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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
So my wife and I have been going through a tough patch for over a year now. We have only been married 4 years and have gone to counseling multiple times.

recently she started talking about separating. We discussed trying again with a different counselor but neither of us is very convinced it will work.

tonight she was very upset and crying to me about how she can’t afford to live without me. We currently rent a condo that she would not be able to afford on her own but I could.

She works and makes similar money to me but has massive student loans and a car payment because we got her a new car when the baby was born for safety reasons.

I’m feeling really guilty and not sure what to do. She doesn’t have much in the way of family and is stressed out about how she would lose our Son because she would have to move back in with her grandmother at 35 or rent a 1 bedroom with no space for a child.

i understand that this happens sometimes, but I still do care about her and don’t want to see her struggle. Our child is also my #1 priority and I don’t want to take him from her.
 

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Could she sell the car, pay off the loan and buy something cheaper? Countless children have parents with older cars. As long as they are in good condition and kept safe generally it's fine.
Then she can find a 2 bed appt for her and your child or maybe stay there and you find a place.
 

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As I recall, she originally offered full custody to you so my suggestion is take it. She can have visitation. If she decides against that, your son is young enough still not to need his own bedroom just yet so that could be worked around. I assume she still doesn’t want a divorce and you do? Certainly you can choose to stay with her but you want another child at some point and as much as she’s struggled with your son that probably isn’t the best idea. Not to mention all those other issues the two of you have.
 

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Wow, sorry to hear that. I read your other posts. You seem a good guy and it would be better for your son to stay with you.
She lacks empathy and her background also indicates it is no environment that provides a safe space for a child to grow up in.

Worst scenario:
Her tears may be only selfish tears to protect herself and not the child. She needs you as safe bay from where she can go fishing for a new partner. Once she has one, up she goes! leaving you with the child.

But that is maybe far fetched, but I wouldn't be surprised.
She night bot be fit for being a mother and she kind of admitted it maybe by telling you to take the child when you seperate.
Hence, your fear of hurting her by taking full custody may be unnecessary to some extend. You might do her a favour.
 

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She's the one talking about separating. So change the conversation to what things would have to be like to stay together.
The real world is hard & things can be tough financially for anybody with student debt. There are things she can do if she really wanted to. She could move out with roommates & get a side hustle. She could also look for a better paying job to be able to make in on her own. She wants the financial luxury of a 2 income home which may not be an option. It's also not your fault or responsibility.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 · (Edited)
She's the one talking about separating. So change the conversation to what things would have to be like to stay together.
The real world is hard & things can be tough financially for anybody with student debt. There are things she can do if she really wanted to. She could move out with roommates & get a side hustle. She could also look for a better paying job to be able to make in on her own. She wants the financial luxury of a 2 income home which may not be an option. It's also not your fault or responsibility.
I totally agree. I kept telling her that we are not there yet and that my suggestion to see a counselor together is an attempt to see if we can make it work. She remains negative that we have tried that before and are basically destined for divorce so she has to prepare herself.

I’m kind of reaching the end of my rope though because of things that have happened in the past causing me to feel like I deserve a better partner. Also, she sees it as I am not loving her “like I used to” so she is never satisfied, leaving me feeling like I can never do or be enough.

Essentially, she brought up the separation as something she has been thinking about for months because she doesn’t feel she’s getting the same love from me/our relationship has changed and “while she’s terrified to leave it is painful to stay and hope things will improve.
 

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If she says you don't love her enough & she's never satisfied, if you can truly say you are trying, it may be time to let go.

There are times when I wish my husband would do more, be more romantic etc. but he's just not wired that way. I have to remember to be grateful for the small things because to him they are big. For example, he brought home dinner last night from a restaurant near his office that I like. But on the other hand I had to bug him to make a Valentine's reservation at the restaurant I want to go to next month. Silly man actually thinks you can walk into one of the most popular places in town without a reservation on Valentine's Day. 🙄🙄 Those examples are trivial but if your wife is not the grateful type, you might not be able to fix things.
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 · (Edited)
If she says you don't love her enough & she's never satisfied, if you can truly say you are trying, it may be time to let go.

