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Re: Fiancées tattoo.

I never thought she was cheating on me,but she accused me of cheating,with Ally for years and also with a girl in a bar.It was then suggested to me that she was projecting her cheating on to me.I still don't think she ever cheated but she is determined to prove that the baby is mine and I will let her.
Smart thinking on your part.

She may be the love of your life but she needs to grow up first.

One day at a time.
 

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Re: Fiancées tattoo.

I think you are being unreasonable! First of all getting a tattoo or a tattoo itself should not have any significance in your relationship! You should accept you partner the way she is rather than setting some silly rules for her! Even my husband loves tattoo and he got a tattoo just before a day we got married over here in Florida, but I don't have any problems with it and love him for what he is! So you should do the same and not impose restrictions on her!
You're entitled to your opinion, and he's entitled to his. Just like your preference is right for you, his preference that his gf and potential wife not get them is right for him, so who is anyone to tell him he's wrong? He didn't force her to agree to his deal breakers; she agreed to it, willingly, and he agreed to hers. It's about respect and keeping one's word. How often do you see a supermodel tat up her body? Right, because they want to keep their classy and elegant look.
 

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Re: Fiancées tattoo.

I think you are being unreasonable! First of all getting a tattoo or a tattoo itself should not have any significance in your relationship! You should accept you partner the way she is rather than setting some silly rules for her! Even my husband loves tattoo and he got a tattoo just before a day we got married ]over here in Florida, but I don't have any problems with it and love him for what he is! So you should do the same and not impose restrictions on her!
where do you get off telling a person that a persons "dealbreaker" has no significance in the relationship.
 

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Re: Fiancées tattoo.

I think you are being unreasonable! First of all getting a tattoo or a tattoo itself should not have any significance in your relationship! You should accept you partner the way she is rather than setting some silly rules for her! Even my husband loves tattoo and he got a tattoo just before a day we got married ]over here in Florida, but I don't have any problems with it and love him for what he is! So you should do the same and not impose restrictions on her!
I feel very flattered that your first post on tam after your intro speech was to tell me how to live my life.
Is your keyboard stuck on the exclamation mark symbol,you may want to get that checked out.lol.
Welcome to tam.
 

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Discussion Starter #628
Re: Fiancées tattoo.

More importantly, how do YOU feel about this Andy? What are your thoughts on becoming a dad?
I love the thought that a little person that is part of me is growing in my exs womb.I am also scared ****less that something could happen to hurt it.This is the biggest thing that has happened to me in my life and I am desperate to do what is right.
 

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Re: Fiancées tattoo.

I love the thought that a little person that is part of me is growing in my exs womb.I am also scared ****less that something could happen to hurt it.This is the biggest thing that has happened to me in my life and I am desperate to do what is right.
Good answer.
 

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Re: Fiancées tattoo.

1. Congrats. Nothing better in life than being a father.
2. You don't have to marry her to be a fantastic father and co-parents. Just keep that in mind.
 

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Discussion Starter #631 (Edited)
Re: Fiancées tattoo.

On Thursday I asked the person that I trust the most in the world to tell me honestly what she thought about this whole situation.It is Ally of course.She has never interfered or gave an opinion from the very start other than telling my ex that she was gay and there had never been anything between us.
She told me that it was obvious to her that I loved my ex and had never stopped loving her.
She said that one of the things that she could never understand about me was that I would do anything to help anyone without expecting thanks but if someone helped me out I always felt I had to pay them.She said that I made people think that I didn't consider them as friends,and some people were insulted by this.I didn't really see what this had to do with anything but I let her talk.She then tried to explain what she meant and said when people got annoyed with me I just completely cut them out of my life even over something minor.She said I once explained to her that in programming there could be a thousand ways to do something but once you decided which way to go you should never start second guessing about it.I still didn't really get what she was trying to say but now I think she was saying I need to learn how to compromise.This will not be easy for me because to me compromising is doing things my way.
In my business I tell my customers how much something is going to cost and I never give an inch,if they don't like it they can go somewhere else. I don't deal with individual people, I deal with large manufacturers and they can smell weakness like a shark smells blood.
I shouldn't treat other people like that though.
I really want things to be right with my ex about our baby(just typing that made me pause)and I know I am going to have to try and change my attitude.
I had a busy day yesterday with my ex and I will post again later.
 

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Discussion Starter #632
Re: Fiancées tattoo.

The CIA, FBI, and NSA still use it, so if it's good enough for them, it should be good enough for the general public. Sure, it's not an exact science, but there is an art to it. It can be unreliable and manipulated, but most people don't know that. :wink2:
I may be an idiot when it comes to relationships but I know my way around a circuit board.The original polygraphs worked on skin resistance,basically if you were telling a lie than you would sweat or at least get warmer and the resistance would lower.This is the same principle that an electric shock is far more dangerous if you are wet or standing in water.
More modern ones use EEG or MRI but try getting one accepted in court.If you are capable of getting worked up just by thinking about something or someone then you can fool any polygraph.
 

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Discussion Starter #633
Re: Fiancées tattoo.

