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Re: Fiancées tattoo.

We talk all the time now.I have my business running on autopilot and we go out walking and to lunch every day.There was really only two topics that I refused to discuss with J(or anyone except Ally).
One was what happened with my family and we had that discussion at the weekend.
The other topic is the amount of previous sexual partners.We will never have that discussion.
Potential problem to head off. If you two get married, she may resent you later down the road and feel like she has missed out on dating other people. LucasJackson's wife comes to mind. She resented him and during her mid-life crisis, she had one long term affair and two one night stands.
 

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Discussion Starter #802
Re: Fiancées tattoo.

Potential problem to head off. If you two get married, she may resent you later down the road and feel like she has missed out on dating other people. LucasJackson's wife comes to mind. She resented him and during her mid-life crisis, she had one long term affair and two one night stands.
J has had a few previous partners,she admits to three so make of that what you will.If I posted here on tam about the amount of previous partners I have had nobody would believe me.I played hard and fast for years,I had my own apartment when I was sixteen and I made full use of it.
This is an example of the siht me and Ally used to get up to_One evening we were getting ready to go out and it was the first of march.She betted me that I couldn't bring home a different girl every night for the month.March madness she called it.The bet was she would do all the housework up until I failed then I would have to do it for thirty one days.
I did it.And the next year.And the year after that.
 

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Re: Fiancées tattoo.

So we agree, she is a keeper.

If you want to keep her then you need to attract her, NOT buy her. My guess is the key to attracting her is talking and listening.

If you try to buy J you may push her to value you for your money, and she ends up like her mother. So your money can be a problem here.

For me, perversely, her mother is part of the reason J is a keeper. J was raised by a money hungry mother, but J does not seem to be after your money. My reading of this thread is she is not driven by money like her mother. She built a business and overpaid family, my guess is her mother would have underpaid family and overpaid herself. J returned money to you even knowing her mother's reaction. She was pleased you put money for the kids education, but I think that is her thinking for her children and her being happy you are providing for both kids, no problem with that. Her mother in the same position would be trying to get at the money. So J is not her mother. And it is difficult to not become our parents. The fact that she is not her mother is a big plus for her.

The other sisters however I worry about. They seem beaten down by their mother. Sad as that is, they are not your problem, you think about J and the kids.

The second way to attract J is be close to the kids. Her (one) deal breaker was about how you treat her son, not directly about herself. Again it speaks well of her. She cannot avoid doing whatever is best for her kids.

The TV for the son might score a point or two with J, but it seems like trying to buy him, so may loose more points. And it is given now and taking it back would be bad. In future ask J about any gift for her son. Your time and relationship with him will score far more points with J. Take him on your walks with Hooch.

And with your daughter, ... you have free time in the day, pregnant mums need lots of checkups, you are worried about J driving an unsafe car (I think you over-react, but that is beside the point). So you happily drive her to all appointments and never grumble about the traffic or how boring the waiting room is. This is your daughter, so you should be helping anyway, but you do it happily.
Thank you for taking the time to read my thread and for your comments.It took me a long time before I realised that I was being played by Js mother and not by J.It was when she returned the four hundred grand that I realised she was not just after my money.
I agree with you about her sisters,I actually like her youngest sister and wish I could get her out of that environment.
I bought the tv for the boy because his grandmother had returned his games but not his system or his tv so he couldn't play them.
I bring J everywhere,prenatal classes,doctors appointments,I even brought her shopping.(once)
 

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Re: Fiancées tattoo.

Thank you for taking the time to read my thread and for your comments.It took me a long time before I realised that I was being played by Js mother and not by J.It was when she returned the four hundred grand that I realised she was not just after my money.
How people handle money shows their personality and their heart. These are vital things to know before a possible marriage.
How much money people have only shows you how rich they are.

I agree with you about her sisters,I actually like her youngest sister and wish I could get her out of that environment.
You still have some ability to influence and help her sisters, through work, through J and through Ally. All these will have to wait a little and will have to be slow and gentle. Any drama from you will probably send them running straight back to mum.

I bought the tv for the boy because his grandmother had returned his games but not his system or his tv so he couldn't play them.
Yes, and that is all good. My worry is how did J see it. She might have felt obligated to you about the TV. She returned the money rather than feel obligated to you. The answer is to talk to her about why you are doing it, that it is for her son, to help him settle, there is no obligation. Maybe you did have this conversation, but often you seem to act rashly.

I bring J everywhere,prenatal classes,doctors appointments,I even brought her shopping.(once)
Good, keep it up. And further to this, the baby room probably needs furniture, so more shopping and setting up for you.

You have (helped) put a roof over her head for now, you will put a new house over her head soon, she is having your child, she is estranged from her family, she sleeps in your bed sometimes, you talk and have lunch daily, you love her, she loves you, ... a marriage seems assured to me. What you should be working on is a successful marriage. That still needs more talking and listening.
 