There are times when I wish my husband would do more, be more romantic etc. but he's just not wired that way. I have to remember to be grateful for the small things because to him they are big. For example, he brought home dinner last night from a restaurant near his office that I like. But on the other hand I had to bug him to make a Valentine's reservation at the restaurant I want to go to next month. Silly man actually thinks you can walk into one of the most popular places in town without a reservation on Valentine's Day. 🙄🙄 Those examples are trivial but if your wife is not the grateful type, you might not be able to fix things.
i think she just senses my love for her changed because I’m not as affectionate as I used to be and our relationship vibe is different.

I brought up the recent instance of her birthday last week. She had Covid and was upset she was sick on her birthday. I decorated the house while she was sleeping, put balloons and banners outside the bedroom door and made her a breakfast in bed.

or countless times I’m working from home and I make sure the house is spotless so she can come home and relax and spend time with our son. Even when she’s tired and the baby wakes up early and I purposely bring him quietly downstairs to let her sleep as long as she needs even though I’m just as tired.

shoot, last Valentine’s Day I was taking paternity to take care of the baby and we drove over an hour to surprise her on her lunch break with lunch from her favorite restaurant as well as flowers, candy and balloons. In April she was telling me she wasn’t happy.
 

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What she wants from you doesn’t sound reasonable to me. She didn’t clean (can’t remember if she cooked), she wasn’t engaged with your son and was easily frustrated with him — on and on — and yet she expects the moon from you. She has absolutely no idea how fortunate she really is.
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
What she wants from you doesn’t sound reasonable to me. She didn’t clean (can’t remember if she cooked), she wasn’t engaged with your son and was easily frustrated with him — on and on — and yet she expects the moon from you. She has absolutely no idea how fortunate she really is.
Thankfully she does cook and is a great cook at that. Cleaning up after she’s done…not so much.

She is good about making breakfast for me/the baby and packing me a lunch for work.

but honestly I can do that myself if need be.

i appreciate the recognition as I don’t really get it from her. Just frustrating knowing I’m only 31. In good shape, with a good career and plenty of things other women would be grateful for.
 

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If she will not dispute the D, then download the paperwork, fill it out and file yourself. I don't know what state you are in, but Google "do it yourself divorce in TX" or whatever state you are in, and see what comes up. In many states you can file for an uncontested divorce yourself if both parties sign off... Might be more difficult with a child, but I bet it can be done. See what you find online.

And quit worrying about your wife. You are a good guy, but if what you are saying is true she is not a good wife. Let he move back in with her grandmother or whatever, not your problem.
 

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I realize even one bedroom apartments are expensive but having one child and yourself in one isn't going to make you lose the child. You can always take the dining room space or something like that and make it into a place to sleep for one of you. It might make more sense to put the mother in there.

And of course sleeper sofas in the living room can be inconvenient but that's certainly another way to go. If you are splitting custody the child will only be there half the time.

Now if you're both going to be living so someone close together, another great alternative is to not move the child and then for you to to split the cost of another apartment which you can both use when the other one isn't there. So let's say you have the child one week. Then you stay with the child at the main house or condo. Then you go to the apartment and she comes to the condo for her week with the child.

Now of course somewhere down the road when one of you get involved with someone else then you can change that arrangement.
 
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So my wife and I have been going through a tough patch for over a year now. We have only been married 4 years and have gone to counseling multiple times.

recently she started talking about separating. We discussed trying again with a different counselor but neither of us is very convinced it will work.

tonight she was very upset and crying to me about how she can’t afford to live without me. We currently rent a condo that she would not be able to afford on her own but I could.

She works and makes similar money to me but has massive student loans and a car payment because we got her a new car when the baby was born for safety reasons.

I’m feeling really guilty and not sure what to do. She doesn’t have much in the way of family and is stressed out about how she would lose our Son because she would have to move back in with her grandmother at 35 or rent a 1 bedroom with no space for a child.

i understand that this happens sometimes, but I still do care about her and don’t want to see her struggle. Our child is also my #1 priority and I don’t want to take him from her.
I`ve recently read on sites and viewed on YouTube videos that in western countries on average marriages are only lasting for about 5 years and you may soon become one of those statistics.
It appears to me that your wife is not in love but has become co-dependent on you and this in my opinion is not a good reason for staying together.
Unless you still love your wife and your wife is only staying because she feels has no alternative at the present and has become the long and suffering than your marriage cannot survive.
That`s the reality of your situation.
 
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