On Friday morning my ex came out with us to the woods again.She asked me how was I feeling after having a day to think about everything.I said I still wanted her to have the baby and that I would do everything I could to support her.I asked her how did her parents take the news and she just shook her head and kinda teared up.I can imagine what happened but I didn't say anything.
She said Sam had rang her to check how she was and emailed her a lot of information on pregnancy.She again brought up this prenatal dna test and I told her the reason I hadn't been keen was I thought that blood would have to be taken from the baby but now I know it is actually from the mom.She wants us to have it to reassure me so I agreed but I made it clear that I had no doubt about it being my baby.
There are some laboratories in the next city that can do the test so I suggested we went there that day and got it out of the way.She said it's not that simple,you have to buy the kit,then get blood samples from both parents and send them back.It was too early to ring them but on their website it said you could buy the kit at the lab and bring it back with the blood samples and it took about ten days to get the result.I told her I would drive over and buy one and we could get the samples taken and I would bring them back.She suggested both of us going over and getting a local nurse or doctor to take the samples.I told her I would ring Sam and she could take them.
I again asked her about her parents and she told me her mom lost her temper and told her she had two weeks to get out or get rid of the baby.This is from a supposedly Christian woman.I told her I would take care of her and her son and our baby and just worry about herself.She said she was fine for money,she was left with about two hundred grand after the sale of the business.This is not enough to buy an apt around here but she wants to rent one.She will need a job she says.I find it so tempting to say I will buy her a house and look after everything but I'm starting to learn that throwing money at things can cause more problems than it solves and besides she already returned the money I gave her.
We arranged to meet in town after she brought her son to school and then we left.

I rang Sam,she had been working until eight and she said to come over when we got the kit and she would take the blood samples.She seemed in better form than yesterday and asked me about Ally.I told her she was still at my house and why didn't she call over.She just laughed and said stop playing Cupid and that she and Ally were over.Im very torn about this because I'm very fond of Sam but I love Ally and I don't want to see either of them upset.
I met my ex outside a coffee shop in town,we decided to take my car and leave hers in the parking lot.I wanted some coffee so we went into the shop.Now I have kept a low profile since we broke up and haven't been in town much,plus when the Internet story mentioning my company emerged I didn't want to answer any questions that some wannabe reporter wanted to ask me.When we walked into the shop I swear half the heads turned around.I went up for the coffee and the barista was one of me exs friends.She smirked at me and said I thought you two had broken up,I just ordered two drinks and ignored her.She came down to the table to say hello to my ex but didn't get much of a reception.When she left my ex said that once it became known she was going bust that a lot of her friends disappeared.I told her straight out that we were going to have to talk about her fcukin friends and we would do it on the trip to collect the test kit.As far as I'm concerned we would be preparing for a wedding if it wasn't for her friends and I wasn't going to put up with any more siht from them.She said she knew and accepted it was her telling her friends everything that had started all this.
I have to do some work so I will finish this post later.
 

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Re: Fiancées tattoo.

On Thursday I asked the person that I trust the most in the world to tell me honestly what she thought about this whole situation.It is Ally of course.She has never interfered or gave an opinion from the very start other than telling my ex that she was gay and there had never been anything between us.
She told me that it was obvious to her that I loved my ex and had never stopped loving her.
She said that one of the things that she could never understand about me was that I would do anything to help anyone without expecting thanks but if someone helped me out I always felt I had to pay them.She said that I made people think that I didn't consider them as friends,and some people were insulted by this.I didn't really see what this had to do with anything but I let her talk.She then tried to explain what she meant and said when people got annoyed with me I just completely cut them out of my life even over something minor.She said I once explained to her that in programming there could be a thousand ways to do something but once you decided which way to go you should never start second guessing about it.I still didn't really get what she was trying to say but now I think she was saying I need to learn how to compromise.This will not be easy for me because to me compromising is doing things my way.
In my business I tell my customers how much something is going to cost and I never give an inch,if they don't like it they can go somewhere else. I don't deal with individual people, I deal with large manufacturers and they can smell weakness like a shark smells blood.
I shouldn't treat other people like that though.
I really want things to be right with my ex about our baby(just typing that made me pause)and I know I am going to have to try and change my attitude.
I had a busy day yesterday with my ex and I will post again later.


Do you still love her? Would you be able to compromise enough to mend the relationship? Or would you prefer to co-parent? It feels like there's still a lot of unresolved feelings there.

I think Ally was trying to say that you cut people out to quickly, and you need to try and give people more of a chance. Follow through with something (hence the circuit analogy) rather then scrapping it and starting again. In all honesty, I would trust her opinion of all of this then anyone else's. She knows who you really are. How you work in real life. People here are very knowledgable, but they don't know "you" as a whole.
 

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Re: Fiancées tattoo.