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Re: Fiancées tattoo.

I seen something very sad today,it really affected me and I don't know why.I called over to see Sam and to thank her friend who had given me the advice about DNA testing etc.She was working on the maternity ward at the hospital and Sam brought me up to say hello.I had bought her a little gift as a thank you.There was a few new born babies and there were husbands and boyfriends both visiting and collecting their partners and babies to bring them home.One girl was leaving just at the same time I was,she was carrying her baby in a sort of baby chair..Im not sure what it is called.The thing is she was leaving on her own,there was no husband or boyfriend or even grandparents to collect her.I felt so sad watching her walk out of the hospital on her own.
 

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Re: Fiancées tattoo.

And the wedding date gets closer again.

I am trying not to recommend you just marry J straight away. There were major red flags at the start of the thread. I don't know if they are all addressed yet. Far better to handle them before a marriage and before a baby is added to the mix. But it sounds like you are getting clucky.

Perhaps I should define "clucky". The dictionary says it is Australian slang, applying it only to females, such as a hen sitting on her eggs, or a woman fussing over a baby. In the countryside were I grew up we also used it of the rooster protecting and fussing over the hens, or say someone worrying about J's car and if it is safe enough.
 

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Discussion Starter #808
Re: Fiancées tattoo.

And the wedding date gets closer again.

I am trying not to recommend you just marry J straight away. There were major red flags at the start of the thread. I don't know if they are all addressed yet. Far better to handle them before a marriage and before a baby is added to the mix. But it sounds like you are getting clucky.

Perhaps I should define "clucky". The dictionary says it is Australian slang, applying it only to females, such as a hen sitting on her eggs, or a woman fussing over a baby. In the countryside were I grew up we also used it of the rooster protecting and fussing over the hens, or say someone worrying about J's car and if it is safe enough.
I would have liked to have talked to her,maybe help her with a few bucks if needed.It would have looked really creepy though.
 

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Re: Fiancées tattoo.

I would have liked to have talked to her,maybe help her with a few bucks if needed.It would have looked really creepy though.


Go through the hospital's patient relations dept. Tell them the date and time and circumstances. Ask if you can make an anonymous donation to the hospital for them to provide it to her. Move fast.

Depending on your generosity you might consider at same time making a small donation to the hospital itself or their charity, to thank them for doing this for you. I might motivate them the assist you if they resist.

Help can be in form of supplies, not necessarily cash. Better that way. See what the hospital says.

Move fast if you do this. Time makes it harder to find her.
 

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Re: Fiancées tattoo.

I seen something very sad today,it really affected me and I don't know why.I called over to see Sam and to thank her friend who had given me the advice about DNA testing etc.She was working on the maternity ward at the hospital and Sam brought me up to say hello.I had bought her a little gift as a thank you.There was a few new born babies and there were husbands and boyfriends both visiting and collecting their partners and babies to bring them home.One girl was leaving just at the same time I was,she was carrying her baby in a sort of baby chair..Im not sure what it is called.The thing is she was leaving on her own,there was no husband or boyfriend or even grandparents to collect her.I felt so sad watching her walk out of the hospital on her own.
The fact that you're attuned enough to notice speaks volumes about you, my friend.

~MS
 

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Re: Fiancées tattoo.

Go through the hospital's patient relations dept. Tell them the date and time and circumstances. Ask if you can make an anonymous donation to the hospital for them to provide it to her. Move fast.

Depending on your generosity you might consider at same time making a small donation to the hospital itself or their charity, to thank them for doing this for you. I might motivate them the assist you if they resist.

Help can be in form of supplies, not necessarily cash. Better that way. See what the hospital says.

Move fast if you do this. Time makes it harder to find her.
I did exactly what you suggested.There is a patient comfort fund which seeks donations so I made a contribution to that and the administrator I was dealing with said they would get in contact with the girl who had the baby and give her my gift.Completely anonymously of course.
 

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Re: Fiancées tattoo.

I would have liked to have talked to her,maybe help her with a few bucks if needed.It would have looked really creepy though.
especially if her partner was stuck in an important meeting somewhere.

also remember.... she was the one who chose her baby daddy, and had voluntary sexual encounter (or chose to keep baby), chose not to have a "morning after" pill.

congradulations on being a sucker. For falling into that stupid social role that you, as a male, are expected to surrender your resources, for no return, to a woman who has done nothing for you, and will do nothing for you, and feel no debt toward you or society for her receiving her entitlement.
Yes, some women DO refuse such giftee's - but more from no wanting their ego to suffer the idea of needing charity, or that it's likely that some debt will be expected from them for accepting the gift; than the inappropriateness of you perpetuating the victim male role. Would you have been so keen to give to an obviously needful male (eg husband or gay pair who adopted)
 

