring.

May i ask you what happened that lifted your husband's affair fog?
What makes him decide that he wants to reconcile for real the second time around? and how do you rebuild trust again? actually most importantly, how do you decide for yourself that you are willing to trust him again to start over?

i might be able to forgive my husband in the future but im not sure if i will be able to trust him again....he has broken my trust again and again, im not sure i can make (or willing) myself to go there again.
 

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Hi DownUnder - my husband's fog took a while to go away. It didn't just go away one day. The process was kind of back and forth. I would think we were making headway and then he'd go back under. It took about 6 months for him to really get his head back on straight.

I think he was in a place where he was trying to decide what he should do and he was also dealing with serious guilt. I think every situation and every person is different when they're trying to decide that they want to make the marriage work or not. In our case my husband was able to remember the commitment and understand that our relationship was really a complete package. One of the things he saw in me was dedication and support. That was our case, and won't be the same for everyone.

Rebuilding trust doesn't happen quickly. I also believe that you can't rebuild trust if you don't consciously decide that you will do that. A very important piece is that you must come to an understanding about what it will take to rebuild trust. Your husband needs to know how he can be trusted again and you need to be clear about what steps he can take to get there. He will need to be transparent. Another thing that many forget is that once you feel you trust him again, the transparency doesn't stop. Every marriage - whether there has been infidelity or not - should be transparent.

The way I decided that I wanted to work on our marriage was simple. I married him for better or worse. I wouldn't be in a marriage with a serial cheater, but I knew I needed to give him a chance if he would take it. That was based on my own values system. After that, if he hadn't been willing to do the work to regain my trust and work towards a better marriage I wouldn't have been interested in saving our marriage.

This is a really difficult decision to make - whether you should stay or go. For me it was simple, but it wasn't easy to make it work.

I would never encourage anyone to stay or go - you know your situation and I don't. It also depends on what kind of marriage you had prior to the infidelity. If things weren't happy before, then it may be more difficult to make it work after an affair.

The one thing I would say is that it may be worth it to give the process some time. Unless there's a pressing reason to get out, then you may benefit from being patient to see where things go.

I know this is a very difficult time, but I promise it does get better.
 

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Hi DownUnder - my husband's fog took a while to go away. It didn't just go away one day. The process was kind of back and forth. I would think we were making headway and then he'd go back under. It took about 6 months for him to really get his head back on straight.

I think he was in a place where he was trying to decide what he should do and he was also dealing with serious guilt. I think every situation and every person is different when they're trying to decide that they want to make the marriage work or not. In our case my husband was able to remember the commitment and understand that our relationship was really a complete package. One of the things he saw in me was dedication and support. That was our case, and won't be the same for everyone.

Rebuilding trust doesn't happen quickly. I also believe that you can't rebuild trust if you don't consciously decide that you will do that. A very important piece is that you must come to an understanding about what it will take to rebuild trust. Your husband needs to know how he can be trusted again and you need to be clear about what steps he can take to get there. He will need to be transparent. Another thing that many forget is that once you feel you trust him again, the transparency doesn't stop. Every marriage - whether there has been infidelity or not - should be transparent.

The way I decided that I wanted to work on our marriage was simple. I married him for better or worse. I wouldn't be in a marriage with a serial cheater, but I knew I needed to give him a chance if he would take it. That was based on my own values system. After that, if he hadn't been willing to do the work to regain my trust and work towards a better marriage I wouldn't have been interested in saving our marriage.

This is a really difficult decision to make - whether you should stay or go. For me it was simple, but it wasn't easy to make it work.

I would never encourage anyone to stay or go - you know your situation and I don't. It also depends on what kind of marriage you had prior to the infidelity. If things weren't happy before, then it may be more difficult to make it work after an affair.

The one thing I would say is that it may be worth it to give the process some time. Unless there's a pressing reason to get out, then you may benefit from being patient to see where things go.

I know this is a very difficult time, but I promise it does get better.
Leigh, can i just ask...was it your husband who asked for another chance? and how did he approach you on that? What i mean is, does he tell you that he will willing to give a full commitment and offer NC with the OW and willing to give you full transparency so that trust can be rebuilt between you?

At this moment i just can't see it happening because the false R that we just went thru is still very fresh and he just moved in with the OW last week.
 

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Sorry for seeming to abandon my post! I was away from my computer for the week and just able to get back to it today.
I think it is a good thing to leave the electronic behind every once in a while. We get to be the wayward ones from our computers. `~)

Welcome back!
 

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Leigh, your thinking is right in line with mine. You say it so much better though.

I look at it as if the WS is suffering with a temporary mental illness which a MLC really is when you think about it, and treat it as if they were suffering from a physical illness. They should get better eventually.

Mental illnesses are looked down in society where obvious physical ones are acceptable. They are all illnesses and should be given the same chance to recover.
 

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Leigh, your thinking is right in line with mine. You say it so much better though.

I look at it as if the WS is suffering with a temporary mental illness which a MLC really is when you think about it, and treat it as if they were suffering from a physical illness. They should get better eventually.

Mental illnesses are looked down in society where obvious physical ones are acceptable. They are all illnesses and should be given the same chance to recover.
TIM, im just wondering...what age does MLC usually strikes?
 
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