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Discussion Starter #1
Fiancées tattoo.

I am engaged to be married next October,my fiancée is 32 and has a seven year old son from a previous relationship.When we started being exclusive I made a point of saying tattoos were a deal breaker and she laughed and said her fear of needles would rule them out anyway.
So of course you know what's coming.She informed in front of a lot of her friends on Sunday that she is getting a tattoo on her side to support one of her friends who has had a bereavement.I told her we needed to discuss this alone but her friends all butted in and said it's her body and she can do what she wants.I ended up going home on my own(she lives with her parents but stays in my house overnight when we go out).I met her on Monday and she was furious because I showed her up in front of her friends.
I asked her what about our agreement and she said she was supporting her friend.I got really angry and told her if her friends meant more to her than me then there was no point going on.I swear this is the first time I ever lost my temper with her but she is adamant this tattoo is happening,and for me not to be so stupid.I really hate tattoos and there is no way we are getting married if she goes through with it.Am I being unreasonable about this.
 

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Re: Fiancées tattoo.

How did no tattoos come up in the first place? That seems like and odd thing to bring up when having the talk about being exclusive.

It's unreasonable for you to have control over what she does with her body, but it's not unreasonable for you to say you don't want to be with someone who wants to have tattoos. She's trying to "have her cake and eat it too." She wants to be with you and she wants to have tattoos. She'll have to pick our else you'll have come to an agreement.

But really, this type of behavior seems to indicate you're not the right people for each other.
 

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Re: Fiancées tattoo.

No.

But there will be others that say yes.

I totally agree with you and hate tattoos. If you think it ends with one you're mistaken. And this pattern if ignoring you and listening to "friends" will continue as well.

If she truly valued you and you've made it clear how the tatto makes you feel long ago, she wouldn't get it. She doesn't respect you. I really think you should consider this a precursor to deeper problems.

Btw, I hate tattoos and am biased.
Even beautiful lingerie models turn me off if I see they have a tatoo. It's just ruining a beautiful woman to me.
So keep that in mind on my advice.
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Re: Fiancées tattoo.

You set a boundary. She agreed with that boundary and continued not only being a girlfriend but a fiance.

Now not only has she stepped over that boundary but there was no discussion about it. Plus she told you in front of all her friends as if to box you in a corner.

Doesn't matter if it was tattoos (which I personally like and could easily say "yes, you are being stupid") or drinking or separate vacations or contacting old flames. Agreements were made, no discussion about changing the agreement and dropping it on you in front of friends. If this is how she operates, time to call off the wedding.
 

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Re: Fiancées tattoo.

I really hate tattoos and there is no way we are getting married if she goes through with it.Am I being unreasonable about this.
It's not stupid or unreasonable. Early in your relationship you both agreed on something, she is taking an action counter to what you believed she would do.

It is her body, she can do what she wants with it.

It's also your life, and you can spend it with anyone you want. And if you want that to be with someone who doesn't have a tattoo, then dump her.

I wouldn't even negotiate with her on it. She is likely to hold off on the tattoo until after the wedding then get it anyway.
 

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Re: Fiancées tattoo.

You stated a boundary and sounds like she went along with it, so don't feel bad. I don't blame you in the least, I hate tattoos too. Never seen one that looks good, even though the people that have them think that they do.

Just tell your fiance that she is correct, it is her body, but if she chooses to get the tattoo, you are finished. Her decision.
 

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Re: Fiancées tattoo.

You made your stance clear at the beginning, and she decided to test whether you mean it or not. Good for you for sticking to your guns. Many people would compromise their own values in a case like this. Whether people agree that tattoos are that big a deal or not isn't really important in my opinion. Sure she can do what she wants with her own body, but if she does something that you made it clear you are opposed to, which she has, she's sending the message that she doesn't think your views are important enough to factor into her decision making.
 

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Discussion Starter #8
Re: Fiancées tattoo.

That's exactly what I am afraid of.By the way she also had a"deal breaker"hers was if I ever made a comment about raising another mans child.I have never and would never say a word about that,I love her son like my own and it is because of him that I am looking for advice rather than just calling off the whole wedding.
 

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Re: Fiancées tattoo.

Hi,
You are turned off by tattoos?
So are me & my husband.
They're not for us, maybe we don't have the flare to make them look cool.

But it's in memory of someone who she lost.
And in the end, she may just do it regardless of what you think.

Whereabouts on her body? Maybe you guys could compromise on the area she gets it? Ankle or something like that, so it can be covered.

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Re: Fiancées tattoo.

She didn't lose anybody.Her friends father died and she wants her and my fiancée to get tattoos.The tattoo is a six line verse about the size of a postcard and it will be impossible to miss.
 

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Re: Fiancées tattoo.

Ridiculous of her. Lots of other ways to do this.

