Talk About Marriage banner

141 - 160 of 243 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,749 Posts
I dont know if all the mens wives knew or not. My next question though would be even if they did know, I would consider that cheating or being unfaithful. What do you guys think.
She has also said on several occasions she thinks I'll get bored with monogamy since I've only had a couple sexual partners in my life, and thinks I should (with her permission) sleep with another person before we get married. I have expressed that I am firmly against this and I would consider anything of the such cheating.

Sent from my SM-G950U using Tapatalk
The reason she thinks you’ll become bored with monogamy (and presumably vanilla sex) is because SHE gets bored with monogamy and regular sex.

She is projecting her values and mores and beliefs onto you.

Again, you two have very different values, mores and beliefs. This is a basic compatibility issue.

She may be pretty. She may be sexy. She may be outgoing and pleasant. She may even take in and nurture stray kittens. But she isn’t a match for you in terms of sexual values and shared moral compass.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,749 Posts
I dont know if she wants to have a threesome but rather she thinks I should have like a 1 night stand before we get married

Sent from my SM-G950U using Tapatalk
And how does she propose you do this??

How does a guy with traditional values and moral compass that has only been with a few sexual partners in his life (which I assume were within the contexts of dating relationships) even go about finding a one night stand so he can experience another women to appease his fiance’

About the only woman on the planet that would have sex for a night with some “Nice Guy” to appease his fiance’ is in a fact another prostitute/escort etc.

And she thinks this is desirable and a good thing????????? 😮

Do you see what we mean when we say that you two come from two different worlds and have completely different values and different moral compasses?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,749 Posts
Now that being said, I do kind of agree with her in a strange and twisted way and in a different context.

I do think you need to get back on the open dating market and start dating other women.

Not so that you can appease your BDSM woman and check off some kind of magical notches on your bed post for her.

But so you can get out there and find someone who’s values and moral compass are in alignment with yours.

In a way she is kind of right - but for the wrong reason.

You do need to get out there and get more experience and wisdom so that you can make a more informed choice and aren’t thinking you want to be with her simply because she is a girl that is giving you the time of day.

You need to get out there and become a more skilled and experienced and discriminating dater and more experienced at attracting and choosing women that are more compatible with you on a more basic and fundamental level.

Your fiancé is correct in a twisted way, but you do need to get out and get more experience and wisdom and streetwise before you can make the conscious choice and commitment to be with someone like her.

As I said in an earlier post, the reason she has divulged this information to you is to see if you are going to be ok with a woman like her and make an informed and conscious choice to remain with her knowing who and what she is vs knowing what else is out there.

If you get out and date a wide variety of women that are more traditional and share the same values as you, and after that you still come back and choose to be with her - then that is a man that is making an informed and conscious decision on who he wants to be with.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,749 Posts
If you get out and date a wide variety of women that are more traditional and share the same values as you, and after that you still come back and choose to be with her - then that is a man that is making an informed and conscious decision on who he wants to be with.
Now if you do end up coming back and choosing her - you will need to do that with the knowledge and understanding that she will need to be with a variety of men and women over time.

Just because you put a ring on it doesn’t mean that ring will magically transform her into a traditional church girl.

I’m actually getting more respect for this gal the more info about her you provide. She is telling you and showing you who and what she is. Believe her.

She is telling you that she is not a traditional church girl with traditional values and mores and that she does not believe in traditional, monogamous man-woman, exclusive relationships.

She is telling you about her past and reccommending you get with other women to determine if you are cut out for a non traditional relationship and cut out for nonmonogamy.

Even SHE is recognizing that you two have completely different sexual blueprints and is questioning your compatibility.

She is offering you a way to either get into the nonmonogamy/non traditional game to determine if you can play in her league - or to opt out and decide this relationship isn’t for you.

Either way you are going to have to grow some giblets and man up.

You are either going to have to take a walk on the wild side and get at least tolerant of the nonmonogamous/non traditional lifestyle and accept that you future wife will be getting with other men and women.

Or you are going to have embrace your own values and moral compass and throw this one back and go back to fishing in a more traditional pond.

Either choice is going to require balls and sacrifice.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
947 Posts
I dont know if all the mens wives knew or not. My next question though would be even if they did know, I would consider that cheating or being unfaithful. What do you guys think.
She has also said on several occasions she thinks I'll get bored with monogamy since I've only had a couple sexual partners in my life, and thinks I should (with her permission) sleep with another person before we get married. I have expressed that I am firmly against this and I would consider anything of the such cheating.

