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I still believe that there's only one way out - Exit/Separation .... I don't want to discuss divorce considering the fact that that will permanently mark an end to something I thought was life time, and I don't want my daughter to be in that spot....

Over the past few days, I've seen more and more of "cold" in the eyes of both, my wife and my daughter .... I was attempting a rather huge sporting feat (200 km cycling brevet) yesterday and in all fairness, had hoped my daughter would either as much as wish me luck the night before, or text message me once she gets up on the day of the ride. ..(she wouldn't get up at all to see me off so that's a far out expectation).... Nothing, zilch, nada!!! just a couple of missed calls 6 hours after the race began!!!

I thought they would try and meet me at the finish line, and probably help me with a vehicle on the way back home, once again, no one there.... I quietly signed off my race card, and rode back home.... No one is home, I just draw a bath, get freshened up and the family is back... No one wants to talk to me, there's not even a remote question as "how did it go" from my daughter... Wifey, I might expect, as we're again in the "silent" zone after the friday argument... (more on that later) but my daughter - It beats me on what am I doing wrong..... I mean yes I can understand her predicament if she believes that I'm wronging her mother, but am I?

I provide for them, I am not abusive, I've never ever ever done drugs, never ever engaged in physical violence, I work hard and provide them with the best possible luxury, mostly without expecting anything back, I am very well respected for my work, my skills and my friends like me a lot... so, forget about love, is a little bit of respect too much to ask for?

I am thinking of having a word with my wife on the road ahead, may be separation is the key but just can't find it in me, because she is so unreasonable that I'm not sure where the conversation can lead up to....

Last friday, a group of us friends (that my wife also knows very well ) were throwing a farewell party to one of us who is leaving on an overseas assignment... I asked my wife 3 days before if it was okay for us to host the party, and she said yes...

I was away for a few hours in the morning on the day of the party, so I called my wife and asked her to order home delivery of some party food... she calls me back 15 minutes later and says - the phone's not responsive (imagine, we live in a place that thrives on home delivery and yet, because they didn't respond on first try, she just didn't want to try any more) and asks me to pick up the stuff on my way back..

I did, bought some food, and when I come home, there's 2 hours left for the party.. I dont' see any glasses, crockery, cutlery, nothing laid out, or even prepared.. and when I asked her, she said whatever's there is in front of you, deal with it yourself...

so, I got hyper mad and yelled at her asking if there's anything she does as a job around the household and her reply is "No, I don't, I am just meant to enjoy, no work pressure for me!" and our daughter is listening in, so I don't even want to imagine the kind of learning she gets from all of this... to make matters worse, my wife says "you've been out enjoying all day, why couldn't you pick up stuff rather than yell at me for not arranging it" I was at a government post office all day, picking up an overseas parcel that they wanted some paperwork for, and I spent 5.5 hours in there, dealing with government red-tape....

But she doesn't care or give a damn....

How reasonable can I expect when I start to have this conversation with her? I don't know, I sometimes feel the best way is just to find an apartment and move out.....
 

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Discussion Starter #3
Has she always been this unreasonable?
Pretty much yes, we used to have nasty arguments about her complaining about the household work... I used to work from home, and practically share half the workload for her but she has always had this chip on her shoulder about being made to work as if she's a maid ... simply because she doesn't bring money in the home...

She has a self-inflicted inferiority complex about not being able to pursue a career ... yet, she doesn't want to go about it the right way.... she wouldn't delve deeper into the subject, peripheral items such as making jokes on teachers/fellow students while pursuing a course gives her pleasure, and eventually she loses interest...

She always tries and cuts corners / take short cuts in things as simple as following recipes and then when the dish comes out bad, she always has someone/something to blame and feel happy that she did her best.. in reality, she has not, and I can see it, and God forbid I tell her, because then the sob story starts.. you never encourage me, you never support me ...

so, to answer your question, yes... she has been unreasonable from the word go ......
 

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I think there's two sides to this story. I think needs are not being met on both sides and lack of understanding and resentment is building. Maybe read His Needs, Her Needs, and sit and talk to her with an Open heart and mind and ask her what is bothering her about you.
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I think that she's venting her frustrations on your daughter and consequently your daughter who is being presented with one side of the story is losing respect for you.

The problem is when you said that you didn't expect anything back from either your wife or daughter, you should expect respect if nothing else.

I think the both of you are not meeting each others needs which is why a lot of resentment has set in over time.

I suppose a trial separation can be good in this case. You can consider doing a watered down version 180. Which can perhaps motivate her to get into MC with you.
 

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How long have you been married? How old is your child? what state do you live in?

So if your wife does not want to do her share around the house she need to get a job. Adults contribute to the house hold... they do not just spend their time 'enjoying'.

You might acutally be better off separated with a parenting plan that gives you 50% custody. That way you can develop your own relationship and influence with your child. Plus your wife will need to get a job to support herself.
 

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Discussion Starter #7
I think there's two sides to this story. I think needs are not being met on both sides and lack of understanding and resentment is building.Posted via Mobile Device
Yes I understand there is two sides, I am just not sure how can I make her sit down and reason. I mean she says

" I just can't do housework, I am not cut out for it, so don't expect me to take care of anything if the help isn't around "

" I don't like exploring holiday option until it involves a super luxury spa and a 5 star hotel and a business class seat "

I wish someone could ask me some eye opener questions here, may be I can be shown a mirror based on this.... I am fairly open to this being my fault in some manner, though I don't know if that will lead to a person being unreasonable and unjustified!
 

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How long have you been married? How old is your child? what state do you live in?
We've been married 15 years, and dated 8 years prior....

Daughter is 13

We do not live in the US

So if your wife does not want to do her share around the house she need to get a job. Adults contribute to the house hold... they do not just spend their time 'enjoying'.
She wants to work, she has been wanting to work since day 1... It is just that she has tried at least 8 different vocations, and none of them works for her, because she decides to judge people around and not focus on the work as a first priority... she doesn't believe in learning, gaining knowledge and delayed gratification....

So, according to her, she has been an instrumental part of my success in business (by being a wife, only!) and therefore, is entitled to her fun and enjoyment... and shouldn't be asked to contribute around the household, should not be asked for prudence, and should not be questioned on her spending habits....

You might acutally be better off separated with a parenting plan that gives you 50% custody. That way you can develop your own relationship and influence with your child. Plus your wife will need to get a job to support herself.
Even if I do separation with 50% custody, I think she won't be able to get a job that supports her lifestyle/habits... she HAS taken up a job for the last few months, but things have only worsened since then, as she now believes she's more independent .. though she doesn't bring a penny on the table (it all goes in her own account, and that's fine with me) it's kind of making her believe that now she can condemn me even more in every conversation....

Her salary is not even able to support the cost of gas she uses in a month in the car.... leave alone constant visits to the parlor, spa, home based massage, beauty treatments, cost of clothing etc.... Eventually, I am going to have to support her still :)
 
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