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Re: Fiancées tattoo.

I've just got off the phone with the Scottish lawyer and I was slightly wrong in what I said in my last post.Its only if I am married to my child's mother that she has to be informed and it only applies in the UK anyway.The way that sterling has been falling I'm glad I kept the account in Dollars.
Well, someone here will have to know in case anything happens to you so that she can claim her trust when she's an adult. I'm pretty sure your law offices could set it up so that, in event of your death, the lawyers overseas are notified so they can swing into motion and contact your DD.
 

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Discussion Starter #682 (Edited)
Re: Fiancées tattoo.

Well, someone here will have to know in case anything happens to you so that she can claim her trust when she's an adult. I'm pretty sure your law offices could set it up so that, in event of your death, the lawyers overseas are notified so they can swing into motion and contact your DD.
All in hand,my US lawyers will contact the Scottish lawyer and get it sorted out.
It has been an interesting day,as I said earlier Js mother threw her out and I got her sister to go home and pack her stuff.She rang me and said her mother will not let her pack anything and said J could fcuk off.I got her to put her mother on the phone and I sweetly asked her how did she feel about having three unemployed daughters living at home.She started shouting down the phone and I hung up.I rang Js other two sisters and told them if their mother damaged any of Js or her sons things they would be looking for new jobs.I knew they would ring her straight away.
I didn't like doing this but all that woman understands is money and the thought of having no wages coming in would kill her.Js father arrived about an hour ago with a pile of black garbage bags with all their clothes and said he would bring the rest of their stuff tomorrow.Js sisters have been treating her like **** since she lost the business and it felt good to cut them down to size.J treated them well when they worked for her but eaten bread is easily forgotten.I am not a vindictive man but I hate bullies and that is all Js mother is and her sisters aren't much better.
Ally of all people has pleaded with me not to sleep with J tonight but I wasn't going to anyway.This arrangement is just until Saturday when J moves to her rental.She is asleep in one of the spare bedrooms right now and Ally has brought the boy into town to go to McDonalds.He is kind of confused but Ally will cheer him up.
I was really worried this morning about J but she seems to be fine.The doctor gave her a good checkup and her and the baby are ok.
 

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Re: Fiancées tattoo.

Drama indeed
I'm the end good that she is out of that toxic environment I think.

Re your money and your daughter. Make sure you have everything outlined and your lawyers lol know what is going on.
You have to protect you and your daughter.


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Re: Fiancées tattoo.

Make sure you put provisions in your will about who controls the trust for your daughter until she comes of age, just in case anything does happen early. My partner had a trust as a child, and was supposed to be for his adult life. But his mother had access as long as it was buying things for him. So she ended up buying brand new cars every couple of years so she could "drive her son around". And then sold them privately for cash, to buy another car from his trust. He was left with nothing when he reached adulthood.
 

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Discussion Starter #687 (Edited)
Re: Fiancées tattoo.

Or increase it. She wouldn't be the first woman to drop the kids off at Grandma's every day or two so she can go out and do some shopping or hang with friends.

@Andy1001, just make sure you are very clear with regards to what you find unacceptable. One of things I have learned over the years is that there is what Person A said and what Person B heard. They are not necessarily the same thing. Make sure you communicate simply and unambiguously. And watch for loopholes!

"You said you didn't want my mom watching the baby while I worked, but I was out having lunch with Connie, so I thought it was ok to leave her with my mother!"

"You said you were uncomfortable with my mother having too much time with the baby, but I didn't think 5 hours for the third time this week was "too much"."

I got a few years on you and have seen relationships similar to yours from beginning to end as friend to the female partner in some and as male partners friend in others. I know this might sound loopy at the moment and you'll want to consult a lawyer, but I think it is in your best interests to get the details of custody, support, and visitation negotiated and registered with the court as soon as you can once the baby arrives. If you and J continue as friendly co-parents, great! If you decide to give it another go as a romantic couple and live as LTP's or get married, great! If things go south and you cannot get along, there would be a legal agreement in place to protect your parental rights and your right to see your child.

No offense to J or any other woman, but it's not unheard of for women who are pissed off at their baby daddies to deny visitation and/or use the baby as a way to manipulate. You do NOT want to take even a 1% risk she would do that at some time in the future for unforeseen reasons. This is your daughter. She needs you. Be very sure you have legal access to her that does NOT depend on the good will of her mother.
I have been thinking about your suggestion about getting a legal agreement with J about my access to our baby in case we don't get back together.I was thinking about approaching it like this.I will tell her there is money set aside for my daughters education(which is true) but I will tell her I am happy to use the money pay for her sons education also.This will be right through until he finishes college.This would have happened if we hadn't broke up in the first place because I had intended to adopt him when we were married.He is still a half brother to my future daughter and there is plenty to go around.
This will all be dependent on us having equal custody of my daughter.I know this seems sneaky but while her mother is out of the picture she will be more amenable to deal with.
I do not want to tell her just how much money our daughter inherits in case it throws a spanner in the works.It is a lot of money by any standards.
I have a conference call with my Scottish lawyer and my US lawyers today and I will get the details sorted out of how my daughters money is to be released to her.I may let her have half when she is eighteen and the rest when she is twenty one,or I could use some of the money for to buy a house in my daughters name but let J and her son live there until my daughter decides what to do,this will only happen if me and J stay separated.If I was married to her mother at the moment then we would have to agree on this but as we are not married I can change the trust any way I want.
 

