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Re: Fiancées tattoo.

Andy,

You, your daughter, your EX and her son are going to be one big happy family. Free of the business and the toxic people, and with your help, EX will become a stable supportive mother to her son and your daughter. You might not be married before the birth of your daughter but I predict you will be (to EX) before your daughter's first birthday.

EX is not out for your money. Never was.

This was the miracle you both needed to get back together into a real and stable relationship.

Let's just hope EX does not insist on getting a tattoo of your daughter's name on her arm. :wink2:

ETA: Don't name your daughter "Ally" or "Samantha"
 

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Re: Fiancées tattoo.

Congrats

Children are a gift
 

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Discussion Starter #667 (Edited)
Re: Fiancées tattoo.

Andy,

You, your daughter, your EX and her son are going to be one big happy family. Free of the business and the toxic people, and with your help, EX will become a stable supportive mother to her son and your daughter. You might not be married before the birth of your daughter but I predict you will be (to EX) before your daughter's first birthday.

EX is not out for your money. Never was.

This was the miracle you both needed to get back together into a real and stable relationship.

Let's just hope EX does not insist on getting a tattoo of your daughter's name on her arm. :wink2:

ETA: Don't name your daughter "Ally" or "Samantha"
I really appreciate your kind words and advice.
We had a long talk yesterday an I think we have a real chance of moving forward with our relationship.The big thing for me is if she moves out on Saturday as planned.She has paid the first months rent and a month deposit and is adamant she is moving.Her mother has calmed down though and has said she didn't mean it about the abortion.All that bothers me is my ex changing her mind like she did before.
If she moves I am going to suggest couple counselling and maybe dating again.I don't want to rush into this and in a few months time be at each other's throats again.As for her friends,once her money problems became known a lot of them disappeared and even her sisters treat her differently.If we get back together they will soon change their tune(her sisters) because they all work for me now.
My own individual therapy is going ok,my therapist has pointed out some things that should have blindingly obvious to me but I never noticed.The main thing is I have to learn to accept people's faults and not take them as a personal insult.Also compromise is another thing I need to learn.I never thought I had a big ego,in fact I thought the complete opposite but according to him I am as egotistical as anyone he has ever met.He says this is the reason I lost so many friends over the years.He also thinks I have abandonment issues.
Other than that I'm fine.lol.
I have a short trip planned to Ireland with Ally at the end of the month for a small music festival but Ally has suggested bringing my ex instead.It is too soon though and I don't want the boy to be going back to her parents house so soon after moving out.And that is providing his Grandmother would look after him anyway.

By the way I think Alison Samantha would be a great name for my daughter.
I'm joking.Im joking.Im brave but I'm not that fcukin brave.
Once again thank you for your comments.
 

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Re: Fiancées tattoo.

No I was raised in a barn.

Congratulations on your daughter. Kids are always a positive.
Until they become teenagers, anyways.

@Andy1001, I know @blueinbr means well, but I think marrying during the pregnancy or within the first year after birth is a bad idea. I'd like to tell you why, but I have to admit to hypocrisy first!

Ok, here's where I admit to being a hypocrite.

I married my first H because I got pregnant and felt I owed it to the kid. We weren't compatible and it was a huge mistake I don't think I will ever fully recover from. That whole mess left some mental scars. I left exH for an AP. I then became pregnant with my AP and I agreed to marry him while our son was an infant. That has worked out wonderfully.

Now, here's where I tell you why it's not a good idea to marry during the pregnancy and shortly after the birth. Hormones. Emotionally clouded thinking. These are actual things and they can cause people to make bad decisions. While she is carrying the baby she is going to be on a hormone roller coaster. After the birth, she is going to be on a sleep deprived hormone roller coaster. These months are NOT a good time for her to be making life changing decisions. You are also going to be going through a lot of emotion and a lot of changes. This is NOT a good time for you to make life changing decisions, either.

If you were already planning to marry and decided to hurry the ceremony because of the baby, that would be one thing. But you were broken up for REASONS and wouldn't be in each others lives if it weren't for the baby. So, give it some time AFTER the baby is about a year old for the two of you to be thinking entirely clearly and know what you're getting into before you even think about marriage.
 

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Re: Fiancées tattoo.

@MJJEAN Wow MJ.

I did not say what he should do. I said what I thought he WILL do. I might be the same, might not.

