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Hello all, I'm sorry if this is a ramble. I just have so much to say and no one to talk to about it. I am having marriage problems that are causing serious stress. I've been married for 2 years. We have known each other and dated off an on for 4 years prior. Things were a little rocky, but we both acknowledge what we needed to work on, and were striving to do that. Then half way through the first year of marriage, things started to go downhill. My husband has his moments when he just doesn't want to be bothered by anyone and wants to be alone. I respect that and tried my hardest to give him his space in a small apartment. At the same time, things were bad financially b/c he was out of work and i was pregnant. The majority of the bills fell on me, and i did what I could to keep his bills up to date as well. I tried to be positive and supportive in a tough situation, and let him know that I was there for him. But it just didn't seem like enough. He was hanging out with his friends at all hours of the night, and sometimes he didn't even come home. I'm not naive, but at the same time I didn't want to jump to any conclusions. He started talking about how much he missed being single, and how he would be better off financially. He could just get up and move to where better work was. But now he has a family and he's not being a man. I could tell depression was setting in. I was confiding in a close friend that we hung with regularly. He had gotten close to her husband. We could all relate because financially we all were struggling. We talked almost everyday about life in general and marriage. I expressed how difficult it was and how much i wanted it to work. And I told her how we never did anything together. I couldn't even get him to snuggle to watch a movie. I should have been more shocked at her occasional suggestions to separate or get a divorce, but I ignored them because those weren't options in my mind. She even threw me a baby shower. Then my 1 year anniversary came and it had to be one of the worst days in my life. I was still pregnant, hormonal, and my husband proceeds to tell me again how much he regretted getting married and was trying to get me to say i regretted it too. And it was until then that i started regretting it too, from so many times hearing him say how unhappy he was being married. Fast forward a month later, he finally tells me that he had cheated on me, and with my so-called friend. He said it only happened once and I was made to feel like it was my fault. Because I was confiding in her, she was going back to him and telling him things I was saying and they got close that way. I don't know what hurt more, the fact that he was unfaithful, while I was pregnant no less, or the fact that he feels it was my fault. I felt (still do) so betrayed by both. Fast forward to the present. I forgave him. He slept on the couch for a few months. I initially told him that I wanted him out, but b/c of the financially situation, I allowed him to sleep on the couch. Now I'm not completely innocent (which leads to our new fight) Before we had met, I had been with a few guys. We talked about our past, but for some reason I left out one guy. I really don't know why. He didn't know him, it only happened once, but I was ashamed. I thought if i added one more person he would think bad of me. A few months ago, he apparently learned about the other guy from a mutual friend. But when he asked me about it, I denied it. He asked again a couple of months later and I denied it again. Finally he asks again and I finally come out with it. I hated lying. And I knew my reasoning didn't make any sense. He says he's really bothered by it and it wasn't loving for me to lie. I agree, it wasn't. And I shouldn't have lied. Now he questions anything I have said. He already doesn't stay with me. He claims it's because where he is staying is closer to his job (yea, there really is A LOT going on). But now i'm worried that he's going to use this as an excuse to be unfaithful again. Even though I forgave him, I don't see him being as forgiving. I just don't know what to do. A part of me feels like I need to do all that I can to get him to forgive me, but at the same time, i don't feel like he did much of anything for me to forgive him. I really do just feel unloved and unwanted, mad, confused, sorry....just a mixed bag of emotions here that is really affecting my work. Once again...sorry for the ramble.
 

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You can fight all you want, but he does not want to be married anymore then it is all over. From what it sounds like he is looking for any excuse to get out. So why not let him. Ask him for a seperation. That means he is out of the house, not sleeping on the couch. Take care of yourself and the kids. If you have not cheated then you have nothing to feel guilty about.
 

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I'm sorry to say this but from his perspective the marriage is over and he is letting you down slowly. You do not deserve to be cheated on. I recommend getting some professional advice from a lawyer if you can. With a baby on the way and financial issues I feel for you as it must be very confusing and you probably feel like the rug has been pulled out from underneath you. Stay strong and do the best you can with what you have for now. Also check out the "180" as this may help save your sanity. He sounds like he could turn out to be a deadbeat Dad.

Do you have any other support besides the b*tch that says she's your friend and slept with your husband?
 

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He keeps telling you he does not want to be married to you. Maybe it is time you really listened to him. After all, you need to raise this child to have good selfesteem. How is that possible when mom lets herself be walked all over?
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He says he's really bothered by it and it wasn't loving for me to lie.
Oh really? This coming from a man who cheated on you? Give me a freaking break. I hope you aren't naive enough to put all this on your shoulders or allow him to put this on your shoulders! OK, fine, you didn't tell him about Mr. XYZ and that you slept with him (before H came into picture) and when asked about it you lied. That is nothing in comparison to the betrayal he did to you by sleeping with your supposedly best friend. While you were pregnant! You were able to forgive him for that but he can't let go of something that happened before you two were married? That makes him a class A jerk!

