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122 Posts
Hello again TAM,
Please bear with me as this post is very long. Also while I know I have no right to ask being this is a public forum, I do humbly ask anyway that the “hey dumb ass what were you thinking” comments, 2x4's and the like due to my trying to R be kept to a minimum. I only ask this because although I am a guy, I'm not too ashamed to admit that I'm really f*cked up & fragile right now. Thanks in advance for this.
Before I begin here are the vitals: Me BS (59) and disabled (but still very able) if you get my drift. Her WW (58). DS 21 & living at home. DD 37 and currently in S with my wayward SIL. 3 beautiful GK’s, all boys 2, 10 & 12.
OK, so here's my back story.... Initial D-day was 11-18-11. WW had 2 LTA's. # 1 lasted over 3 years and started as an EA that went to a PA. The second lasted 12 months and was an EA only but included pics & vids.
The statistics on A #1 are: Over 10K emails from 4/09 to 12/11. Over 1000 pics and vids (that's all that I could recover, there were actually a lot more that were too corrupted). TT for over 4 months after initial d-day and then discovery of 2nd A and more TT. 7 total meetings with OM #1 that included 2 road trip meetings in KY & IN while I was incapacitated & recovering from two major surgeries last year. Also two of the meetings were when we were on vacation with relatives in Fla. Fla. meeting 1 was outdoors in a public park. 2nd was at the same park in OM's smelly van. Numerous emails 7 texts while I was on the freaking operating table for both surgeries. There's much, much more but you can get the drift on how bad this was from the above.
The statistics on A #2 are: Texts, pics & vids for over 12 months. Fat pos OM #2 was an unwitting fallback when OM #1 was b!tchy, busy or bored with my skank WW. I almost feel sorry for the poor f*cker now.
Here are the statistics on our 10 months of false R. It took a while but WW really did seem to be getting it. More regret than remorse but she seemed to try on a daily basis and backed off when I needed some space. We went through the standard HB period (maybe even a little longer than usual) and then about two months ago everything for me just came to a screeching halt. I can’t fully explain it except to say that it felt like a dead spot or lull if you will. Here’s where it all began to fall apart. WW could not understand my lull and became frustrated because it looked to her like I wasn’t interested in even trying anymore. She also got upset when the sex stopped completely. I tried my best to talk to her about how I was feeling and tried to also work through it in IC. Thing was that the more I went to IC and dealt with my own issues, the less codependent I was and I started to truthfully ask myself if I wanted to deal with the pain any longer as I knew I was OK for the first time in a long time.
There is another variable in this whole mess as my DD is currently separated from my SIL due to infidelity. DD is also in a complete BS fog and rugsweeping SIL’s A stating that it’s 75% her fault and swallowing SIL’s WS hogwash whole. More on this later.
OK, fast forward to last Thursday. Due to this sh!tty mess which as I said above included two major surgeries last year, WW and I had to file for bankruptcy. I told WW she had to find a job to help out. Thinking back now, I wonder if my asking her to work wasn’t an unconscious ploy on my part to see if she could support herself in case I decided to D. Anyway, the first night she was at work I needed an address from our book by her computer. While I was looking for that, I came across another strange looking book that peeked my interest for some reason. Low and behold on opening it, I discovered it was a journal and towards the very back of it I found a hand written note to OM #1. It basically stated that she missed them being together, that I wasn’t tracking her anymore, that I couldn’t get over what she did, that she wanted to rekindle their A and that she had been sending him emails from her new smart phone and it was safe because I trusted her again.
She came home from work early that night and I confronted her with the note. Her response was a mixture of bullsh!t about it being an assignment from her IC to show her how f*cked up she was when she was in the A. I sat and listened to her WS crap for a while that actually also included this comment to me: “I can’t believe that you could think I would do that again after I’ve worked so hard at getting you to trust me again!” I mean she was actually indignant! (*Side note: Waywards are funny individuals aren’t they?). I decided that it was a useless endeavor to try and get to the truth that night, so I went up to bed as my head was spinning off my neck anyway. I woke up late that next day and discovered that she had left a hand written letter for me on the kitchen table. I was mildly shocked that she basically said in it that we were done and that she couldn’t continue to try and help me heal any longer because she felt I had made up my mind that I wanted out. I then went to the garage and found out that she had left and taken our only vehicle.
I took my DS to work the next day and immediately went to the bank to drain our accounts and then to my L. WW is still gone and there have been numerous sh!t storms between my DD, DS & I. The battle lines are now drawn and fairly stabilized with DD & WW on one side and DS & me on the other. BTW, DD’s situation makes this all that much harder as I love her and don’t want our problems to affect hers. I guess I’m dreaming on this though.
So that’s it up till now except that I met again with my L and we’ve both agreed that due to our limited assets that a disillusionment would be the best way to end this now. I live in a no fault state so the infidelity is not an issue for D. Also, since I am on permanent disability (SSDI) and a small private policy, my L has assured me that my state will not try and use that income as marital assets. That is unless WW, moron that she is, decides to lawyer up and try to fight for part of them. My L told me that she has as much chance as a snowball in Hell in getting the court to agree with this because she is able bodied and I am not.
My L has now instructed me to try and reach out to WW and make her see the light that disillusionment would be the intelligent way to go. But how do you reach out to a whacko? How do you make them see the light on anything, especially since WW is now not NC again with OM.
Anyone have any suggestions on how I should go about trying to do this? Should I just try and email WW? Should I just have the disillusionment paperwork drawn up and serve her with it, hoping for the best? Should I have posted this in the D forum instead of here?
I know this was the really long way around asking these but I’m at my wits end here. Any help and/or advice would be greatly appreciated.
