[calmocean]

Thank you all for responding. I really appreciate it. It is helping me to get through this. I've been reflecting a lot more lately with a more clear head. I honestly think he is a narcissist. I have been researching it for a while, which makes this time more difficult but at the same time, I know what makes him happy, attention.. lots and lots of attention. I have realized that every time he cheated, I was done. I packed my stuff and left. Then, I felt bad hearing his pleas and kept coming back. I used to teach children in a daycare that I'm sorry means I won't do it again. He wasn't sorry he did it. He was sorry he was caught. I can no longer feel sorry for him and stay. I love myself, and if he loved me he wouldn't have been doing those things. I forgave one time, and I don't blame myself for staying after he did it one time. I blame myself for continuing to accept that behavior every time after that. I have to work in therapy on this but I moved out young, at 18. So, this will be my first time living with my parents in 10 years. I have been alone for a long time, and I would date so that I would have someone to hold me at night and just be there. Now, when I listen to love songs, I don't think of anyone, and it kind of makes me feel sad. I normally always have someone to think of.

 

[calmocean]

I also took the advice to look back at the pictures when I start to wonder if I'm doing the right thing by leaving. When I looked at the pictures, I still felt the same way a little, so I took it a step further and started looking at some of the old texts between him and other women, and oh man did I hurt my feelings. That's some great advice.

 

[LisaDiane]

I know this is the right decision. Based on my husband's actions over a period of time, he continuously repeats the same steps. I go to one on one therapy faithfully as he complains about going to the couples therapy. He cheated, and I have cancelled all upcoming couples sessions. I filed for divorce yesterday, and after my lawyer printed everything out, it looked like a dictionary of papers. I feel pretty dumb for letting so much slide, but my therapist said that now I am able to grow and start something new. After ten years of living on my own, I'll be moving in with my mom again for the first time. I'm 28 now. My parents don't keep their home tidy to the point where there is a stench that I can't describe. I will be going in and probably scrubbing and cleaning until everything is spotless. No exaggeration, they keep their home like they would on a TV show that's about cleaning filthy houses. I can't really complain because at least I'll have somewhere to go but it just sucks I have to start over. My husband and I just got a house together in October, and it's only gone downhill. Now, I have to get out of the situation and start over. I have a dog to take care of too, and I will be able to but I am trying to get back on my feet so that I can get an apartment close to my job. I'll have to commute from another state for a while. My husband will not be served his papers for a few weeks, so I will have to play the part until then. He's unpredictable when I try to leave him, so I'm taking my lawyer's advice. The plan is to give him the house (he'll have to get it refinanced as I cannot afford to pay for the house by myself), I'll have to continue to pay half of the mortgage until the judge makes a decision at court, and once he's served I'll be living with my parents. I'm having those feelings of hmm.. am I doing the right thing? Deep down, I know I am. He's cheated way too many times, and it is not something I am willing to tolerate anymore. It pains me to wake up next to someone who betrayed me so much. So, I have to leave. Imagine a guy sitting across from you at a table. He looks very innocent and kind, but he's a serial cheater. He just doesn't look like he is. If I wouldn't have seen it in his phone, I would not have ever thought he'd do what he's done. This is the person I have married. I made this post because I am hurting and have feelings of uncertainty, and I know there are, unfortunately, other people who feel the same way that I do. Any words of wisdom? What have you been doing to feel better? Tips for starting over? Thanks for reading.


I also wanted to add that the reason I wanted to leave him to begin with was because of the infidelities. Now, it's like I'm not sure he's even cheating now, but now he's doing other things. He criticizes me over every little thing. If he's upset about something that happened to him personally, he finds a way to take it out on me, he changed his password to his phone again so I can't go in it and he's staying out really really late very often because he's doing "uber and lyft" after working at a shipyard all day. I just don't believe a peep that comes out of his mouth. My "in love" feeling went away back in December, and it has not returned. I thought therapy would help, but it hasn't. He is not willing to put in the work until I say okay.. I'm gone.

It sounds to me like you've become addicted to drama and unhappiness. That can happen when you spend SO many years in the same situation, it becomes your new normal, and any kind of change - even GOOD change - seems scary and uncomfortable.

The thing is, THIS IS JUST HIM. He isn't ever going to change, it's not about YOU at all, it's who HE is. So the key for you here is to JUST DO IT -- just LEAVE. No more threats, no more discussions, no more bargains or promises. YOU JUST GO, and you don't look back.

You do not have a relationship or a marriage...and he is only using you for what you can give him. He doesn't value you or want you because you are special to him or because he loves you. He only loves himself, so there isn't room for you in his heart or mind at all.

I wouldn't worry about whether he will sign the papers or not right now...just LEAVE and get away from him. Once your heart starts to recover, you will find your strength again and you will be ready and eager to cut him out of your life for good. Right now, you are drowning in all the insecurity and unhappiness, that's what happens when you are being used by someone you desperately hoped would love and care for you...it is like slowly smothering to death.

Remember...this is a process that takes many steps. Don't worry about the steps that are far into the future...focus on the steps that are right in front of you first.