[Katheryn]

I could really do with another perspective, hopefully from both men and women.

My husband I agree to separate back in March of this year and he moved out in July. There were numerous issues without our marriage, some down to me and some down to him. one of the problems that we had was the fact the had numerous online dalliances with various woman. he always just said it was only flirting and harmless but graphic sexual content goes way beyond flirting in my book!

Any way, we have been working towards a possible reconciliation over the last couple of months. he has given me the log in details of his facebook and email for peace of mind that is is not 'tarting' with any women. I appreciated that but have never gone on to have a look, the gesture was enough for me, until last night. something happened to alert my warning sensors. i went onto his facebook to find a message to a woman where he has offered to buy her a pair of very sexy and very high heeled shoes. he thought they might excite her and she makes him smile. they were only cheap but given her shoe fetish he thought she might appreciate them. she turned them down as her boyfriend wouldn't approve but thanked him nicely.

I then went on to her facebook page and it is essentially a woman with low self esteem. she posts things and then lots of different men reply with lots of compliments and flirtations, my husband included. his comments included things like " your supple, pliable, malleable and f**kable", "I have named my pillow after you" " I need to see you in those shoes, just those shoes - nothing else" stuff like that.

I am devasated especially given his history of internet flirting/affairs and the devastation is had on our marriage. He is saying that I am being unreasonable because I am upset and that it is only harmless flirting.

I guess what I am looking for is opinions. am I being unreasonable? is he right? I don't feel I am. I don't think any woman would like their husband telling another woman that they are f**kable and that they want to see them naked.... this goes beyond the realms of flirting in my book, but am I being hyper sensitive due to past misdemeanour's.

all opinions welcomed!

 

[BeachGuy]

Uh, yeah, he's way wrong. No amount of flirting is "harmless" in a marriage. Stay separated.

And in my opinion, that's past flirting. That's an EA all the way.

 

[artlady]

He's SO wrong, and no, you're not being unreasonable at all. If you continue to work through your problems, make him block her on FB pronto (and any other woman he's going beyond flirting with).

It's not "harmless" if it affects you this way.

 

[Katheryn]

Thank you, I appreciate your comments! Can I ask, what is an EA?

 

[Patriot]

EA = Emotional affair. He is putting his emotion and energy into another person, not you.

Don't accuse him of this, he'll deny and become defensive. Just explain your feelings.

Bottom line is that if you don't approve of it then it is not acceptable. We all have different "lines" for what is acceptable and what is not and while this may not cross your husbands line, it most certainly is crossing yours. You need to be very clear with your husband that this is over your line. He should understand and respect that and cease contact immediately.

You have to be tough with this and tell him he needs to break ALL contact with her because it does not respect you.

Any opposite sex contact in this manner should be acceptable to both of you. That goes for you too. You need to also ask him what his line is because you want to respect him and you want him to respect you.

I've been there, on the crappy end like you are. Please don't let this go. You need to be very open and honest with your husband on how this hurts you and ask him to stop. If you don't address it now it will build into resentment and bigger problems.

Ask your husband what he wants from this, then provide it for him. Also, this is NOT your fault and don't let him tell you it is because you don't pay attention or whatever, it is HIS decision to not put energy into you. You do have to understand why he is doing it though so you can fix it.

My wife had an EA with an old high school friend so I've been through it. I realized that I had been missing my wifes emotional needs, she found a way to get it.

Read "The 5 Love Languages" if you have not already. Figure out what language your husband speaks, and speak it. He needs to do the same.

 

[Flower25]

If it makes you uncomfortable, you have told him, and he continues to do it anyway? It's NOT OK!

The end. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks.

He disregards your feelings. NOT OK. Period.

 

[Katheryn]

to be honest, this is not the first, second or third time he has been messaging women inappropriately on line and I think that I am done now. ultimately what it boils down to is that he thinks he is doing nothing wrong. my opinions are invalid and as such he will just continue to do it again and again. This time it wasnt as bad as others, it was on a public facebook page and he was one of many men playing with this woman, in the past it has been private emails and chat that he would delete as he went along. I guess that it doesnt really matter whether I am in the right or wrong on this, I will never be able to trust him and he obviously doesnt have the respect for me not to do it. after talking to him about it today all his responses were about my unreasonableness, my silliness, how I go looking for things and that this is the best I can come up with etc etc. Time to face facts.... this is the end of the road!

