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Discussion Starter #1 (Edited by Moderator)
I’m 28 years old. Married 8 years. Kids are 2,3 and 7.

I work full time. So does my husband. He also smokes pot all day when home. Is a very angry person. Had sex with a 20 year old 2 days before our 3 year old was born and I found out the day of. It was awful. it’s just been an awful relationship. I stayed because of his promises to change and my vision of a happy family (they never happened).

I decided to leave 2 weeks ago. I had enough. During this pandemic, he’s been smoking 24/7 all day everyday. High in front of the kids. He stinks. I can’t stand it.

my mom called and offered me a place to stay and help with the kids until I found work. She lives 4 hours away. So I came here to her house.

the first few days he ignored me. But I filed for separation and now he’s begging for me to come home and fix things. The attorney filed for me to have sole custody until he is sober for 6 months, only supervised visits until then.

the whole thing seems a little scary. My 7 year old is asking about his daddy. I feel very guilty. But it was a terrible situation. I have no support where we lived. Ugh. What am I doing! Will I even don’t another man when I have three kids? So many thoughts running through my head. I just need support.
 

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You can do this. IMO: you have made a wise decision. He does not sound like he was ever fully committed to y'alls marriage. His infidelity (that you know about) and his being more dedicated to pot than family suggest immaturity and cheater mentality that will not change permanently. You are setting a good example for your kids.
 

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First congratulations. You've taken the first step to getting your life back and having a happy future. Will it be hard yes. Will it be better than having your children grow up thinking this is normal and seeking relationship with a person like this yes. Will it be better than finding your 12 year old smoking pot because daddy does it? Yes.

Will you find another relationship with 3 kids. Probably. But don't worry about that. First deal with you. Deal with the divorce. Give yourself time to heal. Make sure your kids know you love them, daddy loves them and this isn't about them.

Then in the future you can worry about another man.
 

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First of all, don't worry about getting another man with three kids. The last thing you need to be thinking about is another man. You are still very much entangled with the one you have. And it may be years before you are divorced, healed and healthy enough to both be, and find, a great partner.

Instead, focus on moving forward one step at a time. Thinking about a single next step will seem much less daunting than trying to contemplate all the possible what-ifs of the rest of your life. So, just focus on whatever one thing is next.

Do you have your own bank accounts in just your name? If not, then do that.
Do you have your very own PO Box and do you have your mail forwarded to it? If not, then do that.
Do you have a job? If not, then you're going to need one, so start polishing up your resume and applying.
Has your attorney asked you for any paperwork? If so, start getting those documents together.

Don't try to worry about everything for the next 10 years. Worry about what one thing needs to be done next and go do it.
 

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Discussion Starter #8 (Edited by Moderator)
You can do this. IMO: you have made a wise decision. He does not sound like he was ever fully committed to y'alls marriage. His infidelity (that you know about) and his being more dedicated to pot than family suggest immaturity and cheater mentality that will not change permanently. You are setting a good example for your kids.
I’ve gotten a therapist since all of this started and she said the same thing about him not being fully committed. Ever.

I second guess myself. Is it right for me to “take my kids 4 hours from their dad” ?
Will I find a job here? I have a wonderful career and made good money back home. I am currently on a leave being paid due to Covid and the daycares being closed. I plan to quit once I find a new job. So I am still being paid.

but all the what if’s eat at me.

I don’t know how my child will re act. My therapist did give me good advise on how to talk to him though.

his mom makes me feel guilty. Texted me on Mother’s Day saying she can’t wait til this is he texted me saying he stopped smoking.

mu therapist said it doesn’t matter if he stops. Me and the kids still need to heal from years of this.

Hmmmm
 

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he texted me saying he stopped smoking.
So you believe this why? You said this:
I stayed because of his promises to change and my vision of a happy family (they never happened).
AND he didn't hold up to THOSE promises, so I'd say his track record is poor.
If HIS Mom tries to guilt you, tell HER about what her son has done to you and the family... Ask her what SHE would do if she was treated like this?

You may want to get a therapist for your child also if you think he needs it after he finds out.
 

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Discussion Starter #10
So you believe this why? You said this:

AND he didn't hold up to THOSE promises, so I'd say his track record is poor.
If HIS Mom tries to guilt you, tell HER about what her son has done to you and the family... Ask her what SHE would do if she was treated like this?

You may want to get a therapist for your child also if you think he needs it after he finds out.
you are SO right. But why do I feel so obligated to be the one to keep our family together?Why do I feel so guilty like I am the one doing this? I feel like if he says he has stopped, I should go back. That I shouldn’t be honest with my child.That I’m being a drama queen. Why do I feel this way. Wish therapy was an everyday thing.
 

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I’ve gotten a therapist since all of this started and she said the same thing about him not being fully committed. Ever.

I second guess myself. Is it right for me to “take my kids 4 hours from their dad” ?
Based on what he dealt you, yes.
Will I find a job here? I have a wonderful career and made good money back home. I am currently on a leave being paid due to
Covid and the daycares being closed. I plan to quit once I find a new job. So I am still being paid.
but all the what if’s eat at me.
Uncertainty is no picnic, I don't mean to downplay what you have on your plate. But it wasn't like you left the ideal situation to get here.
I don’t know how my child will re act.
It's no picnic for him either, but compare it to how he'd grow up w/ angry stoner cheating dad. You aren't God, you can't just make everything into what it ought to be. You can only do the best you can with what you have, and I think you are.

On a practical note, can you afford a place near your job if they call you back?
 