The difference here is that he actually loves EX (we need a better name for her - not EX and not tattoo-girl). Plus much of the trouble causing issues have been removed. I do think they would have conceived a child after the originally planned wedding.

My thoughts are that this puts them back on course.

But I cannot argue with a pregnant hormone charged woman. :)

Nothing wrong with setting a date two years out.
 

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Re: Fiancées tattoo.

@MJJEAN Wow MJ.

I did not say what I should do. I said what I thought he WILL do. I might be the same, might not.

The difference here is that he actually loves EX (we need a better name for her - not EX and not tattoo-girl). Plus much of the trouble causing issues have been removed. I do think they would have conceived a child after the originally planned wedding.

My thoughts are that this puts them back on course.

But I cannot argue with a pregnant hormone charged woman. :)

Nothing wrong with setting a date two years out.
Your post seemed like very good wishes for Andy. It's sweet. I just thought he should be cautioned that pregnant women and new mothers are under the influence of some pretty serious hormones and emotions. Expectant and new fathers aren't much better. They may see each other through rose colored glasses as new parents for a time. They may see each other through a far more negative lens for a time, too, depending on how rough having the baby is on them. I just think, considering what went before, they should let things settle down before getting romantically involved and thinking about marriage.

The issues don't seem to really have resolved so much as they may resolve IF she continues as she says she will.
 

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Discussion Starter #671 (Edited)
Re: Fiancées tattoo.

Until they become teenagers, anyways.

@Andy1001, I know @blueinbr means well, but I think marrying during the pregnancy or within the first year after birth is a bad idea. I'd like to tell you why, but I have to admit to hypocrisy first!

Ok, here's where I admit to being a hypocrite.

I married my first H because I got pregnant and felt I owed it to the kid. We weren't compatible and it was a huge mistake I don't think I will ever fully recover from. That whole mess left some mental scars. I left exH for an AP. I then became pregnant with my AP and I agreed to marry him while our son was an infant. That has worked out wonderfully.

Now, here's where I tell you why it's not a good idea to marry during the pregnancy and shortly after the birth. Hormones. Emotionally clouded thinking. These are actual things and they can cause people to make bad decisions. While she is carrying the baby she is going to be on a hormone roller coaster. After the birth, she is going to be on a sleep deprived hormone roller coaster. These months are NOT a good time for her to be making life changing decisions. You are also going to be going through a lot of emotion and a lot of changes. This is NOT a good time for you to make life changing decisions, either.

If you were already planning to marry and decided to hurry the ceremony because of the baby, that would be one thing. But you were broken up for REASONS and wouldn't be in each others lives if it weren't for the baby. So, give it some time AFTER the baby is about a year old for the two of you to be thinking entirely clearly and know what you're getting into before you even think about marriage.
Thank you for your advice.
At this stage we are not even dating and if my ex does not move out at the weekend then I will have to accept that she can't be a full time mom.
The biggest problem I had with my ex was her friends.Since she lost her business most of them disappeared.She accepts now they were only hanging around because she spent plenty of money on them and they also got free sessions in her gym.I own the gym now and I have banned most of them and sacked three of the biggest s*** stirrers.At the start of our problems my ex was getting anonymous texts telling her I was out with other women,she actually got some while I was in the same room as her.I found out who was sending them(Her tattooed friend)and all it took was one letter from my lawyers and she moved away.So that problem is out of the way.
Her mom is another problem, all she thinks about is money.She would love for us to get back together as long as she is paid to look after my exs son and she probably thinks she will be looking after our baby as well.That is not going to happen.She tries to bully everyone into doing what she wants and I think my ex is a bit afraid of her.

I accept a lot of the things that happened were my fault.I genuinely have a phobia about tattoos but I know now that my ex really was joking about getting one but I went nuclear over it.This should not have escalated like it did.I have a habit of breaking off all contact with people if we fall out,even over something minor and I need to work on that.
As for marriage,not in the foreseeable future anyway.
 

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Re: Fiancées tattoo.

Thank you for your advice.
At this stage we are not even dating and if my ex does not move out at the weekend then I will have to accept that she can't be a full time mom.
The biggest problem I had with my ex was her friends.Since she lost her business most of them disappeared.She accepts now they were only hanging around because she spent plenty of money on them and they also got free sessions in her gym.I own the gym now and I have banned most of them and sacked three of the biggest s*** stirrers.At the start of our problems my ex was getting anonymous texts telling her I was out with other women,she actually got some while I was in the same room as her.I found out who was sending them(Her tattooed friend)and all it took was one letter from my lawyers and she moved away.So that problem is out of the way.
Her mom is another problem, all she thinks about is money.She would love for us to get back together as long as she is paid to look after my exs son and she probably thinks she will be looking after our baby as well.That is not going to happen.She tries to bully everyone into doing what she wants and I think my ex is a bit afraid of her.

