[justabovewater]

Just wondering how any of you have reacted once you found out that your ex or stbx was dating someone else?

I've known for the better part of the last 6 months or so that my husband (we've been separated for almost 15 months) has had a girlfriend. Or should I say had a feeling. She lives about 1000 miles away and I think may have been here at the 1 year anniversary of our separation when he suddenly disappeared for the weekend supposedly to get away because it was a difficult time for him too.

Anyway, at the beginning of this month he told the kids and I that he had to go away on business. Made up an elaborate story of where he was going. Nothing out of the ordinary for his job, didn't think anything of it.

This past weekend we went away on a trip (with about 7 other mutual friends). The weekend went fine, he had his room, we had ours. Nothing out of the ordinary. We've had a very amicable separation, spend quite a bit of time together with the teenagers. Dinners together, he helps around the house from time to time. Unconventional, I know, but it's worked. (The separation/divorce was his idea after 23 years of marriage). No divorce has been filed that I know of. Don't know when he plans on doing this.

Last night me and the kids get home and I log onto FB only to wander over to her page and find what is usually a page that is locked up tighter than Fort Knox is now updated with a public album with pictures of her and my husband on his recent visit to see her and her teenager. Pictures of the hotel room they stayed in for her birthday, flowers that he sent her for day, pictures at restaurants, and so on. Although I didn't react in the way I thought I would once finding out that he's dating, I did cry quite a bit, sent him a text asking why she felt she needed to post these publicly, which I never got an answer to. Today has been a day from hell. I feel like I'm back to where I was 16 months ago when he first asked for the divorce. I'm hurt, having slight panic and the tears come out of nowhere.

I guess I'm just looking for similar stories and how you reacted. Am I really back to the beginning? Do I have to go through all the mourning again? I so want to send her a scud missle message stating what B*&^% I think she is for doing this, I mean, what's the purpose? She usually has me blocked from her FB page. Do I really have to go through this hell again?

Thanks for your feedback.

 

[36Separated]

I found out my wife was seeing someone through f.bk - in fact he tracked her down on f.bk after 17yrs - so far i managed to bite my lip and say nothing even tho we are still married and she is divorcing me.

I dont think ill get anything by confronting her - i am however checking with my solicitor if it changes anything

 

[our vision shattered]

For my sanity, I have deactivated FB.

It does nothing but damage. I don't want to know what's going on, but I know sooner or later STBXW will get together with someone.

Gonna be one tough day, that day.

been there/done that in both my marriages, not easy

 

[SCondeck]

FB is the devil! It's one of the many things I gave up in an effort to make my wife happy. Actually, I've been better off without FB.

Anyways, the OP didn't specifiy why they separated. She mentioned her stbxw was separated from her for a year before starting to date someone else. Now I'm not sure what sort of separation agreement they had but it sounds to me like she doesn't have too much room to be angry at him. What was the cause of the break-up if I may ask?

 

[SlowlyGettingWiser]

I couldn't have cared less that my STBXH started seeing someone within 7-8 WEEKS of me leaving him. As long as he's making HER life miserable and not MINE, it's FINE with me.

Justabovewater: YOU went LOOKING on her FB page; you can hardly blame HER because she USED to block you. If you don't want to know what she's posting, QUIT looking at her FB! It's just going to bring you pain. She does actually have the RIGHT to post any pix she wants and, conversely, YOU have the right NOT TO LOOK.

Keep your STBXH out of the middle of it; he has NO CONTROL over what she posts on HER FB page. And he's not going to side with you against her anyway.

Try to keep yourself strong and remember YOU have a LOT to offer some lucky person; if your STBXH can't see that, pity the fool!

 

[Dollystanford]

Well funnily enough I had blocked him from FB but my mother being my mother refused to so she could nose around in his life. About four months after we'd split he posted some (not so) cryptic message about having a girlfriend and she told me so I went to look on his page.

He had changed his relationship status from 'separated' to 'in a relationship' and had a load of his family saying 'ooooh I'm so happy for you xoxoxx lol' as if it was me who'd walked out on him. I'd been to the funeral of a very close family friend that day and in a fit of 'f*ck you' I changed my relationship status to 'single'. Within about two hours I'd had messages from various people (mostly married) trying it on...

