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Hello – I’m new here and am hoping to gain some good and solid advice like I’ve read you providing to others. Now this is long so bear with me. I’m trying to condense it as much as possible but don’t want to leave out any important details:

I’ve been with my live in boyfriend for four years now. In the beginning things were wonderful. He was an amazing and wonderful man. Things progressed rather quickly because we were so “into” each other. He is recently divorced and has two younger daughters with his ex wife. I have one daughter who is in college.

About a year into our relationship he started showing “signs” of infidelity. I’ve been cheated on in the past so I sort of know what to look for and I always seem to have my guard up. Well, I decided to check our cell phone records and found that he had been calling and texting his ex girlfriend. This is the girl he dated before me and right after he separated from his wife. Well when I called her and confronted her she said that she didn’t know who he was, etc. etc. When I confronted him about the number he said it was his boss’s wife. Well, it turns out that I find out it wasn’t his bosses wife. I found out that he called his ex and told her that if I called again for her to say that it in fact was his boss’s wife. So he actually took the time to call her to tell her that and then she lied for him when I called her again.

Anyway, there have been a number of situations in where he was contacting ex girlfriend through text behind my back. He works with one of them so I attributed it to maybe working issues.

I decided to move on from that. From that point though it was always in the back of my head so I would question things and whenever I did he would lose it on me. Never took the time to reassure. That made the situation even worse. He would make me feel that I was crazy for asking questions.

Well about two years ago I was working (I bartend) and I got a call from a friend of mine asking where I was because he just saw my guy at the bar with another woman. Now, that day I had a strange eerie feeling in my gut. Just like I knew that something bad was going on or going to happen. My boyfriend told me that my friend was lying. That he just wanted to be with me and break us up. My friend wasn’t lying. He called my daughter at around 11:30 at night to get my number. Then my friend said that he saw my boyfriend at the bar that my boyfriend actually said he was. I asked my friend who she was and he said some new woman who transferred to their company. They all work together. My friend, my boyfriend and this chick. Of course, it was a lie and he made me believe that it could possibly be so what did I do? I let it go..sort of.

A year after he was acting strange again, I was noticing white semen stains and sex stains on his underwear from days that we weren’t together all day and I got suspicious again. Checked the cell phone records and saw a number that he was texting like crazy. Did a reverse cell look up and found out that this is the woman that he was seen with at the bar. They had been texting constantly all day long until 5:00 when I got off of worked. The texting stopped. Of course I confronted him about it and they were just “friends”. A female friend (who is 12 years older than him) that my boyfriend decided to never tell me about. When I called her to confront her and ask her who she was she wouldn’t tell me. Got really defensive and said that I needed to ask my boyfriend who she was and that they’re just friends. Hung up on me. Defensive I’m assuming because she was caught. Anyway, he said he never told me about her because it was nothing serious, etc. etc. and nothing for me to be concerned about. Guess what? I let it go because he made me feel like “hmmmm…well maybe? What if I’m over reacting?”

I let it go. A few months down the road I was praying on it because of all of the signs and I wasn’t strong enough to leave. Well, after I dropped him off to the airport for a business trip I came home and he accidentally left his personal email up. To me, it was sign from God and I had to check. Well I found an email exchange between the two of them. It was her saying how she was sorry that she couldn’t talk long. That her phone was dying and that he’s going to have to call her from another phone because she knows that I check the records and he can’t or he’ll get caught. She said how she seemed so happy because she wasn’t as messed up over him like she was before. That she’s hoping he can know the REAL her now and that if he ever needs a friend that she could be a good one to him if he wanted to let her in. She said it was nice seeing you today. You still look handsome.

Well I called him while he was out of town and confronted him and he hung up on me. Wouldn’t talk to me about it. Kept texting me though on how much he loved me and it’s not what it seems, etc. etc. Well, when I finally did talk to him he told me that she had a major crush on him which is why she was so “messed” up over him. That he loved me and that he would never hurt me, etc. I told him so after I found out that you guys were texting you told her to stop texting because I was on to you and you decided to give her your personal email address to keep in touch?! How deceitful is that?!

I decided at that point to move out from our home. I couldn’t take it anymore. I had had enough. Well guess what? I found I was pregnant the week after I moved out and decided to forgive because of my “situation”. Well, I had a miscarriage about a month later.