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Re: Fiancées tattoo.

Considering the human brain doesn't fully mature until age 25, I'd do 1/4 at 21 and the rest at 25.

Discuss getting a fair visitation and custody agreement separate from anything financial. When you talk to her, it's about being an equal parent to your shared child, as is right and fair for all of you. Period. Nothing more. Once that is all handled, mention that you also want to provide for your daughter's half-brother to be educated.

Once you tie money to custody and visitation, you are entering into semi-legal waters in some states. You're also giving her the idea that you are willing to pay for access to your child. Too much potential for trouble there, my friend.
 

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Re: Fiancées tattoo.

I agree with 25 for the majority age. I was pretty responsible at 21 (already a mother to my son) and man, I would have spent a lot of a lump sum of money quite quickly. Now (at 27) I would spend a windfall completely differently, and way less recklessly.
 

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Re: Fiancées tattoo.

I've set mine up in several increments. There's a sum after 22 if he has an undergraduate degree - more if he's in graduate school of some kind to cover tuition and living costs. Other payouts at 25, 30, 35, and all of the rest at 40.

All of which will need to be covered in a prenup, should he choose to get married, or it will then go through a hierarchy of other family.

I'm a jerk.
 

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Fiancées tattoo.

Jeez Andy, you are treating all this like a business deal.

You bought her business. Now you are buying her daughter. You solve all your problems with money, basically because you can.

I want the best for all of you. I wish you had better advisors than lawyers and accountants. Someone who can advise you on the heart. Ally maybe?

J already showed she is not after your money. I know you think providing for the kids is the right thing, and it is, but please go about it as a loving father, not a rich benefactor.
 

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Discussion Starter #692
Re: Fiancées tattoo.

Jeez Andy, you are treating all this like a business deal.

You bought her business. Now you are buying her daughter. You solve all your problems with money, basically because you can.

I want the best for all of you. I wish you had better advisors than lawyers and accountants. Someone who can advise you on the heart. Ally maybe?

J already showed she is not after your money. I know you think providing for the kids is the right thing, and it is, but please go about it as a loving father, not a rich benefactor.
Yeah reading back what I wrote I'd does seem like a business contract.I didn't intend it to sound like an ultimatum though.This is one of the things I need to work on,trying to buy everything.
J hasn't given me any signal that she would try and stop me seeing our baby if things don't work out.I will tell her about the education fund and even if we stay apart I will use it for both of our kids.Js son will still be our baby's brother and should share in the fund.
She is sleeping in one of the bedrooms with the boy,he is totally confused at what is happening and wondering where his grandmother is.To be fair to her it seems that he is very attached to her.During a conversation today J told me she was giving her mother five hundred a week housekeeping,that is what is upsetting her mother,losing the money.Her father brought more of her stuff to my house today,he looks like a beaten man,it can't be easy living with his wife.He admitted to me that it was my threat to fire his other daughters that convinced his wife to give in.He was kinda angry and told me if I had acted like this months ago none of this crap would be happening.
The lawyers are getting an agreement ready for my daughters money and I have to make a decision on when she gets the money.All I know is if I had this sort of money at eighteen I could have started my business earlier,but then I may have never met J or Ally so it's hard to know what to do.
Once again thank you for your advice,I appreciate it.
 

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Re: Fiancées tattoo.

He was kinda angry and told me if I had acted like this months ago none of this crap would be happening.

So, he blames you, not his daughter, or the toxic friend.
 

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Discussion Starter #694 (Edited)
Re: Fiancées tattoo.

He was kinda angry and told me if I had acted like this months ago none of this crap would be happening.

So, he blames you, not his daughter, or the toxic friend.
I think what he meant was if I had put J in her place like I did to her mother we would never have broken up.I think their plan was once we got married mommy dearest would be in charge and everyone else would toe the line.
The thing is I was foolish in my relationship and too passive but in business I take no **** whatsoever.I deal with sharks and the slightest sign of weakness is jumped on,so if mommy thought she would hold the purse strings she was very much mistaken.
 

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Re: Fiancées tattoo.

Jeez Andy, you are treating all this like a business deal.

You bought her business. Now you are buying her daughter. You solve all your problems with money, basically because you can.

I want the best for all of you. I wish you had better advisors than lawyers and accountants. Someone who can advise you on the heart. Ally maybe?

J already showed she is not after your money. I know you think providing for the kids is the right thing, and it is, but please go about it as a loving father, not a rich benefactor.


Well IMO when it comes to something like this you have to separate your feelings from the business.
Fact is he has a lot of money that his daughter will inheritance he has to make sure she is protected and the plans are in place. I think he's really smart to be considering all this now.

