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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Good Morning, sorry for the fancy pancy way of stating this, but i'm at work, so i just can't come out and subject line "Obligation Sex." For the most part, i'm a happily married man, some are aware of my ongoing struggle. If i came home from work early right now, i'm take my wife's hand, and lead her upstairs to the bed room. I should be happy with this fact. A person who is dying of thirst, begging of water, shouldn't slap away an offer just because it isn't bottled.... sorry, poor anollogy, but you get my point.

Only difference is, if i came home right now, and just sat there... she wouldn't take my by the hand, and lead me to the bedroom. This has pretty much been the way it always is. I've shared this story with older, married siblings, and they told me i am not alone. But it would be nice, if i felt ... desired. I'm the main initiator 90% of the time (she initiates when she thinks i'm upset with the fact that its been longer than a week since we've had sex, so to me, her intiation is... "this will get you out of your dumps")

In the meantime, its me that's the one that's trying to spice things up. Its me who is buying the toys, buying the outfits, trying new positions, its me who is yearning for it every other day like a sick puppy dog. Even though i've been sleeping with this woman since the mid-90's I can still look forward to sleeping with her like its our first time ( I love her and i love that ass of hers, and she's highly attractive ). But i doubt ... very seriously that she longs for the passion of my embrace. I doubt she looks forward to the moment of our lovemaking, if anything, i think she probably can't wait till its over. When we are making love, she's down for anything, any position, lets me do anal, which is not her cup of tea, so i only go there once every few months, but there there's literally nothing she won't allow. I bring her to climax everytime, and i know she enjoys it. But at the end of the day, i can't help but feeling like she's doing it... just because she thinks its expected of her. I'm HL, she's LL.

Help? If possible? :scratchhead:
Ladies can chime in as well.
 

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I was in your boat a few days ago except I'm the female;) I don't like obligatory relations.It makes me feel like a drooling pervert trying to take the virginity of some pure choir boy or something.gross.
Luckily after SO and I had a few days of serious discussion he understood how I was feeling and is really working on his expression of desire and intensity.
I had to shut down on him before it hit home though.I stopped being the one to initiate and I stopped my constant stroking of his ego with praise,compliments,touching,and all the other things I was doing to stoke his fire.I refused to react when he would touch me and do things to turn me on.I wanted him to know how it felt.He finally came to me and told me he hadn't realized that he was letting his shyness and hangups about expressing emotion ruin our sex life but now he gets it.

He got the message.But your partner may not be as eager to work on changing as mine is.
Even if you do a switch and cut out doing all the things you've been doing,she may not get it and she might end up angry at you or she may think you're cheating.
People don't understand that the act of sex isn't enough.If we wanted the act we'd go have a ONS and be done with it.We wouldn't even get married because all our needs would be met with the ONS.You want active participation.You want to feel desired,needed,craved.But it feels like LD people can't wrap their brain around that so they don't ever budge from their own way of thinking.
I wish I had advice or a solution for you.But you do have my sympathy.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
I was in your boat a few days ago except I'm the female;) I don't like obligatory relations.It makes me feel like a drooling pervert trying to take the virginity of some pure choir boy or something.gross.
Luckily after SO and I had a few days of serious discussion he understood how I was feeling and is really working on his expression of desire and intensity.
I had to shut down on him before it hit home though.I stopped being the one to initiate and I stopped my constant stroking of his ego with praise,compliments,touching,and all the other things I was doing to stoke his fire.I refused to react when he would touch me and do things to turn me on.I wanted him to know how it felt.He finally came to me and told me he hadn't realized that he was letting his shyness and hangups about expressing emotion ruin our sex life but now he gets it.