Him and I met for ****tails one night and I could tell he didn’t really want to be there. He was acting very strange and started arguing with me. Told me that things were feeling “heavy” and that he just wanted me to take him home. Well I asked him why he was acting so suspicious and he started calling me crazy. To leave him alone, etc. etc. He threw me out of the house that we once lived in. I had a horrible feeling all night. I couldn’t sleep and woke up in panic and anxiety. I decided to drive by his house at about 7:00 am and there was a car in the driveway that I never saw. Well, I got out of the car and looked into the window and there was a girl standing there. Buttoning her shirt up! I was so traumatized and shocked..I didn’t know what to do. I walked around the back and he left the key in the door. So I walked in and on the living room floor there was a bed made and wine glasses, etc. I heard him upstairs saying to her “so are you just going to stay here?” and I started to walk upstairs and he walked down..he said what the hell are you doing here!? I said what the hell is going on and proceeded to go upstairs. Well, I walked into the room and guess who it was? It was his ex girlfriend. The one that he was with before me. I asked who she was because I couldn’t recognize her at first and she said “why don’t you ask everyone else?” Not sure what that meant. Doesn’t even matter…

I went downstairs and I seriously went to lose it on him and he grabbed me by the arm and threw me out of the house..didn’t say a word to me..said “come on, you gotta go”. This is the man that I had spent years of my life with. A week exactly after I had a miscarriage. I was so torn and traumatized. I left feeling like a zombie.

I was hysterical. Called friends and family. He called me about thirty minutes after I left and said he didn’t touch her. That he happened to run into her at a bar in the area and she needed a place to stay because she was too drunk. I know that she lives about an hour away. I guess that explains the bed made on the floor and the wine glasses, right?

Well guess what? Out of fear of losing him for some reason I made myself believe his lies…

I’ve never let it go…he moved back in with me into the apartment that I moved to. He shaped up a lot. Got really sweet. Talked about marriage and for some sick twisted reason I believed him.

Well, as of late. Things have been really rocky again. I don’t trust him so I question everything he does. The thing is though whenever something comes up he will not reassure me. He’ll say that I need to let it go because it’s the past and I need to stop acting crazy. I decided to check the cell records and he texted the older lady that he was seen out with that wasn’t so “messed up over him anymore” and of course when I confronted him it’s all work related. I asked him to let me see the texts and he deleted them. I told him that it looks horrible and like he’s up to something and he said it’s not a conspiracy. You’re crazy and make up all these conspiracies in your head. I told him that after all that’s happened of course I’m going to feel that way! Why can’t he just reassure me. He said I didn’t deserve it because I question him on everything. He said that he doesn’t know what I do because he can’t check my cell records. I told him he has no reason to not trust me! I’ve never done anything to him!

So yesterday we got into a huge argument because I wanted to talk about why he’s distant, etc. I sent him a long email expressing how I’m feeling and of course he tells me that I’m crazy, I’m a b*tch and c*unt and crazy and he doesn’t know why he’s with me, etc. etc.

I told him you’re with me because you’re using me. You have no car, a place to live and I’m wonderful to your daughter. I act like your wife and take care of you when I shouldn’t be, etc. etc. and all I’m doing is asking for reassurance after all that’s happened. He doesn’t understand how it looks bad to me. He won’t reassure though.

He made me feel so bad. I’m just at a point that I know that things are not looking good. I’m so afraid to leave and “lose” him to someone else because I know the good he has in him and he’s made me feel like if I would just shut up then things would be good. He said he would respect me when I earned it.

I’d like to mention that he has also been physically abusive at times and has threatened as well. Of course he makes me feel that I MADE him do it because I bother him so much and that if I’d just keep my mouth shut, etc. etc.

Am I wrong in any of this? I don’t know what to do? I feel like this is all my fault. That I’ve pushed him into the arms of another woman because I’m not normal.

I really am sorry for the long thread but I’m not sure who else to reach out to for advice. If my family knew about this they would be traumatized and I don’t ever want them hurt.

I look forward to hearing from some of you on whether it’s me? Am I wrong? What can I do to fix it? Should I just make him leave? My heart is breaking because I keep thinking that maybe if I just “live” like he wants me to and take things day by day that things would change. I love him. This is killing me.

I know I should be stronger as I’m an attractive woman with a great job, am so good to him and his daughters, etc. I’m torn though. Because I feel as if I’m to blame for the demise of our relationship. Because I’m obsessive and crazy.

Thank you so much in advance!!!
 

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Discussion Starter #3
I'm bumping this up. I'm really hoping to hear from more people as I've seen there are over 76 views. I really need advice on how to go about this, please.
 

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Wow. Just wow?

This guy has been lying and cheating on you every day you've been together. He tells lies lies and more lies. You catch him with a girl , the ex you've suspected before, and still take him back,

He must be either the most amazing lover ever or the best sweet talker ever.

My advice dump him cold. Let him use someone else as the recipient of his lies and cheating.
 

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I'm bumping this up. I'm really hoping to hear from more people as I've seen there are over 76 views. I really need advice on how to go about this, please.
It sounds as if you are not married and have no biological children in this relationship.

