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Discussion Starter #1
Well my husband did come home and speak to me about the letter that I put in his lunch pal. He said I totally mistook what he was saying. He says I just don't understand that I am his top priority when he is here at home. He says he can't do anything while he's not with me to show me that I am his top priority. I don't know it just sounds wrong to me. I know when he is at work he needs to focus on his jobs. He will call usually, once in a blue moon he will text. But no matter were I am working, home, visiting somewhere, whatever the case he is always my top priority is that wrong of me? And again by what he is saying to me I just get the same sense that I am only important when he is here, otherwise when I'm out of his sight I'm out of his mind and that is how he makes me feel and I have told him that a few times before but than he tells me something like this (that I am top priority when he is here at home, am I just taking his statement wrong? A difference between our languages? Please any thoughts. Thanks!!!
 

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OP... Let it go and tell him you now understand him...here's the deal. Men 101.

Its just him being a man.
Men think logically...

You are his OVERALL top priority as is his family but when he is away from the home you may not be at that very moment... are you with me?

Men can compartmentalize certain aspects of their lives. We assume we did a good job at home that you are wives are adults and can be self-sufficient until we get home. We are trying to make a living, relieve stress from both home and elsewhere and trying to make our work bearable. Work can be an escape from home in a way. Less stressful in certain aspects like with kids and spouse. A chance for us to talk with guys about whatever. Hopefully not you... that means we are good with you. If you are crazy emotionally clingy then that's the topic. Don't be a topic! Other guys will feel sorry for him. "See dude that's why I'm not married!" "She got you**** whipped"

If you are too clingy then you make our job harder and we don't want to have to defend your actions, all we want is for things to roll smoothly and we don't want to be questioned all the time if we love you every minute of the day. You may not even be the most important women on the planet, his mom is. Possibly even his daughter before you.

Of course we do love you that's why we stay and put up with all your emotional needs which is foreign to us (look at your actions, he cannot fathom why you are upset) You wives are complex and the saying rings true... can't live with them or without them. We still love you and that should go without saying.

But you can bet if you are truly ever in need we would move mountains to help you regardless of the current situation we are in at that time yes you are the most important thing on our mind!
You as a wife have to have faith in your husband.

As for texting we know you are busy just like us so that's why most guys will only text when they need or want to reach out to you. We don't want a constant text session although we do enjoy seeing an occasional text from you. That sometimes makes our day.... it is the most important text we get.

He's simple and logical. He does love you more than anything in the world (sans mom). My Mom doesn't play mind games or hold grudges. I'm in a sexless marriage and I still love my wife more than ever. Would always be there for her if she needed me work can be an escape since we are struggling a bit. She makes my life harder by having me think about how to get sex all the time from her thats my second job now.
She needs to figure that out quick (how to drop unwarranted resentment/ditch EA) or she can be single. I still love her either way. But guess what she's a topic.

Men are easy. Give us sex we're good. Withhold sex we get grumpier and hide it but never question our love for you. Men are so easy to understand you have it easier than we do.

Best advice is to treat your husband as a man not a woman.
Don't make him talk about his crazy clingy wife to his buddies. Let him breathe.
Don't mess up your marriage. Men will forgive you for nearly anything!
We just want it fixed and quick. Move on. Don't CREATE extra drama in his life.

Print this out and show your husband...I read his mind and put it in terms you should grasp even as a woman. Think like a man to understand men.
Now do the right thing.
 

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(To OP) Are you kidding me?
I didn't read the other posts from yesterday.. but just from your post here... sounds like your husband is typical logical person.

Sorry, but I've been at my work for 18 years now. If I thought of my husband everyday while at work... gosh, nothing would get done. Okay, that's extreme. A lot less would get done.

Sorry, but when I'm at work that is my top focus. Unless something is really bothering me from home that I can't get out of my mind.. and those times I am less productive.

My employer pays me to put attention to my job details. Not to daydream of my spouse. Sorry, but I think you are being un-realistic. Either that, or you are still in your first year of marriage & still learning the gives & takes of a long term relationship.
 

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Agreed. When I am doing things for the kids, my top focus is the kids. When I am grocery shopping, my focus is on that. When I am spending time specifically set aside for my husband and me, my focus is on him. The point is that he CAN'T be my entire focus. My life CAN'T revolve around him. If that happens, then I am no longer me...but merely an extension of him. And, after 13 years with the man, I'd likely be diagnosed as co-dependent...
 

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AK41, I might be mistaken and mixing up your thread with another, but does your husband work two shifts and you only get a few hours a week together?

No one goes to work for the fun of it. There are a few select people who do enjoy their job, but it's still a job. Look at it from your husband's perspective for a minute.

Why does he work? To provide
Why does he want to provide? To take care of his family
Why does he want to take care of his family? BECAUSE THEY'RE HIS TOP PRIORITY!!!

You are his top priority when he's home and you are his top priority when he's gone. He shows this by providing for his family. Now let's look at what the REAL issue is.

It's not that your not his top priority. You are starving for his attention. You get it when he's home, but your not getting it enough as a whole. Now this issue isn't necessarily TRULY about quantity. I'd question the quality and type. Have you read The Five Love Languages?