He got the message.But your partner may not be as eager to work on changing as mine is.
Even if you do a switch and cut out doing all the things you've been doing,she may not get it and she might end up angry at you or she may think you're cheating.
People don't understand that the act of sex isn't enough.If we wanted the act we'd go have a ONS and be done with it.We wouldn't even get married because all our needs would be met with the ONS.You want active participation.You want to feel desired,needed,craved.But it feels like LD people can't wrap their brain around that so they don't ever budge from their own way of thinking.
I wish I had advice or a solution for you.But you do have my sympathy.
Thanks for your response. We've talked about till we are blue in the face ( which is kinda hard since we are black :p ) and its too the point where we are beyond talking. If i pressed the issue we could have sex 2-3 times a week... but it would be bland, vanilla sex, so i try to hold out for at least 1x a week, till i can't take it anymore and jump her. I've tried holding back, it doesn't matter, she seems something is wrong, knows what it is, initiates sex, but if i wait out again it will take a couple weeks.

I know women are supposed to be the emotional ones, but it really hurts, as a male, when you think the other person doesn't desire you, especially when its the person you've sacrificed all for the spend the rest of your life with. We have a mutual, unmarried friend, who said she can't to get married, so she can make love to her husband everynight, adding, "That's one of the benefits of being married." ... I wish.
 

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Thanks for your response. We've talked about till we are blue in the face ( which is kinda hard since we are black :p ) and its too the point where we are beyond talking. If i pressed the issue we could have sex 2-3 times a week... but it would be bland, vanilla sex, so i try to hold out for at least 1x a week, till i can't take it anymore and jump her. I've tried holding back, it doesn't matter, she seems something is wrong, knows what it is, initiates sex, but if i wait out again it will take a couple weeks.

I know women are supposed to be the emotional ones, but it really hurts, as a male, when you think the other person doesn't desire you, especially when its the person you've sacrificed all for the spend the rest of your life with. We have a mutual, unmarried friend, who said she can't to get married, so she can make love to her husband everynight, adding, "That's one of the benefits of being married." ... I wish.
:( I'm sorry.I wish I understood how the LD mind actually works.
Don't envy anyone who marries the single friend though.It's possible she's saying those things to impress or make herself seem more attractive.It's also possible she's HD but according to TAM statistics it's not likely.Apparently HD women are rare.I don't know how true that is though so I really can't say for sure.
 

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I think I am probably LD and H is HD. We have consistently been 2-3 per week. I only initiate 1-2 per month and I don't think it should be such a big deal. My husband doesn't plan any of the meals but he eats...
I don't initiate, but I have sex. My philosophy is if you want it come and get it.
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I think I am probably LD and H is HD. We have consistently been 2-3 per week. I only initiate 1-2 per month and I don't think it should be such a big deal. My husband doesn't plan any of the meals but he eats...
I don't initiate, but I have sex. My philosophy is if you want it come and get it.
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this doesn't bother your husband?The come get it if you want it thing?

About the food comparison...does your husband know how to cook?
 

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I think I am probably LD and H is HD. We have consistently been 2-3 per week. I only initiate 1-2 per month and I don't think it should be such a big deal. My husband doesn't plan any of the meals but he eats...
I don't initiate, but I have sex. My philosophy is if you want it come and get it.
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I understand where you are coming from, but if you showed more enthusiasm and initiated more often maybe hubby might cook dinner some nights.

Men like to know or want their SO to enjoy sex as much as they enjoy it. Showing him some real enthusiasm not faked, helps him feel better. When I use to feel better I did cook for my wife.
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
I understand where you are coming from, but if you showed more enthusiasm and initiated more often maybe hubby might cook dinner some nights.

Men like to know or want their SO to enjoy sex as much as they enjoy it. Showing him some real enthusiasm not faked, helps him feel better. When I use to feel better I did cook for my wife.
I think she was speaking metaphorically, but i get your point, and i'm right there with you. I just want to feel like she is looking forward to is as much as me.
 

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Rob774,

I am with you man (as I think many of us are). I get duty sex about 3x a month. We have talked it to death and I am tired. I have to initiate 100% of the time and pretty much get rejected 99%.

I already have esteem issues (MY problem) and over the last 8 years or so this has really drug it into the gutter. She has FINALLY in the last year or so come back around to letting me go down on her and use my fingers on her.