 

[Katheryn]

Is it wine o'clock yet? ;-)

 

[lucy mulholland]

Yep, good for you. When your line gets crossed and you know it, you can only go forward. Lots of strength to you. You deserve much better than this!

 

[angelpixie]

Don't let him tell you what you should or should not accept. Good for you for drawing the line! It is certainly not unreasonable or silly. Take it from personal experience. While my situation wasn't as graphic as yours, I wish I had drawn the line instead of just thinking I was the one with the problem. It would have avoided a tremendous amount of pain and crashing self-esteem in me. And my shutting up about it didn't keep my marriage together anyway.

 

[ExitMusic]

How old are you both? I personaly think he does love you, or he wouldn't go back and forth with you like this, but he obviously has a problem with surfing the net for possibilities.

Just don't go back and regret it, put thought into it, remember theres a world of men out there =)

 

[naga75]

i concur with:
does it bother you?
wellp, its not "harmless", then.

 

[A++]

My husband I agree to separate back in March of this year and he moved out in July. There were numerous issues without our marriage, some down to me and some down to him.

So what is/was YOUR issues?

 

[Katheryn]

Thank you all so much of your messages. it is so good to have some sort of reassurance that I am not the one with the problem despite the insistence from my husband that it is.

I am 37 and he is 53. He has never been unfaithful to me in real life but has had numerous encounters over the years with women online.

My contribution to the breakdown of our marriage was simply giving up. I fought and fought for his love and then gave up. I accepted a virtually celibate marriage and a husband who just refused to help and support me in his role of stay at home dad. I would work all week and still had all the house work to do at weekends because he just wouldn't do it (one of example of many issues). he would never acknowledge that he wouldnt do it, he would always say 'i've tried my best' or something along those lines which then of course meant he could get angry at me for not supporting him in his role. Anyway I gave up trying. I also had some issues sexually (http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...6812-long-post-worried-first-time-poster.html)

Since we separated, my husband has been desperate to get our marriage on track and a few weeks ago I was beginning to melt and was really starting to believe that maybe this time it could be different. maybe he really could change and then I found this stuff he has been writing to this woman. He is still in touch with her and still commenting on her posts. this hasnt even been enough to give him a wake up call despite saying to me how absolutely broken he his right now.

 

[arbitrator]

Hate to say it, but flirting is greatly a precursor to an EA, just as the EA is to a PA; and so forth and so on!

 

[angelpixie]

Since we separated, my husband has been desperate to get our marriage on track and a few weeks ago I was beginning to melt and was really starting to believe that maybe this time it could be different. maybe he really could change and then I found this stuff he has been writing to this woman. He is still in touch with her and still commenting on her posts. this hasnt even been enough to give him a wake up call despite saying to me how absolutely broken he his right now.

Look at his actions. They are not those of a 'broken' man. There are more reasons to be apart than to stay together at this point.

 

[Garry2012]

Hate to say it, but flirting is greatly a precursor to an EA, just as the EA is to a PA; and so forth and so on!

Facebook flirting was DEF the precurser to my STBXW EA/PA. And I was the Jealous controlling H to not be accepting of it. Not good behavior for a dedicated spouse. It is fishing for a partner at the very least.

 

[arbitrator]

Facebook flirting was DEF the precurser to my STBXW EA/PA. And I was the Jealous controlling H to not be accepting of it. Not good behavior for a dedicated spouse. It is fishing for a partner at the very least.

In total agreement!

But I was never jealous or controlling as a husband... just naive as hell and all too trusting!

 

[Garry2012]

In total agreement!

But I was never jealous or controlling as a husband... just naive as hell and all too trusting!

wow...yeah i second that!!! She used to brag about how non-jealous i was. I just changed when the alarm bells starting going off...but to her it was me being crazy. Typical tactic they use...

 

[arbitrator]

wow...yeah i second that!!! She used to brag about how non-jealous i was. I just changed when the alarm bells starting going off...but to her it was me being crazy. Typical tactic they use...

My STBXW is the world's biggest female flirt... even during our courtship days together.

Then when I read her numerous FB postings to her two "other men," I saw that she was using the very same verbage, almost verbatim, to what she had used on me!

No alarm bells ever sounded with me! I was just way too absorbed in living what I thought was a traditional devoted married life as a faithful husband; I was just way too much of a dumbazz to even suspect anything until it was way too late!