I'd suggest reading it and figure out what your language is. I can tell you your husbands is acts of service. He's providing for his family and that's how he shows love. The problem is I would bet yours is quality time, and because you're not getting it, your love tank is empty. You need to figure this out before it gets worse inside yourself. Unfortunately, with how much your husband works, he's not going to see a problem and dedicate extra time to fixing it (but I could be wrong). So you're going to have to be proactive and design time with him when he's home that satisfies your needs. Start planning date nights with him. Start planning specific blocks of time where you two can dedicate time to each other. I definitely recommend you reading "The Five Love Languages" though, I bet it'll be an eye opener.
 

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But no matter were I am working, home, visiting somewhere, whatever the case he is always my top priority is that wrong of me?
I think it's unrealistic and possibly unhealthy to expect your spouse to be about you 24/7. Do you get upset when he wants to go hang out with his friends or go play ball or something?

Please consider not starting new threads, just continue the old one. Most of us aren't going to back and search for your other ones to understand what you're talking about and, thus, you'll start getting more and more disjointed or wrong advice.
 

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I think it's unrealistic and possibly unhealthy to expect your spouse to be about you 24/7. Do you get upset when he wants to go hang out with his friends or go play ball or something?

Please consider not starting new threads, just continue the old one. Most of us aren't going to back and search for your other ones to understand what you're talking about and, thus, you'll start getting more and more disjointed or wrong advice.
Here, I'll make it a bit easier. ;)
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/57994-am-i-expecting-much-little.html

There are a few other threads too.
 

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Thanks. Ok, here's what I see. Let me preface it with this; it's basic psychology, we ALL do it, so you can't argue and say you two are different: we make time for what makes us happy, and we avoid what makes us unhappy.

Got that?

Ok, now here's what I see. You said this in another(!) thread:
I have one failed marriage behind me
things were so good
There is just so much confusion, frustration, anger, resentment, hurt. Neither one of us can let go of things. I think we both walk on eggshells with each other. It used to be so natural and easy and now it is to the point we don't even know how to be with each other, We don't communicate, affection has even become strained.
I truly don't want to believe that is gone in him or the wonderful girl that he fell in love with and just couldn't wait to marry
What is there for him to come home to? Eggshells, anger, resentment, a wife who 'can't let go' (your words)...

Tell me why he would want to come home to that?

Also, you mention a failed marriage. What failed? Who failed? What was YOUR part in the failure? If you can't be honest about this, you aren't going to be able to fix THIS one.
 

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Discussion Starter #9
I wasn't innocent with my last marriage. I did have my issues but that didn't give him the right to go cheat on me with a co-worker. I thought we were ok and than one day he left, I had my suscipsions. He only worked there a short time. I could have been more affectionate and I know I have the same problem with my husband. That is a big problem for me is how to show affection. I love being held and kissed and etc, but I am scared of rejection. I have brought old baggage with me, because every time I have tried to give affection in the past I was asked what do you want or shunned. So yes I take some blame for my last marriage, I was no angel. And I'm certainly not perfect in this marriage but I want to be a good wife to him and make him happy. And I want to be happy!
 

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I wasn't innocent with my last marriage. I did have my issues but that didn't give him the right to go cheat on me with a co-worker. I thought we were ok and than one day he left, I had my suscipsions. He only worked there a short time. I could have been more affectionate and I know I have the same problem with my husband. That is a big problem for me is how to show affection. I love being held and kissed and etc, but I am scared of rejection. I have brought old baggage with me, because every time I have tried to give affection in the past I was asked what do you want or shunned. So yes I take some blame for my last marriage, I was no angel. And I'm certainly not perfect in this marriage but I want to be a good wife to him and make him happy. And I want to be happy!
Well, you say you have a "big problem" showing affection, but you expect him to fix whatever "his" problem is. Why not fix yours first, and then approach him about his. This way, you will show that changes *can* happen, and you might even discover that the problem you're seeing goes away all by itself as you become the most affectionate, positive energy woman he could dream of having.
 

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Okay... So, its time to burn the old baggage.

This guy loves you. He provides for you. He doesn't cheat, he's a hard working man. Instead of worrying if he is thinking of you during the day, or whether or not he is going to show you the affection you want/need that evening... Instead, spend some of your time during the day, thinking of ways you can show HIM your affection to him. Ways to Show you think HE is sexy, or smart, or showing how you love him. (Note, important to do or show in a way & NOT expect it back. If you "expect" it back, then you're not really doing the stuff for him, but to make yourself feel better.)

He will reciprocate if he is not a total clod. If he doesn't start to reciprocate at the times he is alone/home with you.. well then, maybe it's time to have a talk with him about your needs.
 

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a big problem for me is how to show affection
I have brought old baggage with me
I take some blame for my last marriage, I was no angel
I'm certainly not perfect in this marriage but I want to be a good wife to him and make him happy. And I want to be happy!
So I'll ask again, what reason are you giving him to come home and be around YOU?

You can't MAKE him choose you over work (or anything else). He will make his own decisions. As I said, we do what feels good. We avoid what feels bad.

It's a fair bet right now that YOU make him feel BAD, so he stays away.

What are you going to do about that?

You can start by reading this amazing book, which will explain it all to you: His Needs Her Needs, by Harley.
 

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And here's a primer of the book: Men's top Emotional Needs are usually sex, admiration, recreation. What things are you doing to give him those without him having to 'prove' that he loves YOU, first?
 
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