I accept a lot of the things that happened were my fault.I genuinely have a phobia about tattoos but I know now that my ex really was joking about getting one but I went nuclear over it.This should not have escalated like it did.I have a habit of breaking off all contact with people if we fall out,even over something minor and I need to work on that.
As for marriage,not in the foreseeable future anyway.
Who else votes Andy gets a tattoo of his daughter's name and date of birth to celebrate? Just kidding, Andy. Congratulations.
 

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Re: Fiancées tattoo.

Thank you for your advice.
At this stage we are not even dating and if my ex does not move out at the weekend then I will have to accept that she can't be a full time mom.
The biggest problem I had with my ex was her friends.Since she lost her business most of them disappeared.She accepts now they were only hanging around because she spent plenty of money on them and they also got free sessions in her gym.I own the gym now and I have banned most of them and sacked three of the biggest s*** stirrers.At the start of our problems my ex was getting anonymous texts telling her I was out with other women,she actually got some while I was in the same room as her.I found out who was sending them(Her tattooed friend)and all it took was one letter from my lawyers and she moved away.So that problem is out of the way.
Her mom is another problem, all she thinks about is money.She would love for us to get back together as long as she is paid to look after my exs son and she probably thinks she will be looking after our baby as well.That is not going to happen.She tries to bully everyone into doing what she wants and I think my ex is a bit afraid of her.

I accept a lot of the things that happened were my fault.I genuinely have a phobia about tattoos but I know now that my ex really was joking about getting one but I went nuclear over it.This should not have escalated like it did.I have a habit of breaking off all contact with people if we fall out,even over something minor and I need to work on that.
As for marriage,not in the foreseeable future anyway.
Her rather toxic "friends" were hanging out with her because she spent money on them. Yeah. But that doesn't explain why SHE would want to hang out with people like THEM. If she hasn't changed in fundamental ways, she will eventually make new toxic friends.

If she lets her mother "bully her", don't be too sure she won't be watching your baby as well as the older child. You may make your feelings known, she may cave to her mother. This is one of those things you need to have dealt with BEFORE your daughter is born. Make it VERY OBVIOUSLY CLEAR that her mother will NOT be watching your child.

There is nothing wrong with a mother leaving her child with a relative to watch while she is at work. Nothing wrong with leaving a child with someone to catch a few hours out with a SO or friends once a week or so. What your Baby Momma (? we don't have a name for her and she isn't fiancee anymore, so...) did was leave her son with her mother while she worked, while she went on dates and spent nights with you, and while she was out with her girlfriends. The amount of time she left her child for frivolous reasons was excessive. You'll have to make sure she doesn't fall into her previous behavior again.

Whatever you do, if you do marry her at some point, don't mingle your pre-marital assets with marital assets. If her mother is so very concerned about money...well, the apple don't fall far from the tree.
 

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Re: Fiancées tattoo.

If she's not working, and has enough financially, will she be a stay at home mum for a while? This may limit the need for her mother to watch the kids anyway.
 

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Discussion Starter #675 (Edited)
Re: Fiancées tattoo.

Her rather toxic "friends" were hanging out with her because she spent money on them. Yeah. But that doesn't explain why SHE would want to hang out with people like THEM. If she hasn't changed in fundamental ways, she will eventually make new toxic friends.

If she lets her mother "bully her", don't be too sure she won't be watching your baby as well as the older child. You may make your feelings known, she may cave to her mother. This is one of those things you need to have dealt with BEFORE your daughter is born. Make it VERY OBVIOUSLY CLEAR that her mother will NOT be watching your child.

There is nothing wrong with a mother leaving her child with a relative to watch while she is at work. Nothing wrong with leaving a child with someone to catch a few hours out with a SO or friends once a week or so. What your Baby Momma (? we don't have a name for her and she isn't fiancee anymore, so...) did was leave her son with her mother while she worked, while she went on dates and spent nights with you, and while she was out with her girlfriends. The amount of time she left her child for frivolous reasons was excessive. You'll have to make sure she doesn't fall into her previous behavior again.

