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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hey, I'm brand new to this site and forum. But not new to posting on these types of sites. For a long while, I was an active member on a 'surviving infidelity' website. Which gives you an insight on why I'm here. I'm gonna write it all out and I would greatly appreciate any thoughts/advice or just someone to say they 'heard' me. It's going to be long but sometimes you just need to lay it all out for random strangers to read and hope you someone has heard you or can empathize with what you're going through.

Facts you should know: We've been married for 11 years, together for 12.

When we first got together, I had just separated from my 1st husband and he had been separated from his 1st wife for a few months.

We are a military family. 3 kids.

My husband switched careers about the 4-5 year mark of our marriage and he attended a university for get his degree (all while being in the military, although it wasn't a 'military' university).

He had an affair during our 6th year of marriage (2007) with a fellow (non-military) classmate. The A lasted about 6 mo. I made the decision to make it work, he owned up (after several weeks of trying to get him out of the fog and to stop lying and me having to find the truth on my own), and recommitted himself to our M to try and make it work. Therapy, a re-commitment ceremony and lots of talking and we are making our M work to the best of our abilities. After about a year, I don't remember how it happened but we decided to join the 'adult friend finder' website. We had done a lot of talking about fantasies and such and I guess wanted to see what it was all about. I look back and think and know I was pretty angry back then and I wanted to even the playing field maybe by having sex with another man but w/o it being cheating. IDK. We swapped lots of stories and pictures with different couples and one man in particular (my H and I were completely involved in the whole thing together and I NEVER did or said anything with out him knowing or being right with me). But once we started making plans to meet that guy, I backed out. I just couldn't do it. So we dropped the whole thing.

Fast forward to end of 2010, husband recently returned from deployment. Husband had gotten in FANTASTIC shape during deployment. He had always been slightly over weight with the typical beer belly. But now he was ripped and REALLY freak'n HOT!! Our M is going GREAT! We had relocated in 2009 to a wonderful community. Lots of friends and we're both happy. Over that last 3 years, I still have trust issues b/c of A but it's something we work on. As you can imagine, I am constantly afraid of getting hurt again as before. After the A I was in a VERY dark place for a few months, diagnosed with depression, taking meds. But since moving to new place and 'starting' over, felt 10x better. But basically, since A I have felt that ANY M is a joke. I don't believe in 'love' anymore. Even though I feel love for my H. It's no longer the same. Let's just say I'm very cynical now whereas before I believed in true love, family and ever afters (such a girl thing-I know!). Let's just say the rose color glasses have come off and I view relationships in a very realistic way. Anyway, b/c of all the hurt, I almost ALWAYS have a wall up.
Like I said though, for the most part our M is running pretty well. I almost always operate with a 'circle' type of life. There are times when I love my H very much and can't get enough of him and then I come over the hill and the downside is where I am so disappointed in my life and the fact that he cheated on me, yet loves me and I don't want to touch him or have him near me. Then I start the upswing of that circle and it's good again (does that make sense?).

So going back to the end of 2010. A good friend (lets call her M, her husband is 'D') has a joint 40th bday party. Adults only. We all drinking, having a great time. In the middle of partying it up. At this point there are only about 3 couples left. M&D, my H and I and another of one of our married friends - G (wife) & J (husband). 'G' ends up surprising me with a kiss. We're all a bunch of flirty type people so it's not an overly surprising thing. But I say, that was my 1st ever kiss from a girl. Which leads 'M' to kiss me too. From there on out it was a complete make out session with us girls and the guys are loving it of course. You can all probably guess where this is going. In the end everyone ended up upstairs having sex with everyone. Everyone except my H. He just was basically kissing and fondling G, b/c he says he was worried about me.

It was a very weird and surreal thing for me to experience. During it, I didn't want to be there at all. I wanted to go home. I just had sex with someone who wasn't my husband (J) and I couldn't' wrap my brain around it. The next day, my H and I talked about it and he said he wasn't bothered by it.

After, G and her husband J and I started texting back and forth (including my H) and we had all agreed it was crazy what happened and awkward with M&D but completely hot with each other. Plans were made to meet up on NYE secretly, for a night of more adult fun with each other. We were all excited and looking forward to it. I was loving the attention and the attraction from G. I always wanted to be with another woman and it was a big turn-on for both H's. My H and I were having crazy sex (with each other) all the time b/c of it.

