Talk About Marriage banner
Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 19 of 19 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
2 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hi,

I am in a dilema. I am a divorced father and my fiancee has one 11 year old child. I get along with her child pretty well. But my fiancee distrusts and dislikes my 2 children. When I have my visitation with my kids, her daughter participates and enjoys my kids but my fiancee hides out and avoids my children.

Awhile back, my finacee found that my daughter had been emailing her mother during my visitation and making up stories of how she was doing dishes and cleaning the floors when she was over. Nothing could be further from the truth. My finacee read those emails and was very upset. When I confronted my daughter she was sorry but felt my finacee had no right to read her emails. It has been bad ever since.

It has been several months since that event, my daughter seems to have forgotten about it but my fiancee has not. I try to explain to her that we need to forgive and move on but the situation is getting worse. There is no interaction between my finacee and my kids and it seems you can cut the air with a knife.

I get along very well with my finacee except for this problem. Were rarely argue, if so it always seems to be about my children.

I am wondering if this is a relationship killer or should I work at it. I know relationships take work but I also don't want to be in denial.

I appreciate your advise.

Thanks
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
3,707 Posts
For me my children would always come first, period. It doesn't mean thr five of you can't work on things however, bit if she keeps this grudge and treats them this way than it would be a deal breaker BEFORE the marriage.

Your daughter sided with her mother, is that a big surprise?

Your daughter reacted to the woman she thinks is in the way of mom and dad, another surprise?

Your wife is acting as immature as your daughter was, but your wife still is?

Communication is a key to resulving it, and her hiding is only making things worse.

draconis
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
3,278 Posts
How old are your children? How long since you divorced their mom? Do you understand why your daughter lied? I'm wondering if her mom has taken the divorce/upcoming remarriage hard and this is your daughter's way to protect her mom? She may just feel a sense of loyalty to her mom and needs to downplay (or in this case exaggerate/lie) to make her mom feel better about her visits with you. At any rate, the more you understand your daughter's motives as an adult and mom herself, you fiance should be able to show some empathy towards her. She should also apologize for invading your daughter's privacy. They are kids who have been put in an awkward situation...your fiance should be more worried about how they are adapting not what others might think of her...if it were me, I'd make sure this was resolved before getting married...and it can be if your fiance is willing.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
22 Posts
MY MAN....BE A DAD AND A FATHER!!!! Your fiancee wants to be part of your life but doesn't want any part of your children?! What do you think is going to happen when the question comes up about paying for college each of the children. Who do you think she is going to allocate more money to? In fact, who is she going to be more loyal to, your children or her child. Dude, don't sacrifice your wants and desires for the emotional distrust you are going to give to your children.
When it comes to trust and loyalty who do you think your kids are going to think you are loyal to. You are going to teach your children that a father can throw his children that he say, "I love you, no matter what" under the bus if they come between him and some woman that doesn't even like the kids. Stand up and be a man who actually loves his children.
Why should they suffer for your actions. From personal experience I would have hated it if my dad got remarried. My dad showed and taught me that you do not sacrifice children on the altar of your desires.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
38 Posts
I was in this situation just a few months ago and my husband and I are now separated.My children come first and alway's will,if your fiancee does not like you daughter now chances are she is not going to like her after you are married.
I wish I had known before I got married my feelings my husband had towards my daughter I would have never married him.You could try family counselling that may help.blended families are sometimes very difficult.I wish you the best of luck.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
22 Posts
I wish I had known before I got married my feelings my husband had towards my daughter I would have never married him.
Thank you for sharing this. It is so important to not sacrifice your children for the mistakes of the adults. And we wonder why daughters are emotionally unstable. Although you can create an environment that makes it better for your children, after the fact, it shouldn't have happened. I don't want to sound harsh but my goodness....WE have to teach kids by example that commits like marriage must be taken slowly and thoughtfully because those commits are sacred.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,706 Posts
I also had a step-father that hated me, it made my life miserable. I often thought of suicide while a teenager living in that house.

glad I never did and glad I found a great wife and love my children to death.

Never let anyone come between you and your children.

I agree, Dump and move on.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2 Posts
Discussion Starter · #14 ·
tookind14, please tell us you have reconsidered your thought to keep this woman who doesn't like your kids.
Thanks for all your advise. We had a long discussion about the subject yesterday evening. It comes down to this. It's complicated but I will do my best to explain.

It appears that my mother has been calling her and constantly making my chidlren out as victims of divorce. She insists that my finacee make me spend more time with my children. My mother does not like my finacee child either and is known to put my kids on a pedestal. I have since put my mother in her place but the bad precedent has been set. My finacees feels she is doomed beause my mother keeps interjected her opinions into the whole situation. Of course my children seem to playing into the whole thing. I would never have expected my own family to make problems for me. My mothers butting in has lead to much mistrust.

Ugh, what to do.

Thanks
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
27 Posts
Has your fiance actually told you that she dislikes your kids or is she feeling that it is too difficult to find a common ground when your child may be exagerating the truth to the natural mother? I would NEVER suggest that any child be made uncomfortable, but a child's insecurity can condemn the new relationship. It takes a long time to build trust & friendship between 'the new partner' and 'the children'. A lot will depend on your sensitivity to both parties and lots of gentle talk to both. I do know of one situation when the children DELIBERATELY drove the couple apart, but equally I know that many children suffer terribly from the cruelty (verbal) of a STEP-parent. Only you will be able to weigh up which applies in your circumstance. Is your child usually a well-behaved person and does your partner have any justified reason for backing away? I hope that you find a happy outcome. x
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
27 Posts
I just had another thought//

Is there a reason for your mother to dislike your fiancee? Imagine that this problem didn't exist and that you were already married, is it correct for a mother or a mother-in-law to be passing comment or judgement on anything to do with your relationship without first being asked for their opinion? I do feel for the children, completely, they may or may not adjust to you being with ANYBODY other than their mother. I also feel for your fiancee, she doesn't seem to be accepted by anybody else but you. She's living in the shadows. I hope that she will keep trying to make a breakthrough with your children, but it would be easier for her if she was given a chance without other peoples interference. Good luck. x
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6 Posts
I had a similar situation - when we were dating and then engaged, my husband (now) and my oldest son did not get along. My son was 13 at the time. Unfortunately, this is a very difficult age to bring a new parent figure into you home. Anyway, if you read the separate post I made (My Husband hates my son....)- you will understand that these situations can escalate beyond control. In hindsight, there are things I could have done differently - but the end result is that now that my husband and I are married - he is much more demanding and controlling about how much time I spend with my son - and my son is not allowed in our home -even for holidays. I am a very family oriented person...so this has been heartbreaking for me. Think seriously - if you think things will just get better with time.....or that your fiance will come around --- think again......and be prepared, because it may never happen no matter how much you love your fianace or how much she loves you. The negative feelings that my husband has for my son is the ONLY problem we have in our relationship.......and it is tearing us apart. I have found that love cannot conquer all. I wish it could. Good luck!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
41 Posts
Wow, that is a bad situation. Have you asked your daughter why she sent that email? I suggest you sit with her privately, then again with your girlfriend t get to the root of the situation.
GL
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5 Posts
I think that your fiancee's feelings are hurt. She has to realize that although it is not right she is caught in the middle of her mother and your fiancee. Maybe they can spend more time together. She should get past it though. Unless she is mean to them work on the relationship. Figure out a way to have a well blended family..
 
1 - 19 of 19 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top