[calmocean]

I know this is the right decision. Based on my husband's actions over a period of time, he continuously repeats the same steps. I go to one on one therapy faithfully as he complains about going to the couples therapy. He cheated, and I have cancelled all upcoming couples sessions. I filed for divorce yesterday, and after my lawyer printed everything out, it looked like a dictionary of papers. I feel pretty dumb for letting so much slide, but my therapist said that now I am able to grow and start something new. After ten years of living on my own, I'll be moving in with my mom again for the first time. I'm 28 now. My parents don't keep their home tidy to the point where there is a stench that I can't describe. I will be going in and probably scrubbing and cleaning until everything is spotless. No exaggeration, they keep their home like they would on a TV show that's about cleaning filthy houses. I can't really complain because at least I'll have somewhere to go but it just sucks I have to start over. My husband and I just got a house together in October, and it's only gone downhill. Now, I have to get out of the situation and start over. I have a dog to take care of too, and I will be able to but I am trying to get back on my feet so that I can get an apartment close to my job. I'll have to commute from another state for a while. My husband will not be served his papers for a few weeks, so I will have to play the part until then. He's unpredictable when I try to leave him, so I'm taking my lawyer's advice. The plan is to give him the house (he'll have to get it refinanced as I cannot afford to pay for the house by myself), I'll have to continue to pay half of the mortgage until the judge makes a decision at court, and once he's served I'll be living with my parents. I'm having those feelings of hmm.. am I doing the right thing? Deep down, I know I am. He's cheated way too many times, and it is not something I am willing to tolerate anymore. It pains me to wake up next to someone who betrayed me so much. So, I have to leave. Imagine a guy sitting across from you at a table. He looks very innocent and kind, but he's a serial cheater. He just doesn't look like he is. If I wouldn't have seen it in his phone, I would not have ever thought he'd do what he's done. This is the person I have married. I made this post because I am hurting and have feelings of uncertainty, and I know there are, unfortunately, other people who feel the same way that I do. Any words of wisdom? What have you been doing to feel better? Tips for starting over? Thanks for reading.


I also wanted to add that the reason I wanted to leave him to begin with was because of the infidelities. Now, it's like I'm not sure he's even cheating now, but now he's doing other things. He criticizes me over every little thing. If he's upset about something that happened to him personally, he finds a way to take it out on me, he changed his password to his phone again so I can't go in it and he's staying out really really late very often because he's doing "uber and lyft" after working at a shipyard all day. I just don't believe a peep that comes out of his mouth. My "in love" feeling went away back in December, and it has not returned. I thought therapy would help, but it hasn't. He is not willing to put in the work until I say okay.. I'm gone.

 

[lifeistooshort]

Why is he not getting served for 2 weeks?

Be warned that once the paperwork is filed it becomes public and lawyers watch those records. They contact the spouse to offer service.

My ex was contacted by a lawyer the day after I filed and I was going to give him the papers myself. I picked then up the next day and when I got home he already had a letter from a lawyer. They literally sent ir out the same day the paperwork was filed.

My ex knew it was coming though.

 

[calmocean]

Why is he not getting served for 2 weeks?

Be warned that once the paperwork is filed it becomes public and lawyers watch those records. They contact the spouse to offer service.

My ex was contacted by a lawyer the day after I filed and I was going to give him the papers myself. I picked then up the next day and when I got home he already had a letter from a lawyer. They literally sent ir out the same day the paperwork was filed.

My ex knew it was coming though.

Wow, I don't know. She said she needs time to put the paperwork together. I'll have to sign something else at the end of the week. Then, once I pay for the lady who will serve him (she's supposed to call me in the next week), she's supposed to serve him 3-5 business days after and I'm like.. that's not specific enough you know? I need to know when to get out and I have to do it in a time frame where they can actually find him to serve him. If they can't find him, that causes more problems I think.

 

[Mr.Married]

Advice for you …. Yes !!!

You just gave yourself the best gift EVER !!!

Departure from that scum bag while you are still young will be your saving grace.

Honey you still have plenty time to get a new man. Choose wisely your second go round and do not compromise. Cut them off early if you have any doubts.

Stinky living arrangements with your parents is an easy fix with some cleaning and scrubbing. That’s a really easy price to pay.

 

[D0nnivain]

Don't worry about the filing & serving or even the advertising letters.

You made a decision after a lot of thought & work. Better you acknowledge that this isn't working & get out now. Staying makes it worse.

I'm concerned that you are now doubting he cheated. You know he cheated. That is why you are getting divorced. It wasn't a one off thing that could be brushed past as a mistake. Even if he didn't actually cheat, whatever behaviors he did that made you think he was cheating or at least deeply question his loyalty are grounds enough for divorce. There is a reason they call it No Fault. It doesn't matter why you want out; you can just end things.

If you don't believe him & the trust & the love are gone, there is no sense staying married.