Now what you should know about me. I have only been with 3 people (men) in my life. A boyfriend in HS, my 1st H and my current H. Now that number went to 4 with my friends husband-J. And I guess 5 if you G. So what I am saying is that I have never been a sex crazed person. I was (am?) a very traditional type of person.

NYE rolls around and it is awesome! Although G and I didn't get a lot of one on one girl time. It just ended up being more of a couple swap. But I remember that I really didn't want to watch my H and G having sex. I knew what images like that did to me (after imagining and knowing every detail of H's A a few years back). But G's husband, J really enjoyed watching his wife have sex with my H.

Suffice to say, I know I have/had a major crush on G. I then knew I was definitely Bi. Although the thought of any other women isn't attractive to me. But they live a few hours from us, so after NYE the contact had died down. We had tried a few times to arrange more meetings but nothing happened. But what you should also know is that G, M and i are part of a larger circle of actual friends and we all had made arrangements to go meet at a mutual friends house for a concert over the summer. To say I was nervous to see G again is an understatement. It was kinda awkward (mostly bc I am awkward anyway. She is like a confident sex pot 24/7.) But basically after that, it was just random texts here or there, more on the friend side.

It was all very confusing to me.I know I went into another depression b/c I didn't understand my feelings, I certainly didn't understand that as a married couple who are supposed to love each other, how we can really love each other and do that. Which is weird since I wasn't against meeting up for NYE. I wanted too. But it felt like I had been dumped by G after that. We were like friends w/ benefits and like I said, my experience in the sex department had only been with committed partners. It was strange to have sex just to have sex. Our married sex life dropped to almost nonexistent and I was back to not finding my husband attractive. Everything was a big confusing ball of emotions for me.

During this time, which is about a year later (so the last 2 mo of 2011) I find out that my husband he mentioned something to a fellow female co-worker about 'it not being my 1st time with a woman'. Which apparently set that co-worker into overdrive wanting to get her and her husband together with my H and I. I found this out b/c my husband had 'words with friends' on his ipad and I noticed he was playing it ALOT. So I opened it up and saw he had been playing a game and having a discussion with this co-worker about the possibility of hooking us (me and her) up. I am of course heart broken again. It feels just like he is having another A. He tells me he had kept wanting to tell me, he just didn't know how and that he wanted to do it b/c he thought it would jump start our sex life again. IDK what to do. I know he didn't do any physical stuff with this women but I am completely disgusted. I feel as if he was trying to pimp me out. Just b/c I had one sexual relationship with ONE woman, didn't mean I wanted more with other woman. And the fact that he never told me about it and I had to find out on MY OWN just like I did with his first A, made it all the worse. He thinks he didn't nothing wrong except not telling me sooner. He doesn't think he had any kind of A,(like a EA or something along those lines). I tell him to break off communication with her and that I WILL NOT be having ANY type of sexual relationship with her or anyone else.

So, now I really feel as if M is a big joke and why bother with it. Only, we have kids and I like our life (in regards to our home, income, community, etc...) and Idk what I would do if I left him. How would I support our kids? So I know I'm not going anywhere. But the attraction to him is come and go.

Summer of 2012, we move again. This time, he was picked up for another military program that enables him to get his masters. So back to school he goes. We are uprooted and moved to an area where I know no one. I am very lonely here and bored. He has gained back all the weight he lost 2 years ago and then some. He is gone A LOT. I can't help but worry about another A. I cannot find the energy to find him even remotely attractive. I'm tired of our life always being about him. The reason he had his 1st A was about him. The reason he pimped me out to that co-worker was so him and I could have more sex. The reason I'm here and lonely is bc of him. It just feels as if everything that has happened in our M is b/c of HIM. He has reassured me he will never have another A and that he is not wasting this life that we built together for something so stupid. Yet, I know I don't trust him 100%. I know he can be a weak man and I know that he craves sex/loving attention.

