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Finally past it after 10 years.

1.2K views 9 replies 8 participants last post by  BluesPower  
#1 ·
My first post on here was in 2012. I am lucky in that my wifes affair ended before it turned physical. I can still remember D day if i choose to think about it. Even 13 years later, i can remember the look on my wifes face as she clearly was more upset at losing her affair partners relationship more and did not even aknowledge what it was.

The next months were a total collapse of oyr relationship. The final straw being her lying abiut spending money and me having to borrow money to pay rent. Me telling her i wanted a divorce was the first time I have seen her totally breakdown. Which was nice to see since uo to that point it had been 100 percent rug sweep.

She rebounded though breifly thinking that it was a passing notion. I wish i could have been there when shd was served. Suddenly from that moment on she 100 percent commited to my demands.

NC, going to see a therapist, relinquishing financial access.

My wife finally got the mental help she needed to recover from her previous marriage that was full of abuse etc. I should have done that before we got married but i was young, dumb, and in love.


Finding out that she was suicidal and had made plans to go through with it made me angry. Hiding it from everyone even previous therapists. This spiral beginning making completly wreckless decision financially decisions, looking for validation from extra martial attention. It starting from the fact i was working full time and, finishing my bachelors, 60 to 70 hour weeks. The lack of attention triggering he insecuritues and her letting things spiral out of control.

Wife went NC with the the guy. The divorce process was a nightmare. My wife was full press manipulation. I was even raped at one point.
Though i did not press charges as I just wanted my life back. i noticed that things were taking a turn when she started really trying to get better and not just pretend. We started having real converaations again.

I stopped the divorce at day 60 but it took several years for things to really improve. Lots of fights and anger, the wife was impatient hoping to just jump back into normal. My wife just wanted to pretend the affair never happened because nothing physical happened. I pushed to get trickles of information from her. I knew that she was keeping things back.

2023 was the year where it all hit me. I left the house and confronted her with all i knew and finally got the story. How she literally had let things get far enough down that path leading right up to crossing a line our relationship coukd not have recovered from.
They convieniently went shopping at the same time. They obviously were flirfy with wach other. The thing that set it pff aadly to say was AP's impatientience.
He invited my wife fo his truck. Luckily for me she did not have the timee to do it that day. AP got mad and confronted her for stringing him along which embarrased her. This altercation snapped her out of the fog. Funny how fickle these affairs are. One little fight and it all felk apart. The sad thing is they would have eventually mended fences and resumed the relationship had D day not happened.


Had the AP just been a little more patient or my wife been in the right mood i might not be married right now.

The final confrontation of me getting the truth was the first time in a long time i cried in front of my wife. I was just too tired of not having the full story. Having a lingering itch at the back of my head popping up periodically knowing there was more but getting nothing back. The nagging itch that i did not have the whole story. I left the house and basically left things at an ultimatum. When i came home i dont think i have ever yelled at my wife as loud as that. She took it on and she owned it she told me everything i needed to know.

It was the first time my wife broke down and was honest about it. I know i wont know the whole story. I know that if i had captured their texts messages that i would not be married either most likely.

Things are great now between her and I. She often misses the part of me that died in the process. But that part of me that was sappy and thoughtful of her all the time did not survive the process. She laments to me regularly she wishes that part of me would come back. I just know that part of me just is not there any more. We do love each other and our marriage is secure.

However there will always be a part of me that will wonder if i made the right choice even after all this time effort.

I write this for those that intent to try and Reconcile. My wifes EA took tens years of full sanity from me. If you are going to commit to it you better make damn sure your spouse is doing the work to get whatever character flaw etc sorted out. I know that my wife did put in years worth of work to fix herself with the understand i had a escape clause if she relapsed into old behaviors and patterns.

All of this to say, if your spouse is not willing to do the work on themselves, and their actions do not show they are willing to fix things fix yourself and end it. This life is hard enough as it is and you deserve someone who at minimum can respect your relationship enough to avoid all this.
 
#4 ·
@badbane :

Thanks for returning to give us the follow up to your story. The long term outcome will help others who are struggling with a fresh betrayal (or freshly discovered). They may wonder, "what might happen 10 year from now?". Well, now they have your story to given them some perspective; especially for your response that you would "do it again knowing what you know now".

Follow up like this is what really makes TAM helpful for people foundering with shock and indecision in the moment.
 
#5 ·
I deeply sympathize with you and understand you. But!
What have you achieved?
Irrefutable facts:
1.You're unhappy, if you say otherwise you're lying to yourself and to us.
2.Your wife is unhappy, and there's no denying that.
3.She has never loved and does not love you, has not respected and does not respect you. If you say otherwise, then you don't know what true love and respect are.
4.She loved and continues to love AP (at least more than she loves you), if she says otherwise, it's because you want to hear it.
4.You also don't love her sincerely and cloudlessly, and you don't respect her as a wife should be respected.
5.She has never been your friend and comrade, she is not, and she never will be.
6.You spent 13 years of your life fighting and working "on marriage," you didn't live a real full life, but tried to save the marriage.
7. Your marriage is built on years of lies (you admitted it yourself) and you're not completely sure that she's not continuing to lie and conceal the truth. There is a very good chance that they did have sex in some form. And very likely, there were other APs. And now, too.
8.You're not sure if another knight on a white horse appears on the horizon, she won't run into his arms.
9.You yourself admitted that your marriage is now the result of chance, but how can you rely on a partner who remains faithful only by coincidence? And if circumstances change?
10.You'll never forget anything or put up with an affair and an AP as long as you're with her - not in 10 or 40 years.
You are doomed to "work on marriage."
.............................................................
I do not know why you actually stayed with her. There is no logical, rational reason to stay with a cheater, but we do not follow logic, but only feelings and emotions that fail us very often.
I can only assume that it was just plain cowardice. You shouldn't be judged for that, it's just the way you are. Just like all of us. But we all pay a heavy price for our shortcomings, and you pay too, and you will pay until you make the only right decision.
............................................................
What is the result of your efforts? When on your deathbed (I wish it would happen many decades later) you'll ask yourself, "What have I done that is truly important in my life?" then there will be only one honest answer: "I've been fighting all my life to save my marriage to a lying cheater."
Now, honestly, was it worth living for? Was it worth suffering for while a truly wonderful life flew by with its opportunities and wonders?
Yes, you could have lost, but you didn't even try!
You just live by the proverb "A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush."
It's convenient, but beneath true human dignity.
I'm really sorry that you're ruining yourself for zilch.
 