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you are SO right. But why do I feel so obligated to be the one to keep our family together?Why do I feel so guilty like I am the one doing this? I feel like if he says he has stopped, I should go back. That I shouldn’t be honest with my child.That I’m being a drama queen. Why do I feel this way. Wish therapy was an everyday thing.
You feel this way BECAUSE you are the giving type -- you WANT that family closeness and togetherness, you WANT to have a loving husband that puts you ahead of smoking pot.
You feel like he has stopped so you should go back -- that is GUILT and he knows your buttons. He is TRYING to do whatever he can so you will come back.

For some of your answers, you have it -- talk with your therapist.
It DOESN'T sound like drama queen stuff from what you've written.
He smokes pot IN FRONT OF YOUR KIDS (what kind of example is that?). He is unhygienic. He is angry all the time. He CHEATED ON YOU for God's sake!
BE honest with your child. BUT make it age-appropriate.
SAYING he is going to do something, or did something is WAY different from SHOWING that in his actions. I don't think in 2 weeks he's done any work on himself.
Has he gone to a therapist about WHY he cheated? Or WHY he is so angry? Or WHY he is so dependent on pot? Has he SHOWN you in his ACTIONS that he is trying to change?
 

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The odds that his promises to change will pan out are minimal. The truth is that few people put in the time and effort to change long-term. Too much work and not enough motivation.

I can tell you from experience that you can always come up with “reasons“ to stay in a dysfunctional marriage. I did for decades and I don‘t recommend it. Is divorce easy? Definitely not but it’s worth it in order to have a better life.
 

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Discussion Starter #15
You feel this way BECAUSE you are the giving type -- you WANT that family closeness and togetherness, you WANT to have a loving husband that puts you ahead of smoking pot.
You feel like he has stopped so you should go back -- that is GUILT and he knows your buttons. He is TRYING to do whatever he can so you will come back.

For some of your answers, you have it -- talk with your therapist.
It DOESN'T sound like drama queen stuff from what you've written.
He smokes pot IN FRONT OF YOUR KIDS (what kind of example is that?). He is unhygienic. He is angry all the time. He CHEATED ON YOU for God's sake!
BE honest with your child. BUT make it age-appropriate.
SAYING he is going to do something, or did something is WAY different from SHOWING that in his actions. I don't think in 2 weeks he's done any work on himself.
Has he gone to a therapist about WHY he cheated? Or WHY he is so angry? Or WHY he is so dependent on pot? Has he SHOWN you in his ACTIONS that he is trying to change?
Why does he want me to come back though? Why wouldn’t he just want to be single and do what he wants? It’s so weird to me.
He did start seeing a therapist last week, because I told him that’s part of what’d it’d take to get us back. That weekly. Being drug free for 6 months along with drug test.
I’d prefer to live near my family. I can afford my own place but have so much more support here.
 

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When you say you want to hold your family together, I shudder. As a father, husband, adult he has had ample opportunity to be part of a loving family and not just a sperm donor. Sounds like he has continued to live a single life.

He doesn't want the world to blame him for his shallow promises. Do not let anyone guilt you--especially MIL. You have lived this life. You are young and strong enough to recover from his false presentation--the man/boy you thought you loved.

You have a tender heart. Make up your mind and do not listen to all the multitude of advice--it will drive you to utter frustration. Do you want this kind of husband and father? He has shown you who/what he is--believe him.
 

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Why does he want me to come back though? Why wouldn’t he just want to be single and do what he wants? It’s so weird to me.
He did start seeing a therapist last week, because I told him that’s part of what’d it’d take to get us back. That weekly. Being drug free for 6 months along with drug test.
I’d prefer to live near my family. I can afford my own place but have so much more support here.
So, I don't know your H, so I can't REALLY say. My guess, he's comfortable with the life you had together. You took care of him and his kids, he got to smoke dope and do what he wanted knowing that you were just going to be there, no matter what he did. He doesn't need to be SINGLE to do what he wants -- he was already doing that.
So, You have your list of what he needs to do -- STICK to that if you are not ready to give up on the marriage. Be clear to him what those things are (you may want to research a bit and make sure ALL of what you want is in that list). There are others here who HAVE done reconciliation and maybe they can help add to the list of things you may want to consider.

Make sure he shows via his ACTIONS that he is willing to do what you need in your H. I'd make sure after a while that you talk with his therapist -- make sure he is going regularly. Make sure he knows why he acts the way he does and what work he is doing to change that.

So, if you want to live where you are now, after you get your other conditions satisfied, can't he move to where YOU are? May not be a bad idea to get him away from bad influences (i.e. friends that want to party with him). That can also be a condition. Look this is YOUR life -- YOU get to make the rules of what you want to put up with and what you want IN your life. Please take some time to think about that and what YOU want without letting guilt about him color those decisions.
 

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@thesky1291 you have done the right thing. An addict will make all the promises they can to lure you back in and then break every one of them. Why should you be concerned about him right now? The best thing for you and your family is to get another place to live, a job and some stability in terms of day care etc for your children. Do you have any close friends you can rely on back home or confide in? Your mother will not be the support you need.
You should also look into a local Nar-Anon for the family of addicts.
You feel this way because you are co-dependent after years of trying to cover for him, holding it all together. Now it is time to let that go. Read Co-dependent No More by Melody Beattie. It takes some time losing that co-dependency and in the early stages it is easy to get sucked into the care giver role. The fact you are 4 hours away is great.

Of course he will beg you to come back and promise you the earth. Don't believe a word of it and tell him when he shows you through action (e.g. staying clean for 12 months, getting a decent job, paying the bills, supporting his kids, etc). Then you will believe it.

You can do this, just take one day at a time.
 

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his mom makes me feel guilty. Texted me on Mother’s Day saying she can’t wait til this is he texted me saying he stopped smoking.
Have you told his mother what he has been doing with the cheating, pot, and basically not being a responsible husband and father?
 
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