I'm sorry that you will have clean your parents' home to render it acceptable for you to live there. As much as that sucks, know they will benefit from increased hygiene too . My mother was a hoarder so I understand the need. Look at it this way. Cleaning will give you a purpose in those 1st days so your mind will have something to focus on other than the divorce.

The new cross state lines commute sounds dreadful. Hopefully that will be short.

Be careful about the mortgage. Until your name is off it at the bank, it's still your responsibility. The bank doesn't care if you are getting divorced & your obligations don't end just because you moved & served him with papers. They want their money. If he doesn't pay, your credit will be ruined. Get that house sold or in his name as soon as possible. Keep track of every payment you make so you get credit for it. Do talk to your divorce lawyer about this or at least educate yourself if you don't want to pay the lawyer's hourly rate.

You are 28 not 68. Once you are divorced you can turn this around. You have a lot of life to live.

Best wishes.

 

[lifeistooshort]

Ok, if she's putting paperwork together then it hasn't been filed. You need to make sure you know exactly when your lawyer files it with the court because that's when it's public.

He can find out 5 minutes later if someone sees it so make plans.

 

[calmocean]

Ok, if she's putting paperwork together then it hasn't been filed. You need to make sure you know exactly when your lawyer files it with the court because that's when it's public.

He can find out 5 minutes later if someone sees it so make plans.

Thank you. I don't know how all of this works. I'm going to start packing today and just store my main stuff that I need. My lawyer said that I need to leave everything pretty much that is not needed at first so they can serve him. Then, I'll have to go back to get the rest of my stuff w/ an officer present.

 

[calmocean]

Don't worry about the filing & serving or even the advertising letters.

You made a decision after a lot of thought & work. Better you acknowledge that this isn't working & get out now. Staying makes it worse.

I'm concerned that you are now doubting he cheated. You know he cheated. That is why you are getting divorced. It wasn't a one off thing that could be brushed past as a mistake. Even if he didn't actually cheat, whatever behaviors he did that made you think he was cheating or at least deeply question his loyalty are grounds enough for divorce. There is a reason they call it No Fault. It doesn't matter why you want out; you can just end things.

If you don't believe him & the trust & the love are gone, there is no sense staying married.

I'm sorry that you will have clean your parents' home to render it acceptable for you to live there. As much as that sucks, know they will benefit from increased hygiene too . My mother was a hoarder so I understand the need. Look at it this way. Cleaning will give you a purpose in those 1st days so your mind will have something to focus on other than the divorce.

The new cross state lines commute sounds dreadful. Hopefully that will be short.

Be careful about the mortgage. Until your name is off it at the bank, it's still your responsibility. The bank doesn't care if you are getting divorced & your obligations don't end just because you moved & served him with papers. They want their money. If he doesn't pay, your credit will be ruined. Get that house sold or in his name as soon as possible. Keep track of every payment you make so you get credit for it. Do talk to your divorce lawyer about this or at least educate yourself if you don't want to pay the lawyer's hourly rate.

You are 28 not 68. Once you are divorced you can turn this around. You have a lot of life to live.

Best wishes.

Thank you. I love that you said it can keep my mind busy cleaning. I didn't think of it that way. My mind will be busy for a while then. He was literally with another woman the night before we signed for the house. They took selfies together and everything. He was literally paying other women for sexual acts. He doesn't deserve my forgiveness anymore, but I don't know why I keep feeling uncertain knowing everything he's done. I can't listen to my heart anymore at this point, and I feel like that's what's going to get me through this.

 

[D0nnivain]

You are feeling uncertain because change is scary. What's waiting you doesn't seem like a walk in the park (living with parents, all that cleaning, the long commute) but it's better then where you are.

Deep down, in your shoes, I'd be blaming myself. I'm great at that. But I would be wondering what I did wrong? Am I a failure? Why wasn't I enough? What could I have done better? The answer is you did nothing wrong & he was the one who strayed. You tried but in the face of overwhelming evidence it was past time to go. Still that self doubt creeps in. It shouldn't but it does. Whether you have acknowledged it or not, I suspect it's there. Explore this in therapy but objectively know you are doing the right thing.

When you waiver in your resolve look at the picture of him with the OW the night before you bought your house.

Keep moving forward. Love your dog. Hang in there.

 

[calmocean]

You are feeling uncertain because change is scary. What's waiting you doesn't seem like a walk in the park (living with parents, all that cleaning, the long commute) but it's better then where you are.

Deep down, in your shoes, I'd be blaming myself. I'm great at that. But I would be wondering what I did wrong? Am I a failure? Why wasn't I enough? What could I have done better? The answer is you did nothing wrong & he was the one who strayed. You tried but in the face of overwhelming evidence it was past time to go. Still that self doubt creeps in. It shouldn't but it does. Whether you have acknowledged it or not, I suspect it's there. Explore this in therapy but objectively know you are doing the right thing.

When you waiver in your resolve look at the picture of him with the OW the night before you bought your house.

