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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hi everyone,
Stumbled onto this website as I was looking for marriage advice online. Seems like a good place to share my problem. Hopefully I can get some advice from a 3rd party. The people I've been talking to are either common freinds btwn my wife and I or are only my friends so I'm thinkng that advice is biased...
I'll try to keep this short but try to include as much info as possible. Please help! Sorry, this will be a little long..

I've been with my wife married for about 1 1/2 yrs. before that we've lived together for 4 yrs (2 yrs. renting a house and 2 yrs. in a house we bought before getting married. Including dating we've been together for just over 8 yrs.

In a nut shell, up until now I thought we had a good marriage, no fighting, comfortable, and I trusted her with all my heart. I've never considered being with anyone else and always thought we'd grow old together. Within a few months of dating she was already asking to get married. I made her wait for nearly 6 yrs before I asked her, and she said yes. We talked of having kids once we got married and buying a house and had lots of dreams we would talk about. We bought the house about 3 yrs. before we got married and kinda have been trying to have kids over the last yr. and been in this house for about 4 yrs. now.
Here's what's been happening over the last approx. 1 1/2 months. Since the end of April I noticed her being upset about something, kinda depressed or confused? There was alot of tension being built up at home and she started going out with her friends more often and not coming to bed until late, spending lots of time on the computer.
Then I started to catch her instant messaging with a guy that she knew well before my time. An old boyfriend from highschool. I would walk into the room and she would shrink the messaing window but I still saw it. She started to come home at 2-3am some nights. VERY unusual for her. I found out that these late nights she was hanging around at this guy's place. (He is divorced and has custody of his two kids). I also noticed at this time that she had left her wedding ring at home on the coffee table and since then (begining of May) has not worn it.
Conversations came up bwtn us and she kept saying I can't deal with "this", I don't know if I'm happy at home, I don't know if I'm in love with you, I don't know how much I love you, etc.
I approched her on this guy. I asked her if she was cheating. She said no and nothing has happened and that she just needed someone to talk to where she would be comfortable, BUT she told me that she did have emotions for him. I told her that I disapproved and that it really hurts me and that my trust for her has been damaged and that she shouldn't be hanging around with him right now until I can grain some trust. She agrees to stay away from him.
Around the middle of last month she came home again around 2am. I waited up and told her that I don't deserve this, your treating me like crap and not respecting me. You need to tell me whats going on. I said that someone has to leave tonight. She offered and went to parents. She has not come home since. She has only come over every weekend to collect some more clothes and we talk a bit.
As it stands over the last couple weeks I know she's still hanging around with that guy. She got caught in a lie last week. I called her to meet up and talk. She told me she was with a girl friend and we met up. I talked to that same freind the next day and just in conversation we both found out that she was not with her. That friend approached my wife the next day as to why she was using her name to lie, and what was she doing. My wife told her sorry that yes, she was hanging around with this guy. So her friend asked if she was trying to hide something going on btwn her and this guy. My wife responded by saying no, nothing is going on...
Lastly, my wife has told me that she she has never done anything on her own, she has always been dependant on others. She lived with her parents until she moved out with me so has never lived on her own. She feels that she can't come home right now because she doesn't want things to go back to the same old "comfortable" way. That both of s need to make some changes.
She has come to the house and moved all her stuff out and is still staying at her parents, where she has been for about a month now. She has been talking about getting a separation (I'm thinking maybe because ALL of her friends are all having marriage problems and going through separations/divorces right now, so that's the information she is getting). She's thinking of finding an apartment and wants to go back to school. She says she doesn't know if she has stuck with me all this time because of materialistic things (my side of the family is decently well off and we are comfortable) and that she needs to figure out if she really does love me. She says that she needs to find herself and be independent for awhile. She says that in 2-3 months she might figure out that she does need me, or maybe she needs to take a year and might realize then that she does want to stay together, but if at the end of that year I've moved on and there's no place for her, she will have to deal with that mistake.

