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Discussion Starter #1 (Edited)
Hello again TAM,

Please bear with me as this post is very long. Also while I know I have no right to ask being this is a public forum, I do humbly ask anyway that the “hey dumb ass what were you thinking” comments, 2x4's and the like due to my trying to R be kept to a minimum. I only ask this because although I am a guy, I'm not too ashamed to admit that I'm really f*cked up & fragile right now. Thanks in advance for this.

Before I begin here are the vitals: Me BS (59) and disabled (but still very able) if you get my drift. Her WW (58). DS 21 & living at home. DD 37 and currently in S with my wayward SIL. 3 beautiful GK’s, all boys 2, 10 & 12.

OK, so here's my back story.... Initial D-day was 11-18-11. WW had 2 LTA's. # 1 lasted over 3 years and started as an EA that went to a PA. The second lasted 12 months and was an EA only but included pics & vids.

The statistics on A #1 are: Over 10K emails from 4/09 to 12/11. Over 1000 pics and vids (that's all that I could recover, there were actually a lot more that were too corrupted). TT for over 4 months after initial d-day and then discovery of 2nd A and more TT. 7 total meetings with OM #1 that included 2 road trip meetings in KY & IN while I was incapacitated & recovering from two major surgeries last year. Also two of the meetings were when we were on vacation with relatives in Fla. Fla. meeting 1 was outdoors in a public park. 2nd was at the same park in OM's smelly van. Numerous emails 7 texts while I was on the freaking operating table for both surgeries. There's much, much more but you can get the drift on how bad this was from the above.

The statistics on A #2 are: Texts, pics & vids for over 12 months. Fat pos OM #2 was an unwitting fallback when OM #1 was b!tchy, busy or bored with my skank WW. I almost feel sorry for the poor f*cker now.

Here are the statistics on our 10 months of false R. It took a while but WW really did seem to be getting it. More regret than remorse but she seemed to try on a daily basis and backed off when I needed some space. We went through the standard HB period (maybe even a little longer than usual) and then about two months ago everything for me just came to a screeching halt. I can’t fully explain it except to say that it felt like a dead spot or lull if you will. Here’s where it all began to fall apart. WW could not understand my lull and became frustrated because it looked to her like I wasn’t interested in even trying anymore. She also got upset when the sex stopped completely. I tried my best to talk to her about how I was feeling and tried to also work through it in IC. Thing was that the more I went to IC and dealt with my own issues, the less codependent I was and I started to truthfully ask myself if I wanted to deal with the pain any longer as I knew I was OK for the first time in a long time.

There is another variable in this whole mess as my DD is currently separated from my SIL due to infidelity. DD is also in a complete BS fog and rugsweeping SIL’s A stating that it’s 75% her fault and swallowing SIL’s WS hogwash whole. More on this later.

OK, fast forward to last Thursday. Due to this sh!tty mess which as I said above included two major surgeries last year, WW and I had to file for bankruptcy. I told WW she had to find a job to help out. Thinking back now, I wonder if my asking her to work wasn’t an unconscious ploy on my part to see if she could support herself in case I decided to D. Anyway, the first night she was at work I needed an address from our book by her computer. While I was looking for that, I came across another strange looking book that peeked my interest for some reason. Low and behold on opening it, I discovered it was a journal and towards the very back of it I found a hand written note to OM #1. It basically stated that she missed them being together, that I wasn’t tracking her anymore, that I couldn’t get over what she did, that she wanted to rekindle their A and that she had been sending him emails from her new smart phone and it was safe because I trusted her again.

She came home from work early that night and I confronted her with the note. Her response was a mixture of bullsh!t about it being an assignment from her IC to show her how f*cked up she was when she was in the A. I sat and listened to her WS crap for a while that actually also included this comment to me: “I can’t believe that you could think I would do that again after I’ve worked so hard at getting you to trust me again!” I mean she was actually indignant! (*Side note: Waywards are funny individuals aren’t they?). I decided that it was a useless endeavor to try and get to the truth that night, so I went up to bed as my head was spinning off my neck anyway. I woke up late that next day and discovered that she had left a hand written letter for me on the kitchen table. I was mildly shocked that she basically said in it that we were done and that she couldn’t continue to try and help me heal any longer because she felt I had made up my mind that I wanted out. I then went to the garage and found out that she had left and taken our only vehicle.

I took my DS to work the next day and immediately went to the bank to drain our accounts and then to my L. WW is still gone and there have been numerous sh!t storms between my DD, DS & I. The battle lines are now drawn and fairly stabilized with DD & WW on one side and DS & me on the other. BTW, DD’s situation makes this all that much harder as I love her and don’t want our problems to affect hers. I guess I’m dreaming on this though.

So that’s it up till now except that I met again with my L and we’ve both agreed that due to our limited assets that a disillusionment would be the best way to end this now. I live in a no fault state so the infidelity is not an issue for D. Also, since I am on permanent disability (SSDI) and a small private policy, my L has assured me that my state will not try and use that income as marital assets. That is unless WW, moron that she is, decides to lawyer up and try to fight for part of them. My L told me that she has as much chance as a snowball in Hell in getting the court to agree with this because she is able bodied and I am not.

