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Re: Fiancées tattoo.

I texted my sil and asked her how she knew Ally was gay so quickly.She said that the first night we got there it was very late and we went straight to bed.There were two beds in the room we were sharing and sil said the following morning it was obvious that both beds had been slept in.Also I had told her and my brother that we were just friends and they hadn't really believed me until the first morning.
And there was me thinking it was woman's intuition or something.
So... the only reason she has for believing Ally is gay is because you slept in separate beds after getting in really late that first night? Sorry, but that would not scream "she's gay" to me at all. What would do it is watching your interaction, seeing how she looks at you. I believe you when you say she is gay. But to base it on sleeping arrangements? Sorry, that makes me :rofl:

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Discussion Starter #262 (Edited)
Re: Fiancées tattoo.

So... the only reason she has for believing Ally is gay is because you slept in separate beds after getting in really late that first night? Sorry, but that would not scream "she's gay" to me at all. What would do it is watching your interaction, seeing how she looks at you. I believe you when you say she is gay. But to base it on sleeping arrangements? Sorry, that makes me :rofl:

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Well that's what she told me.It was nearly nine years ago though and I just sprung it on her this morning.I was going to show the text to my F,but after your comment I don't think that would be wise.
 

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Re: Fiancées tattoo.

Honestly, Andy, if you want to show her the text, then show her the text. My guess is that even after seeing both beds had been slept in, your sil also watched how you interacted, and certainly watched how Ally looked at you. After spending time with both of you, together, she could see that there was nothing between you. It's something obvious, if paying attention to it. Regardless, everyone else can see there is nothing between you and Ally... which means either your fiancée is projecting... or she has serious insecurity issues she needs to work through... or both.

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Discussion Starter #264
Re: Fiancées tattoo.

Honestly, Andy, if you want to show her the text, then show her the text. My guess is that even after seeing both beds had been slept in, your sil also watched how you interacted, and certainly watched how Ally looked at you. After spending time with both of you, together, she could see that there was nothing between you. It's something obvious, if paying attention to it. Regardless, everyone else can see there is nothing between you and Ally... which means either your fiancée is projecting... or she has serious insecurity issues she needs to work through... or both.

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I've just realised that Bruce Springsteen is getting a lot of mentions in this thread lol.
 

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Discussion Starter #265
Re: Fiancées tattoo.

Ally and Sam came over yesterday at about five.Sam was supposed to work until eight but she switched with someone.It was great to see Sam again,I met up with Ally in March but I haven't seen Sam in almost three years.She is training to be an addiction counsellor through a homeless charity while holding down a full time job and she also volunteers with the homeless charity a few nights each month.She has always been involved with charity work long before Ally or me ever met her.Sam is very unlike Ally,she always looks a bit like a teacher you were afraid of in school.We used to call her serious Sam to try and get a rise out of her but she is actually very funny and loves practical jokes.One of the things homeless charities give out freely are condoms so I soon got used to checking everywhere for them because Sam thought it was hilarious to hide them everywhere.My camera bag always had more condoms in it than the average bar vending machine.We were once invited to a housewarming party by some friends and the three of us bought a set of crystal wine glasses and a decanter as a gift,Sam ended up working and Ally and me went on our own.When our friends opened the card Sam had wrote,she had just put my name and Ally's on it and it said I hope these get plenty of use tonight,of course there was about ten condoms in every glass and nobody believed that serious Sam had done it.I know that's neither here or there in relation to my thread but with all that's going on I need a laugh.
Sam and Ally spoke with me for about an hour and I told them what was going on.Sam gave me a dirty look when I was finished but she is so hard to read I ignored it.When my F arrived she was slightly taken aback to see Sam as she was only expecting Ally.We started talking and then Sam told me and Ally to take the boy outside as she wanted to talk to my F.I was surprised at this as I thought we were all going to clear this up but we went outside and played frisbee with the boy then we went back in.My F said Sam had explained that nothing had ever happened with Ally and also she wanted me to know she had never cheated on me.I realised then that Sam had turned the tables on my F and put the ball back in her court.
She said to me she was totally wrong about bringing up the tattoo in front of her friends but feels she was lashing out with the only thing that she thought would hurt me.She felt I was flirting all the time with her friends and employees and was so insecure that she figured that if she made me break up with her over the tattoo it was better than me cheating on her and making her look a fool.I immediately said I was not flirting and Sam told me to wise the **** up.Sam then asked me to take her down to the shops that she wanted to buy a gift for the boy.We drove down to the nearest shop and Sam bought a t shirt and some stickers for the boy.When we got back into the car she turned on me and gave me the biggest bollocking I ever got,she told me I'm still the same p***k as I was when they moved out and it was time to grow up.She brought up numerous times when she said I had behaved like a right b*****d to girls and if you looked at it the way she was describing it it did look bad.She told me that the reason my F always leaves the kid with her parents is so that I don't feel tied down and walk away like her ex did.She said my F is so insecure that she actually believed that I was sleeping with a lesbian.She also told me that the only reason she never told me this before is because I had been so good to Ally and she knew that I would always look out for her when she(sam) was in college.
I was really shocked and then I got pissed off and told her to shut the **** up,she kept shouting at me and I told her get out of my car which she did.I very nearly drove away but I'm glad I didn't.Eventually she got back into the car and the last thing she said to me was the comment about how I have no close male friends.I asked her what was that supposed to mean but she told me to figure it out myself.
We got back to the house and it was obvious we had been fighting,Ally got upset because she hates conflict.She gets so much crap from her family,they didn't talk to her for a long time after she told them she was gay and even now it is just the odd card at Christmas or her birthday and she isn't invited to family get togethers.Ally and Sam left without me and Sam making up.I can't believe all that has happened to me in one week it's a nightmare that just keeps getting worse.
My F and the boy stayed over again,I think she was worried about me ringing Sam and starting the row again.