Sent from my SM-G950U using Tapatalk
She does not want you to have a leg to stand on when she does some guys at her bachelorette party. Think about this...she may be standing at the alter marrying you while other mens sperm are swimming up her stream looking for that egg. Which by the way she does not consider it cheating.

Dude the bridge is out!!...get off the train!!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,749 Posts
I want to add one other thing.

I get the feeling you may be a bit of a rescuer and a white knight with a bit of a Knight In Shining Armor complex.

A part of you may see her as a damsel in distress that needs rescuing and that if you rescue her then she will repay you with her love and desire and fidelity.

FULL STOP 🛑 DONT DON’T DO THIS!!

For starters, I don’t think she’s a damsel in distress that needs rescuing. I’m beginning to think she is more aware of and understands the situation here better than you do.

I’m beginning to think this is a self-aware woman that knows the score and better understands the nature and complexity of the situation than you do.

She has embraced and accepted a non traditional lifestyle and doesn’t have a problem with it.

She understands you have an issue with it and wants you to understand who and what she is and wants you to make an informed and conscious choice on whether you will fully accept her as she really is or not.

That’s not a damsel in distress that needs rescuing. That’s a self-aware woman that needs you to grow a pair and make a hard decision about your future.

I’m beginning to think she may not be some drug addicted, train wreck with daddy issues that is desperate to find some beta boy that will put a roof over her head and provide for her disputes her past.

I’m beginning to think she is a self-aware woman that wants to know if you have what it takes to be with a woman like her or not.

That will be one of the biggest and most influential decisions of you life. Make it wisely.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,749 Posts
She does not want you to have a leg to stand on when she does some guys at her bachelorette party. Remember at the honeymoon when you go down on her and she is a little musky....probably from the guys from the night before at the BP. Which by the way she does not consider it cheating.

Dude the bridge is out!!...get off the train!!
Blowing the male stripper and banging some dude in the bathroom at a bachelorette party are acts of impulsivity and irresponsibility that even church girls that cite bible verses and preach about morality and fidelity do.

I'm beginning to think this gal is more self-aware and methodical than the typical train wreck with daddy issues.

I think she herself is challenging @zbrown210 to man up and make some tough decisions on whether she is the right person for him or not.

I'm beginning to see her less as someone with a drug history and daddy issues and personality disorder that is desperate to find a beta "nice guy" that will have her and provide for her vs a woman that accepts her nontraditional and non monogamous lifestyle and is looking for a man that can knowingly accept that and accept her.

The train wreck with daddy issues hides or greatly downplays her past and clings on to her potential beta provider like a bear trap. She tries to present herself as the perfect church girl that simply stumbled on the path to righteousness.

The train wreck screams, "pick me! pick me!"

The self aware woman says, "this is who and what I am. Are you strong enough to accept that and treat me with the love and honor a husband should?"

The train wreck wails and cries and throws herself to her knees begging for foregiveness and another chance when she bangs the play'a at the bar.

This gal has told zbrown about her past with a straight face and has not only not asked for forgiveness but has not even implied wrongdoing.

I think she is less the ditzy bimbo that would blow a male stripper and bang some dude in the bathroom of a bar at the bachelorette party vs a woman who will want to have an accepted female lover on the side and will want to engage in alternative lifestyle activities periodically such as BDSM clubs and swinger parties or even polyamorous lovers involved in their marital lives.

She is presenting these things to zbrown so that he can make an informed decision on if she is who and what he wants to be with or not.

Her actions and statements thus far have appeared to me to be more methodical and purposeful rather than impulsive and reckless.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,749 Posts
The self aware woman says, "this is who and what I am. Are you strong enough to accept that and treat me with the love and honor a husband should?"
I've kind of written a novel this morning, but this whole thread can be boiled down to this question.

This is where you are and this is the base question that you need to address for yourself.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,749 Posts
"

The self aware woman says, "this is who and what I am. Are you strong enough to accept that and treat me with the love and honor a husband should?"
I should also add - "..or strong enough to end the relationship if you aren't."

Both will take balls and sacrifice.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,840 Posts
Blowing the male stripper and banging some dude in the bathroom at a bachelorette party are acts of impulsivity and irresponsibility that even church girls that cite bible verses and preach about morality and fidelity do.

I'm beginning to think this gal is more self-aware and methodical than the typical train wreck with daddy issues.

I think she herself is challenging @zbrown210 to man up and make some tough decisions on whether she is the right person for him or not.

I'm beginning to see her less as someone with a drug history and daddy issues and personality disorder that is desperate to find a beta "nice guy" that will have her and provide for her vs a woman that accepts her nontraditional and non monogamous lifestyle and is looking for a man that can knowingly accept that and accept her.

