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Fiancee Lied about BC got pregnant and then went and had an abortion

63K views 456 replies 64 participants last post by  Vinnydee 
#1 ·
Hello all, I am new here and in need of some advice on my relationship. My Fiancee and I are both 28 she is black and I am white we have been together for 12 years yep since high school just beating the odds. Well, we both are settled in and have our careers going and finally just moved in together. Anyways we have both always wanted kids but we were waiting until after we got married which we have been saving money for the wedding and so we have been practicing a lot of safe sex BC condoms the whole nine yards. Well, a while ago she told me she wanted to have sex without the condom and not to worry she was still on her BC as well. So I said what the hell, anyways a little bit after that she told me she was pregnant and it was a shock I am not going to lie with how careful we have been. Well, she confessed she didn't use the morning after pill and she had stopped taking her BC. So I was naturally quite angry. But that subsided and I was honestly really excited about becoming a father. But then she drops the bombshell that she had gone and gotten an abortion without even freaking talking to me. Because she didn't want me to be angry at her or be resentful of this child. I am not going to lie this was an incredibly hurtful betrayal of trust to me and I just didn't know what else to do so I broke up with her or at the very least put things on hold and I have been staying with a friend for a few days. She has been heartbroken and in tears and begging me to come back but I don't know if I can, The lies coupled with killing our child just it has broken my heart and I don't know how to cope or move past this. I mean I still love her more than anything in the world I just do not know what to do. I do still love her a lot, you can't wipe away 12 years worth of feelings and emotions that easily. But my trust feels very much so broken. She has never lied or been dishonest with me before so I am unsure why she decided to do so here instead of talking with me like we normally have always done.
 
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#63 ·
She wanted to build a marriage trap. Don't set yourself up for more of the same latter in life.
They're ENGAGED. There's no need for a so-called 'marriage trap' in their situation.

I'm also voting that this pregnancy was likely not the OP's baby.
 
#3 ·
On this, this abortion matter.

When it is some other persons 'forming' almost-child that is put to death, it seems not to matter, or matters less.

When it is your own it becomes real, a real baby.

One that was put to death.

A cruel thing this, one that is never given true consequence.

It is a convenience thing, not infanticide.

A women's right. A baby's death.

The two sides will never square.

And should not.
 
#4 ·
Does she have a history of deception with you? Without any information on that subject, this comes across as really out-of-character. I would wonder what changed to cause this change in her.

For me personally, my SO having an abortion of my child without discussion or my knowledge would absolutely be a deal-breaker. However for me, it would demonstrate a fundamental character/value discrepancy that I'd be thankful to be aware of before going through with the marriage.

Something seems very wrong here. I'd say take all of the time you need. 12 years is a long time, but it's not as long as "forever".
 
#199 ·
It doesn't make any sense. :surprise:

To the OP: How are you going to solve problems as a couple when she does these life altering things without talking to you first?

1. Stops BC and lies about it. (WHY? You were engaged and planning kids later anyhow.)
2. Kills the baby she wanted so badly that she lied to you to get pregnant.

Honestly? It sounds like she is mentally ill. Certainly not good at considering the long term consequences of pretty much anything.
 
#9 ·
To trick you into having a kid is bad enough, then aborting the kid without sharing what should be done is not good.
Was your first reaction so bad that she was scared of you? She is making terrible choices for sure but we are basing it on what you have told us. Have there been discussions about marriage or lack of marriage, etc. Did she do this to force your hand or something? It all smells totally off, and if you are blameless in this sorry saga, then run for the hills.
If however, you are not blameless in this saga, do tell us more, we are listening.
 
#12 ·
@Loyaltyaboveallelse can you be a bit more specific with your timeline. How soon after the unprotected sex did she say she was pregnant.
And how soon after that did she get the abortion.
Could she have cheated and thought she was pregnant only to find out it was a false alarm and then concoct the abortion story.
Either way do not get married.
 
#18 ·
About three months after give or take around late July she said she was pregnant, but She didn't drop the abortion bombshell on me until last week. We normally have had amazing communication at least I thought we had. She has never been deceptive or lied to me like this before. And she has been pushier of late about getting married even wanting to forgo the big wedding and just elope. I hadn't put much thought into it honestly because after 12 years whats a little longer of a wait honestly?
 