Thank you.
Please bear with me as this post is very long. Also while I know I have no right to ask being this is a public forum, I do humbly ask anyway that the “hey dumb ass what were you thinking” comments, 2x4's and the like due to my trying to R be kept to a minimum. I only ask this because although I am a guy, I'm not too ashamed to admit that I'm really f*cked up & fragile right now. Thanks in advance for this.
Before I begin here are the vitals: Me BS (59) and disabled (but still very able) if you get my drift. Her WW (58). DS 21 & living at home. DD 37 and currently in S with my wayward SIL. 3 beautiful GK’s, all boys 2, 10 & 12.
OK, so here's my back story.... Initial D-day was 11-18-11. WW had 2 LTA's. # 1 lasted over 3 years and started as an EA that went to a PA. The second lasted 12 months and was an EA only but included pics & vids.
The statistics on A #1 are: Over 10K emails from 4/09 to 12/11. Over 1000 pics and vids (that's all that I could recover, there were actually a lot more that were too corrupted). TT for over 4 months after initial d-day and then discovery of 2nd A and more TT. 7 total meetings with OM #1 that included 2 road trip meetings in KY & IN while I was incapacitated & recovering from two major surgeries last year. Also two of the meetings were when we were on vacation with relatives in Fla. Fla. meeting 1 was outdoors in a public park. 2nd was at the same park in OM's smelly van. Numerous emails 7 texts while I was on the freaking operating table for both surgeries. There's much, much more but you can get the drift on how bad this was from the above.
The statistics on A #2 are: Texts, pics & vids for over 12 months. Fat pos OM #2 was an unwitting fallback when OM #1 was b!tchy, busy or bored with my skank WW. I almost feel sorry for the poor f*cker now.
Here are the statistics on our 10 months of false R. It took a while but WW really did seem to be getting it. More regret than remorse but she seemed to try on a daily basis and backed off when I needed some space. We went through the standard HB period (maybe even a little longer than usual) and then about two months ago everything for me just came to a screeching halt. I can’t fully explain it except to say that it felt like a dead spot or lull if you will. Here’s where it all began to fall apart. WW could not understand my lull and became frustrated because it looked to her like I wasn’t interested in even trying anymore. She also got upset when the sex stopped completely. I tried my best to talk to her about how I was feeling and tried to also work through it in IC. Thing was that the more I went to IC and dealt with my own issues, the less codependent I was and I started to truthfully ask myself if I wanted to deal with the pain any longer as I knew I was OK for the first time in a long time.
There is another variable in this whole mess as my DD is currently separated from my SIL due to infidelity. DD is also in a complete BS fog and rugsweeping SIL’s A stating that it’s 75% her fault and swallowing SIL’s WS hogwash whole. More on this later.
OK, fast forward to last Thursday. Due to this sh!tty mess which as I said above included two major surgeries last year, WW and I had to file for bankruptcy. I told WW she had to find a job to help out. Thinking back now, I wonder if my asking her to work wasn’t an unconscious ploy on my part to see if she could support herself in case I decided to D. Anyway, the first night she was at work I needed an address from our book by her computer. While I was looking for that, I came across another strange looking book that peeked my interest for some reason. Low and behold on opening it, I discovered it was a journal and towards the very back of it I found a hand written note to OM #1. It basically stated that she missed them being together, that I wasn’t tracking her anymore, that I couldn’t get over what she did, that she wanted to rekindle their A and that she had been sending him emails from her new smart phone and it was safe because I trusted her again.
She came home from work early that night and I confronted her with the note. Her response was a mixture of bullsh!t about it being an assignment from her IC to show her how f*cked up she was when she was in the A. I sat and listened to her WS crap for a while that actually also included this comment to me: “I can’t believe that you could think I would do that again after I’ve worked so hard at getting you to trust me again!” I mean she was actually indignant! (*Side note: Waywards are funny individuals aren’t they?). I decided that it was a useless endeavor to try and get to the truth that night, so I went up to bed as my head was spinning off my neck anyway. I woke up late that next day and discovered that she had left a hand written letter for me on the kitchen table. I was mildly shocked that she basically said in it that we were done and that she couldn’t continue to try and help me heal any longer because she felt I had made up my mind that I wanted out. I then went to the garage and found out that she had left and taken our only vehicle.
I took my DS to work the next day and immediately went to the bank to drain our accounts and then to my L. WW is still gone and there have been numerous sh!t storms between my DD, DS & I. The battle lines are now drawn and fairly stabilized with DD & WW on one side and DS & me on the other. BTW, DD’s situation makes this all that much harder as I love her and don’t want our problems to affect hers. I guess I’m dreaming on this though.
So that’s it up till now except that I met again with my L and we’ve both agreed that due to our limited assets that a disillusionment would be the best way to end this now. I live in a no fault state so the infidelity is not an issue for D. Also, since I am on permanent disability (SSDI) and a small private policy, my L has assured me that my state will not try and use that income as marital assets. That is unless WW, moron that she is, decides to lawyer up and try to fight for part of them. My L told me that she has as much chance as a snowball in Hell in getting the court to agree with this because she is able bodied and I am not.
My L has now instructed me to try and reach out to WW and make her see the light that disillusionment would be the intelligent way to go. But how do you reach out to a whacko? How do you make them see the light on anything, especially since WW is now not NC again with OM.
Anyone have any suggestions on how I should go about trying to do this? Should I just try and email WW? Should I just have the disillusionment paperwork drawn up and serve her with it, hoping for the best? Should I have posted this in the D forum instead of here?
I know this was the really long way around asking these but I’m at my wits end here. Any help and/or advice would be greatly appreciated.
Thank you.