The train wreck with daddy issues hides or greatly downplays her past and clings on to her potential beta provider like a bear trap. She tries to present herself as the perfect church girl that simply stumbled on the path to righteousness.

The train wreck screams, "pick me! pick me!"

The self aware woman says, "this is who and what I am. Are you strong enough to accept that and treat me with the love and honor a husband should?"

The train wreck wails and cries and throws herself to her knees begging for foregiveness and another chance when she bangs the play'a at the bar.

This gal has told zbrown about her past with a straight face and has not only not asked for forgiveness but has not even implied wrongdoing.

I think she is less the ditzy bimbo that would blow a male stripper and bang some dude in the bathroom of a bar at the bachelorette party vs a woman who will want to have an accepted female lover on the side and will want to engage in alternative lifestyle activities periodically such as BDSM clubs and swinger parties or even polyamorous lovers involved in their marital lives.

She is presenting these things to zbrown so that he can make an informed decision on if she is who and what he wants to be with or not.

Her actions and statements thus far have appeared to me to be more methodical and purposeful rather than impulsive and reckless.
So the only issue I have is that IF she is a self-aware woman who does NOT want a monogamous relationship, she should flat out tell him and discuss it. She should TELL him that she needs multiple partners, non-vanilla sex and will not be monogamous. Hinting around at it, coming at it in a roundabout fashion -- NONE of that is good.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,749 Posts
So the only issue I have is that IF she is a self-aware woman who does NOT want a monogamous relationship, she should flat out tell him and discuss it. She should TELL him that she needs multiple partners, non-vanilla sex and will not be monogamous. Hinting around at it, coming at it in a roundabout fashion -- NONE of that is good.
I would agree with you on that.

But the question is, has she actually tried, and has @zbrown210 even came out and talked to her about that?

We need to keep in mind that many women find it extremely difficult to discuss sex AT ALL with a potential spouse.

Compared to the garden variety woman on the street, she has been extremely forthcoming.

zbrown is striking me as a pretty traditional guy and my guess is he is making some sweeping assumptions on what marital sex and fidelity etc would look like and I'd be willing to bet he has clammed up pretty quick and headed into his man-cave to contemplate what she has told him rather than openly discussing what this means with her.

I am willing to bet a whole dollar that he has discussed this more with us than he has with her.

Has he given her an open and safe and nonjudgmental venue to have these serious discussions?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,749 Posts
So the only issue I have is that IF she is a self-aware woman who does NOT want a monogamous relationship, she should flat out tell him and discuss it.
And at this stage of the game, a part of her may want a traditional relationship to one degree or another.

The real question is for how long???? We may need a chrystal ball for that one.

She may be down for having traditional relationship and marriage for a period of time. But even the most traditional women and church ladies and such get restless and start yearning for some variety and such after kids and years and years of marriage.

My wife had not even heard of swingers and didn't even know that it was even legal for married people to have consensual sex with others. But after 10 years of marriage and two kids, she went for it and we spent about 10 years in the swinging lifestyle.

Our lives are a series of seasons. We all change and evolve and adapt as we age.

Maybe she will be wanting to be swinging from the chandeliers and will want to have Brazilian circus midgets flog her with wet lasagna noodles after a few years of marriage. Maybe she'll just want a foot rub on the couch vegging infront of Netflix.

None of us have that chrystal ball but either way this is something that they are going to have to have some serious, open discussions about.

I'm not sure they've actually done that yet.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
26 Posts
Discussion Starter #154
And at this stage of the game, a part of her may want a traditional relationship to one degree or another.

The real question is for how long???? We may need a chrystal ball for that one.

She may be down for having traditional relationship and marriage for a period of time. But even the most traditional women and church ladies and such get restless and start yearning for some variety and such after kids and years and years of marriage.

My wife had not even heard of swingers and didn't even know that it was even legal for married people to have consensual sex with others. But after 10 years of marriage and two kids, she went for it and we spent about 10 years in the swinging lifestyle.

Our lives are a series of seasons. We all change and evolve and adapt as we age.

Maybe she will be wanting to be swinging from the chandeliers and will want to have Brazilian circus midgets flog her with wet lasagna noodles after a few years of marriage. Maybe she'll just want a foot rub on the couch vegging infront of Netflix.

None of us have that chrystal ball but either way this is something that they are going to have to have some serious, open discussions about.

