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For the longest time I have been believing my wife when she says she is not interested in sex. It has been for me like it is for many of you forever - I am the initiator regularly denied - like 9/10 times. However any and every time it happens we are both happy and enjoy the intimate times. There are two things I have been thinking about. The first is that she judges everything based on what people are supposed to do - ie, get married, have kids, go on vacation - do this or that. The other thing is how what she says about anything is never direct - ie - I am happy to pick up the kids when in fact she means 'I expect you to do it but I want to sound like the nice guy by offering'. Now, the fact that she is an abuse victim and has has always been prudish got me thinking, what if in fact - 'I am not interested in sex' is also like most other things a read-between-the-lines statement. So here's what I did. I just stopped showing interest back. It's been about a month now and I have observed some interesting behavior. I have observed that she is giving me little hints - very very subtle ones. And, what I think she really wants is for me to pursue and for her to resist up until a point that something eventually happens. Then she is happy.
This may sound a bit mad and you may be thinking well just talk to her - believe me I shall. But for now I want to throw this out there - a theory that as an abuse victim she a. Does not know how in the world to initiate and b. only knows this method - the reject method. I believe now it is her way of validating that I still want her. It serves two purposes, it lets her get what she wants and simultaneously allows her to punish her abuser (manifested as me).
I say this as though it is a revelation, but I need to understand this dynamic. Living with a sex abuse victim is incredibly difficult and frustrating. But I see now that when I show no interest it irritates her to no end. I am not being cold, I am simply going about the day as normal, being nice as normal and then simply showing her the equal amount of interest she shows me. Her level if irritability is off the scale right now. I am not trying to be mean - just trying to observe. In a way it does make me a bit happy to finally understand that she does in fact want it. Just that she hasn't a clue how to express herself as sex is in her mind a painful thing as well as an enjoyable thing.
I have to re-evaluate things from here big time. Of course communication must come into the picture. But for now - whoah!
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This may sound a bit mad and you may be thinking well just talk to her - believe me I shall. But for now I want to throw this out there - a theory that as an abuse victim she a. Does not know how in the world to initiate and b. only knows this method - the reject method. I believe now it is her way of validating that I still want her. It serves two purposes, it lets her get what she wants and simultaneously allows her to punish her abuser (manifested as me).
I say this as though it is a revelation, but I need to understand this dynamic. Living with a sex abuse victim is incredibly difficult and frustrating. But I see now that when I show no interest it irritates her to no end. I am not being cold, I am simply going about the day as normal, being nice as normal and then simply showing her the equal amount of interest she shows me. Her level if irritability is off the scale right now. I am not trying to be mean - just trying to observe. In a way it does make me a bit happy to finally understand that she does in fact want it. Just that she hasn't a clue how to express herself as sex is in her mind a painful thing as well as an enjoyable thing.
I have to re-evaluate things from here big time. Of course communication must come into the picture. But for now - whoah!
Posted via Mobile Device