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Hi all - interesting to read the posts on here. I've seen a few cut from the same cloth of what I'm about to say, but still felt like posting. Male, married 30 years, couple of grown kids, very attractive but sexually infrequent wife.

She can be super loving in so many ways in our marriage, but when it comes to sex, some kind of barrier is there. I'm a fit and healthy guy with a high sex drive our entire marriage. She has been hot and cold over the years, but since the 'change' mostly cold. Still when she does have the urge, it's intensely hot and extremely enjoyable. She always climaxes and makes sure I do too, even when it's been more difficult for me after resisting the early urges so I can keep it going strong for her. The only problem is frequency! There were years when she was only interested within a couple of days after her period, then the switch was flipped back off. And some months we missed the timing and waited another month! ~Ouch~

She has tried hormone replacement therapy (still on it) and they adjusted her T levels at one point that made her super hot for me a couple years ago - I mean like 5 times in a 3 day period. I thought I died and went to heaven. But then easy come easy go - after a couple of months, back to rare interest. I've snooped - ain't nothing going on with her and I never had any reason to believe there was. Still, checked that box.

So recently after a night where the day felt like a great lead up to sex - lots of cuddle time, happy time, love talk, the typical love language she connects with, we go to bed and she starts to give me a bit of a handjob, then just falls asleep in the process! Really frustrating for me obviously, and we had a pretty big fight the next day. Same old crap - I say you don't want to have sex with me enough to keep me happy, and I really don't like living like this. She says we ARE intimate in so many ways in our lives, she just has a problem turning on the sex switch. So I said fine - let's just stop having sex so I won't be disappointed. I said I suppose you don't want me to be with another woman (nope!), or turn to porn (nope!), so I guess it's just up to me and my imagination (which is always been about her btw, until recently...) and for now, I'm just done with the disappointment and waiting game.

Strangely - I have felt at least a bit better just changing my sexpectations. We actually have had our typical intimate days and evenings, lots of kindness, lots of cuddling on the couch, but I've not been expecting sex so the let-down hasn't been there when we haven't had it for several weeks. She seems absolutely fine with it.... But truth is, I want it bad. I just don't want to repeat the same cycle with her, that deep and sad feeling of rejection when she's not there for me.

We are seeing a MC and have been for about 6 months (now remotely). I laid it on the line and said I need more sex or this won't work. Everything else is good in the relationship - we travel, we date, we laugh, we talk, we enjoy our family, but unless I can have more sex, I feel frustrated deep inside. We've been working on communication things mostly in the MC, but I recently reminded both women (wife and therapist) that the guy in the room is wired for more sex and can't feign complete bliss without it. Let's not lose track of that please...

I've had some recent experiences where a woman at my tennis club has been flirting with me. She is at least 20 years younger than me, cute as hell and looks amazing in her tennis skirt. I mean really good. I've never felt more tempted in my life. To now, I've remained faithful, but I may not be able to make it much longer. I think the POT (potential other woman) sensed my interest because she hasn't backed off and I haven't suggested she do so. Yes, I've flirted back and I've loved the slow burning buildup that seems to be there for both of us. I thought maybe she just needed some attention and would leave it at that (as in no sex). But just before the club got closed for the COVID lockdown, she said "Maybe we should play at a park sometime on a nice evening instead of coming to the club... I could put a couple of beers in a cooler and we could cool down with those before we go home?" I said that sounds great, and we both smiled a moment at each other, and left it at that. She's married with two kids and mentions her husband and kids a lot. She really seems involved and happy with them all. Maybe she is just like me?

By my recent fantasy calculations, she seems like a really safe alternative to my solitary sex life. Kind of the perfect setup really. I mean, I always shower right after I get home from tennis... And I can read the writing on the wall - she is interested.

I'm afraid to cross that line but can't stop thinking that I can't wait for the club to reopen. :/

Am I really a terrible person for thinking I may go for it? At times I feel like I'm entitled to because my wife just won't deliver and I have told her so many times it's not fair for her to make unilateral changes to this marriage contract, but I know I know... I've allowed it by staying.

Confused and a little intimidated, but the tension is building with both women for me, just in different ways. I just don't know if I can stop myself at this point.