I'm not sure they've actually done that yet.
We've had a couple but it usually gets tense because she feels like I'm digging and doesnt always like opening up about her past. As for the future these will definitely be things we need to discuss

Sent from my SM-G950U using Tapatalk
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
8,293 Posts
We've had a couple but it usually gets tense because she feels like I'm digging and doesnt always like opening up about her past. As for the future these will definitely be things we need to discuss

Sent from my SM-G950U using Tapatalk
You are already engaged to be married, the time to find out is now. You dont need to delve into her past, you need to tell her that if you stay together then any sort of sexual activity (including what she did in the past)outside marriage for both if you is a complete no no. The fact that she has already suggested that shows to me that she wont remain faithful.

Many of us here can see that you are far from being compatable, but you are refusing to see it despite the many alarm bells and red flags.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,749 Posts
We've had a couple but it usually gets tense because she feels like I'm digging and doesnt always like opening up about her past. As for the future these will definitely be things we need to discuss

Sent from my SM-G950U using Tapatalk
Yes you do.

I am not saying this to be provocative or as any kind of put down but as simple, honest fact - you are going to need to grow a spine and man-up and have some of the most open and honest discussions you have ever had.

Open and honest in this case will mean threatening to you and will also need to be challenging to some of your deepest core beliefs and values.

I think you know what you need to know about her past. Will it really matter if she stuck a dildo up 8 guy's butts or 10 guy's butts? Will it really matter if she charged them $350 to do it or $500?

The root questions here are -

- can you love and honor and cherish her the way a husband should with this as part of her past?

- will you two be able (or even willing) to reconcile your traditional nature and her non traditional nature?

You two come from two different molds from two different factories.

The reason she tenses up and doesn't like to talk about it is she can sense your judgement and disdain.

For you to remain in this relationship is going to take some hard discussions on what kind of lives you both are wanting and willing to have together. That will take balls and sacrifice.

For you to opt out of this relationship based on what will be best for you (and presumably her as well) will take balls and sacrifice.

Are you picking up on the common theme here????





a
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
26 Posts
Discussion Starter #158
You are already engaged to be married, the time to find out is now. Many of us here can see that you are far from being compatable, but you are refusing to see it despite the many alarm bells and red flags.
No I can see it. Yes it took me a while but I do.

Sent from my SM-G950U using Tapatalk
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
26 Posts
Discussion Starter #159
Yes you do.

I am not saying this to be provocative or as any kind of put down but as simple, honest fact - you are going to need to grow a spine and man-up and have some of the most open and honest discussions you have ever had.

Open and honest in this case will mean threatening to you and will also need to be challenging to some of your deepest core beliefs and values.

I think you know what you need to know about her past. Will it really matter if she stuck a dildo up 8 guy's butts or 10 guy's butts? Will it really matter if she charged them $350 to do it or $500?

The root questions here are -

- can you love and honor and cherish her the way a husband should with this as part of her past?

- will you two be able (or even willing) to reconcile your traditional nature and her non traditional nature?

You two come from two different molds from two different factories.

The reason she tenses up and doesn't like to talk about it is she can sense your judgement and disdain.

For you to remain in this relationship is going to take some hard discussions on what kind of lives you both are wanting and willing to have together. That will take balls and sacrifice.

For you to opt out of this relationship based on what will be best for you (and presumably her as well) will take balls and sacrifice.

Are you picking up on the common theme here????





a
Yes I understand what you're putting down.

Sent from my SM-G950U using Tapatalk
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
31 Posts
She has also said on several occasions she thinks I'll get bored with monogamy since I've only had a couple sexual partners in my life, and thinks I should (with her permission) sleep with another person before we get married. I have expressed that I am firmly against this and I would consider anything of the such cheating.
Dude Im starting to think you are a troll. If not you are the most naive man walking the planet. You live in a hallmark movie fantasy world of roses and chocolates. read the books I recommended in my prior post. Read them for your own sake. Stop putting your head in the sand. read the thread by Joka (old thread 2014). He realized he was a chump. You are the stable guy she sees as providing a safe home and respectability. Your the plain vanilla commitment beta guy. She's going to get bored fast. Read the Predatory Female for another version of what marriage is. One you are not aware of. It was written by an airline pilot. You are going to end up as a future chump. Does this chick have a high body count? Big red flag. Is she seeing other guys? I bet you have suspicions. Does she talk about other men? Find out her whereabouts when you don't see her for a few days and she texts you stuff like "miss you"; "thinking of you". She might have an ex on the side. things to consider. Why does she want to marry you? Due diligence. It beats the misery of what Joka and many others went through. You don't seem like a confident leader to me.
 
141 - 160 of 243 Posts
Top