This morning I rang Sam to apologise because I realise she was right but she wouldn't answer.I rung Ally and she said Sam was furious with me but would come round soon enough.I actually drove over to their apt and when Sam answered the door she started crying and we hugged and then Ally started crying as well so it ended up in a group hug like we used to have years ago.I realised that I am really blessed to have friends like this.Sam didn't want to talk about last night but she did say I should either break up with my F or else completely forgive her.She said not to consider marriage for at least two years but let my F move into her own apt with the boy.
She also said that it must be real love because she would only give my F a seven out of ten while I usually went for at least a nine,this goes back to when we all lived together and they would always comment on any date I brought home.I was glad she was joking again because I hated to see her upset.
 

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Re: Fiancées tattoo.

@Maricha75 sets the gold standard for communication, balance and maturity on this thread.




@Truthseeker1, while I do stand by my initial response to you, I need to apologize, as well. I misunderstood what you meant in your post. I took it one way and you meant it another. I took it to be in line with the oft implied "you ought to get down on your knees and thank God you met me instead of the guy down the road"... and it seems your thought was "you were fortunate to meet a loving, caring man who loves your child. Most men don't want to bother with another man's child. You've got a great guy in Andy!"... Or maybe it was my mood at the time I wrote my reply. Either way, I apologize for going off, but I do stand by my point that I hate when people take the "you should get down on your knees and thank..." stance.

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Re: Fiancées tattoo.

Andy,

So let me try and summarize what you've indirectly and very tactfully said:

1. You are physically more attractive than your fiancee*
2. She makes more money than you
3. Your friends are women - mostly attractive women
4. (3) is making your fiancee insecure/anxious


* She's a (7) physically and you typically date women more attractive than that. Implies you are an 8 or 9.


Is this correct so far?

We had a long talk yesterday and I will try and get my head around and post it later.One thing did strike me as strange,Sam asked me did I not think it strange thatI have no close male friends,just colleagues and all my closest friends are female.
I never gave it much thought.When I was growing up I had lots of male friends but once I got into my twenties they seem to have drifted away.
Sam is studying to be an addiction counsellor as well as working a full time job so her and Ally's time together is precious and I really appreciate them coming over to see me,but we kind of argued yesterday and I feel bad about it.
 

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Discussion Starter #269 (Edited)
Re: Fiancées tattoo.

Andy,

So let me try and summarize what you've indirectly and very tactfully said:

1. You are physically more attractive than your fiancee*
2. She makes more money than you
3. Your friends are women - mostly attractive women
4. (3) is making your fiancee insecure/anxious


* She's a (7) physically and you typically date women more attractive than that. Implies you are an 8 or 9.