I just can't find it in me to give him affection. I pull away and fight him off when he wants to kiss me. We haven't had sex in about a month now. His physique disgusts me. He tells me he's unhappy with the way he looks but does nothing for it. I am unable to persue my career b/c of where we are and the fact that we're moving again this summer and then again 18mo after that. So I am at home alone all day until the kids come home. It's so pathetic.

Oh, and you should know he is a very lovey-dovey, touchy-feely guy. So he wants to be constantly all over me (he's always been like this) and I've told him plenty of times that I am not like that (mostly b/c of my 'wall') but he is still like that. I know it's bc he wants me to be like that with him but I can't. I know he loves me, says it to me every day. Gives me everything I want. Is a good Dad, a wonderful provider. He's a GOOD man. He does not deserve a closed off, hateful wife like myself. I just don't know what to do. I want to feel attracted to my spouse. I want passion. But I want security and a good life for myself and our kids. I just don't see how after all this, I can find love for him again and passion. I wonder if sometimes too much damage has been done. That I have been broken beyond repair and that my cynical view on love and life is now something that doesn't work for a M?

All I know is, is that I'm pretty depressed (I know I need to go back on meds). I'm lonely. I don't feel anything really for my spouse. But I do know I want to FEEL attraction and passion. I would really like to be attracted with the sparks flying.

I'm not going to go out and have an A. I will not do that. I know how horrible it was for me when my H did it. And I would hate to put my kids though something like that. But the thought of living the rest of my life just having sex just to have it b/c my body is needing that release is just sad. I don't want to leave my life either. My kids need this stable home (H and I dont' really fight and if we do, it's not in front of them) and the security of a good future.

I know I am a horrible, selfish, mean, passive aggressive, zombie of a wife. He deserves better than me. I've told him that. He tells me he's in it for the long haul. I guess I've just lost respect for him too. Idk what it's like to be in a happy M. I thought we were in one at the beginning and since the A it's been 5 years of blah.

I guess I just needed to get that all out there for someone to know about. It's not like I cant tell this to my family or friends. Thank you for reading all this garbage. It's ok if there's nothing to say b/c honestly, what can you say? Get therapy? Talk to each other? Get on meds? Yup. I know. I get that. I guess it just comes down to the fact that I just don't know anymore about any of it. I didnt' think life would be like this, ya know? Is this what M is? People cheating on each other? Not being able to stand the sight of your spouse? Loving him but not loving him? This is life??? This is what it means to be closing in on 40? What a joke.

I worked so hard on saving my M after the first A and I hate myself for it. I am such a pathetic person for forgiving him for it and not being strong enough to kick him to the curb. But I was IN LOVE and didn't want to break up our family. How do you forgive yourself for letting someone break you so badly? Everything after that, I feel is b/c I think I was testing him to just say to me, 'ya know what? You're enough for me." But it never happened. He never had a problem with sharing me with another man, another married couple or pimping me out to someone else.

The biggest lesson I learned is that life is about sex. That's all. Not love. Sex. When you get it. How often you get it. Who you can get it from and hiding it from who you're supposed to love.

The only true love I have is for my kids. That is love.

Everything else is just people's excuse to have more sex. Yup, I'm cynical. But I just don't know if I can look at life the same.

Thanks again for reading.

1,079 Posts
Well, for isn't just about sex. And two, not everyone feels like that. It's sad that you feel everyone is about that.

Your situation spiraled way out of control and from the sound of it, neither one of you committed for real to make the marriage work...starting by joining that adult friend finders site. No wonder you're confused about sex and life and love, for Pete's sake!

Where was your love for your children when you were boffing four other people? What would they have thought knowing mommy and daddy were out there doing that? And now that you've allowed all that into your lives and are screwed up in the head about it (directly related to what you allowed), what the heck are you going to be able to teach your children about life and love now?

You need counceling and extensive therapy. And the main thing you need to do is to stop putting all the blame on your husband. You did it too. You stopped being the victim when you joined that adult's site and was a willing participant in multi-sex partners instead of putting your foot down and saying, don't want that for your family. You basically made it okay to cheat...after all the hard work you guys did trying to repair the marriage from the affair. How can you put any blame on your husband then? You can't. You made it okay.

I hope therapy helps you get back positive feelings about relationships so that maybe someday your kids can see what a healthy relationship is.
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