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Discussion Starter #1 (Edited)
Here is my Story:

I have been married for 14 years and now have a 8 years of son. What a bumpy road of my marriage when I look back. I just informed my lawyer to file the divorce for me.

My wife can be a lovely and caring friend. That was what let me fell into love with.

But Just after marriage, my wife began to show her other side of personality. She dominated over me on every issues. Years ago, after quarreling, in a rage, she threatened to jump over the window from the 2nd floor. I was frightened and was forced to apology to her and literally kowtow to her in order to persuade her not to endanger herself.

After my son was born, things turned to worse. She treated our son as hers only, blaming me not a good dad on trivial things. I have been working for 6-7 days a week. She was a housewife. Yet, she claims she is REALLY busier than me and I need to appreciate her all the time.

I bought a good size house as she wanted 4 years ago. That did not satisfy her for long. I bough her a luxury car for her last month by trading in my oldest car. I am now driving her old car to work and she keeps the new luxury car at home. She even did not appreciate it. Just last night, when I got back home late at night and went to eat at kitchen, she was so mad at me for not answering her call that she threw out my food into trash.

I had enough. I am filing for the divorce now. I do not see any chance for us to go back to a dream land of happy marriage. Am I correct?
 

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Discussion Starter #2 (Edited)
In 14 years of marriage, I keep thinking of divorce in every year. The main reason I stayed for 14 years is that it was hard for me to break my marriage wow knowing that she wants to stay in the marriage anyway. I used to believe that she still love me and just has personality issues.

But over the years, I learned everyday that she is just pretending to be weak and vulnerable and intentionally taking advantage of my good will. She is a master of controlling person. She is in fact very dominate, " I always right and you always wrong" kind of person. When she fights, it is frightening to normal person. She throws away thing, make hysterical loud sound, and pretends to be hurt like " I have a terrible headache", " My stomach hurt", " it is hurt so much that I am going to die". In the last few months, she has went to hospital emergency room 3 times for nothing. She claims discomfort so many times and her primary doctor had her checks so many times that she recently got fired as a patient.
 

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Discussion Starter #3
I believe in " Love is forever" and I would not abandon her if I feel any love she left for me and we could have a normal family. It is a extremely hard decision for me to seek divorce alone. I am really sad about it, but at the same time, I see no way out but part away with her. I do not feel her as wife. She is a just controlling person that need me to fill in her void: money, labor and fame. I am being used by her. I am sad to admit this and this let me feel a little depressed.
 

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Sounds like you have a lot to bite off. First, you've got to stop buying your way to affection. What is the dialogue like between you? Are either of you in therapy? CT?

If you truly believe divorce is the next step... is there any way you can return the new car you bought to the dealer. Otherwise it sounds like you'll be paying for a car that is parked in somebody else's driveway.
 

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Discussion Starter #5 (Edited)
I know I am weak now. But I also know I am doing the right thing. I have told her about divorce millions of times and have always gave her the second chance. She now believe she can HANDLE me and ignore my warnings. I used to hope she can change or the problems between us can go away with time. I am really stupid in this regard.
 

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Discussion Starter #6
Sounds like you have a lot to bite off. First, you've got to stop buying your way to affection. What is the dialogue like between you? Are either of you in therapy? CT?

If you truly believe divorce is the next step... is there any way you can return the new car you bought to the dealer. Otherwise it sounds like you'll be paying for a car that is parked in somebody else's driveway.
She like to feel like a queen in front of her friends. Big house, luxury car, a kid with good grade, a husband with a doctor title fit the bill. She said she was a queen when she was a child, and every kids was jealous about her. She really regard her old family ( dad, mom , brothers) is noble, while almost every other families around are inferior. I bought things she like to boost her self image.

Communication between us do occur, but not always genuine. We are lack of trust toward each other, although I did place blind trust in her before.

We are not in therapy. I really think this is her personality issue. I am a doctor myself and I read lots about things in related fields. I do not think therapy can be any good as both of us do not believe in it.

Therapy may solve a communication problem, but it can not change a person's personality.

I am willing to foot the burden of paying the car. I am not very concerns about the money. The failure of the marriage weights hard on me. I am willing to work over time to dearth to earn my family back. But sadly this is precisely I can not get.
 

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tell her she is being a bad girl and that she is grounded. Take her car away in a way that it seems like a big issue. like jack it up and take of the rims.