Is this correct so far?
The seven comment by Sam was a joke,my F is beautiful.
She earns less than me and I am worth a lot more financially speaking,yes her business is very successful but so is mine.When my parents died they left my brother and I a lot of money and property/equity.At that stage neither of us needed it.
I know where your going with this and you are wrong.
Yes. my friends seem to be mostly female.Im not sure what Sam meant about that and she will not explain.
 

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Re: Fiancées tattoo.

You need more time to get your head straight. You shouldn't be jumping at every chance to spent time around her right now.

Bottom line -- you need to stop feeling your way through this and start thinking your way through it.

Hot and sexy doesn't necessarily make for the best partner in the long term.

Especially when it's all tatted up w/ a buzz cut.
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And this is while she is screwing the "bad boys" at the bar while you are raising another mans kid...
Dude effing run!!!:confused:
 

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Re: Fiancées tattoo.

So are you peers - equals - physically?




The seven comment by Sam was a joke,my F is beautiful.
She earns less than me and I am worth a lot more financially speaking,yes her business is very successful but so is mine.When my parents died they left my brother and I a lot of money and property/equity.At that stage neither of us needed it.
I know where your going with this and you are wrong.
Yes. my friends seem to be mostly female.Im not sure what Sam meant about that and she will not explain.
 

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Discussion Starter #273 (Edited)
Re: Fiancées tattoo.

When I woke up this morning I immediately regretted apologising to Sam about anything other than telling her get out of my car.
She was a willing participant in anything me and Ally got up to so its a bit rich all these years later to suddenly decide it was inappropriate behaviour on my part.
 

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Re: Fiancées tattoo.

You've come pretty far in a week's time. I think it's good to get a lot of this out in the open instead of letting it fester.

Clearly, both of you have a lot to think about.
 

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Discussion Starter #276
Re: Fiancées tattoo.

You've come pretty far in a week's time. I think it's good to get a lot of this out in the open instead of letting it fester.

Clearly, both of you have a lot to think about.
I'm beginning to think I've been living in cloud cuckoo land,nothing is as it seems.
 

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Re: Fiancées tattoo.

When I woke up this morning I immediately regretted apologising to Sam about anything other than telling her get out of my car.
She was a willing participant in anything me and Ally got up to so its a bit rich all these years later to suddenly decide it was inappropriate behaviour on my part.
No, it is okay to say it was inappropriate. There are things I KNOW I did, when I was younger, which were completely and utterly inappropriate and stupid. She is WRONG to use it as an attack on you and use it to explain why your fiance is insecure. The only reason it would apply is if Sam and Ally have been running their mouths about your former escapades to your fiance.
 

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Re: Fiancées tattoo.

@Andy1001 : Reason I brought up "how you meet" - is that you say your F has all these insecurities issues. And that its unbelievable. Maybe its unbelievable to her as well? To give us insight to what is going on and why you seem to be bending over backwards for your F. Sam has brought up good points, shes your OLD friend and is also looking out for you. Keep that in mind. My Oldest sister looks out for me and has helped me quite a lot through my drama. Insecurities that my wayward had with me, that didn't get brought up until the poop had long hit the fan, were important details that festered for years. My sexual experience over her (# women I had sex with) and being friends/good terms with those I dated and trying to please me. She wasn't what I was looking for when I meet her, but we both feel for each other HARD when we had out first kiss.

Either way, you both can benefit with IC and CC.
 

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Discussion Starter #280
Re: Fiancées tattoo.

@Andy1001 : Reason I brought up "how you meet" - is that you say your F has all these insecurities issues. And that its unbelievable. Maybe its unbelievable to her as well? To give us insight to what is going on and why you seem to be bending over backwards for your F. Sam has brought up good points, shes your OLD friend and is also looking out for you. Keep that in mind. My Oldest sister looks out for me and has helped me quite a lot through my drama. Insecurities that my wayward had with me, that didn't get brought up until the poop had long hit the fan, were important details that festered for years. My sexual experience over her (# women I had sex with) and being friends/good terms with those I dated and trying to please me. She wasn't what I was looking for when I meet her, but we both feel for each other HARD when we had out first kiss.

Either way, you both can benefit with IC and CC.
Preliminary counselling session arranged for this afternoon.(Ic)
 
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