I know this is crazy long, I applogize and will keep it shorter from now on. Just wanted to make sure most of the details were there. Please let me know what you might think is the direction she is taking....THANKS!!!:confused:
 

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Your wife is involved in an emotional affair. The signs are all there. I’ve lived it so I have some direct experience there. If the two of you don’t work on whatever problems exist in your marriage she will continue to gravitate towards him. I’m very sorry to say this but there may be a physical connection too. There are many red flags here. Taking her wedding band off, coming home late, lying… If the two of you are to be successful in recovering your relationship, she must end all contact with him and concentrate on your marriage. If she won’t do that she cannot connect with you. I understand her point on never living alone but that could be smoke. Separation might be a valid avenue for her to sort her feelings out but she must still communicate with you about the marriage and your future together. Your relationship is obviously not in good health so I recommend you find a counselor to see as a couple. Marriages need help from time to time and counseling can really help. The road to recover may be a very long one so be prepared. Read my mantra below and work those words into your recovery plan. Good luck.
 

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If she is still in contact with this other man and lying to you about it, I think the direction she is headed is to test the waters with him. If she wants to find out whether she still wants to be married, I agree with Amp that she needs to end all contact with him and even if you are separated, counseling or talks to discuss why she is having reservations and see if there are things you both can work together on or not.
 

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If she is still in contact with this other man and lying to you about it, I think the direction she is headed is to test the waters with him. If she wants to find out whether she still wants to be married, I agree with Amp that she needs to end all contact with him and even if you are separated, counseling or talks to discuss why she is having reservations and see if there are things you both can work together on or not.
:iagree:

draconis
 

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First of all, that is EXACTLY why I will never get married. Second of all, dude, are you for real? Why would you take that kind of treatment? Stand up and be a man. Don't take any bull from her.
 

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First of all, that is EXACTLY why I will never get married. Second of all, dude, are you for real? Why would you take that kind of treatment? Stand up and be a man. Don't take any bull from her.

Why are you a part of this forum if you are not married. This is a support forum. People come here for HELP and you most certianly did not give a lick of good advice.





Anyway. I'm sorry for your struggle. I can tell you first hand, as a woman, I have been there where she is. Not while I was married, but while I was engaged. Only my "emotional" affair went further and ended in a physical affair. I befriended my X-boyfriend after he was almost killed in Iraq. We hung out alot while my fiance (now husband) was in Iraq and built a very emotional relationship with each other. I never saw the physical part coming and it punched me in the face one night. I know how hard it is to cut ties with a "friend" like that. BUT... I also knew where my heart belonged. I knew what I wanted, so I did cut ties with that person and haven't spoken to him since. I came clean to my fiance about it all the very next time he called me. I kept nothing from him, and he still wanted to marry me and we put it in the past and never re-visted it.

I can empathize with you.

My advice to you is keep staying strong. If she needs that space, give it to her. But I agree with the OP. If she wants to figure herself out, she needs to do that ON HER OWN without that guy. And she does still need to talk to you and keep you informed of her progress. You are, after all, her husband.

Good luck.
 

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Right now - neither you, nor your marriage are her priority. She is looking for greener grass, for whatever reason.

Get yourself a counselor/therapist. You will need an emotional dump. I don't mean for that to sound derogatory. You need someone objective, and detached from the situation, friends, and family, that can help you sift through the pain, frustration, and anger of what is to potentially come.

She is going to be with another man. She may even move in with him. You are going to want to talk to her about it. You will have hundreds of thousands of questions, and they all hurt. She is not going to want to talk about it. You will eventually have to consider that once she is done, or he is done with her, she will look for solace in familiarity - likely with you. Do the emotional work for yourself that will help you determine when that day comes, if that is a ride you want to get back on.

I agree with Amplexor, swedish, and draconis. Ideally, she should make some effort to work on and explore the circumstances about why she feels the way she does for her benefit, and out of respect for you. Unfortunately, what is ideal and right, is not the common choice people make. I wish you well.
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
Thanks for all your info!
I can see that there is a lot of red flags. I have so many unanswered questions and don't know what she is doing. I read what I wrote and I think that maybe I should add the following and see what you think again.