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Re: Fiancées tattoo.

especially if her partner was stuck in an important meeting somewhere.

also remember.... she was the one who chose her baby daddy, and had voluntary sexual encounter (or chose to keep baby), chose not to have a "morning after" pill.

congradulations on being a sucker. For falling into that stupid social role that you, as a male, are expected to surrender your resources, for no return, to a woman who has done nothing for you, and will do nothing for you, and feel no debt toward you or society for her receiving her entitlement.
Yes, some women DO refuse such giftee's - but more from no wanting their ego to suffer the idea of needing charity, or that it's likely that some debt will be expected from them for accepting the gift; than the inappropriateness of you perpetuating the victim male role. Would you have been so keen to give to an obviously needful male (eg husband or gay pair who adopted)
Yes, I would.My closest friend in the world is a gay woman who has just got out of a long term relationship with her lesbian partner.They tried to adopt on numerous occasions but were rejected and I think this is the reason they separated.I was asking for nothing from this girl I just felt sorry for her.
Your bitterness comes across very strongly in your post.
 

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Re: Fiancées tattoo.

especially if her partner was stuck in an important meeting somewhere.



also remember.... she was the one who chose her baby daddy, and had voluntary sexual encounter (or chose to keep baby), chose not to have a "morning after" pill.



congradulations on being a sucker. For falling into that stupid social role that you, as a male, are expected to surrender your resources, for no return, to a woman who has done nothing for you, and will do nothing for you, and feel no debt toward you or society for her receiving her entitlement.

Yes, some women DO refuse such giftee's - but more from no wanting their ego to suffer the idea of needing charity, or that it's likely that some debt will be expected from them for accepting the gift; than the inappropriateness of you perpetuating the victim male role. Would you have been so keen to give to an obviously needful male (eg husband or gay pair who adopted)


By your thinking any guy with a cheating wife CHOSE to marry her, and you'd be a sucker spending your time here trying to help him. Time is a expensive resource.
 

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Re: Fiancées tattoo.

By your thinking any guy with a cheating wife CHOSE to marry her, and you'd be a sucker spending your time here trying to help him. Time is a expensive resource.
The word cheating is redundant ( and the term wife is gender-biased). emend these and re-submit.
 

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Re: Fiancées tattoo.

Yes, I would.My closest friend in the world is a gay woman who has just got out of a long term relationship with her lesbian partner.They tried to adopt on numerous occasions but were rejected and I think this is the reason they separated.I was asking for nothing from this girl I just felt sorry for her.
Your bitterness comes across very strongly in your post.
you don't know the difference between gay women and gay men yet? Thank you for strengthening my argument about the gender bias problem in your victimisation.
Yes, I also understand (historically speaking) getting an abusive husband was considered a sign of moral strength too.
 

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Re: Fiancées tattoo.

you don't know the difference between gay women and gay men yet? Thank you for strengthening my argument about the gender bias problem in your victimisation.
Yes, I also understand (historically speaking) getting an abusive husband was considered a sign of moral strength too.
Man you are really angry about something and I don't think me giving a few dollars to someone is causing your anger.
 

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Re: Fiancées tattoo.

Because, y'know, medical people and suppliers are paid so terribly badly and can't afford to do such things themselves....


they are extremely overworked and if asking for an additional favor it cannot hurt.

The clerk in the admin office is not paid well. Yes.

I have dealt with these folks for four years in several hospitals.

I always bought food to the nursing station. It got my spouse better service.
 

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Re: Fiancées tattoo.

Man you are really angry about something and I don't think me giving a few dollars to someone is causing your anger.
You remember a chap recently posting how he had been with his wife for X years (large number) and she turns around and says "Not in love with you" and walks out taking pretty much most of the "communal" property - which he was the "resource provider" for most of it ?

Or how some women has posted how her male partner is a deadbeat and won't provide, or how she does her career but considers "what is he committing to the relationship, why do I keep dead wood around"?

The example of doing the male [resource] equivalent of dressing up in your shortest skirt and push up bra, putting on certain "attention seeking" makeup, and going to the local meat/gang/military bar, getting boozed senseless, and then wanting to have "your choices respected" with what follows.
True, yours is more the case of saying "sorry Mr Cosby, I have a headache but I will take your quaaludes thanks". In other words what gets me angry, is you're a victim, you're not even smart enough to realise it, and you continue to make the 'it's just a party' aspect (ie It's a nice thing to do to enable others) seem like a positive thing - leading to people like the above two paragraphs being caught in the perpetuation of that myth, and in their innocence of the darker underbelly being subjected to massive damage.

You do NOT owe that girl anything - she and others like her owe it to themselves to sort their c..p out - and with numbskulls like you enabling them they have no reason to not parasite/take-advantage of your willing stupidity.
 
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