#13 ·
I think it is wise to separate yourself from this situation so you can think more clearly and re-evaluate what your long term move will be and if you think she'll be a good mate for the next 30-50 years.

Making such huge, life altering decisions that directly affect you and not even telling you or talking to you and keeping it all to herself while she makes the decisions is really bad.

Your views on abortion will probably play into this a lot. If you view it this as "this was just some mass of cells you didn't even want" you might not resent it as much.

If you view this as "this was your little son or daughter and she killed them without even talking to you about first" than there is probably a good chance you'll always have a deep resent for her and there is a good chance you'll never be right with her again and you may want to think about ending this.
 
#16 ·
Either way, communication between 2 individuals for the span of 12 years is seriously limited....

You are telling us that all of a sudden, GF just starts getting wishy washy with the birth control? And have you guys ever discussed abortion prior? 12 years is A LOT of time to be not discussing your personal beliefs and morality....

That being said, I do feel there is a different side to this story. And that resides with your GF. It may be wise to get some outside help and discuss what the motivation behind her actions are and if they are truly valid....

I would hope that she isn't a cheat...But WE ALL know that means little these days. But to actually think that she could hang the horns on you and then deceive you into daddyville? That is a BIG step for one to take from a "normal" long term relationship...She would obviously think that she would have the means to do so....

Or has she ever been pushy concerning the relationship goals and future Mr. and Mrs. treatment? Could she really be so conniving..
 
#19 ·
Just to summarize: she gets pregnant, you start to get excited about it, she gets cold feet and aborts without discussing it with you.

What changes if and when you are married?

There is something seriously wrong with your fiance, not the least of which are horrendous decision making and complete lack of respect for you and the relationship.
 
#22 ·
You aren't "beating the odds". You're staying in a relationship with someone who is, at best, irresponsible. At worst, she's manipulative and a liar who cannot be trusted. Honestly, I'm going to guess "at worst". She's a manipulative liar who cannot be trusted and you're so naive you believe her.
 
#23 ·
Well Thank you all, I don't foresee myself as naive just maybe too loyal and too in love. It is hard to move away from something in which you have dumped 12 years of your life with. I honestly don't know what I will be doing given me a lot of think about honestly, I don't want to accuse her of cheating if she isn't and frankly I have no proof of that. She and her family want me to try and fix it as well as my family but a couple friends that I am extremely close with want me to run very far away from this entire situation. My trust is very much broken I just like I said it is hard to move on from the only person you have ever loved.
 
#24 ·
Of course her family wants you to work it out. They want you to take her off of their hand, so to speak.

Dude, if you need to investigate read the standard evidence post here to find out what she deleted off of her phone and get a look at her computer.

MOST WOMEN do not abort a baby the BELONGS to the man that they plan to marry. It is not impossible but highly unlikely.

She was pregnant by someone else, not you.

Further, even if is was you, she killed your first child. Who does that?

No dude, you need to run and never look back...
 
#27 ·
I’d have dumped her as well.

Whether she aborted your child or someone else’s (and, FWIW, that sounds pretty likely), she’s doesn’t sound like marriage material.
 
#46 ·
My emotions are telling me that I still very much love her and would still possibly want to marry her but my head is saying just to stay away. I still have to go back and get my stuff out of the place Just waiting for a time when I can go without her being there and when my friends can help me. She wants to talk to me tonight after she gets off work but I haven't really responded about meeting up with her yet because I am unsure what good it would do. Other than her possibly trying to manipulate my feelings against me in some way.
 
#49 ·
She wants to talk to me tonight after she gets off work but I haven't really responded about meeting up with her yet because I am unsure what good it would do. Other than her possibly trying to manipulate my feelings against me in some way.
That's your head telling you that, and it's exactly right.
 
#50 ·
She has destroyed your trust, and introduced a killshot of perpetual doubt into your relationship.

You are mourning and in pain right now so you may not realize it.

Time heals some wounds, but in some cases it reveals others.

Looking back you may one day say your biggest mistake was staying with her.

We hear guys saying it here all the time.
 
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