My L has now instructed me to try and reach out to WW and make her see the light that disillusionment would be the intelligent way to go. But how do you reach out to a whacko? How do you make them see the light on anything, especially since WW is now not NC again with OM.

Anyone have any suggestions on how I should go about trying to do this? Should I just try and email WW? Should I just have the disillusionment paperwork drawn up and serve her with it, hoping for the best? Should I have posted this in the D forum instead of here?

I know this was the really long way around asking these but I’m at my wits end here. Any help and/or advice would be greatly appreciated.
Thank you.
 

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E mail her and see what happen, if the OM is married then the threat of exposure may give you the leverage you need.
Tell her you want the process to be as painless as possible or you're going to blow the sh!t sky high. You do have evidence I suppose so the threat of exposure to her family will be enough of an incentive for her to not cause too many problems. Cheaters rarely like being seen as the bad guys in a divorce and exposure would mean that they are going to be seen as the bad guys so they'll definitely toe the line
 

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Discussion Starter #4
Tell her you want the process to be as painless as possible or you're going to blow the sh!t sky high. You do have evidence I suppose so the threat of exposure to her family will be enough of an incentive for her to not cause too many problems. Cheaters rarely like being seen as the bad guys in a divorce and exposure would mean that they are going to be seen as the bad guys so they'll definitely toe the line
Thanks. This is good advice. One other thing I did through R is that I didn't go nuclear on her ass and tell everyone with-in ear shot. I did this because I was in a BS fog and wanted desperately to try and save the M. I now know how stupid that was on my part.:slap:

Anyway, so you're saying if she doesn't play ball that I should go nuclear then? BTW, I do have ALL the evidence including ALL the emails, texts pic & vids. I also have loads of admissions by her in her own handwriting.

Also, if I do start to tell, what is the best way to do this? How much info do I give so as not to embarrass who I'm telling?
 
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I think you can go nuclear after you divorce, for now you need to hold it over her head and make her sign in all the right places. Don't ever show your hand until you're ready to go all in
 

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Why did your DD side with her, especially when she experienced infidelity herself ? Does she still believe your wife ?

maybe get her IC to talk to you/daughter during the mediation if that is what the IC actually recommended.
 

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Hold on.

Once you are a ****, you can't go back (same applies to us girls) so why not try to outsmart the wacko first?

She is still seeing the OM, use that and tell her you know how horrible it has been for her (don't barf, she will know you are bs'ing her then) and that you two really have nothing to gain by fighting and having to deal with a divorce.

She may just surprise you (and us) and agree to it. If she doesn't, blow her sky high. Hell, I would still blow her sky high after the dissolution was granted. I have cake eating issues. :)
 

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Thanks. This is good advice. One other thing I did through R is that I didn't go nuclear on her ass and tell everyone with-in ear shot. I did this because I was in a BS fog and wanted desperately to try and save the M. I now know how stupid that was on my part.:slap:


Also, if I do start to tell, what is the best way to do this? How much info do I give so as not to embarrass who I'm telling?
It so sad to hear of another false R. I can relate because I went through one.

I do think it takes 8 to 9 mos. to get out of the BS fog.

Glad you are now out.

As for who to tell. Tell your social circle, tell any church groups, talk to her pastor, tell her family and your family, tell any groups she belongs to.

Afterward a lot of women will want to avoid her like the plague.
 

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Discussion Starter #11
Why did your DD side with her, especially when she experienced infidelity herself ? Does she still believe your wife ?

maybe get her IC to talk to you/daughter during the mediation if that is what the IC actually recommended.
Hi Warlock! Glad to talk to you again. I don't know if you remember me but we talked a lot back in Nov-Dec last year after my d-day.

Anyway, to answer your questions, DD is in a complete BS fog. Just like I was in the beginning. I know for a fact that SIL was/still is an SA. DD is saying all the typical BS fog sh!t like "it's all my fault", "I'm 75% to blame", "I have to admit I'm the reason to save my M for my kids" etc.. etc.. I've tried to clue her in (and gently, not as a vindictive BS) but she just doesn't want to hear any of it. I talked to her today after some major blowups and I thought I hear just a smidgen of reality in her comments so maybe she is starting to come out of it. It really hurts cause I love her and I know first hand what she's going to go through. BTW, I did direct her to a support forum but it turned out to be a disaster.

The IC think would normally be a good idea but to be honest, the note thing is really a moot point now. I told WW that if she left it would be a deal breaker for me. She has...and it was! Especially the way she did it, i.e., by taking our only vehicle and running out at night while I was sleeping. Sorry man but that is just really low, especially after everything else she's done to me.:mad:

Hope that explains it better.
 

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Discussion Starter #12
I think you can go nuclear after you divorce, for now you need to hold it over her head and make her sign in all the right places. Don't ever show your hand until you're ready to go all in
Yeah, I think that is my best bet at this point. I need to just play the game until I can get out and away from this toxic b!tch. It's really hard though cause she's cut out so much of me already and she's continuing to do it. I just don't know what the wacko is planning behind my back right now. I do know from phone records that she's been burning the lines up calling family and friends I guess to pull an end run on me. That makes not going nuclear even harder because I'll be telling my side of this AFTER she's puked out her poison to them. Oh well, at least my DS knows the REAL truth and that been a God send for me up till now.
 
