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Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
My ex-fiance and I had been together for 5 years, engaged for 2. There are no words to describe the kind of person that he is and the way that he loved me. He has proven his love and loyalty to me with actions. I know that noone else will ever love me the way he did ever again. I know this for a fact!

Despite all this, I was not completely happy in the relationship. We had little to no common interests nor friends. We didn't do a lot of things for fun together. We would go shopping and then have a dinner, that was all we did. He is a very hard worker and a great performer at work, but not aggressive enough to stand up on his own. In my opinion, he is often taken advantage of at work. He hates his job but wouldn't look for something else, also has a crappy schedule that involves late nights and weekend shifts. But wouldn't do anything to change it.

Needless to say I started getting bored. I was alone a lot, started going out with friends without him. He was Ok with it. Sex was a disaster. We would not have sex for months! I just didn't want it. Period. I was making all of the decisions around the house and he would just agree to anything. It was almost like he had no back-bone. I began questionning if he was the right person for me. I avoided any wedding talk, never even thought about planning a wedding, didn't feel excited about the thought of it one tiny bit!

I had a couple of crushes here and there while being engaged to him. With the last one turning into an obssession. To the point where the thought about the other man had monopolized my life. I knew that a relationship with someone else while being engaged would be impossible. I knew that no respectful man would approach me knowing that I was in a committed relationship. I started questionning whether if I break up with the fiance, I would have a chance to be with the other guy.

After a year of agonizing fears, doubts and what-ifs, I decided that it's best to part our ways. I was living a lie and couldn't take it anymore. I knew that some time apart would do us well. At least give me an indication of whether I truly want to be with him.

He is incredibly heartbroken at the moment, going through a lot of pain. And I feel terribly guilty for knowing that I am the reason for his pain. I still love him and he means a lot to me, but I am not sure if he is the right marriage-material for me. Knowing myself I want a more dependant man, a leader. Someone to make decisions, stand up to his own and protect me. Whereas I wasn't getting all that from my fiance.

Now I am trying to reflect on my decision. Did I make a mistake for letting the fiance go? Could I have done anything else to prevent a break up? Is it possible that subconsciously I broke up with him to only "free up my plate" for the other guy? Was a being a self-centered, unappreciative ***** for not appreciating the fiance's kindness? Even if we end up getting back together, can it ever be the same? I feel like his parents are pretty upset with me right now for causing their son all this pain. Any advice, please!
 

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You made the right choice. Don't doubt yourself. Better to break it off NOW than after a marriage begins.

I did the same once. It was rough, but it had to be done. You'll be ok. He'll be ok. You'll both find someone better suited for you. I did...so did my exfiance.

Marry someone who rocks your socks. This guy didn't. He will rock someone else's socks. If you are engaged, you should be all excited and in the bliss of it all--- you are crushing on other people. That's a sign. You made the right choice.
 

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Knowing myself I want a more dependant man, a leader. Someone to make decisions, stand up to his own and protect me. Whereas I wasn't getting all that from my fiance.
Yeah most women want Alpha type guys, strong, independent, decisive. Weak just doesn't cut it, women aren't instinctively wired to go for that sort of guy, for reasons that should be fairly obvious. Survival of the fittest type of thing.

Even if we end up getting back together, can it ever be the same?
Sure you could get back together, and maybe he'll figure it out and man up. Why would you want things to be the same? It wasn't working the first time, if nothing changes, well nothing will change.

I feel like his parents are pretty upset with me right now for causing their son all this pain. Any advice, please!
Who gives a rat's ass about what his family thinks about your decision. What are you supposed to do, make lifelong decisions to make some other person's family happy because you sacrifice your own needs so as not to hurt someone else?

If you don't get back together you'll probably never speak to them again anyway. Sounds to me like that's a good thing.
 

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Sounds like you made the right decision. You were on the cusp of cheating on him.

Do not ever marry a man who you have those kinds of negative feelings for.

You did what you needed to do.

It will be hard for him for a while. But he'll get over it. It would be worse for you to have married him and then the marriage go down hill.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Thank you both for the fast responses. Do I sound like I was unreasonably unhappy? Do I sound like I have unreasonably high expectations? Or even look down on him for not being "better"? A lot of women would be happy to be in charge of things and just have their partner agree to everything they say or do. He has a good heart and is overall a great person, but does that make him good for me personally? Do I need to lower my expectations and give the him a break? Or is it a bad sign to tailor my needs before getting married so that they suit someone with a good hard? Thanks, you have been great!
 

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He just wasn't the one. It happens. Promise.

Someday, you'll find "the one" and you won't have to wonder and ask all these questions.
 

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And when it comes to this life long/life changing decision, it's GOOD to be selfish. don't get married just because you don't want to hurt his feelings. No no.
 

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I think it sounds like you did what you had to do. And bless your heart for being strong enough to do it. You may have hurt him but that's nothing compared to the hurt you would have down the road for both of you. I am trying like heck to hang on to my marriage right but the truth is we should have firgured out our crap before we tied the know. Lord know we knew it was there we just kept stuffing it wherever it would fit and not getting in the way of our wedding day. Guess what? It's still there. God bless and positive hopes heading toward you and your ex.
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I wish I had your guts. Before I married, There were many ups and downs, our life is currently boring, lame, he does what he wants and we have many issues. Mainly with him, he's sort of an alcoholic, lies a lot and tends to seek out other women. The funny thing is, my best friend who is a male and I, discussed this before we got married and how I felt and stuff, and he told me not to do it, and it would just be harder to get divorced, and that's where Im at. I shouldve listened to my gut. I am proud that you did what you did, and followed your obsessive heart, at least you'll be happy!
 
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