This man sounds abusive physically and emotionally.

You have nothing much invested in this relationship.

It seems like about two years???

If your not married, bail now.

Why waste your time with a guy who is already acting like and ass hat and you two aren't even married.

You can get plenty of dates on Match.com, if you don't have time to look for a relationship.

I know about ten people who found a great guy or gal that way.

Do yourself a favor and let him go.
 

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lost_soul412 you actually already know what to do here. I'm pretty sure you do. Are you hoping someone comes along and tell you he will change?

Chances are it will not happen. People with his sort of behavior rarely change and you should not overestimate your ability to change his ways.

Now, if you are good with an open relationship, that's one thing. If you're not, then you're in for continuous pain. Unless you just jump that ship.
 

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He is a serial cheater.

Dump him.


Btw when she said:
“why don’t you ask everyone else?
this means to me that he has been flaunting her to all his friends.

Let toxic man and toxic chick have each other.

Oh. Do please get STD tested.
 

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you arent in a committed relationship. im also a little amazed you broke into his house and seem to be stalking him.
unless he made a specific, straight out commitment to you, then you need to know where the line is drawn.
if you dont want to be with him. dont. But i had a girlfriend that acted like you once (she broke into my house too) and i wasnt happy. Because he has a right to do whatever he wants. He isnt married. you have a right to leave. That is your only right. you are going beyond the boundaries with the questions, stalking, and definatley breaking into his house. That is flat out against the law. Questioning all these other people, they are acting like this toward you because they look at it as none of your business. They lie to you because it isnt any of your business. Everyone sees this as you are basically on again, off again dating. But you. you are are the one that doesnt seem to understand the situation. he can see, whoever he wants. You arent even married. Understanding how you feel, i think you need to separate yourself, for you own good as well as his. And everyone he knows as you running around being this way i am sure is making everyone he knows uncomfortable. And they dont want to talk to you. You are the one outside of the circle. Not him, and not them. you are the outsider.
For the extent he is using you, he probably is. But it still doesnt give you all these rights to check, read, question, give people the third degree or break into his house. If a guy acted like you are they would probably be arrested for stalking and harassment.
 

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Lost Soul, I am so sorry you are suffering so much.

Yes, it is your fault. You allowed, trained, him to disregard you and have repeatedly reinforced this within your relationship. Many of us have done this. You are not alone.

His cheating and lying? That isn't your fault. You didn't do something that deserved such treatment. There isn't anything wrong with you. There is something wrong with him.

You need to realize you are a volunteer, not a victim of this man. You knew better. You have many years of happiness out there, a bright future full of love. I seriously doubt though it will ever happen with this guy. Stop the insanity and move on.

*hugs*
 

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I'm going to restrain myself here, God is telling you to dump him, now, forever, no ifs, ands, or buts.

Get into counselling to get some perspective, esteem and self respect. Start reading books to help with this. I'll suggest you start with The Art of Loving, by Erich Fromm. Please, don't torture yourself anymore. Get him out of your life. If he threatens you, or touches you again, call the police and press charges. I beg of you, please do this. You deserve better, please believe it.
 

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And please completely ignore bribrius's post.
You have been gaslighted heavily. You are displaying poor boundaires in the sense you are not protecting yourself enough against this user, not about the snooping a BFF who with one side of the mouth claims loving you but lie and cheat on your back.
 

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you arent in a committed relationship. im also a little amazed you broke into his house and seem to be stalking him.
unless he made a specific, straight out commitment to you, then you need to know where the line is drawn.
if you dont want to be with him. dont. But i had a girlfriend that acted like you once (she broke into my house too) and i wasnt happy. Because he has a right to do whatever he wants. He isnt married. you have a right to leave. That is your only right. you are going beyond the boundaries with the questions, stalking, and definatley breaking into his house. That is flat out against the law. Questioning all these other people, they are acting like this toward you because they look at it as none of your business. They lie to you because it isnt any of your business. Everyone sees this as you are basically on again, off again dating. But you. you are are the one that doesnt seem to understand the situation. he can see, whoever he wants. You arent even married. Understanding how you feel, i think you need to separate yourself, for you own good as well as his. And everyone he knows as you running around being this way i am sure is making everyone he knows uncomfortable. And they dont want to talk to you. You are the one outside of the circle. Not him, and not them. you are the outsider.
For the extent he is using you, he probably is. But it still doesnt give you all these rights to check, read, question, give people the third degree or break into his house. If a guy acted like you are they would probably be arrested for stalking and harassment.
Bribrius, did you answer the question posed by the OP or did you just decide to pretend she was your ex-girl friend that you still seem to have issues with?:rolleyes:

The OP and her BF are living together. In most jurisdictions that would give her right of abode.