Next time she threatens to jump off anything and kill herself tell her to hang on because you have to go get the video camera. Im willing to bet she doesnt do it. ;)
 

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Discussion Starter #8
From child to adult, lots of people around me, working or studying with me, said I am a smart person and an easy going person. Many are puzzled by how awkward I have been handing my marriage problems. Many friends just urge me to make up many mind and stop the painful cycle of "quarreling and fighting -thinking of divorce-improved-quarreling and fighting again". Very Painful indeed! I am smart at working and studying, but look how stupid I am in the middle of a dysfunctional marriage!
 

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Discussion Starter #9
tell her she is being a bad girl and that she is grounded. Take her car away in a way that it seems like a big issue. like jack it up and take of the rims.


Next time she threatens to jump off anything and kill herself tell her to hang on because you have to go get the video camera. Im willing to bet she doesnt do it. ;)
You are right. She admitted that she would not jump off the window. Just to bring me down to my knees. I did kowtow to her to save her.

I just could not understand how a loved one can do this to you! I would never, ever do this to her. Even as now I am planning my divorce, I want to leave her the house and alimony to have a comfort life without working, not luxury life as she hope for though.
I plan to have the leaking roof fixed this weekend as she will not fix for herself. She really has a low IQ in fixing things but a high IQ in controlling people

The things is, every time she fight loudly, it frighten my son. My heart also beat too fast. I would rather not to confront her. She always threaten to call police when I fight back. It is embarrassing for me even to fight with her. I feel I am sinking to the same low level as her. This is another reason I want to leave her as I see myself turning into someone I do not want to be.
 

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Discussion Starter #10
My wife was over due for a reality check. Her parents are over protecting her and always agreeable with her. Her dad even told me, " You do not realize that how lucky you are by marrying my daughter. She is the most beautiful, the most tender and kind girl in the world with a heart." I was stunned and speechless when listening. In the WORLD? I can not claim I see all the people in the world yet.
 

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Discussion Starter #12
When my wife speaks, she seems so confident about herself that anything critical about her is wrong and intentional personal attack. She claims that I am in such a lower level that I do not have the credibility to criticize her. Of course, only her old family have the credibility.

She once claimed my gene was inferior to hers. Now she stop that absurd claim after being criticized by her friends. My angry did not stop her. It is the opinion of her friends that stop her. This says something about our relationship.
 

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Discussion Starter #14
It is interesting to observe how brilliant of her to handling me so many years. Yet, after divorce, how stupid she is to force a loving, hard working husband like me to leave. I am a dedicated husband as I never have any affairs in spite of my unsatisfactions of my marriage. I do try a lots to solve our problems. But she is not enthusiastic about this. She think it is ALL my faults and she wants to keep this way any way.
 

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Discussion Starter #15
Someone suggest that I might ask too much in my marriage. After all, both of us have no affairs, already settle down with house and cars and a kid. What else you hope for? Why tear the family apart and expose everyone to pain? Are you sure you would get a better marriage the second time?

But I feel I need to be honest. This is a dysfunctional marriage and failed many attempts of repair. There are no true love between us. The real reason my wife stay in the marriage is that she NEEDS me, not love me. I can not live in such marriage. I would be a liar and coward if I stay. I need to let go of my heart. I need be ME.

In the 14 years of marriage, I have been working hard and went through a lot to reach this stage now. My destination, my goal and my dream is a happy family, secure and loving. It is so sad that I get here only to seek a divorce. It is the biggest failure of my life. I am the LOSER, after all.

I pray to GOD to help me go through this. I pray to GOD to help my wife and my son to go through this, safe and sound. I hope my soon-to-be-ex wife has a happy life in front of her and turn into a better person than she is now.
 

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Your wife has serious issues and you have allowed her to push you around for a long time. We teach people how to treat us. It's most likely that she married you because she recognized that she could push you around.

So now what are you going to do?

Please start by seeing an attorney. Find out your rights and set out a plan for the steps you need to follow through to get a divorce.

While I understand that right now you are feeling generous, I think you have no idea how nasty and greedy person in her position can be.

The issues of child support, spousal support, property division, etc are all dependent on where you life. California is one of the worst... there she could get spousal support for half the duration of the marrige... or 7 years. It's considered rehabilative. Thus giving her a chance to get a college degreed or some other job skill.