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Hi
Anyway, to answer your questions, DD is in a complete BS fog. Just like I was in the beginning. I know for a fact that SIL was/still is an SA.

DD is saying all the typical BS fog sh!t like "it's all my fault", "I'm 75% to blame", "I have to admit I'm the reason to save my M for my kids" etc.. etc..

I've tried to clue her in (and gently, not as a vindictive BS) but she just doesn't want to hear any of it.
You won't be able to clue her in while she's in BS fog.

She will only get angry and abusive toward anyone who tries to open her eyes.

Hopefully she will visit sites like these and see how coddling the Cheater usually only ends up in the cheater feeling empowered to cheat again.

It may take 5 years or 18, but they cheat again, if the BS doesn't take a strong stand and enforce strict rules for the cheater.

I see it here all the time. Some one posts that they forgave their wife or husband for cheating 18 years ago, but they did it the wrong way, and then they are here posting again about the same spouse cheating AGAIN.

So Sad. I hope your daughter wakes up.
 

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Discussion Starter #14
You won't be able to clue her in while she's in BS fog.

She will only get angry and abusive toward anyone who tries to open her eyes.
This is exactly what is happening and it hurts so much as a BS myself to see and hear it.

OK, Here's another twist to this ongoing sh!tstorm. I just found out that WW has lawyered up! I know for a fact that she is aware we have no real assets. Why the hell would she do this and waste money we both don't have right now? I have to tell you all that my mind is spinning. I have suspected for a long time that WW was taking household money and putting it away in secret accounts. I think there may be as much as 40K hidden away. If that's really the case, then she would lawyer up to try and protect that money in case I find out. Man! I am really freaking right now thinking about this.
 

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Discussion Starter #17
So get a lawyer and do discovery on her.
Hi Shaggy, remember me? Nice to talk to you again even if it's because of this sh!t.

I will ask my L about this but I'm also trying to protect my disability which my L says she can't really go after unless she's also disabled. However, my L said that if she decides to be a real b!tch and get nasty, she could possibly screw things up for me with SS. While I'm on permanent SSRI, and my disability is genuine, her L could create a situation where I would have to go through a new qualification process with SS. It really scares me cause if I don't have my disability income I'm screwed. I can not work at any normal job and I really do rely on the small amount I get on that plus another small private policy to survive. I guess it won't hurt to just ask my L what his opinion is on this. Also, please remember that this is just conjecture on my part right now. I'm not 100% sure if she really stole anything or not.
 

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I'm so sorry for the false R. I won't talk about the question you ask because many have answered it. I will say though that "fragile" is probably an understatement!

The lying and cheating even after the affair is revealed is soul destoying. I went through it and I also discoverd hidden communications, heard the indignant outbursts.

Note from my Psych..
At this point avoidance is not a bad thing. Reduce contact to the minimum.

When you do have to engage with her keep the conversation light. Sympathise with her if she says how hard it is, but don't let her drag you into relationship talk.

Drop your defenses. Practice open body language around her. If you find yoruself closing up you know that you are feeling threatened. Change the subject, abrubtly and immediatly.

Another counter-intuitive thing to add to the long list!

Look after yourself. One, two and three.
 

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Discussion Starter #20 (Edited)
Just another twist in the drama that is now my sh!tty life...

WW is now staying with some really close friends of ours in an in-law addition they built for a now departed mother. I trust these people implicitly so I went over there after WW went to work today and told them the whole story. Funny thing is that they both said they knew how f*cked up WW was/is and that it was why they detached from us lately. The wife of these good friends has known WW since elementary school. They've been like sisters since then and I was shocked when she stated to me that she knew WW was on a road to ruin but couldn't stop her no matter what she said or did. BTW, they did NOT know anything about the A before WW asked to move in. She said that WW did tell her she had an affair and that I was at my ends rope with her and that is why she had to get out of our house. She also said that WW did not go into any details other than to say she had an A.

I'm actually glad WW is living there. I truly do not wish her any ill will and I do hope she can find a way to straighten her life out somehow. It just can't be with me now and I told them both this when we talked. They understood and must have told me a 100 times that they loved me and understood that I had to do what I'm doing to be happy.

Here's the really bad part about this whole situation though. The wife told me that WW is back to drinking heavily again. She also told me that she knew long ago that WW was an alcoholic and that she believes she never did stop drinking like she led me to believe. Her H used to be an alcoholic and has been sober for over 20 years now. She said from that experience she knows WW was handing me a line of sh!t. Her H concurred and asked me if I ever saw WW go through any withdraw from quitting. I told him no and it was like another "holy sh!t" moment for me! I really thought I was done with those.

Now I don't know what to do as we ALL know that you can't reason with an addict. I'm really afraid that WW will go off the deep end and down the rabbit hole again. When she gets like this, there is no telling what she is capable of. I do know for sure that I won't be able to talk calmly with her if she's drunk, so for right now I'm kinda stuck.:scratchhead:
 
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