Whatever you do, if you do marry her at some point, don't mingle your pre-marital assets with marital assets. If her mother is so very concerned about money...well, the apple don't fall far from the tree.
It's the middle of the night and as usual I'm wide awake.You made a point that really hit home with me though and I have given it a lot of thought.I would still be separated from my ex(ok I will call her J from now on) if it wasn't for our baby coming along.I need to be very careful that we don't end up back where we started in a few months.
As for her mother watching the baby,I have made it clear to J that if she wants to return to work I will employ a nanny as soon as the baby is born.I do not want her mother anywhere near my child more than is necessary.
I know there is a lot to sort out but the one thing I am sure about is even when I broke up with her and had no contact for over two months,J always wanted me back.I thought it was greed but when I gave her a fairly large sum of money she returned it to me.
As for a prenup agreement,there is no wedding on the cards but I will have one for sure.
 

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Discussion Starter #676
Re: Fiancées tattoo.

If she's not working, and has enough financially, will she be a stay at home mum for a while? This may limit the need for her mother to watch the kids anyway.
This would be my preference but as she has always worked long hours she may want to go back as soon as she can.A previous poster suggested having a Crèche in the health centre so I may get my manager to look into that.
 

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Re: Fiancées tattoo.

If she's not working, and has enough financially, will she be a stay at home mum for a while? This may limit the need for her mother to watch the kids anyway.
Or increase it. She wouldn't be the first woman to drop the kids off at Grandma's every day or two so she can go out and do some shopping or hang with friends.
@Andy1001, just make sure you are very clear with regards to what you find unacceptable. One of things I have learned over the years is that there is what Person A said and what Person B heard. They are not necessarily the same thing. Make sure you communicate simply and unambiguously. And watch for loopholes!

"You said you didn't want my mom watching the baby while I worked, but I was out having lunch with Connie, so I thought it was ok to leave her with my mother!"

"You said you were uncomfortable with my mother having too much time with the baby, but I didn't think 5 hours for the third time this week was "too much"."

I got a few years on you and have seen relationships similar to yours from beginning to end as friend to the female partner in some and as male partners friend in others. I know this might sound loopy at the moment and you'll want to consult a lawyer, but I think it is in your best interests to get the details of custody, support, and visitation negotiated and registered with the court as soon as you can once the baby arrives. If you and J continue as friendly co-parents, great! If you decide to give it another go as a romantic couple and live as LTP's or get married, great! If things go south and you cannot get along, there would be a legal agreement in place to protect your parental rights and your right to see your child.

No offense to J or any other woman, but it's not unheard of for women who are pissed off at their baby daddies to deny visitation and/or use the baby as a way to manipulate. You do NOT want to take even a 1% risk she would do that at some time in the future for unforeseen reasons. This is your daughter. She needs you. Be very sure you have legal access to her that does NOT depend on the good will of her mother.
 

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Discussion Starter #678
Re: Fiancées tattoo.

Or increase it. She wouldn't be the first woman to drop the kids off at Grandma's every day or two so she can go out and do some shopping or hang with friends.
@Andy1001, just make sure you are very clear with regards to what you find unacceptable. One of things I have learned over the years is that there is what Person A said and what Person B heard. They are not necessarily the same thing. Make sure you communicate simply and unambiguously. And watch for loopholes!

"You said you didn't want my mom watching the baby while I worked, but I was out having lunch with Connie, so I thought it was ok to leave her with my mother!"

"You said you were uncomfortable with my mother having too much time with the baby, but I didn't think 5 hours for the third time this week was "too much"."

I got a few years on you and have seen relationships similar to yours from beginning to end as friend to the female partner in some and as male partners friend in others. I know this might sound loopy at the moment and you'll want to consult a lawyer, but I think it is in your best interests to get the details of custody, support, and visitation negotiated and registered with the court as soon as you can once the baby arrives. If you and J continue as friendly co-parents, great! If you decide to give it another go as a romantic couple and live as LTP's or get married, great! If things go south and you cannot get along, there would be a legal agreement in place to protect your parental rights and your right to see your child.