Maybe someone here can tell me of similar experience they've had, what they did, the outcome, or just help me get my head on straight.
 

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Mylehigh,

Please check your private messages (or "conversations"). You can find them by clicking on the icon in the top right of the screen and click on "conversations" in the list that pops up.
 

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Am I really a terrible person for thinking I may go for it? At times I feel like I'm entitled to because my wife just won't deliver and I have told her so many times it's not fair for her to make unilateral changes to this marriage contract, but I know I know... I've allowed it by staying.
Yes you are being terrible thinking that you may go for it.

Tell your wife that you are thinking this.

If you want to pick up women for sex, then be honorable and divorce you wife first.
 

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You can stop yourself. It’s not beyond your control. Don’t lie to yourself about that to make yourself more comfortable with choosing dishonesty. Avoiding situations where the temptation is present is something you can choose to do.

There is a big difference between lying to your wife, and telling your wife the only terms on which you are willing to remain married are one where you are free to have romantic relations with others — and that that is what you are going to do. Or, filing for divorce and setting yourself free to pursue relationship with some else who is also free.


Consult a lawyer if the open marriage discussion is the one you want to have, to see if there is something you can do to protect your interests should your wife later regret going along with it.

Having relationship with a married woman is inviting disaster into many lives. Not just yours, but your kids’ and her kids’. Projecting onto her a similarly “helpless” and dire marital situation is wishful thinking. She might simply be a serial cheater with no concern for anyone else but herself. In any case, why pursue someone who is married, encouraging her to be deceitful? The world is full of single women.

Personally, I don’t equate thinking about potentially doing something with actually doing it. I don’t think merely “thinking” about it makes you a terrible person. What you do or not do will make all the difference.

There’s more than one way forward where you can keep your self-respect, and the respect of your children.

Why flirt with disaster?
 

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I have posted my story here: Why so many sexless marriages?
In the interest of brevity, I won't type it again.
I solved my issue through the fiat of assertion. I gave my wife three choices and made it clear that my choice was that I wanted to be with her and I wanted intimacy in my life. I told her that she was out of time, and if she didn't want to be with me that I could still find someone who did.
I laid it all on the line, and she chose marriage. Things during the last year are like they were when we were dating. We have been together almost 28 years, and will be married 26 years next month.
Only thing I'll say on your "Experience" is don't go breaking up families over a piece of ass. It's not worth it. Be honorable, show your resolve. If she doesn't step up, and work to improve intimacy and build a better marriage, divorce her.
 

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OK, so your about to cheat on your wife who is perfect for you in every way except for the frequency of sex (according to you)? Dont kid yourself with this men need more sex bullshit or the "i cant control it" crap. Yes you can. And if you cheat on your wife, you are human garbage. DIVORCE HER, DO NOT CHEAT. Some women have more drastic issues after the change, she is not more in control of her hormones than you are of yours. I dont understand why so many people think "they just have to cheat because they cant help it", BULL. Be a MAN, stay honest to your wife OR LEAVE.

You certainly do not have to stay in a relationship that makes you unhappy,

But remember..... The grass is NOT always greener on the other side.
 

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Why did she go through all the hormone therapy? Her idea or yours? Is she committed to improving your sex life but just can't get there? What has the MC said about her lack of desire? The MC tries not to take sides. Does she have an individual counselor she sees? If she doesn't, she probably should. Most women who aren't really interested in trying to fix things wouldn't have gone through the hormone therapy.

Going after a woman who's also married, has kids... and you're thinking she's in the same situation as you... that sounds a lot like trying to rationalize your desire to step out on your marriage is OK. It's not. If you can't come to terms with your wife, don't cheat on her. Get a divorce and then discover that loneliness might be even worse than not enough sex.
 

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Discussion Starter #9
I have posted my story here: Why so many sexless marriages?
In the interest of brevity, I won't type it again.
I solved my issue through the fiat of assertion. I gave my wife three choices and made it clear that my choice was that I wanted to be with her and I wanted intimacy in my life. I told her that she was out of time, and if she didn't want to be with me that I could still find someone who did.
I laid it all on the line, and she chose marriage. Things during the last year are like they were when we were dating. We have been together almost 28 years, and will be married 26 years next month.
Only thing I'll say on your "Experience" is don't go breaking up families over a piece of ass. It's not worth it. Be honorable, show your resolve. If she doesn't step up, and work to improve intimacy and build a better marriage, divorce her.
That’s the kind of happy ending I’ve been trying to get for years. You are lucky.
 

