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Discussion Starter #1 (Edited)
Ladies, As a female, if your brother-in-laws W, told you of (her) secret affair and confided in you..(Being close friends) you most likely wouldn’t tell…

However what if a few years passed and during that time, you were no longer friends but no longer even liked her. Would you tell your betrayed bro-in-law, the truth, about his cheating wife, if he asked you? Or would you lie to your bro-in-law and keep the secret the WW.. ( X close friend) & sis-in law, confided in you?

I am a male looking for a female perspective.
 

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I would've told my husband... we don't have secrets. And I would've told my bro-in-law, unless maybe he's a puke...then maybe not. But in that case, I'd advise her ... with all my heart... to leave him.
 

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I wouldn't have kept it a secret from my spouse. If people tell me things, they shouldn't expect me to keep it from my spouse.

I would have told her to tell him or otherwise I would tell him myself. I'm not going to hide people's affairs. The only exception would be if he were violent or abusive. I might not spill the beans in that situation.
 

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The original poster is apparently a man according to his first post so he doesn't have a husband.
 

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Ladies, As a female, if your brother-in-laws W, told you of (her) secret affair and confided in you..(Being close friends) you most likely wouldn’t tell…

However what if a few years passed and during that time, you were no longer friends but no longer even liked her. Would you tell your betrayed bro-in-law, the truth, about his cheating wife, if he asked you? Or would you lie to your bro-in-law and keep the secret the WW.. ( X close friend) & sis-in law, confided in you?

I am a male looking for a female perspective.
Sounds like you had an EA with her and now you’re just getting *****y?
 

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Discussion Starter #8
AFEH.......I didn't make my original post very clear.I have a gut feeling my wife may have possibly cheated on me.I think my brother and his wife may know something about it but don't want to see me hurt, especially since its been few years ago.

My brother inadvertently mentioned something but quickly stopped. And I have been debating in my mind to ask and him what he and his wife knows. There may be a simple explanation.

I have been trusting of my wife and not a jealous husband but I don't want to have my head in the sand either. Maybe I have been reading tooo many posts on TAM.
 

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AFEH.......I didn't make my original post very clear.I have a gut feeling my wife may have possibly cheated on me.I think my brother and his wife may know something about it but don't want to see me hurt, especially since its been few years ago.

My brother inadvertently mentioned something but quickly stopped. And I have been debating in my mind to ask and him what he and his wife knows. There may be a simple explanation.

I have been trusting of my wife and not a jealous husband but I don't want to have my head in the sand either. Maybe I have been reading tooo many posts on TAM.
Why not just ask your brother and SIL?


Do it when they’re both together and you are sat in front of them such that you have direct eye contact with them but they don’t with each other. Such that if they want to see one another they have to turn to look. Don’t be convoluted about it as you’ve been here, ask them directly and then observe their responses.

Also spy on your wife if you haven’t done so already. You have to find out one way or another or you’ll never be at peace with yourself and that’s no way to live.
 

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noooooooooo i wouldn't tell anyone. It was supposed to be a secret between friends. I am just being immature by going around telling people what she told me just because we are no longer friends. What if we are still friends? i wouldn't tell anyone for sure.
 

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Why not just ask your brother and SIL?


Do it when they’re both together and you are sat in front of them such that you have direct eye contact with them but they don’t with each other. Such that if they want to see one another they have to turn to look. Don’t be convoluted about it as you’ve been here, ask them directly and then observe their responses.

Also spy on your wife if you haven’t done so already. You have to find out one way or another or you’ll never be at peace with yourself and that’s no way to live.
In fact I would set up the spying stuff, email, mobile phone, VAR etc. before asking your brother and SIL.

That way if they're all in on the secret either or both your brother and SIL will contact your wife. They'll probably do that anyway and it's in that communication that you'll find the truth, one way or the other.
 

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Secrets like this should be told. I'd definitely tell my husband. As for the BIL/brother, it would depend on the situation and how close of a relationship you have. Are they still married?

I've never been in that situation. I am not at all for infidelity even if it was told in secrecy. If I was close to the Brother, I probably would of said something in the beginning as soon or very shortly after I found out.

I've been on that other end wondering. I finally had solid proof, but it wasn't until 2 years later. Meanwhile, I was working to save the marriage. It would of been nice to know, I would of left much sooner or possibly never made the mistake of marrying that fool.

Living in secrets like these are like living in lies.
 

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I would have told my husband but my respect and therefore friendship with my SIL would have diiminished greatly having found that out and I would have told her that she needed to stop, decided if she wanted to save her marriage or divorce and she needed to tell her husband about the affair and then I'd give her a deadline and say if she didn't, I would.

I would not be an unwitting partner in this deceit and I would be resentful of being brought into it. I would do this with anyone who confided an affair.
 

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I would tell my spouse and then i'd want to talk to my brother in law with my spouse.When it comes to cheating,all the traditional rules of friendship and confidentiality are out the window once someone confesses to cheating.Most might disagree with me and call me a bad friend though.
 

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So is friendship stronger than family and marriage?

In the hypothetical situation
You're holding something from your husband's brother. So in one regard you're holding something from family, and secondly your Husband would probably be protective of his brother so you're also being deceitful with your husband.

In the real possibility Mel
If your suspicions are correct, you need to take your brother out ALONE (not with your SIL because it's obvious your wife told her and asked her not to tell and she told your Bro not to tell and he's honoring his wife's friendship more than his family which stinks) and tell him that very detail. If he knows something he needs to tell you because it would really stink to find out later about something this bad and that he knew all along. Tell him it would put a MAJOR wedge between you if that did happen. He'll most likely crack, where if his wife is there, he might not.
 

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Coming from experience...... if I had to do it over again, I would have found a way to tell the BS.

My H's brother cheated on his now ex-wife. At the time, they were only engaged, but in my eyes, the commitment is still the same. Both Hubs and I knew and never said anything. When BIL spoke to H about it, he asked H if I was going to tell. When Hubs asked me, I said 'BIL just better hope she never asks me, because I will not lie for him'. Being honest with myself, not revealing the secret is the same as lying; it's a lie by omission. That was over 15 years ago; and even though they ended up divorced, I'm still bothered by the fact I didn't step up and say anything.
 
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