But even that is now turned into "I want to feel good". NOT "I want you" or "Take me" or anything else just makes me feel like a human vibrator.

So I feel for you and I hope it works out for you!
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
Rob774,

I am with you man (as I think many of us are). I get duty sex about 3x a month. We have talked it to death and I am tired. I have to initiate 100% of the time and pretty much get rejected 99%.

I already have esteem issues (MY problem) and over the last 8 years or so this has really drug it into the gutter. She has FINALLY in the last year or so come back around to letting me go down on her and use my fingers on her.

But even that is now turned into "I want to feel good". NOT "I want you" or "Take me" or anything else just makes me feel like a human vibrator.

So I feel for you and I hope it works out for you!
Thanks man, that's what makes me feel so bad, she is down for about anything... once we get started, but its not like she comes out and says, "Anal tonight" or "Watch me do this striptease first..." i would die if that happens.

I just wish i felt half the desire towards me, in comparison to what i feel for her.
 

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I believe it goes along with the conception men are supposed to ask women to dance, men are supposed to ask women out on dates and by extension men are supposed to ask women for sex. Ironically, to any male who has ever had his advances rebuked, I believe many women are deathly afraid of rejection. They know if they sit back and wait eventually a man will ask them.

I think what these women fail to appreciate is men feel every bit as vulnerable when they put themselves out there and ask for that dance or that date or for sex. We risk getting rejected...in reality probably more so than than a woman does asking a man.
 

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this doesn't bother your husband?The come get it if you want it thing?

About the food comparison...does your husband know how to cook?
This come and get it thing took many years to figure out. He takes being turned down as being rejected. We've had many talks and changed the dynamics over the years. We used to just schedule every other dayish, that didn't work too well, because he would still get turned down occasionally. I discovered google porn history and realized that almost every day we didn't, he did it by himself. I honestly think he could do it every day. My H has probably made dinner a total of 5 times in 9 years.

I understand where you are coming from, but if you showed more enthusiasm and initiated more often maybe hubby might cook dinner some nights.

Men like to know or want their SO to enjoy sex as much as they enjoy it. Showing him some real enthusiasm not faked, helps him feel better. When I use to feel better I did cook for my wife.
I absolutely enjoy sex. I just don't need it. I think a lot of HD use it as stress relief, which causes more stress if they can't get what they feel that they need. Also my H doesn't understand the whole all day foreplay thing. Yes I've told him. He spends a lot of time at the computer. When I get affection, I know what he wants because he goes overboard. LOL my relationship is just as complicated as everybody else's i guess. :rolleyes:
 

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Thanks for your response. We've talked about till we are blue in the face ( which is kinda hard since we are black :p ) and its too the point where we are beyond talking. If i pressed the issue we could have sex 2-3 times a week... but it would be bland, vanilla sex, so i try to hold out for at least 1x a week, till i can't take it anymore and jump her. I've tried holding back, it doesn't matter, she seems something is wrong, knows what it is, initiates sex, but if i wait out again it will take a couple weeks.

I know women are supposed to be the emotional ones, but it really hurts, as a male, when you think the other person doesn't desire you, especially when its the person you've sacrificed all for the spend the rest of your life with. We have a mutual, unmarried friend, who said she can't to get married, so she can make love to her husband everynight, adding, "That's one of the benefits of being married." ... I wish.
I can relate to this. If I push it, We may have sex 3 times a week. She acts like she is doing me a favor if we have more. Just last week we had in 4 days in a row. I thought she was about to die. I was ready for the fifth night and after we got started, I felt so bad, like i was raping her. I actually started to mark the days we have sex. Yes, it's weird.

After 20 years together, I guess I expect too much.

Once a week is good for her. She will initiate then. Maybe for the same reasons as you. I will talk about some of our single friends and she may feel threatened.I would like her to actually stroke my ego just a little, put some effort into seducing me, put on some purfume on early in the evening so I know what she wants, touch my butt if we are both in the kitchen....anything.