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Discussion Starter #10 (Edited)
Divorce her because she deserves my honoring our marriage contract or get iut... what about her breaking the understood foundation that a marriage includes maintaining a healthy and equally satisfying sex life?

She did the HRT for multiple reasons but yes, in part to try and help fix the low drive problem. Didn't stick with it because of some slightly unpleasant side effects. That is understandable but this is also a side effect.

Thanks for at least one person saying that thinking and doing are two different things.

A piece of ass may not be the long term solution but it sure seems like it would help fill an ever expanding void.

She and I have both been in IC for a couple of years working separately and together in MC. This is not for a lack of trying.

Seems like guys who have a satisfying sex like say with ease how I shouldn’t do it. Kind of like the bleeding heart liberals that have 7 figure jobs telling people who are losing everything to just stay home. And women will never understand fully how the framework of a man’s brain is wired and processes sex - love without sexual intimacy (when physically able) is not complete.
 

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Am I really a terrible person for thinking I may go for it?
No, you are a human person who is tempted. You are tempted in the same way all of us (yes, even me who is a "beta")
have opportunities to commit adultery. Let that word sink in. That's what it would be.

I feel like I'm entitled to because my wife just won't deliver
No, sir, you are not. You promised that you would love your wife and "keep yourself only unto her", for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health. There is no wiggle room in that promise, absolutely no entitlement for you to do anything other than what you promised.

I just don't know if I can stop myself at this point.
Yes, you can. Do not see this woman again for any reason. Do not allow yourself to think about her. Especially, do not go anywhere private with her. Join another tennis club, take up golf, bird-watching, just don't go back where she is. Period.

she seems like a really safe alternative
No, sir, she is not "safe", and she is not an "alternative". Any woman outside your marriage is definitely not "safe", and you have no "alternative'. It is your wife, or no one. Period.

She is married with kids. Think about it, for a moment, how her husband is going to feel when he finds out about you. If you get involved with her, rest assured, he WILL find out. And, how about her children? What is an affair going to do to them when they find out ?

While you're at it, what is it going to do to your wife when she finds out ? Again, rest assured, she WILL find out.
And, your grown children ? How are they going to feel about you ?
 

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You'll find this is a highly debatable point, especially if you are a wife withholding sex... :)
Love (as in a marriage, that IS a sexual relationship) is not complete without sexual intimacy. That's why it's a marriage and not a friendship. If a wife tries to tell you otherwise it's because she wants to keep the other benefits of marriage and is trying to convince you to keep those benefits coming...in what is
just a friendship and not a marriage.
 

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Love (as in a marriage, that IS a sexual relationship) is not complete without sexual intimacy. That's why it's a marriage and not a friendship. If a wife tries to tell you otherwise it's because she wants to keep the other benefits of marriage and is trying to convince you to keep those benefits coming...in what is
just a friendship and not a marriage.
Totally agree. The point is that many wives withholding sex often tell their husbands they are not entitled to sex. BTW, this is not my wife's opinion... ;)
 

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Seems like guys who have a satisfying sex like say with ease how I shouldn’t do it. Kind of like the bleeding heart liberals that have 7 figure jobs telling people who are losing everything to just stay home. And women will never understand fully how the framework of a man’s brain is wired and processes sex - love without sexual intimacy (when physically able) is not complete.
Umm.... no. Not true whatsoever. I do not have a "satisfying sex life" and have thought many times about leaving. The last year, while we've gone over the issues she's had with intimacy, have been hell. And I'm telling you to, as you say, "just stay home." :)
 

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You promised that you would love your wife and "keep yourself only unto her", for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health. There is no wiggle room in that promise, absolutely no entitlement for you to do anything other than what you promised.
This is an assumption. My vows never included anything of "foresaking all others" or "keep yourself only unto her". Different couples use different vows. Not everyone uses the "traditional" vows. He may or may not have used that vow. How would you actually know?
 
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