We are now six months out and divorced, he's moved her in to his flat and spent last Saturday evening at my house b*tching about how much they are arguing. I felt mild irritation because I was in the middle of a particularly challenging game of words with friends and couldn't wait for him to leave

I mainly felt indifference but also a smidgen of smug that I don't have to deal with his crap any more and some other poor cow does

 

[NoWhere]

My wife is already seeing someone else and I haven't even left the house yet. At the same time every night she retires to the garage to sit in her car and talk to someone. She at first tried to say it was a friend, but she does this every night and talks for about 4-5 hours. When it first started happening I would ask who she was talking to and she would get all defensive. I finally confronted her once and demanded to see her recent list and she of course wouldn't let me. Basically I called her on her B.S. and now she doesn't deny it even though she won't admit it.

Anyway I've already blocked her on FB. I've thought about it and I do not want to ever see her boyfriend. I can only imagine the thoughts that would enter my head. I'd first ask what does he have that I don't and would tear down my self esteem going over that in my head. Then just the thought of seeing her happy with another man would just tear me apart I think. Best I just don't go there no matter how curious I am.

 

[vi_bride04]

Being able to block people on FB is a marvelous thing!

I didn't find out from FB that the ex was seeing someone else (I blocked him the second I knew he joined), he just wanted to rub it in my face so told me personally.

Smeh. Didn't really bother me...like SGW said, let him ruin HER life. I'm just so relieved he is not focused on me anymore!

 

[Eternal Embrace]

A couple weeks after H and I seperated (because of everyday marriage probs and my fury over his EA/POSPA) I went on OW's FB and saw that she and my H had travelled out of town for a day trip and she posted some pics of them at dinner together - it then made sense why H didn't answer my phone call that night...

Yeah, I was pi$$ed, but as others above have said - I went looking for it. Curiosity killed the cat, anyone? It sucks that OW posted that (but it is her right and her FB page) especially since me and H were supposed to be "working things out."

After seeing that I said F it and went NC. Too bad OW lives in my neighborhhod and I have to see H's car parked at her house on various mornings but oh well, let OW deal with that sorry excuse for a "man" from now on!

 

[justabovewater]

FB is the devil! It's one of the many things I gave up in an effort to make my wife happy. Actually, I've been better off without FB.

Anyways, the OP didn't specifiy why they separated. She mentioned her stbxw was separated from her for a year before starting to date someone else. Now I'm not sure what sort of separation agreement they had but it sounds to me like she doesn't have too much room to be angry at him. What was the cause of the break-up if I may ask?

SCondeck-to answer your question, we separated after 23 years because husband was fed up, I guess. I've been the first to admit that I wasn't the easiest person to live with. I've suffered from depression and ADD all of my adult life and I think it finally just took a toll, understandably. At times I've found it hard to live with myself. He began checking out of the marriage around 2009 right about the time he became involved in the whole FB phenomena (sp?).

There is no formal separation agreement, not sure what that has to do with it. And just to clarify, I'm not necessarily angry with him, more hurt I guess. I knew this day would come, just didn't expect to feel like I do. It's one thing to be told that your husband (STBXH) is seeing someone else, but to see it in color on the internet is something different. To think that that used to be me in those pictures hurts like h&**. Or he's doing things with her that we never used to do. Its just gut wrenching to be honest.

I guess my base question to everyone was/is, when you found out your ex-spouse was in a relationship with another, did the whole mourning process start over again? I'm feeling the depression and anxiety creep up again after months of feeling really good mentally. I don't know that I can go through the whole process again.

Thanks to all who have responded.

 

[justabovewater]

I couldn't have cared less that my STBXH started seeing someone within 7-8 WEEKS of me leaving him. As long as he's making HER life miserable and not MINE, it's FINE with me.

Justabovewater: YOU went LOOKING on her FB page; you can hardly blame HER because she USED to block you. If you don't want to know what she's posting, QUIT looking at her FB! It's just going to bring you pain. She does actually have the RIGHT to post any pix she wants and, conversely, YOU have the right NOT TO LOOK.

Keep your STBXH out of the middle of it; he has NO CONTROL over what she posts on HER FB page. And he's not going to side with you against her anyway.

Try to keep yourself strong and remember YOU have a LOT to offer some lucky person; if your STBXH can't see that, pity the fool!

SGW - you are right, I went looking and found what I didn't want to find. I was wrong in snooping.

After talking with STBXH who said he knew nothing of the pictures being on FB and that she's not his GF (which I do not believe), I've sworn off going that route anymore. I'm just hurting myself.

I guess it all boils down to (probably for all of us here) that I'm still shocked that I find myself in this situation after so many years together (almost 30). The couple that everyone thought would make it to the end. Well, I guess this is the end. Death would just be so much easier to cope with.