I am also the emotional freak with the stupid feelings...jeez.
 

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Rob,

As you know, you and I are in pretty much the same boat

I used to get hung up on the intiation aspect at times but more and more I've come to realize that tht's not my wife's strong suit.

I'm Ok with that for the most part but it is a real ego booster when she does intiate (maybe 3 times now in the past year)

My issues revolve around frequency, rejection, and time of the week. Friday and Saturday nights are the prefeered for my SO. That gets boring after a while.

I'm doing what ScarletBegonias outlined to see if i can get a reaction and one more shot at talikung this out but I am afraid that she won't see what's going on. I'm beginning to think she won't have that "aha" moment Scarlet's spouse had
 

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I think I am probably LD and H is HD. We have consistently been 2-3 per week. I only initiate 1-2 per month and I don't think it should be such a big deal. My husband doesn't plan any of the meals but he eats...
I don't initiate, but I have sex. My philosophy is if you want it come and get it.
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This is the way my wife see's it and now we're at maximum 3 times per year....

Don't be surprised if your husband starts acting like a pouty 3 year old because he doesn't feel wanted. I went through that stage.
 

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Rob, I'm right there with you.

I wish I had advice for you. It's a pretty crappy feeling and it doesn't change. The worst part is that nawing feeling inside of you that you know there are plenty of other women out there that don't lose their drive. I mean, just read this forum and see how many women are in our boat.

It's a messed up dynamic that we're all mismatched with LD or in my case No Drive people.
 

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I'm doing what ScarletBegonias outlined to see if i can get a reaction and one more shot at talikung this out but I am afraid that she won't see what's going on. I'm beginning to think she won't have that "aha" moment Scarlet's spouse had
I'm interested to see how it turns out.I'm cheering for you and hope it goes the way of her having an "AhHa!" moment.
 

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Thanks man, that's what makes me feel so bad, she is down for about anything... once we get started, but its not like she comes out and says, "Anal tonight" or "Watch me do this striptease first..." i would die if that happens.

I just wish i felt half the desire towards me, in comparison to what i feel for her.
Rob I hope this helps. I am low drive, and my husband is HD. I get caught up in the daily grind and don't think of sex. When I try, my to "do list" gets in the way and I forget again.

I also don't feel a desire for sex, I am in neutral. When I get started though I became aroused and feel desire and I enjoy sex as much as my husband. I don't feel desire and then become arroused like my husband. I need to warm up sexually before I feel desire. . The fact that I don't pursue sex is only because desire comes after I am aroused.

I need to be aroused with my husbands help. I can't do it myself. I need a man to help me build up the intensity of foreplay to get me going. It does not mean I don't want to have sex. Maybe that is the normal sequence for some LD people.

If that is accepted, there would be less unhappiness. Your wife accepts your spontaneous desire, why not relax and enjoy the way she has sex? You can't have everything you want. She is engaging in sex as much as you are but it is consistant with her nature.

If you show dissatisfaction with her the way she naturally has sex, she may shut down. She may perceive that there is nothing she can do to make you happy so she stops trying.
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I'm interested to see how it turns out.I'm cheering for you and hope it goes the way of her having an "AhHa!" moment.
Thanks Scarlet!

As I've said in the past, it seems to get better after we have a chat and discuss at length and then it falls off again. I have followed alot of the advice on here (including calling her out when it goes back to the same old same old) and it helps.....For a while

Guess after so much effort and renewed effort, I'm a bit tired of the dynamic. I really don't look forward to being intimate anymore because it then "raises the bar" again and I realize how much i have missed it and desire to be with her physically. I am at the point where I feel it's better to NOT have sex because it's so infrequent and you know what the saddest part is? I'm starting to get used to it!

Don't get me wrong, I do still miss it but the emptyness seems to be a bit less and less each week.

Also, in case any one wants to know, we've read the books, done the tests and some counseling (been there, seen that, got the commerative T-Shirt)
 
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