If you give her the car and the house you could get stuck paying for them in addition to spousal support.

With assets... you might have to give her 50% of everything you have accumulated.

You will be hit very hard by this divorce. So I think you really need to see an attorney before you start promising to support her in a life of luxury for the rest of her life.

YOu do want a life after this divorce, right? You will need money to have that new life. Suppose you meet a new woman who will love you in the right way... how could you marry her if you are giving everything to your current wife?
 

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Discussion Starter #17
My dad died last year. In his final days, I talked with him every week by phone. Yet. My wife disproved my talking and said it was too long. One time, she even argue loudly to stop me talking and embarrassed my dad. I still wonder why she had no respect and no sympathies toward my dad with a terminal lung cancer. After his death, my wife shed no tears, showed no sorrow. But when one of her friends dies, she cried several time and went her way to help his family. I can only draw a conclusion that she does not belong to me and my family. Sadly she stick with me most because of my money and easy-to-control, or fear of divorce.
 

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Discussion Starter #18
Your wife has serious issues and you have allowed her to push you around for a long time. We teach people how to treat us. It's most likely that she married you because she recognized that she could push you around.

So now what are you going to do?

Please start by seeing an attorney. Find out your rights and set out a plan for the steps you need to follow through to get a divorce.

While I understand that right now you are feeling generous, I think you have no idea how nasty and greedy person in her position can be.

The issues of child support, spousal support, property division, etc are all dependent on where you life. California is one of the worst... there she could get spousal support for half the duration of the marrige... or 7 years. It's considered rehabilative. Thus giving her a chance to get a college degreed or some other job skill.

If you give her the car and the house you could get stuck paying for them in addition to spousal support.

With assets... you might have to give her 50% of everything you have accumulated.

You will be hit very hard by this divorce. So I think you really need to see an attorney before you start promising to support her in a life of luxury for the rest of her life.

YOu do want a life after this divorce, right? You will need money to have that new life. Suppose you meet a new woman who will love you in the right way... how could you marry her if you are giving everything to your current wife?
Thank you for your advice. I did talked to several attorneys 3 months ago when I moved out. I know I will lost BIG after the divorce. I am living in Massachusetts. I will lost 50% of asset with possible 10 years of alimony and even longer child support. I am ready to take it according to the law. I can live. I have no plan for 2nd marriage now although I know I need to keep my heart open. I need to heal first from the divorce and I expect it to last at least 2 years.

Ironically, my wife used to expect 70% of my asset and 70% of my salary. She was shocked to learn from lawyers that she had less. She think of this as unfair. In order to avoid divorce, she soften his attitude after this and we have a 3 months of peaceful time. But last night, her temper burst again and we are now in the square one. I need to go through this without her interruption.
 

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Discussion Starter #19
I just got a call from my wife. First she used my son to ask me to go back home. Then she blame me last night for going back late. She said she was not afraid of divorce. She threaten me many times as to: sell the house and disappear so I can not find my son, disrupt my work so I can not work any more, badmouth me at court and in front of friends so everybody knows I am bad (reputation is important for my work too), even claim I misuse her during past fight and send me to jail, etc. Anyway, she said to let me 'lost everything" in the divorce. Tough girl, is she?
 

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Discussion Starter #20
Although I try to be brave and stand on my own, I am sure my wife has some tricks to play to foul divorce. It will be interesting to see how a mastermind like her can play the game this time. She has won this game in 14 years and has a record she would be proud of herself. But next week I will bring my marriage certificate and sign a contract with a divorce attorney.

It worth noting that I have no cash now after buying her a new car. I will use my line of credit to go through this. I prepare to be serious hurt in the process. But as a MAN, live free or die, I will not yield to a nasty marriage and hopefully I am smart enough to minimize the hurt felt by both of us.

I think my wife can have two side: an evil side and a human side. In a nasty fight, with an evil spirit, it would hurt both of us and kid badly. I pray to GOD to rescue her and let her show the human side, which I think is her true color.

For me, I tell myself I need to do this. I need the divorce to free my spirit, to restore my confidence and integrity, to live my way to be a dedicate dad, son, brother, ex-husband and hopefully a husband again. After all, I need a happy and loving family and a supportive and understanding wife if I can get.
 
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