I don't think he's buying his daughter by making sure she is provided for.
He said from the get go he will be in this baby's life and J agreed. No buying is necessary.




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Re: Fiancées tattoo.

Yeah reading back what I wrote I'd does seem like a business contract.I didn't intend it to sound like an ultimatum though.This is one of the things I need to work on,trying to buy everything.
J hasn't given me any signal that she would try and stop me seeing our baby if things don't work out.I will tell her about the education fund and even if we stay apart I will use it for both of our kids.Js son will still be our baby's brother and should share in the fund.
She is sleeping in one of the bedrooms with the boy,he is totally confused at what is happening and wondering where his grandmother is.To be fair to her it seems that he is very attached to her.During a conversation today J told me she was giving her mother five hundred a week housekeeping,that is what is upsetting her mother,losing the money.Her father brought more of her stuff to my house today,he looks like a beaten man,it can't be easy living with his wife.He admitted to me that it was my threat to fire his other daughters that convinced his wife to give in.He was kinda angry and told me if I had acted like this months ago none of this crap would be happening.
The lawyers are getting an agreement ready for my daughters money and I have to make a decision on when she gets the money.All I know is if I had this sort of money at eighteen I could have started my business earlier,but then I may have never met J or Ally so it's hard to know what to do.
Once again thank you for your advice,I appreciate it.
Of course the boy is confused! Of course he misses his grandmother and wonders where she is, she raised him! He has been removed from the only home he has known and has been taken away from his primary caretaker. Any kid would be woogy about now. J needs to explain to him, in terms he can understand at his age, what is happening and what will be happening shortly. Try making it a big adventure. Some kids are also very helpful and feel secure and in control when assigned simple tasks like helping mommy organize or even helping wipe tables and make a meal.

You said again that you don't think J would impede access to your shared child. That's great, but you cannot take that kind of gamble. Unless you know, for absolute certainty, then get it in writing through the courts.

Let me bore you with a story.

My exH and I may have not gotten along, but I never thought he would ever try to take the kids from me. Until he did. We were living about 10 miles apart, he or his mother came to pick up the girls every Friday afternoon around 3-5 and brought them back every Sunday around 6-8. About 6 months is, he decided he wasn't bringing them back.

In my state, parents who are married share absolutely equal custody unless there are court orders stating otherwise. We did not have those orders. According to the police, he was perfectly within his rights to keep the children with him and to even take them across state lines. I, of course, had the same rights. Unless he was willing to give the girls, then 6 and 1 years old, back to me there was nothing anyone could do unless/until I got a court order. I called attorneys and was told the process would take 3-6 months for a first hearing. I was also told that the longer the girls lived with him, the weaker my case became.

Thankfully, exH couldn't hack it and brought them back after 4 days.

As a man unmarried to your child's mother, depending on state law, you may have no rights at all outside of court orders. I know in my state, when a child is born out of wedlock, the mother has automatic full custody and the father has to go through the courts to have his rights recognized and enforced.

You may not understand yet, but the love you will feel for your daughter will be well beyond what you have ever imagined feeling for any human being. Whoever controls her, controls you and your assets through her. You NEED a custody and visitation agreement as soon as possible. Don't get soft on this because you "think"...


He was kinda angry and told me if I had acted like this months ago none of this crap would be happening.

So, he blames you, not his daughter, or the toxic friend.
Maybe he should be blaming himself for marrying that harpy.

Also, regarding the inheritance, your daughter is not you. She will be an entirely different person with her own strengths and weaknesses. YOU at 18 may have started a business earlier. SHE at 18 may decide to donate it all to charity and go live in a commune somewhere in Africa and then heavily regret it years later. SHE at 18 may decide to invest it all in a handsome con man's legit sounding scheme and end up broke with a broken heart. SHE at 18 might decide to blow it all on party trips around the world with her "friends".

Your job is to protect her from EVERYONE, including herself.
 

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Re: Fiancées tattoo.

I am engaged to be married next October,my fiancée is 32 and has a seven year old son from a previous relationship.When we started being exclusive I made a point of saying tattoos were a deal breaker and she laughed and said her fear of needles would rule them out anyway.
So of course you know what's coming.She informed in front of a lot of her friends on Sunday that she is getting a tattoo on her side to support one of her friends who has had a bereavement.I told her we needed to discuss this alone but her friends all butted in and said it's her body and she can do what she wants.I ended up going home on my own(she lives with her parents but stays in my house overnight when we go out).I met her on Monday and she was furious because I showed her up in front of her friends.
I asked her what about our agreement and she said she was supporting her friend.I got really angry and told her if her friends meant more to her than me then there was no point going on.I swear this is the first time I ever lost my temper with her but she is adamant this tattoo is happening,and for me not to be so stupid.I really hate tattoos and there is no way we are getting married if she goes through with it.Am I being unreasonable about this.
There are other fish in the sea my friend. Cut this one off your line and throw your hook back in the water.
 

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Re: Fiancées tattoo.

See, as a father myself, I read this as "I like new Andy. This guy would have made sure this was never a problem."
I see that now.

I lack that insight.
 
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