#7 ·
Sorry, but I can't sympathize with reconciliation.

It stays in your memory till the day you died; I just can't live my life like that. For me, it is good bye the moment I'd find out. I just couldn't care how repentant the cheating partner is. And if that partner has mental illness or trauma it would be imperative for me to end the relationship. There's too much chance to lapse. Better off to start anew.
 
#8 ·
My first post on here was in 2012. I am lucky in that my wifes affair ended before it turned physical. I can still remember D day if i choose to think about it. Even 13 years later, i can remember the look on my wifes face as she clearly was more upset at losing her affair partners relationship more and did not even aknowledge what it was.

The next months were a total collapse of oyr relationship. The final straw being her lying abiut spending money and me having to borrow money to pay rent. Me telling her i wanted a divorce was the first time I have seen her totally breakdown. Which was nice to see since uo to that point it had been 100 percent rug sweep.

She rebounded though breifly thinking that it was a passing notion. I wish i could have been there when shd was served. Suddenly from that moment on she 100 percent commited to my demands.

NC, going to see a therapist, relinquishing financial access.

My wife finally got the mental help she needed to recover from her previous marriage that was full of abuse etc. I should have done that before we got married but i was young, dumb, and in love.


Finding out that she was suicidal and had made plans to go through with it made me angry. Hiding it from everyone even previous therapists. This spiral beginning making completly wreckless decision financially decisions, looking for validation from extra martial attention. It starting from the fact i was working full time and, finishing my bachelors, 60 to 70 hour weeks. The lack of attention triggering he insecuritues and her letting things spiral out of control.

Wife went NC with the the guy. The divorce process was a nightmare. My wife was full press manipulation. I was even raped at one point.
Though i did not press charges as I just wanted my life back. i noticed that things were taking a turn when she started really trying to get better and not just pretend. We started having real converaations again.

I stopped the divorce at day 60 but it took several years for things to really improve. Lots of fights and anger, the wife was impatient hoping to just jump back into normal. My wife just wanted to pretend the affair never happened because nothing physical happened. I pushed to get trickles of information from her. I knew that she was keeping things back.

2023 was the year where it all hit me. I left the house and confronted her with all i knew and finally got the story. How she literally had let things get far enough down that path leading right up to crossing a line our relationship coukd not have recovered from.
They convieniently went shopping at the same time. They obviously were flirfy with wach other. The thing that set it pff aadly to say was AP's impatientience.
He invited my wife fo his truck. Luckily for me she did not have the timee to do it that day. AP got mad and confronted her for stringing him along which embarrased her. This altercation snapped her out of the fog. Funny how fickle these affairs are. One little fight and it all felk apart. The sad thing is they would have eventually mended fences and resumed the relationship had D day not happened.


Had the AP just been a little more patient or my wife been in the right mood i might not be married right now.

The final confrontation of me getting the truth was the first time in a long time i cried in front of my wife. I was just too tired of not having the full story. Having a lingering itch at the back of my head popping up periodically knowing there was more but getting nothing back. The nagging itch that i did not have the whole story. I left the house and basically left things at an ultimatum. When i came home i dont think i have ever yelled at my wife as loud as that. She took it on and she owned it she told me everything i needed to know.

It was the first time my wife broke down and was honest about it. I know i wont know the whole story. I know that if i had captured their texts messages that i would not be married either most likely.

Things are great now between her and I. She often misses the part of me that died in the process. But that part of me that was sappy and thoughtful of her all the time did not survive the process. She laments to me regularly she wishes that part of me would come back. I just know that part of me just is not there any more. We do love each other and our marriage is secure.

However there will always be a part of me that will wonder if i made the right choice even after all this time effort.

I write this for those that intent to try and Reconcile. My wifes EA took tens years of full sanity from me. If you are going to commit to it you better make damn sure your spouse is doing the work to get whatever character flaw etc sorted out. I know that my wife did put in years worth of work to fix herself with the understand i had a escape clause if she relapsed into old behaviors and patterns.

All of this to say, if your spouse is not willing to do the work on themselves, and their actions do not show they are willing to fix things fix yourself and end it. This life is hard enough as it is and you deserve someone who at minimum can respect your relationship enough to avoid all this.
Have her fill out complete time line of affair when, what where, how and then hook her up to polygraph. 1 question, "Is the timeline you completed, complete and truthful?" Tell her anything but "No deception indicated" will be instant divorce.

And then follow through when she fails poly, because she knows if you knew all you would be gone.

When she brings up that missing part she yearns for, just tell her straight faced, "Well YOU killed that part of me, so get used to it or GTFO!"
 
#10 ·
With everything you wrote, I am having a hard time understanding why you think this is something to "Brag" about?

I mean no offense, but your story seems to be a cautionary tale about what happens when you allow yourself to stay at all costs.

In my opinion you have wasted your life being married to her. I understand that you do not feel that way. For me, it would have been better to be alone than be with someone like her. I really so not understand this mentality.