She is disregarding your feelings totally. You were mature enough to ask her to talk about it privately. Instead, she let her friends berate you. Fine, let her have her tatoo and friends. Find a woman that's mature enough to treat her SO with respect and regard to their feelings.
This one isn't that person. Move on. She's shown you how much she thinks about you And your feelings.
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Re: Fiancées tattoo.

I know you want to do right by the boy, but at the expense of over a decade of your own life?

It isn't going to end with this tattoo, you know. Even if you somehow get her to NOT get it, the way she is going about telling you about it and arguing tells me that she doesn't respect you at all. What going to be next - her announcing in front of all her friends that she's taken another lover and you can like it or lump it??
 

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Re: Fiancées tattoo.

My issue isn't even as much her trying to go against boundaries you guys agreed to, it is that she made the decision not by talking to you first but by announcing it in front of her friends. Maybe she thought that the pressure you would feel by doing it in a public situation would be enough to sway you. Also, she let her friends berate you in front of her :confused:

Serious, why would you want to marry someone who acts like this? Maybe this is a good thing, find this out now and not after you are married. It would appear at face value her respect for you is questionable
 

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Discussion Starter #15
Re: Fiancées tattoo.

Yes she had been drinking,we were in a bar watching football on tv,but she thought I would just accept this as I normally just let her do what she wants.By the way she is no fool she has a successful business that she built from scratch.I think she regrets saying it to me in front of her friends and she can't be seen to back down.
 

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Re: Fiancées tattoo.

My wife and I are both dead set against tattoos as well so never had this issue but we had a similar one and I agree with everybody else, this is about agreed upon boundaries and respect.

In my case my wife wanted to get her nose pierced. I'm not one for weird piercings, tattoos or any of the other new trendy body modifications that seem to be the latest craze.

My wife told me her plan to get the new piercing and when I expressed my displeasure at it she tried using the same argument about it being her body and she can do with it as she pleases. I reminded her that yes it is her body and her nose but it is me that will be looking at the result of her decision and as it is something that I find very unattractive it would greatly affect how I viewed her.

in the end she understood my point and finally agreed that it would be no different than me going out and getting a big tattoo (which she finds offensive).
 

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Re: Fiancées tattoo.

Andy, you told her it was a deal breaker. It isn't ridiculous to hold your ground on it. Some like them, some don't. She knew from the start how you feel about them. Personally, I have thought about getting one from time to time, but haven't found anything that would REALLY push me to get one. Even then, I would discuss with my husband, first. Sure, it's my body. But, I also ascribe to the notion of "two become one". I have equal say over his body, and he over mine.

Technically, you have no say over what she does. However, she knows the consequences of getting a tattoo. It isn't a good idea to continue in a relationship after she decided to go against something you agreed on, without discussing it with you, first... and staying because you love her son is not a good enough reason to marry.

I suspect you would have been a bit more supportive, had she presented it to you in a different manner, and if it wasn't such a large tattoo. Maybe, had it been a ribbon, or something small, as a remembrance, and if she had said, "I know we agreed on this, but I feel really strongly about this." And explained her reasons.

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Re: Fiancées tattoo.

It's not the tattoo that's the problem it's the fact that you guys discussed something,both agreed and now she is going against what she agreed to with you.
That's fine for something like a tattoo..you probably can get over that...but to me it says something about her character.
Is this going to happen with every decision you guys make together? With raising kids? Investments? Etc?
You guys need to talk , once you are both calm about what this really means.
Marriage and having kids (if you have them) means you need to be on the same page and always have each other's back.


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Re: Fiancées tattoo.

I agree that you should reconsider marrying her. She's definitely showing you that her friends mean more to her than you do. If anything, she showed you up in front of her friends. I think tattoos are ugly and trashy. That she has them sends a negative vibe about her. Get out while you can. She's not going to be a good fit for you.
 

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Re: Fiancées tattoo.

It's really up to you if you want to spend your life trying to retrain her to be respectful. The issue here isn't the tattoo. It's the way she handled the whole thing. It's an indication of her personality.

Let's say for a moment you had hesitations about her child. Could you even fathom bringing up her dealbreaker in a public place in front of her friends? Probably not. You would likely discuss it with her in private and try to be as sympathetic as possible.

It would be totally different if she discussed this first with you in private and tried to come up with a workable compromise. I can understand how she might want a tattoo, but she should also want you to be okay with that decision or come up something you both agree to.

Her behavior of how she brought up the tattoo has given you an insight into how she'll try to manipulate you in the future. This won't be a quick, easy fix to change, and likely will never really be fixed. You'll just get better at dealing with her attempts at manipulation. A likely pattern is that if you bring it up now, she'll be on better behavior, but soon after the wedding she'll go back to old ways.
 
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