I told her straight out that we were going to have to talk about her fcukin friends and we would do it on the trip to collect the test kit.As far as I'm concerned we would be preparing for a wedding if it wasn't for her friends and I wasn't going to put up with any more siht from them.She said she knew and accepted it was her telling her friends everything that had started all this.
I have to do some work so I will finish this post later.
Dang, I am having a flashback! This is almost how the conversation played out between my wife and me all those years ago when her nosey dumbass friends decided they knew best for my wife. Seems like your "ex" has learned an important lesson. Yet another message to you it might seem.
 

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Discussion Starter #636
Re: Fiancées tattoo.

I'm starting to think about what Sam said to me about not having any friends.I always had plenty of friends until I was about nineteen and then they seemed to drift away.I know I prefer female company to male but with hand on heart I have never tried to hook up with any of my friends girlfriends.ButI have to be honest and say from time to time some of my friends girlfriends have made passes at me,however I never took them up on it.
I have been reading posts on tam as well as other forums and now realise that my lifestyle,especially with women is not usual.I am thirty two years old and have had one relationship in my life that lasted over a month,and I managed to screw that up.I realise that most heterosexual men do not spend years living with gay women and sometimes gay men.I have been called a "metro sexual hipster" by one poster and I have googled that and he may be right.I am trying to figure out what to do about my ex and our baby and I really am lost.
I have had some therapy in the last couple of months and I was straight up with my therapist and answered any questions he had.When I told him what had happened to my parents he was shocked.He now thinks I have abondement issues and definitely have a problem with my brother.I told him my brother should be in jail and if I had my way that's where he would be.
 

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Re: Fiancées tattoo.

I like the humble introspection, Andy. You can learn much about yourself with that attitude.
 

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Re: Fiancées tattoo.

I may be an idiot when it comes to relationships but I know my way around a circuit board.The original polygraphs worked on skin resistance,basically if you were telling a lie than you would sweat or at least get warmer and the resistance would lower.This is the same principle that an electric shock is far more dangerous if you are wet or standing in water.
More modern ones use EEG or MRI but try getting one accepted in court.If you are capable of getting worked up just by thinking about something or someone then you can fool any polygraph.
You are not trying to use the results in court; it's all psychological. I didn't say it was an exact science but an art form.
 

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Discussion Starter #639
Re: Fiancées tattoo.

We started driving to the city to get the dna test kit and I asked my ex to spell it out to me what she thought had been the main trigger in our breakup.She said that her friends interfering in our lives was the main problem but it took her too long to realise this and by then I was pushing her away so she had no one else to confide in.I agreed with her but I admitted that I had been over the top with my reaction to the tattoo.She again said that it was a joke that had got out of hand and her pride and mine meant neither of us would back down.
She said her tattooed friend had rang her to tell her about the row in the bar and she was furious with her biker friend for not hitting me.It turns out he knew me from when I used to train at the kickboxing club in town and didn't fancy his chances.(I used to go with Ally for years to martial arts classes and I had my first Karate lesson at ten years of age.) I have never been in a street fight in my life though.My ex told me she has had no contact with the tattooed friend since.
I then said if we were going to have any sort of relationship that she had to stop telling other people our business. She said she realises now that most of them were only her friends because they worked for her or saw her as a soft touch.I didn't want to push it too much but we will revisit this topic.
We just chatted for a while about the boy and her sisters and then I asked her did her mother tell her about asking me to give her money.She was shocked at this and swore she new nothing about it.She knew her sister had asked me about investing but by then the business was too much in dept.She said she thought that Ally offering to invest was really me trying to help because where would Ally get that sort of money.I told her Ally had plenty of her own money and if the gym had been in good financial health she would have bought it herself.She was quiet for a while and then she asked me if Ally owned part of my business and I said she owned one percent and I owned the rest.She was stunned at this and said she always thought there was a group of shareholders involved,then she said so all that money mentioned in the Internet report had gone to me and I said yes.With that she started laughing and said if people knew how much money I had I would be very popular.I told her not to say a word to anyone and it was her telling people about my private life that had us where we were.This hit home and she was very quiet for the rest of the journey.
We got to the lab and I went in on my own and bought the kit.It cost twelve hundred dollars.The guy told me if we brought it back by five pm it would be ready in nine days,otherwise we could bring it back on Monday or post it.I called Sam and she said come over to her apt and she would take the samples.We got to Sams place about one and she was in good humour and hugged both of us.I could not see any evidence that she had someone else living with her but I didn't look too hard.She took the blood and I asked her to join us for lunch but she said she was going to bed because she had another night shift that night at eight.
We drove back to the lab and left the samples and then went for something to eat.On the way home I asked my ex what she planned on doing with herself work wise.She has this idea about exercise classes for pregnant women and women who had just given birth.I told her she could use one of the rooms in the gym and I would square it with the manager.We just chatted for the rest of the trip home and when we got to town she asked me did I want to come with her to collect her son,he had sports after school.I was tempted but it would have been unfair on the boy,he doesn't need me reappearing in his life if it doesn't work out.I told her to ring me if she wanted anything or to talk and I left.I did hug her though.
 

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Re: Fiancées tattoo.

I think ( I may be wrong ) if you had had this conversation before, you would still be together. It's unfortunate both of you weren't this open with each other previously.
 
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