When my wife went to stay with her parents in mid-May it was a weekend. The first night she left she just said she can't deal with "this" and said I'll be home tomorrow. She did come home the next day and then told me she was going to stay at her parents for awhile and took some clothes.
At the end of the week with no contact from her, I got a one line email saying she was coming over on the weekend for a bit. That day she came over she seemed still unhappy and didn't talk much but said she feels more comfortable staying at her parents and isn't sad about it. Again she packed some more clothes and let for her parents.
Another week went by and again no contact from her till the weekend. I get a text message from her saying again that she will be at the house. She talks a bit again basically saying that she doesn't know what she wants to do but is talking about separation and not sure if she wants to be married she says that she doesn't feel she can make an effort in this marriage right now and need to find herself as an individual and she will come the next weekend to pack up her things. Of course she grabs one more load of clothes and goes back to her parents.
Over all those weeks she never called to talk on the phone. Only a text or email direct to the point.
But.. last weekend seemed different. The night before she was to come and pack up all her stuff she called me on my cell. Talked politely and asked if she was still ok to come over the next day to pack her stuff. I said yes, and took the day off work to be there. The day she was to pack up all her stuff she didn't show up until 2pm! She did pack and I was being pretty blunt and withdrawn to her. We did talk a little. I could tell she was getting a little upset and then she made the excuse that she had to get to her parents for supper @ 6pm. She had only packed 1/2 her stuff! I said ok and she left with a car load of boxes and looked like she was going to cry. The next day she came back to pack and we ended up talking for like 2.5hrs. she didn't pack anything else really, just took the boxes that she left behind the day before. While we talked she seemed happy, cheerful, and opened up quite a bit. She admitted that she had left crying the day before....
Two days later she sends me some information I had requested and sent more than a one line email and actually signed her name to it. The next day she called the house around the time when I would've been home from work (but I stayed late) and ended up leaving a message about that info in the email she sent only the day before! She hasn't called me on my cell or @ home since she had left, why now????



Right now my thoughts are this. I am going to go to a marriage counselor in the next couple weeks. Once I get an appointment I think I would like to send my wife an email to let her know my intentions and give her an open invitation to attend. I'm not going to try to force her. I will simply tell her that I feel I need to go to help myself, so that maybe I can sort through my emotions and get the council of a professional.
I think that I need to try to stay away from her for a bit too. Every weekend she has contacted me and spent some time with me, even though it wasn't "quality" time. I almost feel like she's doing it purposely to see me. I'm not going to see her this weekend or have contact with her. The next time I contact her will be somethime next week with the counseling appointment.
Does this sound like a good idea????
 

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Withdrawing sounds like a good idea...albeit not completely. For the most part, women want what they can't have. If you don't completely (and I'm not saying shut it off ALL the way) put yourself out there for her...then she's going to wonder what's up and will become curious.
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
Thanks for confirming the withdrawing.

I have some new thoughts I'd like to share.

I spoke to a friend of hers the other night. They've been friends since high school. We talked for several hours...

We came up with the idea that my wife might be suffering from depression. It runs in her family and her dad and younger sister both suffer from it pretty bad. My wife has never seemed to suffer from it badly but now I'm thinking there has been a lot of months over the years when she feels really down about everything. She's never been a confident person, and shy. She's always talked of going back to school but has never applied (until now when she moved to her parents), and for months now she hasn't been happy with her job and got turned down for a position change that she really wanted, and all her freinds are going through divorces. A letter she wrote a couple weeks before leaving asked me if I'd be ok if she went on medication.
My wife, since she left to stay at her parents a month ago has stopped talking to her two best girl friends about anything that is going on bwtn us, though she does hang out with them for a couple hours one night a week just to say hi. From what I see she's not going out much, and her two friends tell me the same. She just isn't herself...
I talked to my wife on Thurs about picking something up from her that she has. I knew she had Sat. off work, and that guy I talk about doesn't work weekends so I assumed that she would be hanging with him all day and night. Usually when a new relationship starts up you'll try to spend every moment possible with that new person, right? I remember all my ex-girlfreinds etc. and that's what I did!

I called her Thurs if I could pick something up over the weekend. She told me that Sat I could come over any time to her parents because she had no plans at all. Said she was just doing laundry and cutting the grass for her dad. NO plans for the evening either! She almost seemed to have an underlying tone like "nobody wants to spend time with me..."
Anyways, today being Sat. I worked until noon. She sent a text message just before I got off work and asked if I was still planning on coming by. I told her no but might need to pick it up for either next weekend or the one after. She responded by saying, "no prob, I don't have plans. Just let me know!"
Again with this "no plans" again....

If it is depression, I want to help her through it. I'm willing to put our marriage issues to the side until she can feel better. I want to talk to her about it and tell her I will support her but I'm afraid of mentioning it becuase she might take it the wrong way???
 
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