No offense to J or any other woman, but it's not unheard of for women who are pissed off at their baby daddies to deny visitation and/or use the baby as a way to manipulate. You do NOT want to take even a 1% risk she would do that at some time in the future for unforeseen reasons. This is your daughter. She needs you. Be very sure you have legal access to her that does NOT depend on the good will of her mother.
That is a very good idea about getting a legal agreement drawn up and I will talk with my lawyers about it.However Js mom has thrown her out today so she is moving anyway.She is staying with me until Saturday then moving into her own place.When J returned the money that I gave her I never banked it until Yesterday.This morning the bank rang her to confirm such a large withdrawal on her account and her mother overheard and went mad over it.She wanted J to build an extension on their house for her and the boy to live in,but now that the money is gone that is not going to happen.Her Mom started screaming at her to get out and take her bastard son with her.She literally ran with just the clothes she had on her and her purse.At least she took her car because I'm certain that would have disappeared.She is very upset but said she figured something was going to happen with her mother and now it has.I rang one of her sisters (she works for me)and told her to go home and start packing J and the boys clothes and get them brought over to my house.
I got my doctor to come over and check J out but everything is ok.
I don't know how much of this thread you have read but my daughter stands to inherit a considerable sum when she is born.J does not know this but by law I have to tell her when the baby is born.This is not money she has to wait until she is eighteen to get,it's hers at birth.I am the only person apart from some Scottish lawyers who know about this(my parents lived in Edinburgh amongst other places and that is where they are buried).I would dearly love to tell mommy dearest about this money because I control how the money is used.Her face would be priceless.
 

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Re: Fiancées tattoo.

That is a very good idea about getting a legal agreement drawn up and I will talk with my lawyers about it.However Js mom has thrown her out today so she is moving anyway.She is staying with me until Saturday then moving into her own place.When J returned the money that I gave her I never banked it until Yesterday.This morning the bank rang her to confirm such a large withdrawal on her account and her mother overheard and went mad over it.She wanted J to build an extension on their house for her and the boy to live in,but now that the money is gone that is not going to happen.Her Mom started screaming at her to get out and take her bastard son with her.She literally ran with just the clothes she had on her and her purse.At least she took her car because I'm certain that would have disappeared.She is very upset but said she figured something was going to happen with her mother and now it has.I rang one of her sisters (she works for me)and told her to go home and start packing J and the boys clothes and get them brought over to my house.
I got my doctor to come over and check J out but everything is ok.
I don't know how much of this thread you have read but my daughter stands to inherit a considerable sum when she is born.J does not know this but by law I have to tell her when the baby is born.This is not money she has to wait until she is eighteen to get,it's hers at birth.I am the only person apart from some Scottish lawyers who know about this(my parents lived in Edinburgh amongst other places and that is where they are buried).I would dearly love to tell mommy dearest about this money because I control how the money is used.Her face would be priceless.
Well, hopefully she'll ditch her toxic mother, too.

I wouldn't tell anyone not required to know about the funds. If the money grubbing grannie knows the baby will have a sum of money, she will manipulate the baby as she grows up in hopes of getting her hands on the money some day. I would also make very sure to make out a will that makes provisions for the baby's inheritance in case of your untimely demise. Provisions that keep the money out of J and her family's hands until your DD reaches the age of maturity at least. I know you're young, but this is the kind of stuff you must think about now that you're going to be a daddy.

Really, have a meeting with your lawyer(s) and explain the whole situation. Get them going on planning to protect your daughters inheritance come what may. If, God forbid, anything were to ever happen to you, your DD may need that money to have a decent life. Get another set working on custody and related issues.
 

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Discussion Starter #680 (Edited)
Re: Fiancées tattoo.

Well, hopefully she'll ditch her toxic mother, too.

I wouldn't tell anyone not required to know about the funds. If the money grubbing grannie knows the baby will have a sum of money, she will manipulate the baby as she grows up in hopes of getting her hands on the money some day. I would also make very sure to make out a will that makes provisions for the baby's inheritance in case of your untimely demise. Provisions that keep the money out of J and her family's hands until your DD reaches the age of maturity at least. I know you're young, but this is the kind of stuff you must think about now that you're going to be a daddy.

Really, have a meeting with your lawyer(s) and explain the whole situation. Get them going on planning to protect your daughters inheritance come what may. If, God forbid, anything were to ever happen to you, your DD may need that money to have a decent life. Get another set working on custody and related issues.
I've just got off the phone with the Scottish lawyer and I was slightly wrong in what I said in my last post.Its only if I am married to my child's mother that she has to be informed and it only applies in the UK anyway.The way that sterling has been falling I'm glad I kept the account in Dollars.
 
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