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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I am a 37 year old divorced man with 4 children, of whom I have 50% custody (alternating every 4 days) I have a professional nanny (a 48 year old woman with grown children of her own) who lives with me during the time I have the kids I've been seeing her for 5 months and we got engaged 2 weeks ago. I love her very much. She is 37 years old and has never been married and has no children. She works night shifts a few nights a week as a nurse at a nearby hospital. She owns her own 1 bedroom condo about 10 minutes away

The problem is with my children. They are very well behaved and aged 14, 7, 4, 3. My fiance' had misgivings dating me at first because of them but got comfortable with it. Now that we are engaged and thinking of having her move in she is getting cold feet with respect to my kids. (I only recently had her start spending more time with them)

So last night she suggests that when we are married in a few months that I keep my 4 bedroom house and she keeps her 1 bedroom condo. When I am not with my kids, I will stay with her in her condo and when I have my kids I will stay here in the house with them, WHILE SHE STAYS IN THE CONDO!

I find this to be completely unrealistic. I asked her if she is getting cold feet about marrying me and she said "no". She keeps focusing on needing her privacy. I don't know what to do. I realy do like her a lot but cannot do to my children what she is suggesting. I was thinking about not pressuring her on this issue over the next few months, continuing to include her on events with the children and then seeing where she is in a few months prior to getting married.

I could really use some advice here. What to do?
 

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Do not marry this woman who does not like your kids.

She is not ready or willing to join a family. A woman who will not live with you and embrace who you are and your children is not good for you or your children.

If I were you I'd call off the wedding and reconsider this relationship.

Your children need people around them that pick them first. The impact of this woman who doesn't even want to be in the same house where they live is not a good choice.

Who wants a part time wife? I wouldn't, do you?
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
I know you are right, but I am being blinded by love at the moment. It's almost as if I know how this movie ends, but I can't stop watching it.
 

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Whatever you do, THINK first of your children and do not even consider abandoning them so you can be with this woman who wants nothing to do with your children.

At least she is being up front about it before you marry her.

Be honest with her. Don't you see it as a deal killer? Your kids are young, they will be without your full time support and attention if you do this.

You have responsibilities that are not going away just because a woman comes in your life.

Not only that, do you want a woman in your life that doesn't like your kids, to the point of wanting to be a part time wife?
 

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Of course she knew what she is getting into. The actual daily commitment of raising children is time consuming and all encompassing. She's old enough to know this and is having reservations. She probably does like your kids but living day to day is much more than seeing them for little while.

Now the dilemna is she's attached to you. She wants her space and her relationship with you.

Deejo may have your solution if you want the relationship at all.
 

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I am just a little confused, so help me out here. Is she still expected to do all of her "nanny" duties once you are married?? Maybe she is having a hard time finding out what she will actually be responsible for with the children. Does she think that she will still be treated as their nanny after you are married? Maybe that is why she doesn't want to move in together??
 

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I am a stepmom and I married my husband not having any children myself. It was hard at first trying to figure out what my role was in his child's life. My husband didn't help matters much because he didn't know either what he expected from me when it came to his son.

I suggest figuring out what you want from her with regards to being a stepmom to your kids and letting her know now. It would have helped me a lot instead of just feeling my way. She probably feels like she doesn't fit in with your family when you are with your kdis.
 

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OK, I missed that key snippet, that your fiancee is the kids nanny.

That changes the dynamic a lot.

Is she expecting her wages to continue? If not, why not?

Do the kids even know she is your romantic interest?

Will she be perceived as a home wrecker? How did the relationship start? Before or after the divorce?
 

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I think it's just confusing wording but sounds like nanny is 48 grown kids....fiance is 37 no kids...but the nanny sounds like a better choice for a new wife :)

I can't imagine agreeing to marry under these circumstances...it will be endless problems down the road and one or both of you will start to resent being married part-time...I'm sure life would be much easier for my h without 3 step-kids, but I also see the positive impact he has on them...he adds another layer of parenting and my kids know their parents, step-parents really do care for them and their future. Somehow, I have to think your kids will feel some sense of 'not good enough' if they are not accepted by the woman you marry.
 

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Op,

I agree with you, could never assume raising another's child in a relationship.

Sorry for me, looking at the child is the equal to having another there,
 

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Cato1788, I would definately drop the wedding plans. As a step-mother of three and mother of two, if I had it to do all over again, I would run like hell. Of course, my situation was different than most step-mothers' are. I raised all five children, by myself, as my husband worked away from home at least ninety percent of the time during all but one year of our marriage. I was responsible for virtually every aspect of our lives. In a nutshell, I worked up to ten hours a day, took responsibility for all the bill payments, shopped for groceries, cooked, cleaned up after the kids, did their laundry, took them to extra-curricular activities, attended teacher's meetings, doctors, probation and psychological appointments, usually alone.

To top that, I was cheated on by him last year and that has been, by far, the worst time in our twenty plus year marriage.
 

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This is not the girl for you. I think it is strange though, that you only just started having her spend more time with the kids if you planned on marrying her. I would think you'd want to see how she is with the kids a LOT to see if SHE is a good fit for the family.

Well, regardless, she's not a good fit. And if you had kids with her, imagine how your other kids would be treated -- second class citizens.
 

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if u ask me i would never marry again a guy with kids!never ever!!!!4 kids god shake worse than my husband!i did involve with him in a way cause he had low contact with them in general,and low money support,think of the prespective of a single woman why would ruin her life have less money a burden for kids from another marrige who the parents werent risposnible???? she deserve have her own kids and a normal family ,a guy with kids is really a burden!!so complicated!and as the lady above the husband cheated!gods shake!!!so is a no go its not her responsibility ur kids u cant force her have them or interact against her will,i dunno i read about the lady being cheated i really freak out...so no way the more i ralise thats a burden men have to carry themselfs unfortunately...
 

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I have 2 sons, and a boyfriend who is not their dad. My rule has always been that if a man cannot and will not fully accept my children, and accept that we are a package deal and they are with me always, then I wouldn't date him. My kids need me, and they deserve better than to be treated poorly by someone who doesn't like them.

With that said, my boyfriend is big on peace and quiet and privacy. But...he gets that the kids are kids and they are going to be loud and obnoxious sometimes, and they're going to occasionally forget to knock or read a paper left on the counter, even if it's none of their business. He doesn't expect me to send my children elsewhere, or to try to change my children's personalities to suit him. He loves me, and he loves my children, enough to be willing to give up some privacy and some peace and quiet to be with us. If that ever changes, then we would have to re-evaluate our relationship at that time, but it's likely, unless my kids were grown and on their own, that our relationship would end.

If she wants a marriage that will fit in a one bedroom apartment with lots of privacy, then she needs to marry a man who doesn't have any kids. And if you want to continue to be a good father who is there for and spends time with his kids, then you would need to find a woman who is willing to be a part of that. It doesn't sound like she is.

If you really don't want to end the relationship, then your only other option is to keep the two parts of your life separate. You see her when your kids are with their mother, you're there for your kids when they're with you. You can mingle the two intermittently, but to marry her at this point and try to mesh both parts of your life...I just don't see it working.
 
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