Keep moving forward. Love your dog. Hang in there.

Thank you 💜

 

[calmocean]

Venting: I forgave, I tried couples therapy, and he hasn't changed. If he has changed recently, I no longer can tell. I'm not sure if I care anymore if he decides to be a changed man, which makes me sad. It hurts knowing he is going to be served the papers in a few weeks; it hurts that this is all happening. I start to wonder if I am doing the right thing. Is it worth starting over and having a new life. Of course it is. He's a serial cheater, so why am I feeling bad for him, the relationship, and myself? The logical thing for me to do is to leave; he has done so much. Why does this happen? Why do I feel like I need to try to fix our marriage when I knoooww I can't fix it alone? I am having to force myself to leave him and the house we just got together, because he's not the person I thought I married. He doesn't act like it for sure.

 

[Jimi007]

Your right... He's not the person you married.
You now know who he truly is...Live with it...Or get rid of it !

 

[BigDaddyNY]

Venting: I forgave, I tried couples therapy, and he hasn't changed. If he has changed recently, I no longer can tell. I'm not sure if I care anymore if he decides to be a changed man, which makes me sad. It hurts knowing he is going to be served the papers in a few weeks; it hurts that this is all happening. I start to wonder if I am doing the right thing. Is it worth starting over and having a new life. Of course it is. He's a serial cheater, so why am I feeling bad for him, the relationship, and myself? The logical thing for me to do is to leave; he has done so much. Why does this happen? Why do I feel like I need to try to fix our marriage when I knoooww I can't fix it alone? I am having to force myself to leave him and the house we just got together, because he's not the person I thought I married. He doesn't act like it for sure.

Your feelings stem from the fact that you actually cared about your husband, your marriage and your vows. They just show you have good character. Don't let that derail doing what is best for you. At the moment you need to put yourself first, just like every time he had sex with someone else. Be prepared for your husband to seem like a changed man once he is served, but don't be fooled. It will only last as long as he thinks it needs to in order to keep you around. Change is hard, but be brave, You are still young and can find you way, with or with being married.

 

[calmocean]

Your feelings stem from the fact that you actually cared about your husband, your marriage and your vows. They just show you have good character. Don't let that derail doing what is best for you. At the moment you need to put yourself first, just like every time he had sex with someone else. Be prepared for your husband to seem like a changed man once he is served, but don't be fooled. It will only last as long as he thinks it needs to in order to keep you around. Change is hard, but be brave, You are still young and can find you way, with or with being married.

Thank you. It's a nightmare. My lawyer told me to get the most important stuff out of the house. He noticed literally less than an hour ago and called me at work, and that was stuff in a closet. I have to try to convince him I'm not leaving until he's served but it's like he's looking for stuff because I have been as loving as I can be despite it all.

 

[D0nnivain]

Know you are doing the right thing. Don't waiver. When you feel uncertain about your decision, re-read this thread.

 

[uwe.blab]

Thank you. It's a nightmare. My lawyer told me to get the most important stuff out of the house. He noticed literally less than an hour ago and called me at work, and that was stuff in a closet. I have to try to convince him I'm not leaving until he's served but it's like he's looking for stuff because I have been as loving as I can be despite it all.

Do you think he is going to harm you? Why can't you just tell him you are ready to move on and let him know the papers are coming?

 

[calmocean]

Yes and I think that he will make sure he is unavailable if he knows papers are coming. He already said he won't give me a divorce

 

[BigDaddyNY]

Yes and I think that he will make sure he is unavailable if he knows papers are coming. He already said he won't give me a divorce

That's okay, he doesn't need to. You can do it on your own.

 

[D0nnivain]

Yes and I think that he will make sure he is unavailable if he knows papers are coming. He already said he won't give me a divorce

Process servers are in the business of tracking down & serving recalcitrant defendants. It's their day job & they know all the tricks. Plus if he ducks service, your lawyer can have him served through something called substituted service. Don't worry, he can only delay but not avoid a divorce. He might not "give" it to you but you can still take it; you may have to wait longer to see a judge & go the contested route but if you want out, this will eventually end.

 

[calmocean]

I have convinced him that I'm all into him at home again. He seems happier. He gets to stay out until 3am and have a happy wife at home. I can't wait until he is served. It should be within the next week. I'm going to go to the lawyer's office Monday and see where we stand. They said I have one more paper to sign. Then, they're going to have the person who will serve him call me. I'll pay that fee. Then, within 3-5 business days he will be served. I'll ask her if she can text me immediately when he's served and when she's on her way to him. That will give me a heads up at least. Hopefully she will be able to. I'm so ready to go. It sucks I have to be lovey dovey with him in the mean time, but my lawyer said it will help things go by much faster if I can get him served now. My parents told me that I need to get a storage unit and store my things in it. They said that as soon as he's served, they will come down and move my stuff. I have friends on standby too, to help. It's scary because he's never hurt me physically, but I have this feeling in my gut that he might once he's served.