When someone shows you who they are, believe them. And not only is he showing you he doesn't want to be married by staying out all night and pretending to be single but he is telling you that he wants to be single. Well, why don't you give him a taste of what being single is like? He may hate it or he may love it but either way you need to do what is best for you and your child.

You deserve to be in a marriage with a partner who has the same life goals and commitment values you do. You can't fight for this marriage alone. And right now he is fighting with you, not FOR you. Before this marriage even has a glimmer of hope to succeed he needs to step up.
 

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Discussion Starter #6
Thanks all for your reply. After being betrayed by my so-called friend, I don't really trust confiding in anyone.

That means he is out of the house, not sleeping on the couch.
He actually isn't even staying at home. We got a bigger place, and after I signed the lease, he comes to me with some crap that he forgot he had signed a lease at another apartment when I had told him that I had wanted him to leave. So he only come's around about once a week. So in my mind I do feel like we're unofficially separated. I stopped grocery shopping for 'us' and just worry about me.

I'm working on getting stable financially. I don't have the funds to get a lawyer involved right now. I have support from my mom, but she doesn't know half of whats going on. I want to badly tell her, but I know once I do that, our marriage will pretty much be over b/c she of course is going to fight for me. But honestly I feel like it's over. I'm just not strong enough to just walk away. Scared really. I was raised without a father. Never wanted that for my child.
 

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Thanks all for your reply. After being betrayed by my so-called friend, I don't really trust confiding in anyone.



He actually isn't even staying at home. We got a bigger place, and after I signed the lease, he comes to me with some crap that he forgot he had signed a lease at another apartment when I had told him that I had wanted him to leave. So he only come's around about once a week. So in my mind I do feel like we're unofficially separated. I stopped grocery shopping for 'us' and just worry about me.

I'm working on getting stable financially. I don't have the funds to get a lawyer involved right now. I have support from my mom, but she doesn't know half of whats going on. I want to badly tell her, but I know once I do that, our marriage will pretty much be over b/c she of course is going to fight for me. But honestly I feel like it's over. I'm just not strong enough to just walk away. Scared really. I was raised without a father. Never wanted that for my child.
Its okay to be scared. I think you need to talk with your mom. He has made this mess. You are going to need help with the kids when it finally hits you.

You are doing a good job. Don't worry about the lawyer right now. Let him worry about filing. Also there are plenty of lawyers that do pro bono work and you will probably qualify financially. We are here if you need us!!!
 

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So he only come's around about once a week. So in my mind I do feel like we're unofficially separated. I stopped grocery shopping for 'us' and just worry about me.
In response to your original post, it is obvious he does not want to be married, he has cheated on you and he has not plans to improve the situation.

I will say that you lying to him was a dumb idea, but it is not related to his behavior, we all choose behavior on our own.

My question is, why do you allow him to come around at all? It is time for divorce and to move on with your life. I am not sure what you are afraid of losing, the liar, the cheater, the unemployed or the sorry excuse for a man.

You deserve so much better.
 

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Thanks all for your reply. After being betrayed by my so-called friend, I don't really trust confiding in anyone.



He actually isn't even staying at home. We got a bigger place, and after I signed the lease, he comes to me with some crap that he forgot he had signed a lease at another apartment when I had told him that I had wanted him to leave. So he only come's around about once a week. So in my mind I do feel like we're unofficially separated. I stopped grocery shopping for 'us' and just worry about me.

I'm working on getting stable financially. I don't have the funds to get a lawyer involved right now. I have support from my mom, but she doesn't know half of whats going on. I want to badly tell her, but I know once I do that, our marriage will pretty much be over b/c she of course is going to fight for me. But honestly I feel like it's over. I'm just not strong enough to just walk away. Scared really. I was raised without a father. Never wanted that for my child.
He "forgot" he signed a lease at another place. Who forgets stuff like that? Really? You do need to tell you mom whats going on and get some support from her. He's stringing you along playing on your emotions. Which are probably crazy right now due to pregnancy. ( this is not an insult by the way ) Look after you and the baby. :)
 

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He comes around to spend time with his child. I can't say that he comes around to spend time with me b/c you can just feel the tension. Sometimes I feel like he might be trying, but for the most part I don't. He is working now, but I still pay for things mostly unless I ask if he can help out.
 

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He "forgot" he signed a lease at another place. Who forgets stuff like that? Really?
Yea, that is a definite red flag to me, besides the fact that he won't give me an address to where he's staying. But I also don't have actual evidence that he's cheating so even if I suspect something is up, I'm not going to accuse him and be wrong. I have my female intuition which is usually halfway right. I may not know the actual action or who it's with, but I can sense when something isn't right. But I'm starting to feel like i've done all that I can. Like I said originally, I want to fight for it, but I am tired of it.
 
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