And if the door was left insecure or open and she has property in the house and it has been her place of residence for several years, then it is unlikely that it was 'breaking into the house.'
 

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Hello all and THANK you for the responses! Yes, you are all right and he needs to go. I can confirm this even more.

He has recently had his car repo'd and only see's his daughter once every other weekend. Anyway, I told him today that I'd take him to look for cars and this weekend. I asked him what he had going on and he was upset about that. Said that he's not sure of what he has going on within the next hour, next day, next week or month. I said, ok fine. I told him that he could use my car this weekend and he said he didn't want to rely on me for anything. So I said so you feel like you're relying on me for things? Would you even be living with me if you had the means to move out right now and a car? He said "there you go again. Asking dumb questions that mean absolutely nothing". I said I'm sorry but I need to know where my life is headed. It's ok to ask these things. Especially when you're acting distant and texting a woman that you had an inappropriate relationship with. He again said that it wasn't an inappropriate relationship, blah blah blah.

Well I get home today and he's drinking beer. I said I could use one to . I was planning on having a ****tail when I got in because my day was so hectic. He said my daughter wants me to pick her up. I said do you want to go today or tomorrow? Because I could go with you tomorrow. I'll get off of work early and everything. He didn't say much. So I came out and asked him what he wanted to do. I gave him a chance to go. He didn't.

Anyway, I had one beer and stopped drinking becasue my stomach started hurting. He said, I thought you were going to drink with me. He said I didn't pick up my daughter because you said you wanted to drink. I said I told you to pick up your daughter. Why are you blaming me for this? I told him that I can't continue to take the blame for all of the bad in his life. That I'm the one who helps him, etc. He told me to stop talking and I told him that I'm not done. That I'm hurt that he makes me out to be some evil person. I told him that I'm only here to help him.

He got upset. Said that he just wanted to eat his dinner and to leave him alone. Walked towards our bedroom and kicked the door in. I went back there and said did you break the door? He said I hope so!

I told him at that point to get the hell out. I don't want him here. He grabbed his food and just ate it.

Then he comes out and I tried to calmly talk to him. I said, I'm not here to hurt you. I'm here to help you and I'm sick and tired of you making me out to be some evil crazy person. He said why are you saying this to me now? When I'm drunk? I said it doesn't matter if I tell you when drunk or sober! I'm telling you because I'm hurt. When I told you that I would help you find a car earlier..that doesn't make me a bad person. When I told you I'd go with you to get the girls and take off of work early so we can get there sooner than later..that doesn't make me a bad person. When I told you that I want to get pumpkins to carve with the girls this weekend. That doesn't make me a bad person.

I told him that it's not fair. That I can't win with him. He's unreachable. I told him that he doesn't appreciate anything that I do and he never has anything good to say. He never even thanks me! He said "oh because I'm living the high life with you , right?" I said I'm not iiving the high life with you either! What is that you want from me?! If you're not living the high life, WHY are you here?!?! He didn't have an answer as usual. Just his demeaning smirk that says "you're crazy"!

I told him that I can't do it anymore. That I can't keep talking about this. He said, "yah you said that last time so why are you saying it again?" I told him that it's MY fault that he thinks of me that way. But that I've had it. He said that he "let the argument" go along time ago. Why am I still talking? I told him to stop dismissing my feelings. And to stop walking around with that grandiose sense of entitlement. To get rid of that smirk because it's not funny.

He's just laying in the bedroom. Just laughted at everything that I said.

I'm seriously just fed up. I understand that yes, I may drive him crazy with wanting to "talk" and figure things out but that's who I am! I communicate! That's what people in healthy relationships do! Right?

If he would just TALK for once than maybe I'd stop. But he won't. He doesn't care to.

He really doesn't care about me. He is a true narcissist. It hurts me because no, we don't have a mansion but I'm proud of my place and all of the hard work that I've done to get here. If he's not living the "high life" why and the HELL is he with me!?!?!?

I just want him out. I feel like feels that there is better out there for him and that crushes my heart and self esteem because I've given this man 150%! What is "better" for him? My self esteem is shot. What does he expect? So now on top of everything else he doesn't like his surroundings? They're not good enough?!

I'm honestly afraid to tell him to leave right now because he's drunk.

I'm also afraid of him leaving for someone else. I feel like why wasn't I good enough? Why?

Feeling so many mixed emotions right now. This man thinks that I'm a joke. It's only my fault.

How do I approach this?

Can some of you who have been in my shoes please tell me why I'm petrified that I'll come home tomorrow and all of this things be gone? I feel likei it's all my fault. Like I'm not good enough.
 

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RUN AWAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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